"Some Poems Don't Rhyme"

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.”― Gilda Radner

I love this quote by Gilda Radner. It reminds me of the quote by Woody Allen, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." I think that's what makes change so hard to digest is because it involves letting go of what it is you wanted and worked towards for so long. As a child you are told to dream big and never lose sight of what it is you want in life. And then you get older and you realize that you actually have control over whether or not the dreams you had as a child are ones you want to pursue, or if you want to pursue something else.

Whatever it is you decide to go after, you pursue it with a passion that would be exhausting, but for how badly you want the end goal. And then something completely not in your control gets added in to it all. A situation might happen that changes everything, or worst of all... someone else has their own agency to make decisions on how they want their life to go. For a while, you both might have been on the same path, and then one day... you don't even recognize each other anymore because you don't even want the same things anymore. And everything changes and you realize that you can't control them and you don't have to let them control you. So, the only thing left to do is adapt.

You might try to adapt to their idea and their goal, but the only problem with that is that you lose yourself. Adapting is not about redeclaring a new identity. Adapting is about making what's changed, work... for you. And that's life. I have this picture in my head of how beautifully everything can fall in to place if people... a person would only see it my way... but this person feels the same way. So, what do we do? I don't know. The only thing that we can do is come to terms with the fact that our poem no longer rhymes and that can be uncomfortable and difficult for the reader. And though this part of the story still doesn't feel like the end for me, it's hard to see where it could possibly go from here. And I deeply love the characters in this story, but they are both too hard headed to see an agreement in the end, wherever the end is. So, all that is left to be done is to accept the change, embrace it, and hope that it makes you a better person for living it. You may not know where it's going to lead you, but it will lead you somewhere, and you still have some control over how willingly you are to let it take you where you're meant to go. Who knows what could possibly come from it? And that's what is scary.

The Purpose of Life is to Love

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Dear Readers,

I have been so absent this year. It's been a year full of change and adaptation; I wish I would have documented it more. I've been reflecting on this past year a lot lately. My hope for this past year, 2011, was that it would be one of bravery and a passion for living. I'm going to be open and honest and some of this I am ashamed to admit, but I've learned so much from 2011, that I can't not share my life-lessons with you.

I did a lot of living this year; wild living. I began to drink this past year. My secret is already out to some members of my family, which is why I feel safe to discuss this on here. And, before I go any further, I need you to understand that this post is not condoning wild living. The most important way to live your life is a life lived by your moral code. I drank a lot this year and that's never been a part of my moral code.

My drinking started 1 year ago, Christmas Eve. I did it because I wanted to know what it was like to feel uninhibited for one moment. I did it because I wanted to know what it would feel like to live outisde my head for one moment. It was my plan to only do it once, but that once turned in to many times. And each time, for a brief moment, I lived outside my head and then I would feel sick and depressed and vow to never do it again, only to do it again. I haven't had a drink since Halloween night and I'm not going to. Luckily for me, I did not become addicted to it. That's saying a lot, because extended family members of mine are alcoholics and I do have an addictive personality, so I am very lucky.

I thought that drinking like this was living boldly and that's stupid thinking. I lost myself. It started out innocently as something I wanted to experience, and then it turned in to an emotional thing. When I say that, I mean, I wanted to drink when things were bad, or I wanted to drink as a social activity. Beyond all of that, I wanted to drink because I thought that someone I had in my life thought I was boring and judgemental without drinking. What started out as an innocent curiosity turned into something consuming of my identity. I don't blame my actions on anyone else. I just wish I had truly been courageous and brave in taking a stand for myself and realizing that I'm good enough without drinking.

To end the year bravely, I am confessing to you all a weakness I still have. I still don't trust my goodness and my value. I still allow other people to persuade me to do things I would never have otherwise sought out to do on my own and the shame of all this is within me because I allowed the persuassion. I take ownership of that.

Having said that, a few things I've learned about myself this year are that I am determined. I don't give up. I may have let go of some people in my life, but there is a difference in letting go and giving up. Letting go inspires moving on and adapting. Giving up is just that, being defeated. I don't give up and I've learned that it's okay to let go. Letting go hurts because it's new and you are letting go of something that- for a long time- inspired you and made you want to be a better person, but eventually was hurtful in the end. This is a fact of life. The things that inspire you the most can possibly, at some point, be detrimental to your growth.

I've learned that hope is faith and I still have hope. Regardless of everything I've seen and faced and lived in my life, I still have hope. Hope is survival. Hope is a precious gift. Whether it's hope in a Deity, or it's hope in the coming morning, hope is faith that things will sort themselves out and not hurt as much anymore. I live for hope. I've recently suffered a sorrow and am still coping with it... and as much as I want to close up and hide my heart and let it become cold and indestructable, like some people believe it already is... I choose not to become hard and calloused. I choose to still open my heart to those I know and those I will eventually meet. And I'm not just talking about romantic love... that's not the only love you open yourself up to be vulnerable to. Friendships, family members, strangers that are having a hard day... there are many different ways to make yourself vulnerable, but it's necessary because it's human.

There are more lessons I've learned this year and they are coming up in later posts, but I wanted to end by saying that it is my belief that our entire purpose in this life is to love. I'm not perfect in this. I've done and said many hurtful things to the people I love the most, but I also understand that accountability for pain needs to be taken on all sides. No one person is capable of causing all the sorrow and damage of heartache and loss... it takes multiple people to contibute to loss and pain. Regardless of this, I still choose to love because that's why I'm here. I'm here to love.

Positivity is a Blessed Thing

I love those moments when you know that everything will work out, you may not know how, but you know that it will. Those moments are tender mercies and come when you need them the most. I know everything will work the way it's supposed to work and for me to say that is a huge thing because I am a control freak. Tonight... not much is in my control, really nothing actually except the decision to take a shower and go to bed. Normally when things are not in my control, I freak out, but tonight I know that everything will work out how it's supposed to and that's good enough and I can rest easy because I know that I'm doing all that I can, the rest is out of my control and I'm okay with that. I don't know why I feel the need to post this except to say that I believe in hope and sometimes hope is all we've got. It's a beautiful thing, hope.

