Change Begins with the Individual

Shane Koyczan is a Canadian Spoken Work Poet.  I came across him on the TED awards for being chosen to be awarded the TED prize which is given to a person who boldly and creatively inspires and actively seeks global change.  Shane Koyczan speaks out about school bullying.

I've been in this funk for a little while now.  And I've wanted to write about it, but I haven't known how to write about.  Watching Shane Koyczan speak and perform his poem "To This Day" and the way he effortlessly mingled it directly into his speech so that you didn't know where his speech ended and his poem began... was truly impactful to me.  His poem spoke to me.  It's like he looked into my mind and wrote down what he saw, and that ability to connect your words to people you've never met and most likely never will meet, is truly a profound gift.

I was bullied as a pre-teen.  My bullying started before my pre-teen years.  I started being bullied as young as 6 years old, and the offender was my first grade teacher who was Baptist and felt it necessary to take out her hate of Mormonism on an innocent child, therefore setting the tone for how other students treated me.  By the time I was in the 5th grade, I was already very cautious on how I interacted with others.  I would imagine that a lot of my fellow classmates would have seen me differently (not cautious), but that's because every day I made an effort... a conscious effort to socialize with others.  And it was hard.  By the end of my 5th grade year, I had consistent bullies.  They were kids older than me and we weren't in the same school, but we lived in the same community, and we rode the same bus.  Riding the bus was a war zone for me.  Every day, if they felt like I looked at them wrong, I would be surrounded and ridiculed ruthlessly.  And they always felt like I looked at them wrong because as they told me, I "looked wrong".  They surrounded me and they called me fat and a heifer (I was neither of these things, I was a healthy 10 year old who was taller for her age than other 10 year olds).  They pulled me hair and shoved me between them, there were 4 of them on a consistent basis, and on occasion  a couple more would join in on the "fun".  They made up a rhyme about me.  It was something to the effect of being so ugly that they would try to remove my mask only to find out that it was my face.  It was at the part of "removing my mask" that they would pull my hair and touch my face roughly... not hitting, not scratching, but completely invading my personal space and grabbing my chin forcefully.  When they wouldn't be able to remove my mask then they would howl out with laughter and tell me that my favorite holiday must be Halloween because then I could walk freely out in the open in my hideousness and not look out of place and not scare others with how ugly I was.  I would get off the bus and I would take my time getting home (1 block away) and I would cry and then wait until the traces of my tears were gone and then I would go home.  The bus driver never stepped in.  By the time I was 13, I was angry and inwardly aggressive.  I became Gothic and stuck out even worse.  My best friend was considered a "problem kid" and had his own reputation.  But, in our friendship, we were safe with each other.  He was the most compassionate person I've ever known.  His bullying never stopped, really.  And when he was 17 years old, he committed suicide because... I don't know why, but I know part of it was that he was never treated "normally" by his peers.  There were other components to his choice to die, but being ostracized by his peers for being different was a very hard thing for him.  I know this, because he would open up to me about it, and I to him.  My bullying never stopped until the end of my Junior year when my bullies graduated high school.  No matter how "normal" I tried to make myself, these emotional terrorists never let up.  And it's impacted me to this day.

This poem hits home.  The feelings of worthlessness and being undeserving because you aren't "normal", or you stick out for some reason that other's don't... they follow you for the rest of your life.  And while the bullies go through their life bullying other's to get what they want, or maybe they grow up and stop bullying, and settle down to have a family and work at their job that pays the bills... they don't think a second about second guessing themselves, because no one ever second guessed them.  But to the one who was bullied, self doubt becomes a way of life.  That doesn't mean self doubt has to be your life, because there is life after bullying, it's something that you have to fight for though.  Becoming an adult is difficult enough already, add into the mix learning to trust yourself and love yourself and respect yourself after a major portion of your life being told you aren't good enough or "enough", period... makes it that much more difficult.

