Hopeful Adoptive Couple: Meet Melissa and Tim

I am excited to introduce you all to Melissa and Tim.  I have really enjoyed getting to know them and they are wonderfully kind people.  I was hoping to have their spotlight up last week but with the illness of my kitten and his passing, everything in my life got a bit delayed.  They have been so understanding and I appreciate the kindness that they have extended towards me.  So, without further ado, meet Melissa and Tim.

How did you meet your spouse?  How long did you both date before you decided to get married?  How long have you been married?

 Oh we love telling the story of how we met J 

The story begins with Melissa and her best friend deciding what to do one Saturday night in October.  They were close to New Brunswick and so the logical choice was the local college hang-out, The Melody.  Tim, as a regular fixture at the Melody, was there also and he spied Melissa & started to chat with her. Tim gathered the courage to ask for her number. Melissa wasn’t sure about this Stussy-baseball-hat-wearing-guy, but when he told her to feel his “rabbit soft hair” that cinched the deal & Melissa gave him her number. Little did Tim know, but this one comment appealed to Melissa’s love of animals, especially soft, furry ones!
Melissa received a scholarship to Duke University in North Carolina, so a good portion of our relationship was long distance. While Melissa headed to NC for a year of studies, and then a year in Washington DC, Tim remained in NJ. We both knew that to continue our relationship, we’d eventually have to minimize the 250 mile distance! Since Tim was traveling for work at the time, it was much easier for him to move. So the decision was made to be as close as you could be:  we moved in together.  
We bought a home, we adopted two adorable cats, we got married, we built a happy life together jam-packed full of memories with family and friends, hikes in the woods, kayak trips on the river, and travel.  We can’t believe how much time has flown by.  We’re about to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in October and are as much in love as we were back in 2002!  We’re looking forward to sharing our future and a whole lot of love with a little one to call our own and create even more happy memories!

What was the first thing you really came to appreciate about your spouse and why was that quality/characteristic important to you [if the ladies of the couple are answering this, then grab your husband's and have them answer it for you as well ;)  ]?

 Melissa about Tim: Wow, only one thing, that’s pretty hard because he’s such a good mix of characteristics – he’s kind, he’s affectionate, he’s strong and protective (he cooks! He adores animals!).  Sorry, I really can’t pick just one).  When we were dating, I realized he was “the one” when I’d had a bad day and he just made it (in fact, everything) seem better.  He didn’t get worked up about it, he was calm and supportive.  Friends call me a “smitten kitten” when I talk about Tim but I do adore him and I know he’ll be an amazing, caring father.  I can’t wait!

 Tim about Melissa: Melissa has a wonderful way of having fun with life. Her ability to be silly and cute, and enjoy even the most mundane things, makes my life with her that much better. She balances this fun and silly side with intelligence and focus when it's needed. She is definitely one of the smartest people I've ever met. We have a very similar sense of humor and make each other laugh every day. Whenever I see here I can't help but smile. We really do compliment each other's personalities. I often think, "How did I get so lucky?"

Do you have any current family traditions that you celebrate as a family?  If so, how did these traditions begin?

 Well there are lots of traditions that we both bring from our families but with just the two of us, we created some new ones:  For Christmas, we pick out the Christmas tree on December 12^th (an important family tradition for Melissa is observing the 12 days of Christmas).  At the Christmas Tree lot, we go rooting around in search of the perfect tree for us – usually Melissa just knows which one it is and proceeds to literally hug it… yes, she’s a tree hugger!   

We kick off the Christmas season with friends and family and their little ones with an annual holiday Cookie Makin’, Bakin’ and Decoratin’ (and Eatin’) Party that we host at our house.  The smell of freshly baked cookies fills the air, sprinkles, cookie decorations, powdered sugar and cookie icing is absolutely everywhere but it is so much fun!  We cap it off with warm cookies, cold milk and a viewing of Elf.  We can’t wait to introduce our little one(s) to this annual tradition! 

For Tim’s father’s birthday all the siblings, spouses and the kids gather for an awesome day of apple picking.  It is so much fun.  There’s tree climbing, apple tossing, apple eating, a lot of joking, apple wagon riding and photo taking!  The crisp Fall day always wraps up with a delicious meal with the whole gang. 

When we bring our little one home, we know that we’ll be celebrating many more traditions – some silly like Half Birthdays; pancake day (like we celebrate in England) ; trick or treating in home-made costumes (it was so much fun planning and making our costumes); later first day of school.  Putting shoes out for the return of the three kings like Melissa’s mother did when she was a little girl; writing letters to Santa; the traditional Easter Egg hunt around the house… all sorts of customs from both our childhoods that we can’t to share!

If you currently do not have children, how long have you been trying to grow your family?

We’ll be married 10 years in October – we are so happy with each other that it doesn’t seem that long!  Well, about 4 years into our marriage we decided to start trying to have a family.  We struggled for years to get pregnant and sought medical help.  After years of being jabbed by needles; having enough blood drawn to satisfy all the vampires in TrueBlood and Twilight combined; we finally got pregnant! But sadly, we miscarried each time.  It was too much.  We realized, at this point, there was another way.  One that would actually help someone else as much as it would help us:  Adoption was the clear answer!

We completed our homestudy in December of 2011, we were so excited to start the New Year on a positive note: We were going to build our family through adoption and we’ve been telling EVERYONE ever since!