A Lesson Learned from Astronomy

Tonight, I was reading in my textbook for my Cultural Astronomy class and came across an extremely beautiful legend. The text that I'm reading is an anthropological study of the Bororo tribe, who are the natives of Brazil... I believe. The man who wrote this book, his last name is Fabian, lived among this tribe to learn their customs and beliefs in order to write his dissertation for his Doctorates degree in Anthropology. His focus was to learn how this tribe relates to the Heavens and what their Astrological belief systems were and still are. It's quite beautiful, the legends that he narrates in this book. The narrations are brief in comparison to the science aspect of all of it, but they are beautiful all the same. The specific legend I am going to relate to you is the legend of how the Bororo tribe believes the stars came to be.

It was during a time when the men of the tribe were out hunting and gathering, so it was a season of hunting. They left their home to go out to gather and provide for their people. While the men were gone, the women every day would go out to the land to try to find food for their children. The women would be gone for a long time and would return at night with no food for their children. They told the children that they were not able to find anything to bring to them. One day, a particularly pesky child convinced his mother to let him go out with her to find food. She let him. And while he was with the women, they came across a massive corn field and the women ate corn all day, when they returned to their children, they claimed that they could not find food. The next day when the women left, this little boy told the other children what he saw and all the food that their mothers found but would not share with them. The children discussed what they should do and it was decided that they would run away from their mothers. They sent Hummingbird up to the sky with a string, and Hummingbird flew to the Heavens and secured the string for the children to climb up in order to escape their mothers. The children began to climb, higher and higher. The mothers came home and looked for their children, wondering where they had gone. One mother looked to the Heavens and saw the last of the children climbing away from them. She exclaimed to the other mothers and all the mothers looked up and tried to encourage their children to come down and nurse from them for nourishment. When their enticing didn't work, the m others began to climb up the string to go after the children. As the last child finished his climb, he looked down in to the face of his mother and he cut the string. The mothers all fell to the earth and turned into wild animals, left to forever roam the earth in search for food. The men returned to the village and could not find their children. They heard the laughter of their children above them and looked up towards the Heavens where they saw their children. Their children became stars of the Heavens and beautified the sky.

I couldn't help but think to myself after I read that, how sad the fathers must have been when they got home and found that their children were missing. And then the sorrow mixed with joy that they must have felt when they realized that their children were the stars the lit up the night of the sky. They must have longed for them so much and missed them so much, but at the same time, they must have cherished them even more for lighting up their lives and making their darkest nights bright. They must have watched the skies every night in anticipation of their children growing up and moving on... and when the seasons changed, their children would move one, but eventually they would come back to see their fathers. And their fathers must have watched patiently every night for the return of the light of their beloved children.

It's hard not to hear that legend and think of Baby Boy. He is a bright star and I get to watch him from a distance. I miss him, but I'm happy that he gets to shine so brightly in his surroundings with his family and siblings. I think I know how those fathers of old felt when they would gaze up at the sky at their children. Maybe that's why that legend is so beautiful, is because I feel like I can relate to it. And maybe that's what makes it so beautiful, is that a person of such modern understanding can feel and tangibly understand the emotions connected with the belief of a culture that still believes in ancient legend to understand the Heavens. And, I think, beyond that... any parent can relate to this legend, not just birth parents. There comes a time when all children "leave" their parents and move on to another place in life. There is a disconnect that occurs... and in most cases, the children eventually make their way back to their parents, but they've changed. I don't know what the future will bring, but I hope that one day Baby Boy makes his way back to me... not to act as his mother, but to know the woman that I am and will become. I will always benefit from his light because I will always be aware of him and I will always know his beauty and perfection. If he doesn't choose to know me, then I hope the things he learns of me will prove to be a light to him in his life because he is the light of mine. I hope I can be the same for him in return.

This Is My Truth

“There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be...”
― John Lennon

This is my truth, a truth I've finally come to know: There are no mistakes in life. Everything we wished we could have done differently, or the places we've been we wished we might not have gone... they all led us to where we need to be and if we find we no longer want to be there, well, that can all change with one decision. Life is not meant to be lived with regret, so no more regrets... now it's on to the living.

I took a big step today in shedding off my shame. Shame is the destruction of your soul. Your truth may not be widely accepted... and what your truth is can change over time, but that doesn't make it wrong for the moment it was exclaimed. That just means that, when your truth changes from what it was into what it is now, that you had more information available to you in order to come to a better truth. Wrong is not "wrong", it's just misunderstood, and we all would be better people if we took an active interest in understanding that which doesn't make sense to us because only then can we build better truths within ourselves.

My Thoughts on Weakness

The only way a relationship can grow in the way it needs to grow is if it starts from ground zero and those involved recognize the other person's weakness for what it is; the thing about that person that makes them most vulnerable and therefore needs the greatest care... not judgement.

Dear Sweetheart,

Dear Sweetheart,

I really miss you tonight. I've missed you a lot lately. I don't even know what to write right now because all I know is what I feel. I've noticed something in my life, it seems the older you get and the more life you live, the deeper you feel your emotions... and sometimes those emotions are so big that you can't even name them. Tonight is one of those nights.

I'm trying to become a person you would be proud of and some days that's harder to do than others. Today was one of those days. Tomorrow is another day and that's a beautiful thing. I love you so much. I love you so much Baby Boy. I'm not proud of everything I've done in my life, but the one thing I'll always be proud of is you, the greatest blessing I've ever been given. I love you Baby Boy.

Love,

your birth mother

... [ENTER WITTY TITLE HERE THAT SUMMARIZES THE BRILLIANCE OF THE FOLLOWING POST]...

What a weird night? Anyone else feeling full of emotions that they can't recognize? This is frustrating. I feel so... on the verge of tears only I can't name the emotion. Today is the 10 year anniversary of 9/11 and it's bizarre. So much can happen in 10 years. So much life can be lived and forgotten about within 10 years. So many promises can be made to yourself and then... life gets in the way and you forget what once was important to you and then you find yourself in a place you never anticipated and you don't remember what it is you ever wanted. You're at ground zero... you are at a place in your life where it needs to be re-built from nothing. You have to find a sturdy structure to re-build on because the one you had before proved faulty... or just incapable of surviving the blows of life.

I don't mean for this post to be philosophical. And maybe it's not. What I do know is that I thought that I had re-built. I thought that when Baby Boy was born and I left the hospital and he was united with his parents... and my soul died on the drive home... when I went to bed that night, I thought that that moment was ground zero and now I'm starting to realize that life is full of those moments. And they hit you out of nowhere. And they make you feel insignificant to the task that lays before you. How do you re-build what you once thought was indestructible? How do you adapt to change and survive? How do you find yourself and claim ownership when everyone around you is fighting against the person you feel you are?