The point of this post is not to be depressing.  I'm choosing to speak out about my experiences being bullied because bullying is not a matter of kids "just being kids", it goes so far beyond that.  The same rationalization could be applied to war and dictators, "Oh, the war on terrorism is just politicians being politicians... politicians can be mean."  Bullying is an emotional war and it takes place every day in every school across the world.  And teachers stand by and watch.  Administrators don't dare get involved because there is so much fear involved in correcting the behavior of a child whom is not your own.  And other children standing by watching don't dare say anything because if they do, then they are next.  Where is the protection?  Kids who are bullied are the most loving and generous of their classmates.  I'm not saying that in honor of myself.  I'm saying that in honor of the people I know who have been bullied.  Their hearts are kind and compassionate and delicate and that should be protected, not betrayed.

If we, as adults, expect change to happen in schools then we need to set the example to those who look to us as an example.  And we need to be actively involved in pursuing a positive change where it's needed.  If you witness something that is "wrong" in your book, you need to react against it, not in an antagonistic way, but you need to respond in a way that will promote and encourage something better.  We need to let people know when we appreciate them, especially teenagers, because they have it freaking rough.  There is so much out there about what is "wrong" with teenagers and what they can do to be "better" or "worthy" of attention, and it's all coming from the media and from authoritative figures in their lives that only see them a mere portion of their lives.  Some teenagers have rough home lives.  They need encouragement.  They need to know that they are "good" and that they are important and respected and appreciated.  The social structure that a child and teenager are submitted to on a daily basis is a huge component on their behavioral "makeup" as an adult.  If we want a "better" tomorrow then we need to start nurturing those that will be leaders of tomorrow.  It sounds hokey in a "glass-perpetually-half-full" kind of way, but whatever you want to call it, it's idealistic, but it is still possible.  Change begins with the individual and leads to those impacted by the individual.  Change is always possible.

The God of Love and Fear

I just finished watching "Then She Found Me", which is a wonderful movie.  It's rated "R" for language.  It's got Helen Hunt, Colin Firth, Bette Midler, and Matthew Broderick in it.  A main theme in this movie is adoption, from every angle.  Another theme is infertility.  And another theme is divorce and relationships, every kind of relationship, between families, lovers, etc.  Another theme that surfaces is God and religion.  It is a beautiful movie.

I haven't been religiously active for years now.  There was a brief moment last year that I went to church consistently.  It lasted 5 weeks.  This blog post is not about what issues I may or may not have with religion, because quite frankly I haven't figured it out yet.  I support my family and friends who are active in their religion.  I am excited when my nieces and nephews participate in religious ordinances because it is important to them and I love them, so I support them.

There is this part in the movie where one of the main characters experiences a miscarriage after great difficulty getting pregnant in the first place and then begins the process of going through fertility treatments because of her difficulty in getting pregnant.  Her birth-mother is at the appointment with her and the doctor wants to get started with the treatment and her birth-mother says to her daughter, "Do you want to pray?" and then at the doctor, "That's what she does, she prays a lot."  Her daughter says she doesn't want to pray and this surprises her birth-mother who then asks the doctor if she could have a minute with her daughter.  The doctor and assistant leave the room to give the patient a minute with her mother.

The birth-mother then starts asking her daughter why she doesn't feel like praying.  The daughter gets defensive and gets up to leave the room to get the doctor but the birth-mother won't let her by.  Holding her daughters hands she asks her for the fifth time, or so, why she won't pray at the most important moment of her life?  Her daughter responds by saying something like, "Why would I trust this moment with someone I thought was..." and she stops.  With tears in her eyes, crying a heart broken cry that we've all experienced at some point in our life, she says, "I thought God was loving and good... I had faith."  At this point, I'm crying because watching this movie and seeing all that this character has been through, a lot of it relate-able, it was hard not to cry.

Her birth-mother responds, "What if God is difficult?  What is He is awful?  Even complicated?"  Her daughter looks into her eyes and whispers, "like me."  And the connection is made.  This hit me hard.  I know I've discussed religion on here before.  The topic of religion is delicate and complex.  It's a delicate place to be in when you know you've sinned, but from your sin comes your life's greatest accomplishment.  How do you justify those feelings?  It's also scary to consider trusting to someone else, anything else that could be remotely as important to you as your life's greatest lesson.  And so, you just kind of go through life trusting yourself with yourself.  I'm talking about being a birth-mother right now.

