Yesterday was a good day, no tears, no hole in the pit of my stomach, I actually resembled something of a human being- that and I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight and my pre-preggers jeans fit better than they did before. I went to the local library to play the piano. They have a digital piano that they allow patrons to play on, it has headphones, so no one is able to hear how badly you suck or how amazing you sound, for that matter. It was the first time I had played the piano in four months, if not more. I was a little rusty, but it was an amazing relief, all the same.
As I approached the desk and employee to get the headphones and give him the keys to my car as collateral, I couldn't help but notice that the guy was handsome, and then without delay I glanced his left hand, no ring. I was a little shocked in myself. He asks me for my library card and I told him I left it at home and offered my car keys, he gave me a look like he was about to deliver a lecture and before he opened his mouth I blurted out, "I'm so sorry, I usually have it with me, but I forgot my wallet. Are car keys not enough? How about," and I reached into my pocket and pulled out my apartment keys, "my apartment keys. Would you like my apartment keys?" In response, he gave me a look as though I were hitting on him and then it occurred to me, "he thinks I'm hitting on him." I was mortified, and I didn't know how to back pedal myself out of that one, so instead, I lamely started mumbling to myself and walked away to the piano room. In my defense, it has been a long time since I've been in a situation like that with a guy, normally I am quite charming and endearing, but it's been longer than a year, nearly two years, for that matter.
Later, as I went to retrieve my car keys from him, he gave me a look like he was relieved that I was leaving, and still very awkward. I don't blame him, it was awkward. That was the first time yesterday that, while I may now fit into my normal jeans, I'm still not a normal person yet and that's okay.
Last night, I went to a singles activity at my church. We were wrapping Christmas gifts for some families in the area who aren't able to provide a Christmas for their children this year. I was very excited to get out and do something, as I've been a hermit for the last 10 months. I was also nervous because I didn't know fully what to expect, or how I would react emotionally to single testosterones. It went well, actually, seeming as everyone was 18 or 19 years old, and... I'm nearly 25. Please recognize the humor in this, as it hit me like a ton of bricks as soon as I entered the room. It was fun listening to the dialogue and thinking back to the times when my cares also consisted of if who I like better, Sponge Bob Square Pants or Patrick Starfish, I wish I were joking, but that brings me to my next point. It has also been a long time since I thought that dialogue, such as that, was found to be adorable by the testosterone's in the vicinity. Okay, maybe I never thought that was adorable. I was, more or less, more interested in the sit-ins of the 1960's and John Lennon and Yoko Ono's love-in when they got married, "Everybody's talkin' about revolution, evolution, mastication, flagellation, regulations, integration, meditations, United Notions- Congratulations. All we are saying is give peace a chance. All we are saying is give peace a chance!." John Lennon and Yoko Ono were on their honeymoon and they invited the medias camera's into their hotel room and they had a love-in where they sang the whole time. Their room was full of people and the entire time they were there they stayed in bed and sang. It was beautiful. But, I digress.
That was the second time yesterday that I realized, it might be a little more difficult than I originally thought to be able to relate to people again, on a less superficial basis. Don't get me wrong, they were all very sweet and welcoming, but I also felt like their mother. And, then it occurred to me, like the day I found out I was pregnant, that my life will never be the same. I am a mother. I don't think that is something that people really internalize when I discuss adoption with them. I think that people who are further removed from the situation than the actual birth mother in question, believe that once you place your child for adoption, that it's done, and you no longer have to be concerned for the child, almost like you were a surrogate, or "carrier" for someone else. I don't have frustration with these people, they've obviously no clue what they are talking about because they've never been a part of the process themselves. I will never be the same. I am a mother. I chose not to parent my child because there was no way I could have provided for him, that, and his father is a dangerous man and I never wanted him to find out about my son. That doesn't mean I don't love my son, or that I am not connected to him. I will always be connected to him, I carried him for 9 months and then brought him into this life. I learned his sleep patterns, I know what his interests are, I know what types of food he doesn't respond well too, I know the way he likes to be held, and the way he prefers to be wrapped in his blanket, I have his cry imprinted on my brain, I can hear it still. He will always be my son and I will always be his birth mother.
I am also a young single woman who has to relearn how to relate to other single adults and I have no idea where to begin. It's a journey, a process, like any worthwhile relationship and one I'm excited to participate in. I don't know what I was expecting life to be like after my son was born and after I placed him with the social worker, but it wasn't this, and that's okay. I think I like this better because I'm more aware of who I am and learning how to learn who other people are. What's not to like about that?