Everyone has their own ideas of how something should be re-built. Everyone has their own ideas of where the previous foundation was faulty and why the destruction happened in the first place. But, who has the final say on the new creation? This has all been on my mind for a long while now and... I didn't realize how... scary it is to re-build. And I honestly don't know if this post is making any sense. I have a gazillion thoughts competing in my head and they are ridiculously hard to catch. Okay, there aren't a gazillion of them... really there are like only (one second while I count), okay there are really 4 major thoughts going on in my head right now. But, they are all giant gorillas on my back.

I'm a boat-rocker... I stir things up. I don't say this in defiance. I say this because... I've always been that way. Again, not out of a need to be defiant, but because I see the world differently... I see things differently. And it's hard. And, I am not seeking pity... I don't mean for this post to be a woe-is-me post. I'm just trying to make sense of it all. I challenge people's perspectives on things and I don't do this to create enemies. I don't do this to make other's see that I'm right and they are wrong, even though I'm pretty sure I can come across that way. I do this because in my heart, what I am fighting for... isn't wrong, and it's not right either, but it shouldn't be feared because it just "is".

This is a confession post, though I lack the gumption to declare my confession because I know that it's going to disappoint a lot of people who care about me. I will alleviate some fears that I know are going through a lot of minds right now. No, I'm not pregnant. No, I haven't been doing anything to lead to pregnancy (last time I heard, Immaculate Conception hasn't happened for a long time). Yes, I believe in God. No, I'm not leaving my organized religion. No, I am not planning to stage a Revolution against the Government (though I feel a Revolution is definitely in order). I think I've covered all the big fears.

I'm shaking right now as I try to decide whether or not to post this blog-post. I might regret this post. I'm pretty sure I will, but, I also hope that from it great things will surface and be resolved. And I know that I've been very sneaky in not coming out and saying what I'm referring to. If I could leave you all with a thought to consider, it would be this:

We are most afraid of that which we don't understand. We aren't meant to understand everything. People will come into our lives that live their lives in complete contrast to our own, that doesn't make them bad and if you perceive them as "wrong" or "shameful" or "disappointing", perhaps some inward reflection would be beneficial. People are people. There are "bad" people out there... those are the ones who commit crimes against humanity... you know the type... Osama Bin Laden, Hitler... those kinds. But, for the most part, people are just trying to survive and if they happen to look different, or they talk differently, or they believe in a different God... that doesn't make them wrong. We can all learn a lot from each other; to "learn" is to "come to realize"... what that realization is, is ultimately up to you. Don't judge a book by it's cover. I hate to end this post with a cliche, but I suppose if you are to use a cliche, that would be a good one to use. Don't judge a book by it's cover, it's usually better on the inside than it looks on the outside.

Autumn Time Means Back to School

I return to school on August 29, 2011. I finally did it. It's been a long time coming, but I did it and I am so excited. Here's to the next step.

My Sun

I was just sitting here thinking back on specific moments the last little while. I'm sitting in my living room after my shower after my swim this morning and the lights are off and the sun is shining brightly through the ceiling sun lights.

I'm thinking about Baby Boy and the last time I saw him. It was for an Adoption Walk I attended about a month ago. I can't remember if I've already written about it or not. His dad brought Baby Boy and Baby Boy's siblings to the walk and we walked around the track together. My little guy was running all over the place, not at all wanting to be contained in any way. He had the biggest smile on his face and the longer he smiled, the rosier his cheeks got. His eyes are beautiful hazel and his skin is olive complected. He looks like a little Italian baby, he is serious perfection. I followed him around for such a long time and I was mesmerized by him. I created him, I made him from scratch... and he is changing every day more and more and he takes my breath away every time I see him.

He openly swatted at his sister. Now, I do not condone siblings fighting physically, and this was hardly a fight. Rather, it was more of an annoyed swat... but it was adorable. And the look on his face when he did it was the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life; his brow was seriously furrowed and his jaw set. Apparently he has a "hitting problem" that his parents are, "working on"... those are direct quotes. And, my heart warms when I heard that... not because he hits, but because he hits. That doesn't make any sense except that it makes perfect sense in my head, which I'm not going to try to explain. And when he gets upset he throws whatever is in his hand. I learned from his dad, that if nothing is in his hand, then he will walk into the kitchen and purposefully tip over the garbage can. It is impossible for me to find the words to describe how much joy the knowledge of his garbage-can-tipping brings to my heart. It's true.

The little man's got serious defiance and I love that about him. He hardly said a word but his voice when he laughed made me break out in goosebumps. The last time I heard the sound of joy was the first time I heard him cry. The sound of joy is my baby's laughter. He is observant, he watched his surroundings like a hawk and maintained interest in the object he was watching. He is brave, he wanders off and doesn't look back like most babies his age, rather he keeps going and if you don't watch him close, he's gone before you realize it. I love his fearlessness. A fire engine went off and he didn't cry, he simply watched the fire truck as it left the track (the local fire department came in support of birth mothers). He watched the fire engine with a look of curiosity on his face and he never looked away until it was out of his sight.

I bribed him with a piece of a donut. The little man didn't want to be contained which made holding him difficult, so I resorted to bribing measures. It's true. I held out the piece of donut in my hand and he reached for it, at which point I slowly pulled it just out of his reach and closer to me. When he was within grabbing distance, I held him for a brief moment... just long enough for him to shove the donut in his mouth and then run off.

I got to hold him as he drank a bottle. It was getting late in the afternoon and he had been running all over the place. It was near to his nap time and we were all wrapping things up to go our separate ways. His dad gave me a bottle, and I resorted to bribing measures again, and I picked him up and held him while he drank. At first he looked at me inquisitively and then he began patting my shoulder lightly. I think he might have been a little nervous and so I started whispering into his ear how much I love him. He rested his head against my lips and I whispered over and over how much I love him. I then handed him back over to his dad and we all went our separate ways. That was a beautiful afternoon. I love his parents deeply. They are amazing people and have been amazing towards me and my family. He was always meant to be with them. That knowledge doesn't make it any less easier, but in a way it does because I know that he is safe, and happy, and loved, and adored, and will always be provided for. The memory of the Adoption Walk is imprinted upon my memory like the feeling of the warmth of the sun before you step into it. You know it's beautiful and you can lose yourself in the warmth. It's quiet and that's what is so special about it, even in it's softness, the memory will never be forgotten.