I could sit here and say that the reason I don't go to church is because the bishop I spoke to after I placed Baby Boy for adoption didn't handle it very well and punished me further after I had just made it through 9 months of spiritually self-refining fire.  I could.  Religious figures always make for a great scapegoat.  I could think up a dozen issues I have and place the blame elsewhere instead of owning them as my own insecurities about religion.  But really what it comes down to is that I once had faith.  I once trusted that God was loving and good.  Maybe that's ridiculously cliche for me to say.  I mean, of all the scapegoats there ever were in the history of mankind, of course I'd be angry at God.  There is no originality in that one.  I get it.  And maybe it's selfish of me to feel like I deserve a break.  But, we've all been there.  So, clearly there is enough judgment to go around in a situation such as this.

I had a dream about a baby girl the other night.  I was holding this baby girl and she had raven-black hair.  She was tiny.  And I loved her.  I could feel my love for her and it was radiating and I knew she could feel it too, even though she didn't know what it was, except that it felt safe.  My entire dream consisted of me looking down into the eyes of my baby girl and being so proud of her.  She was tiny and she was mine.  Do you know how badly I want that?  It hurts bad.

The main character of the movie ends up praying.  She is Jewish and so her prayer was sung.  She translates it for her birth-mother afterward because her birth-mother is not Jewish.  Translated, the prayer meant: "Listen, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.  Listen, O Israel, the God of love and the God of fear are one."

To be human is to be a paradox.  If it is human nature to be a paradox; to be awful and wonderful, to be complicated and simple, to be difficult and effortless and if we are to believe that we are creations of God, then wouldn't it make sense to believe that God is infinitely more complicated than we are?  This is a huge thing for me because I have felt so much guilt about my anger towards God.  And the fact that I feel guilt makes me even angrier.  But, God created emotion and emotion is confusing.  We know joy because we've felt sorrow.  We know love because we know anger.  And He created it all, so knowing that, I know he can handle my anger and desire to shut Him out right now.  It's complicated.  And this post could offer great offense to some of you out there; I realize this.  But, if I am being honest, I don't feel safe in religion right now.  And I don't trust God right now.  And that's okay because God is merciful and He can handle my anger towards Him.  Not many beings can handle this kind of anger, but He can.  He can handle it because he is the God of love and fear.  He knows the delicate difference between the two.

Radiate

On Friday, I took my first yoga class.  I've wanted to take a yoga class for a couple years now but I was scared because it's something new and I didn't have someone who would be brave to go with me, and being brave alone is sometimes scary.  Who am I kidding?  Being brave is always scary.  I don't know of too many people who think to themselves, "Gee self, you know what?  Today I am going to do something that scares the wits out of me and I'm going to like it.  I can't wait to traumatize myself."  Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way.  Regardless, for 2 years now I've wanted to take a yoga class and last week I started.

I walked into the class and I was scared.  The instructor came in and I introduced myself (voice cracked).  She was very nice and her entire demeanor was calming, something I've always wanted to command in myself.  I grabbed my mat and I set up and class started.  The music was beautiful; piano/Celtic with a backdrop of thunderstorms and rain.

Mid-way through the class my legs were shaking and we were getting into more difficult poses.  I started to stress out because I struggle with feeling weak and letting others see me struggling.  The whole class, the instructor was encouraging the whole class.  By the end of the class, I was feeling refreshed and extremely shaky.  I was also tired from the week.  Then this song came on that I recognized from my childhood, it was on my Celtic Moods c.d. that I would listen to when my anxiety presented itself.  This song has always been a calming one for me.

We moved into a pose (I don't remember the name) where our chest was raised up towards the ceiling and the stretch was allowing for an opening of the chest and it felt wonderful.  The instructor started talking about opening our heart up to possibility.  She talked about being willing to receive from the world what you put into it.  She talked about how the universe is here to carry us and care for us and we receive what we put into it and if all we've put in is good then there is no need for us to fear what we will receive in return.  At this point, I'm maintaining the stretch and hold of the position, and I'm looking skyward, and silent tears are streaming down my face.  She goes on to say, "You are worthy to receive the good you put into the world.  The only one holding you back from fully opening your heart to receive the good back, is yourself.  Open your heart and receive."  The stream of tears cascaded down my neck and my breathing was thrown off from my attempts to not audibly cry.  I'm sniffling and maintaining my pose and the entire moment was so therapeutic for me.