How has your experience in the world of adoption mirrored or changed your expectation of adoption?

 Well, we knew it would take time.  We’ve been really fortunate to have a lot of cheerleaders (family, friends, and total strangers!) who’re there to encourage us.  Because we’re pursuing independent adoption, we are doing all the outreach and raising awareness ourselves (so we’re really thankful to Kathryn for profiling us on her blog) – we tell everyone we meet, and total strangers are so kind with encouragement, good luck and blessings. 

We’re not looking for “a baby” we’re looking for “our baby”.  We know that when the time is right a very special woman will read our profile and make the courageous step to call us.  We believe she’ll know in her heart that we’re the couple she wants to raise her baby…. Wow, we just can’t wait for that connection and to meet her!

How do you define open adoption?  What is open adoption to you?

We would define an adoption as open when the adoptive and biological parents  know each other and maintain a relationship before, during, and after the adoption – all for the benefit of the child(ren). The degree of openness will depend upon the circumstances of the expectant mother and father.  As the parents to our little one, we would always want our child(ren) to feel secure that we are their parents forever and they are part of our family forever.  There will be no secret for our little one(s) that they were adopted - precious, cherished, and wanted.  Having them know about their birth-family is an important part of this.

We do plan to work out a written agreement with our birth-mother.  We certainly do not want to break any promises after we have received the most amazing gift.  We want to honor our birthmother’s choice and trust in us to be absolutely brilliant adoptive parents.

What would your ideal relationship with "your" birth-mother be, pre-placement?  (Would you like to attend Dr. Appointments with her, have her to Sunday dinners, get together on a monthly basis for a movie, &etc?  How involved would you, ideally, like to be involved, &etc.)

 Well in an ideal scenario, we’d be absolutely thrilled to accompany our birth-mother to the doctor(s).  We know that this is totally up to our birth-mother but we would feel very honored if she would allow us to enjoy the milestones of her pregnancy with her. 

Again, ideally, we’d like to be within reasonable driving distance. This would allow for more frequent face to face meetings and visits. If an expectant mother is interested in us as potential adoptive parents for her baby, and isn’t geographically close, we’d use technology to get to know each other.  We were in a long distance relationship for a long time so we know that postcards, emails, texts, video chat and calls can really bridge the distance!

Getting to the point of being totally comfortable with each other, and building a real friendship with the birth-mother is important to us, but if this is not the desire of the birth-mother, we would, of course, honor her decision, and always be grateful for allowing us to build a family.

If you have yet to adopt, how do you anticipate building a relationship with the birth-mother?  How important do you perceive the relationship between you and birth-mother to be throughout the entire process that is adoption (pre-placement, placement, post-placement)?

 The key would be for as much communication as possible.  Of course this starts with that first phone call from an expectant mother… it is thrilling for us, but we’re sure is pretty nerve-wracking for an expectant mother!  Hopefully our profile has given some sense of who we are, but we know the expectant mom will have many questions for us as she makes her big decision.  We know she may have some tough questions but we always promise to be truthful and, of course, we would expect the same.  You can’t build a relationship unless there’s a good foundation of respect and honesty. 

We’d take our lead for the relationship from the expectant mother, while we’re eager to build our family through adoption; we want our birthmother to make her decisions because it is what SHE wants.  We’d hope that she has a good circle of family and friends, as well as the birthfather, who’d support her in her decision.  We’re ready to talk to the birthfather, relatives, friends and anyone else that the expectant mom would want us to – so that she can make her decision.

As we move forward toward placement, we’d do everything to keep that open communication going, by being supportive of her needs and wishes.  Of course we know that this will be an emotional time and believe our foundation of honesty will carry us through.  We’d hope that we’d become friends to continue a relationship after placement.  Not just for the benefit of our adopted child(ren) but because of how much respect and admiration we’d have for the woman who’d choose us.

For any young woman considering placing her child for adoption, and who is reading this right now, what do you want to say to her? 

First, anyone considering making a plan for adoption is extremely brave.  To make such an unselfish and absolutely loving decision is amazing.  We can’t even begin to imagine how difficult this must be, and know that what’s in front of you now is an enormous life decision.  We imagine that picking THE best parents that YOU want for this little one may seem quite daunting.  But know that many, many people would cherish your little one – just as we would.  You are giving an adoptive parent the greatest gift possible, and as you talk with potential adoptive parents for your child, we believe you will know when you have met the right ones.

We want you to have the peace of mind that we will be the best parents we possibly can be – loving – encouraging – giving all the opportunities that we possibly can, so that this baby has an amazingly bright and happy future..  We want you to know, through conversations and meeting us that we have the foundation (in a great friendship and marriage) to provide a loving, secure and fun future for this baby.  We would forever consider it a privilege to be shaping a young lady or young man, instilling in them self-confidence, and compassion for others.  We would encourage them in their own pursuits; helping to bring out their own, unique personality.  We hope that with an open adoption, we can confirm that the decision you made, to pick us, was absolutely the right one. 

Do you have a blog that you would like to share with those reading this today?  If so, what is the address of your blog?

Yes, we’d love anyone reading this to consider getting to know us a little more by visiting our website www.melissaandtimadopt.wordpress.com 

Thank you!

♥