I am a blessed woman. I am grateful for Baby Boy's parents. I am grateful for Baby Boy. I am grateful that I was blessed to deliver him. I am a blessed woman.

Hope

‎"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all." - Emily Dickinson

Hope is a blessing and a curse. Hope can bring you peace and make you feel like you are going insane. Hope can be liberating and it can be exhausting. Hope can be naive, but take a lifetime to to believe in. Hope can sit quietly for hours, days, months, and even years... and then when you least expect it, will fill your soul with song. No matter what, I choose to hope.

A Lesson Learned Perhaps Too Late

Life is about love. It's not about who wins an argument. It's not about who is more right than wrong. Sometimes, you've got to back down because the argument isn't worth the pain that it inflicts in the lives of those you love the most. My biggest failures in life have been born because of my inability to own my wrong-doings and respect the pain that my wrong-doing has caused in the lives of others. There are times when you cannot and should not attempt to explain away your shortcomings because, simply, there is no excuse good enough to erase the hurt that you've caused. And to argue at that point... is tragic.

Summary of My Gratitudes for 5.19.2011 to 5.26.2011

I am Grateful for:

-The song "A Day Without Rain" by Enya: I am grateful for this song because it reminds me of a time when I felt the most secure and safe.

-My friends: I am grateful for my friends (they know who they are) because of their patience and kindness and because of no matter how frustrating I can be, they still love me.

-Leaving work early: Always a nice thing to get to do.

-A night of peaceful sleep: I am grateful for that moment when you are semi-conscious and completely aware of how comfortable you are and that you get to continue being that comfortable for a while longer.

-My dad: He fixed my car and bought the parts. He has saved me thousands of dollars over the years because of his help and I am grateful for him.

-My brother: He helped my dad to fix my car. He is so easy to talk to and he gives the best hugs. I gave him a hug goodbye and when I pulled away to go home, he pulled me in closer and hugged me longer and I really needed that. I'm grateful for his love.

-A moment of tranquility: I was swimming in my apartment's pool that is outdoors and I stared up at the mountains that still have snow on them and it was odd to me to be outdoors swimming when there is still snow in the mountains. But, the longer I stared at the mountains, it was like all the tension literally washed from my body and it was a wonderful moment. I'm grateful for that moment and for my ability to recognize it for what it was.

-The sun: The sun shone bright one day and it was so warm on my skin and nurturing. It felt nurturing and it made me happy and hopeful. I focused on all those things as I walked around outside and I want to always remember that moment because it was... a soft moment, if that makes sense. I felt like I was walking in softness and it was beautiful. This is another moment I'm grateful I was able to recognize.

-Swimming lessons: My dear friend Beauty taught me how to swim better because I was pretty much only capable of the doggy paddle and I had loads of fun.I have much more fun when I swim now because I actually swim rather than just wade.

-The rain: I've complained a lot about the rain lately, but as I checked my mail one evening I got a whiff of rain mixed with dirt and the sidewalk and flowers from somewhere. I love the combination of those smells. If only that smell could be captured in perfume. I love the way the rain surrounds you and revitalizes your spirit. I am grateful for the rain for as long as it should last because I know I'll miss it when it's gone.

-Therapy sessions: I am learning so much and I'm grateful for this. I am learning how to better react to difficult situations and it has already made all the difference in the world just since this last Tuesday. I am learning I impact those I love most depending on my reactions to them. And I'm learning alternatives to some of the negative ways that I react. I don't need to control every situation and the people in it, I just need to control how I respond and there is power and peace and joy in the control of my emotions. I'm grateful to learn this.

-Birth Mothers Group: I am grateful that I felt confident to share what I've learned with the girl in group who is currently pregnant. I felt a shift of... "emotional atmosphere", if you will, from when all the other birth mom's were bombarding this girl with their opinions to when I leaned across the table towards her and calmly asked her what her biggest fear was. That was the first time anyone listened to her and I felt this quieting moment as she gathered her thoughts to answer. And every time one of the other girls would cut her off, I would bring the dialogue back to her. I felt protective of her. I wanted her to feel like she had a voice in all of this; she needs to orate her story and she needs to figure out what her voice in all of this is and I wanted her to express it, I didn't want it to be told to her. I can't explain the shift of emotion, but I felt it and I am grateful because I was able to experience where I've come from, where I currently am, and where I want to be one day all within the same moment and it was beautiful. I'm grateful for that.

-Staying late at work (on occasion): Since I've started going back to therapy and attending group, I haven't been making my 40 hours per week. One night, we all stayed late at work because we had to finish a Procedural History to file with the court by the next morning and it was kind of fun to chill out with my boss and co-worker as we drafted and re-drafted the document. I'm grateful for this moment because I haven't always seen the niceties about my job. I've complained a lot about it and so I'm grateful that I am learning to notice the good moments when they come and they come a lot more often than I've previously realized. I'm grateful for staying late at work tonight because it will get me closer to my 40 hours this week.

Focusing on the things that I am grateful for and actively looking back on each day's activities and recognizing that there is much to be grateful for each day has helped me so much this last week. I am excited to see what I learn from the next week to come.

An Exercise in Gratitude

I started attending therapy this last week. On top of attending therapy I have also returned to the birth mother's group offered through the agency whom I placed through. It's made quite a bit of difference already. I stopped attending the groups because things with work got extremely busy but then things got to a place where I could have continued attending had I chosen to, but I didn't want to. I wanted to believe I was to a place where I had coped and dealt with everything and I was the epitome of "alright". Anyway, I have now attended to birth mother's groups and the first week I went back resulted in a flood of emotion during group. I didn't realize how much pent-up grief I had inside me. I was a mess. But, when I drove home that night I felt so much... so much more intact than I have for a long time now. Nothing changed. My sorrow was still there and I was more aware of it than in a long time and the situational circumstances that were wearing on me were still there, but I was finally paying them attention and that's what the difference was. I was recognizing what was going on. I wasn't trying to push it away, or looking for some way to mask it, I was aware of it and that recognition brought with it that feeling you get when you exhale a long exhale after a long day of difficulty because it's over, that day is over and you survived. I felt that.