There is no need for me to focus on the detail of why this moment was so groundbreaking for me.  For those of you who have read my posts faithfully, we've been through a lot together.  Based on the comments I've received on this blog and privately, I know that some of what I've talked about has resonated deeply with you, and so I say that we have been through a lot together.  It's scary to open yourself up.  It's scary to believe that there is still good out there when you've been burned so many times.  It's scared to hope when your individual hope has gone to battle too many times to count.  That's where I've been lately.  Completely devoid of the desire to open up and try again.  And this yoga class has really made me think.

Every person out there, at one time or another in their life, has had the desire to be something beyond what they think they are capable of.  We all, for the most part, want to impact the world in a greater way than we've been impacted by it.  That goes for the good and the bad.  Experience, if not analyzed, can lead to pretty destructive behavior.  But, if you are able to look at your experience and know that, in reality, that difficulty was exactly what you needed, and you move forward with that understanding, then you are giving back good into the universe.  The only one holding me back right now, is me.  I can have the love that I've given.  I can have the joy and happiness that I've inspired in others.  I can.  And I will.  I will because I haven't given up.  I thought I had, but that's the thing about Hope, she never gives up.  Hope is my heart and my heart is strong and unwavering.

The instructor ended the class with a quote that is so resonant to what 2013 and the theme of pink is for me and all that this year will inspire in my life.  It's by William George Jordan, from his book The Majesty of Calmness.  It goes:

"The only responsibility that a man cannot evade in this life is the one he thinks of least, his personal influence.  Man's conscious influence, when he is on dress parade, when he is poising to impress those around him, is woefully small.  But his unconscious influence, the silent, subtle radiation of his personality, the effect of his words and acts, the trifles he never considers, is tremendous.  Every moment of life he is changing, to a degree, the life of the whole world.  Every man has an atmosphere which is affecting every other.  So silent and unconsciously is this influence working, that man may forget that it exists.  Into the hands of every individual is given the marvelous power for good or for evil, the silent, unconscious, unseen influence of his life.  This is simply the constant radiation of who a man really is, not what he pretends to be.  Every man, by his mere living is radiating sympathy, or sorrow, or morbidness, or cynicism, or happiness, or hope, or any of a hundred other qualities.  Life is a state of constant radiation and absorption; to exist is radiate.  To exist is to be the recipient of radiations" (emphasis added).

You give what you get.  Karma returns 10 fold.  You receive what you radiate.  However you want to say it, your unconscious effort is the most influential and impactful.  This is important to remember.  This quote is hanging on my cork board at work where I can see it every day.

I Am "Here"

I have been thinking of so many different things at once... and they've just been circulating in my mind over and over again.  I came across this song right before Christmas this pat year which will forever be remembered in my mind as a huge moment of transition in my life.  It seems that for me, those moments always occur in the cold seasons.  So, this song is one of the re-circulating things I've thought of.

The second thing is the frustrated feeling that you've wasted so much of your time on something worthless.  That's a haunting feeling, for sure.  It's when you start remembering all the things you wanted for your adult self when you were an innocent child dreaming about your future.  I've been revisiting those dreams so much lately.

The third thing that I've been continuously thinking about is, now that I'm an adult, where do I want my future to go?  Now that I'm an adult, I know better what I'm capable of.  A sub-category for this thought is all the fears that come along in life when you've lived a lot of life and want something pretty amazing and different from the sorrow you've experienced... and just being so scared to try because all the other times you've tried have ended up hurting pretty bad.  There is some distrust that goes along with this sub-category.

And then tonight, I was doing some grammar homework and dissecting sentences and then got ready for bed and was just laying in bed.  My sleeping schedule has been completely turned around because I've been struggling through the flu.  Today is the first day I've had my voice back since last Saturday.  It's been an interesting day.

I got a phone call today from Baby Boy's mother and we just chatted and she told me some cute things about Baby Boy and how funny he is and the things that he says.  And I loved it all.  And then she asked if I wanted to talk to him and I did.  He told me that he likes cars. He is in preschool, not school, but preschool and he was sure to correct me on that.  And then he told me that he loves me and then said good bye.  It was a wonderful phone call.