At this last weeks group we talked about gratitude and how there have been studies done about people who are experiencing grief or working through trauma and during all of that, the people experiencing these hardships are more recognizing of the blessings in their life. The studies have gone on to state that, in some cases, these people recognizing the blessings and what they are grateful for benefit more from that alone than actual therapy. More studies have been conducted that have proven that people who attend therapy and don't facilitate and accept real changes in themselves will regress into the same negative patterns as early as 5 years after they attended therapy. But, the people who learn to recognize the blessings in their lives and who are grateful for those blessings benefit more long term than the ones who don't recognize the blessings. We were given a gratitude journal at group and an assignment to write down three things every day that we are grateful for that happened that day. I've decided that I am going to make this a consistent habit and that I am going to share it with all you, my dear friends.

Yesterday I was grateful that the morning divorce mediation I had to assist with ended early. I wasn't feeling ready to listen to people argue for hours on end and I didn't want to do it, but it ended after an hour and was rescheduled. That was a blessing and I am grateful for it. I was then able to make a lot of progress in my other cases.

I am grateful for understanding friends. I only have my perception of events and I was not aware that I had hurt a dear friend of mine the day before. It was brought to my attention and I felt bad, but my friends are patient and understanding and I am grateful for that. The hurt has been healed and I understand myself better and how I can come across and that is valuable knowledge to have and I have my dear friends to thank for helping me understand this. I am grateful to them.

I am grateful for Murdock my lily plant. I know that sounds silly, but he is beautiful and you look at him and he is so happy. It's been a long couple of weeks and the weather has been drizzly and depressing. I love the rain, but not when it is constant. Rather, I love the thunderstorms that hit out of nowhere and last for a bit and then go away and leave the world refreshed and then the sun comes out and it's beautiful. The rain we have had in Utah has been constant and the sun... not completely present. I came home from work yesterday and Murdock was on the table outside and he has new blossoms and he was bright against the contrast of the sky. I looked at him and my heart was happy and I smiled. I'm grateful for my lily, Murdock. I will post a picture of him. I think you'll agree that he is fantastic.

I won't post these gratitude posts every day. Instead, I will collect them throughout the week and post the highlights on a weekly basis. I can tell you today that I am already starting to recognize quicker the moments that lead to my gratitude. It's a good feeling, being grateful.

Deleted Comments

I was noticing today that some of the comments from my last post are now gone. To those of you who commented and it's now no longer there, I don't know what happened. I know that blogger was having a maintenance the other night and now the comments are gone. Please know that I did not delete your comments. I value everyone's input and I want you all to know how grateful I am for your support. It means more than you will ever know. God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Other Mother

An Awakening

It's been a really hard couple of weeks. I'm not going to go into details leading up to my awakening, but I have learned something about myself that is... frightening to recognize. It makes so much sense though and while it's difficult to realize... I feel relief. I was in therapy after I placed my son for adoption and therapy was going relatively well. I felt like I bonded well with my therapist and like I was making progress through the aftermath that comes from placing your child for adoption. Before I knew it, life became really busy and work became... completely encompassing of every aspect of my life... and therapy went on the wayside.

I think I always knew that I needed to go back, but I couldn't find the time... but even saying that isn't completely true. At one point, I couldn't find the time, but then after a while... I had time, I just didn't prioritize it anymore. I wanted to believe that everything was fine and I was the epitome of grace under fire. Well, lately my life has felt like it's been spinning out of control and I spent majority of today crying in a bathroom stall at work. I met my mother for lunch and... I wasn't myself and she caught on to the lack of me and I... spoke honestly with her. Some things came out that I had been hiding from her because I wanted her to think that everything was alright... and she started to cry. I made my mother cry. She told me, "Your dad asked me the other day how you are doing and I responded, 'I think she's lost. I think she is looking for something but she doesn't know where to find it.'"

My heart... and my soul deflated when I heard her say that to me. It's defeating to learn that the facade you've put up for the longest time was never believable in the first place. That's when I admitted to my mother that I need help. I feel like I am spinning out of control and I need help. One of the last things that I learned while in therapy was that I suffer from abandonment issues. In fact, I've been researching it lately and I think that that diagnosis could be the root of everything else... my anxiety, my separation issues, and even my inability to concentrate when stressed and scared... and I'm scared a lot.

I went to birth mothers group tonight for the first time in over a year and... I sat away from everyone else. The caseworkers facilitating the group recognized me from before and they kept calling on me to give my perspective and experience and it was hard and I didn't want to share my story, but I did and it was honest. It was honest. And it left me feeling... at rock bottom but completely at peace. I might regret this post tomorrow morning. You may think that the things that I've written before were completely raw and honest, but this is as honest as it gets.

I need therapy and I'm going to get it. I need to address some serious issues if I can ever hope to have a healthy relationship. So, this is that start of something knew and now that we've got that awkwardness out of the way, allow me to make it more awkward by introducing who I really am and what unresolved abandonment is to me.

My nickname is Kiki and I am 26 years old. I placed my son for adoption a year and a half ago and I suffer from unresolved abandonment issues. Every second of every day I am insecure in myself. I self medicate these insecurities mostly by eating. I am self-defeating because I don't believe in myself to succeed; I constantly self-sabotage myself. I have minimal self esteem and my self worth is contingent on whether or not I feel loved... and I don't think I'm deserving of love, so essentially I see myself as having no value whatsoever. I have a hard time connecting with other people. I can keep them at a distance while giving them just enough information to think that they know who I am... and I don't even know who that is anymore. I ruin healthy relationships because I think that the one I am with is better off without me because, in my mind, I'm worthless. I am in a constant state of depression with the occasional moment of peace and humor... but I never trust those moments to last because... they usually don't because I do something to sabotage the good.

I'm sorry if this has made you uncomfortable, but... it feels good for me to talk about it. I am relieved to speak about this. For the longest time I've felt the need to pretend that all is swell and... it's not. And that's okay. I'm aware of the core issue now and I'm going to get help for it. I'm going to talk about it on here. Mental health issues, in our culture, are usually attached to some pretty heavy stigma and the only way to change that is to talk about it and I'm going to talk about it. I'm going to talk about it here, publicly. I hope you stay with me. I think we can all learn a lot.