I've been in a funk.  Truth be told, I do not feel emotionally ready for this new semester.  I'm kind of freaking out.  I'm on the cusp of moving on to the next place.  I think about my job and I don't want to go back.  I'm in this place in life right now where I'm ready for something different.

And it's a combination of all of these different thoughts mentioned above that has been re-circulating constantly in my mind this past week.  How do you ask yourself the hard questions to figure out where to go next?  I've been on the verge of understanding but something is blocking me from recognizing the full knowledge.  I hear stories of people just up and quitting their jobs because they can't take one more day of "whatever" and so they quit their job and that action alone opens up doors that wouldn't have opened otherwise... and at one point I remember thinking that is such a stupid thing to do.  But now... I wonder if I should do it.

I just want to leave a mark on this planet.  Maybe that's the idealist in me speaking.  I'm an idealist.  I believe the best in people and I believe that even though I've been burned by doing this, that there are people out there that I am supposed to know and they are supposed to teach me invaluable lessons and together we will make the world a better place.  If I were to die today, I would die knowing that there is so much more I wish I would have done.  Furthermore, I would die knowing that the legacy I would leave behind for Baby Boy to learn about one day, is not the legacy that I imagined for myself when I had my second chance at life after I placed him for adoption.  He has had life-changing impact on me and I don't want to squander it because I want him to be proud of me.  And if I died today, I would die knowing that I squandered his lesson.  And that kills me.  Everything that I want to do is centered around "when" something else will happen "then I can/will"... but some of the most impactful moments in history were not built upon "when" but acting in the moment.

I don't even know if there is a point to this post.  Maybe this is all the cold medicine talking, but I know that there is something better that can be had and that all it takes is reaching for it and taking a chance.  It's not built upon something happening in the future or when I obtain my degree... it's built on taking a risk.

My life-experiences are meant for something greater than what I can imagine.  I want to impact people on a universal level, and maybe in admitting that I'm coming across as self-important.  That's not how I'm meaning it.  I know what my life mission is.  How many people can honestly say that about themselves?  My life mission is to help women understand their self-worth.  My life mission is to promote love and teach what love is because I've experienced all that love is not.  My life mission is to give a voice to populations that have previously been unheard.  So, how do I accomplish that?  I have no idea and that's frustrating to me.

I don't want another 5 years to go by where I am just doing the same thing over and over again.  I don't want to become complacent and I think that's what I feel is happening right now.  Life doesn't just happen to us.  I can't have gone through everything I've experienced just because that was the life that was "dealt" to me by some power bigger than me who deals out life-experiences.  I want to use my knowledge and my experience to help someone else.  I don't even know if I'm going to post this.  This is not coming out the way that I want it to.  I think it's coming off as complaining.  That's not the spirit in which it is intended.

I've seen complacency very recently in the experience I just got out of and it is ugly.  Complacency turns into entitlement which turns into greed at the expense of others and I want nothing to do with it.  So, I guess in a long about way what I need to figure out is how am I going to start doing what I feel driven to do?  What is it that you are driven to do?  I really hope I hear some feedback on this.  I'm not just posting this to the cosmos as one of those existential questions that can't be answered.  I would really like to know what those of you out there reading this feel is your mission in life.  And what have you done to work towards achieving it?  I look forward to your responses.  Please, don't be shy.

2013 - The Year of Fullness

The color for 2013 is pink.  I've thought long and hard about how I want to talk about pink and what pink means to me.  When I think of pink I think of softness and I also think of vibrant power.  Pink is an interesting color for me.  I never liked it in my early adult years.  I remember when I was a child I was obsessed with Hot Pink.  I wanted to be a rock-star with the name Hot Pink, but then when I got into my pre-teens and teenage years, I was embarrassed by the color pink in all it's shades, and instead became obsessed with the color black (so original, I know, you never see an angry teen wearing black and condemning the world for it's injustice... I was a total trailblazer).

It wasn't until I became pregnant that I started really loving the softness of pink, maybe it was hormones, maybe it was something else, I have no clue.  Though in my heart I know it had a lot to do with honesty, which is something else Pink is.... honest.  It is the blush of a cheek that can't be hidden.  Leading up to my pregnancy.  And since then, I've slipped back into the habit of hiding.  When I told my family I was pregnant, my biggest secret was out in the open and it was a relief.  Pink is honesty and relief.