Lots of Thinking Going on Today... and Lately... In General

This song has nothing to do with Mothers Day except for the fact that if I could put all my feelings and emotions over the last little while of my life into one piece of text, then the lyrics to this song would be what I would say.

I wish I could fix all the wrong that I've done to myself and to others. Sometimes it's easier to pretend like everything is fine and you can go along in that way for a while, but it gets exhausting. And when it becomes exhausting, that's when it's easier to run away. But, running away doesn't solve anything. I know this for a fact.

You'll make strides and then something will happen and hiccup the progress and it may not seem fair and it might involve more hearts than just your own. You might have brought on the pain all on your own or it might have involved other people. Upsets will come and how you weather the storm is the telling factor of what will come of it. You may choose to ignore it or you could face it head on. Experience has taught me that the outcome is better if you face it head on rather than pretending that everything is fine. In fact, if you face it head on, you'll get through it; rather than pushing it back to another time to resolve.

I feel beaten down and exhausted. I want to run away, but I stay. I want to hide, but I also want to live. I want to give up, but my determination won't allow for it. Life can't always be fixed. And that's part of living. One decision can alter the rest of your life and all the best intentions in the world might not fix the mess that's been made... and that's still not a good enough reason to give up. The beautiful thing about life is you can mess up all you want, but you still have the rest of your life to make it right and the lessons that come along the way make it all worthwhile because you become a better person for having experienced all of it.

Today is Mother's Day and... it's a ridiculous day created by corporations to market chocolates and flowers... it means nothing. I am a mother but no one knows that. I love my son and I gave him the best I could and that was a life with opportunity. Do I wish I could have kept him? Every second of every day I wish that I could have kept him. Did creating him alter my entire life? Completely, but I am thankful for the difference. He's made me better. Are there days when I want to give up and run away? All the time.

This song has nothing to do with Mother's Day... but, it sums up all that I want to say right now.

[Insert Clever Title Here]

The main reason I started writing this blog was to talk about Open Adoption and offer my perspective on it as a birth mother. From this I have learned more about myself and who I was and I have a really good idea about who it is I want to become. What I've noticed along the way is that it is so much easier to look back to another time and see who you were and then look forward to recognize the type of person you want to become; but the current "who am I right now?" is the hard question to ask because you are stuck in the "now". I don't know if I've talked about this before or given this specific example but there is this little story that narrates better what I'm trying to say... to a degree. It goes something like this:

Imagine you are a carrot and you are going along in life as you know it, minding your own business and going with the flow when all of a sudden your world and all that you know is interrupted and you find yourself spinning out of control and you start colliding with potatos and pieces of chicken and celery. With each collision you feel more and more pain but you can't figure out where it is you are and where you're going, but all you want to do is to get back to where you were because you weren't spinning out of control then. You go on in this fashion for quite some time and just when you think that all is lost, or you will never find yourself again, you are out of the muck and you are looking down on the confusion and chaos. You look around yourself and take in your surroundings and you wipe the muck away from your eyes and you look down at where you came from and it all makes sense finally. You understand that you are part of stew.

I know that sounds so silly. And I don't mean to make light of the gravity of what I will be attempting to say from here on out. Here's the point, we are all part of stew. Life is stew and we are part of it and every now and then our lives will be interrupted by a big "stir". For the most part we won't see the "stir" coming until we are swept away in it. That's when life is chaotic and hard because you feel like you are out of control... like you have no control over your own life anymore. You collide with people that leave you hurting, you collide with experience that leaves you feeling damaged and incomplete, you lose every sense of security you used to have and realize that you took that security for granted and you want desperately to get back to the place that felt safe. And then, before you know it, you aren't spinning anymore and things are calm and quiet. You are still a little dizzy from the "stir" but it's easier to find solid ground and you can see and what you see is where you came from was no where you'd like to be again and the bigger picture is more obvious. It's in that moment that you understand where you want to go and you know a little better who you are, but even that is confusing because you are a different person from who you once were.

I'm in that place right now. My eyes are open and I can see. It's so interesting because I had this idea at the beginning of this year that I would live my life "red"... or fearless. Well folks, that's proving more uncomfortable than I ever thought it would be. And that's okay. This is what I've learned so far this year:
1- Fear is always there. The point is to break through the fear that is holding me back.
2- It's not healthy/good to base all your dreams and goals into one "thing" because if you do and that's your only focus then you will miss all the important lessons that come with the experience of living.

I've been working towards a major goal and I pushed all other goals out of the way to make it to this one goal and I am so near completion that it's liberating, but during this process my life was "stirred" unexpectedly and the original goal has somewhat changed or been postponed... or is unattainable at this point. And now I'm understanding that outside of that one goal, I didn't have anything else to work towards, so now I'm left wondering "what now?" And that's the point. "What now?"

One thing I've noticed during the process of this blog is that I learn things about myself I never set out to learn and they are invaluable. With the support of some very dear friends I am learning how to be happy in myself rather than placing my happiness in things that are "to come"... what does that mean? "To come" is not a subjective time frame... it's a horizon. That "to come" may never come and depending on how invested I am in the stuff of life, I might not recognize the "to come" should it actually come.

I need to find happiness in my self and I need to find security in myself before I can ever be a security for anyone else. I'm glad I see this now because it could have lead to some very disastrous and unnecessary hardship. That's not to say that life won't stir up more difficulty, but I feel better equipped now to face it when it comes. I'm learning who I am and I'm learning to love her and appreciate and respect her. I'm learning that she's a bit quirky, but she's full of compassion and has so much love to give even if sometimes it doesn't seem that way.

My goal is to get back into school. My goal is to focus on my hobbies and develop my talents. My goal is to speak kindly to myself and not put myself down. I really want to eliminate the word "can't" from my vocabulary... that one may take a little more time to accomplish and if I don't accomplish it, then I would at least like to retrain my thoughts to not automatically turn down something I would have never thought to try in the first place because, maybe when I try, I'll like it after all. How do you know you aren't able to do something or that you won't like it if you don't at least give it your best attempt at least once. This is the direction this blog is going to take. I know who I was, now is the time to focus on who I currently am and that will naturally lead into the person I want to become... and she's pretty stellar because she's who I am now and ever was; the only difference is she knows it.