When I think of pink now, I think of it in terms of what it is made up of.  And that's where things get real fascinating  As any child learns in school when mixing paint color, in order to get pink you have to mix red and white.  How much red you use determines the depth of color.  Red and white are very differing colors.  Red is the color of emotion: passion, anger, humiliation, power/authority, shame, etc.  Red suggests a strong personality and presence; it asserts itself.  White, on the other hand, is the color of peace, purity, cleanliness, humility, transition, innocence, morality, etc.  White suggests everything that Red does not.  What an interesting contradiction, and this contradiction has found it's home in Pink.

Pink is the balance between Red's authority and White's submission.  Pink is easily associated with anything female-related.  Pink is caring and nurturing, it houses passion but with reservation.  Pink knows the boundaries.  Pink can swell up with emotion, but can also quiet down with soft confidence.  Pink also symbolizes trust.  Pink stones, when used in stone therapy, are used for calming feelings and neutralizing disorder.  The quality of energy in pink stones is very much determined by how much Red is present, in comparison to White.  It is in this regard that Red and White work together; White promoting fullness, and Red being the catalyst to achieve fullness.

I think back on my experiences and I've never been one to allow myself to be vulnerable in a healthy way.  What I'm learning about femininity is that it is vulnerable, but in a strengthening way.  I want so badly to be in a relationship that is healthy and safe and special and perfect for me and whoever "he" ends up being.  My vulnerability lays within that desire.  I'm ready to find my husband and to build my family with him... "our" family.  In looking back at my past relationships and the pain they've caused me and in asking myself some very hard questions lately as to how I came to be in those relationships... what I've learned is that the way I make myself vulnerable to these "men", is by having no feminine authority in myself.  I let them take control and I match what they show me.  I hope that makes sense.  That hasn't worked for so I'm not going to do that anymore.

Pink has nothing to do with trusting men or belittling them.  Pink has everything to do with a woman trusting herself and being confident in herself.  If a woman can trust herself and her feminine instinct then she can achieve fullness in every aspect of her life.  It's okay to have authority.  Vulnerability has nothing to do with hoping you are good enough for someone else.  Vulnerability.... healthy vulnerability is being honest with those you are considering a relationship with.  Letting them know what you've experienced and letting them know what you don't want and if that's what you are shown then you'll walk away.  And then letting them prove themselves to you... not bending over backwards proving yourself to them, because you've already been honest in your expectations.  Vulnerability is about not hiding what you've learned, but still trusting that you can find what you want, all while remaining true to your truth, and not submitting to anything less.  To do this, you need to be an authority of yourself, you need to be more red than white... but you need to let white be your balance.

And this is what 2013 is about for me.  Finding fullness in all my relationships.  Letting people prove themselves to me and standing up for whether or not what they are proving is working for my life dynamic or not.  It has nothing to do with being judgmental.  It has everything to do with being an authority of my own life and actively deciding who will be a part of it.  I've been through Hell and back more times than I wish to consider... but that's because I didn't trust my own instinct and I had one-million-and-one reasons to justify away my gut feelings.  I have actively gotten myself to where I am and that's the Red in me talking.  The White in me is telling me to be compassionate towards myself and let the lesson be just that, an invaluable lesson.  The Pink is whispering to my heart to trust myself because I know what I'm doing, I just need to believe it.  I can have fullness in life and this year is going to be the year to understand that.

In summary, Pink and 2013 are for finding and nurturing:
-my life energy and purpose
-the encouragement of my individual confidence
-the eradication of dysfunction and disorder from my life
-balanced happiness
-self-trust
-individual instinct
-proper expression of emotion
-feminine acceptance
-protected vulnerability
-balanced authority

I'm ready.

How Do I Say What I Want To Say?

It has been so long since I last posted.  The reason being that I just came out of something that I don't even know how to begin to describe.  Isn't that always the case with me?  I swear it is.  But I will try to say what I mean to say.