Let It Be

Last night I was informed that Osama Bin Laden is dead and I was listening to the song above as I found out and I haven't been able to stop listening to this song since. I don't own a television so I don't have instant news. All the news I get, I get after the fact when I read it in online articles. This is so surreal to me. I remember where I was when 9/11 happened. I was late for school. It was my senior year and I had overslept. I was sitting in the bathroom putting on my makeup. I overheard my sister and my parents exclaiming shock and dismay about something that was on the news; I just figured it was political mud-throwing. Not too long after that I heard more exclamations and shock and I went into my parents room to see what was so alarming on the news. That's when I saw the feed of the second plane crashing into the second World Trade Center tower. I couldn't believe my eyes, it was so bizarre to see a plane fly into a building. My parents informed me that two planes collided into these buildings and that there was speculation that it could be terrorist activity.

I walked back into the bathroom and absent mindedly brushed through my hair as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I kept thinking to myself, "What if it is a terrorist attack?" And then I would quickly console myself by brushing away the idea as absurd. But, the reflection in the mirror that stared back at me was that of a frightened teenager. I woke up that morning feeling like a woman and on top of the world and... dare I say it? Like a mature adult. The girl staring back at me in the mirror was a frightened child. My mother hugged me and kissed my cheek as she ushered me out the door to school. I remember her hug was lingering and when she kissed my cheek, her thumb lingered on my cheek bone as she stared into my eyes. I told her I was scared and she told me, "It will all be alright. I'll see you when you get home sweetheart." And then she hugged me once more and I left for school.

As I drove to school, my eyes were not on the road, rather they were on the sky watching for any rogue airplanes that might drop at any second. I know that sounds absurd. Why would Al Qaeda spend it's time focusing on the small town I grew up in... a town whose biggest threat are the boys that tip over the farmer's cows at night... silly pranks. But I was convinced that a plane would fall from the sky and that it would land on my town. When I got to school I walked through the empty halls and heard the televisions blaring in every room, all on the same news station. There was silence, no obnoxious students giving their teachers hell... no roudy rooms where a teacher is trying in vain to regain control of their clas... the only sound was that of the same news anchor reporting the events that changed the world within the last 5 hours.

When I was a nanny in New York, the people I worked for told me first hand their experience on 9/11. They had lost loved ones and dear friend in the attack on the World Trade Centers. They knew of children who had been fostered out because both their parents were in those buildings. The father of the children I nannied cried as he spoke of being trapped in a city that was being attacked and not being able to get home to his family for 18 hours because all the roads were closed and pandemonium ensued wherever you went. He was only blocks away from where the towers fell and he lost a cousin who was in the building. When he tried to leave the city, all the bridges were closed off and people were running helter skelter in every direction. Las officials didn't know who to protect and where the threat was coming from. No one trusted anyone, yet everyone helped complete strangers to get to safety.

The only reason I relive all of this is because... it's come to a close. I remember my grandmother relating to me the events of Pearl Harbor. She told me that every generation would experience a moment in their life where the world as they've come to know it will change drastically because of war. She told me, "You will remember everything about the moment when you heard the news that war has been declared." War was declared and one man was on everyone's hit-list because of the hate that he spread and for nearly 10 years the entire world's focus has been on attaining this man. And now he's dead. So, where does that leave us? Can we finally move on? Can healing take place in the lives of those children who lost both parents for reasons they don't yet understand? Will the politicians finally stop pointing fingers for political gain? What have we learned from any of this? I don't know the point of this post. All I know is that the man that held all the answers is dead... what is the goal now? Hopefully it's peace, but is peace really possible? I guess we'll find out with the next generation.

Babies on my Mind

It's interesting. I am so baby hungry. Truth be told, I've been baby hungry since Baby Boy was four or five months old. Motherhood is a complicated thing... beyond that "birth-motherhood" is an even more complicated thing. As a birthmother, you take joy and pride in your creation... the most beautiful creation you've ever accomplished... but you observe from a distance. My eyes are watering right now. I can't describe in words what my heart feels. My son is beautiful and perfect, but he is no longer mine. To be honest, I'm surprised by these feelings. And, I think... I know I've mentioned it in previous posts that... when these feelings hit is anyone's guess. And these feelings are hitting me again and they've come out of nowhere.

This time isn't like the last time these feelings struck. The last time they hit, the emotion was easy to recognize because it was pure sorrow mixed with quiet reflection. This time... it's confusing. I want a baby really bad. But, not just to have a baby. I'm not taking on, or promoting, the ideology that if I had a baby my life would be perfect and no longer filled with "the stuff of life" that makes life sometimes difficult to swallow. A baby is not a fix all. I want a baby because I want to start my family. There are children that are meant to be with me and I want to get them here. Just as Baby Boy was not meant to be with me... there are children who are meant to be with me and I am so excited to meet them and be with them. It's just a matter of timing. I've never been good with my life's timing and I've learned that a lot of it is based on patience... and I'm more patient now than I used to be. But patience is still hard to digest when you know the beauty that is to come.

I am in love with an amazing man and he is in love with me and we often talk about our future family and how excited we are to meet our children. He is wonderful. This is the same Mango I've always talked about. I am a lucky girl to know his love. Together, he and I are going to create a beautiful family... but, it's going to take some time and patience to get there. We are both working on our individual stuff with a united front for a common goal. That common goal is marriage to each other and it's going to take some time and that is fine. I've got time. I don't know what the common thread of this post is. I've just been sitting in my office at work today and the only thing I can think about is my future family.

I stood at the window and let the warmth of the sun flood in upon me and it was wonderful; it was the first solid stream of sun Utah's had for weeks now and it was greatly appreciated. And as I stood there, I imagined this little girl with long hair and she is shy and her presence is like the warmth of a ray of sun... peaceful, enveloping, and quiet. And... it sounds crazy, but that little girl is mine. She's mine. I can't describe how I know this, but I do and I can't wait to meet her. It's going to take some time and that is fine. I can be patient when I know that the outcome is as beautiful as the sun. I am baby hungry, but this time I'm going to do it right.

It's Been Like... Forever Since I Last Posted...