Probably the best place to start with this will be to update you on some major changes:
-I am back in communication with my family and I've never felt more relief in my life.  My family is amazing and I'm blessed to know them.  When I needed love most in my life, my family surrounded me with love and acceptance, regardless of the pain I put them through for 9 months of a shut-out.  I've truly learned the worth of true love and acceptance by their example.
-I moved right before Christmas.  I was living in a crap-shack hole in the wall and it was not liveable.  Absolutely necessary repairs were needed and they were repairs I was hounding the landlord over for the entire 6 months that I lived there and so I moved because I was sick of dealing with it.  My family helped me and I am grateful to them.
-I started school again last week (ugh!).  I passed my classes last semester (my math class BARELY) and I am so relieved.  Last semester was plagued with hardship and stress, but I held it together enough to pass.  I ended up with an "A" for my Intermediate Creative Non-fiction writing class, a "B-" for my Intermediate Poetry writing class, and a "C" for my Intermediate Algebra class which was the lowest grade you could get in order to move forward.  As a side note, UVU's Intermediate Algebra is notorious for failing students multiple semesters in a row.  The average student has to take this class 3 times in order to pass.  I passed it in one go, so I'm happy with that.
-I lost 476 pounds.  It's true.  My old roommate is 476 pounds of hate and anger and sorrow and despair and she leeches on to people and bleeds them dry of their soul.  I cut the leech off and I've never felt lighter in my entire life.  She is death and I'm glad to be done with her.  In my own sick way, I hope that she is reading this because I want her to know that I know everything and she'll know exactly what that means.  That's all the time I'm going to spend on her because she's worthless and also a narcissist and I want to piss her off and by giving no more attention to her, that will do it.  She's nobody and I'm glad to not have to put up with her anymore.  Losing 476 pounds definitely changes your life.
(It's not in my regular behavior to speak so cruelly of people and so if I've offended you, I apologize.  I've also learned that to ignore and swallow down feelings, especially when you've been the brunt of an abusive relationship is more damaging than just being honest.  And this friendship was very abusive.  And honestly, one day I may regret venting what I said about my old roommate on here, but right now I don't.  This has been a huge part of my life getting out of that friendship and I'm not going to hide it from you all).

Having said that, I've decided I'm not going to go into any of the details of what I feel I need to say.  I just want you all to know that I just came out of something life-altering and I'm better for it.  Maybe one day I will talk more on it, but for right now, I don't need to focus on the intricate details because what I just went through was so irrational, that to attempt to understand it will be impossible because we are all rational beings "here".  I've come out of the fire and I've been refined.  My experience has taught me that my compassion is angelic, but there comes a point where you've got to be compassionate to yourself and move on.  It's also taught me that my family will always love me and be in my corner.  Whatever issues I had with the details of the dynamic of my family, I've worked through them and in working through them I was able to more clearly see the dysfunction of my current life and that dysfunction had nothing to do with my family.  They are the light.

Sometimes I feel angry when I think of the betrayal I just experienced.  The man that I have spent nearly 3 years loving was not who I thought he was.  And there is way more to that statement than just the simple read of it, but I'm not going to go into it because it's not important.  It hurt.  It still hurts.  I feel anger and then relief that it's over and then anger because of all that I gave up to be with him.  I lost so much of myself in that relationship.  I feel anger because of what I've lost and then I feel relief because I can reclaim myself and it's over... the relationship is over and I'm relieved that I'm relieved.

I've spent a lot of time wondering why I'm vulnerable to these kinds of relationships.  I don't know what the answer is.  But this year I'm going to learn what the answer is. I could spend time mourning over this most recent loss, but I'm done mourning.  I'm ready to rebuild.  How do I keep getting "here"?  And is "here" the same place it was when I was "there" after the learned betrayal of Baby Daddy and then placement of a child who has brought so much life and light to my life?  I don't think it's the same place because the end lesson is different and new from that great lesson.

This is what I know.  I'm not angry for the experience... when it's all said and done, I'm not angry.  Confused, yes, but not angry.  Every experience I've had has taught me about my mission in life.  Every experience I've experienced has taught me a relateable compassion for a future someone... a future person that I'm meant to know and impact, and in turn they will impact me.  How can I be angry when I know that my combined experiences can help me to help others?  I am blessed.  Here's to 2013.  I'm looking forward to it.

My next post will be the theme for this year.  I've spent a lot of time thinking about it and what I want it to mean to me.  Until next time :)

Math, I Loathe You Entirely!

Say wha?!  Yeah, math, I hate you.