It's been so long since I've posted anything. A quick recap of the last couple of months. I turned 26 in February. The love of my life turned 26 the beginning of this month (I know, I'm a cougar apparently) and his beautiful pixie-of-a-daughter turned 6 a couple days later. There have been lots of birthdays. For those of you who didn't know, and why would you because it's been decades since I last posted, Mango and I are dating again. If only the simple words of that sentence could convey the immense joy that feels my heart at that statement. I love my Mango and I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have him in my life. My baby boy is thriving. He's still chunkier than ever, though now that he is moving and walking and terrorizing the house and turning it on end and keeping his mother on her toes with cleaning after him, his chunk is now leaning out. His smile is still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I can still hear his laugh in my head. I am grateful to his parents for sending me pictures and giving me updates. I love getting the texts that his mom sends me every now and then letting me know how everyone is on their end. I am a blessed woman.

I am now an official member of a roller derby league. I am a member of the Happy Valley Derby Darlins, which is a brand new league. We have had about 5 practices is all and I am having a blast with it! It's nice to be surrounded with girls that like to play as rough as the boys, it makes you feel normal. We have our first fundraiser coming up at the end of this month and I'm freaking out trying to come up with an idea as to little knicknacks I can make to sell at the fundraiser. I think I'm going to make little fridge magnets. You know the ones that are a clear marble like... thing with cute pictures underneath? Yeah, how is that for a description...? That perfectly explains how crafty I am not. Anyway, I went to this craft store and found some cute images I can use as the magnet picture, they are Steam Punk style and I love that style. It's an awesome style and one that I think will be interesting to the type of clientele that will frequent the fundraiser. Is this post thrilling for you? haha... wow, my life has slowed down greatly it feels like even though I swear I'm never home anymore.

I have started hcg again. Today is my second day on the 500 calorie diet and I must say I feel more capable this time around. Before, I felt like I obsessed over the food that I couldn't have, but now... I don't feel like I have that obsession anymore and that's a liberating thing. Then again, I am only 2 days into it, and I'm doing a 40 day cycle, so will see what song I'll be singing in 20 days. Mango is supporting me in this. In fact, he is going off of sugar... which is hard core for this man who has an addiction to pop tarts. I love him. I'm doing this with Beauty, so we are doing it together which helps, so that we can be a support to one another. My dear friend whom I have not mentioned yet in this blog... we'll call him Voodoo-Man because he knows things he shouldn't, haha, he is also supporting me and Beauty, as he is also saying goodbye to sugar for the time that we are doing this. I know amazing people. I am so lucky to have such supportive people in my life.

I don't know what road this blog is going to take. I feel like it's only natural that the blog shift to something else, which is why I haven't written in so long. For the longest time, this blog has been about my journey through open adoption and my role as a birth mother. While I will always be a birth mother, I am not going to let that role define my life... that role has blessed my life, but as all birth mothers come to understand, I would imagine, at some point that title no longer defines you the way that it has up until in no longer does. It's not a negative thing, but for however long you need it to, that is your identity because you are living it. I feel like I have entered a new place now and that's what is supposed to happen. So, I can't promise that my posts from here on out will have anything to do with Open Adoption. If you are here reading this blog simply for that fact, then I apologize to disappoint you. Thank you for being a part of that part of my life and I hope you stay tuned to see where I go next because, all in all, life is a process of steps to be taken and the scenery changes as you progress and sometimes you'll visit the places you've already been because you miss them...

I used to be afraid of where it was that I was going, but I'm not anymore and I look forward to see what comes next. That's a place that we all need to get to. So, I hope you stick around and come along for the ride because I've appreciated your presence thus far.

Feeling the Need to Speak

Have you ever felt like there is something inside of you that needs to speak... but you don't know what it is you need to say? I feel that way right now. Everything is beautiful in my life right now. It's like needing to take a breath when your lungs are already full of the previous breath; you aren't going to die from lack of oxygen, but the need to breathe is still there. It's bizarre. That's the best way I can describe what I feel right now, the need to speak but not knowing what for and therefore not knowing what to say.

It's been exactly seven minutes from the moment I typed that last sentence and I don't know what to say, but something needs to be said. This is maddening and yet I'm completely calm. I think the need to speak comes from the fact that it's harder to live life Red than it is to simply say, "From here on out, I'm going to live bravely and work to conquer my fears." It's easy to say those words, but it's harder to stay in place when all you want to do is run... or casually vacate the area that is causing so much apprehension, without anyone noticing your leaving.

I went to the gym last night with my brother. He is training to participate in Tough Guy and he wants me to train with him. Ideally I would train with him to participate in the event myself, but... I have other dreams I'm focusing on right now, so I just want to work out with him because he knows his stuff and is a good trainer. I'm happy that I get to work out with him because not only is it beneficial, but it will give me the opportunity to spend more time with my brother.

Last night I did an hour of cardio, simple cardio, so that he could get a feel for where I was at physically, so we know where to start. Not even 10 minutes into the work out, I was feeling extremely anxious and not wanting to continue and desperately wanting to leave. It wasn't that I thought I was going to die because I couldn't physically follow through with the workout itself. It was that I couldn't stop concentrating and focusing on all the people around me. There were so many people... everywhere. I kept darting my gaze around the gym and I could not... I could not what? I could not concentrate on myself because I was scared of all the people surrounding me.

My brother picked up on my nerves and talked me through them before he went to work out himself. I was grateful to him. After he left it was hard to not feel anxious still, but I tried to zone out to what was surrounding me. I even continued my workout with my eyes closed, as if closing my eyes would erase all the other people surrounding me. It didn't work.

And then this girl on the treadmill next to me named Melissa started talking to me. She asked how long I'd been coming to the gym and I told her this was my first time to this particular gym. She kept talking to me. She is there to get into better shape because she and her husband want to start trying for children. I told her that I usually weight train and am not a fan of cardio. I also told her about Baby Boy. She was so intrigued that I had placed him for adoption that she started asking questions about adoption and that's when it happened, that's when I finally chilled out. It was nice to be able to focus on something familiar. I talked to her for about 15 minutes about adoption until she was done with her workout.

When she left I was much calmer and I no longer noticed the people around me. Don't get me wrong, they were still there, but I no longer cared. I finally started focusing on why it was that I was there.

I want a family. I'm ready to start my family. I've found the man with whom I am going to build my family and my future with. He is wonderful and I love him and he loves me and we are excited for our future together. He is the same wonderful Mango I've spoken of before. I focused on him and I focused on our future and I focused on what kind of mother I want to be; and that woman is fearless. I should explain my interpretation of that word. Fearlesness to me is not the absence of fear itself, rather it's the presence of fear and still choosing to live your life out loud despite being surrounded by the things that you are afraid of. Fearlesness is choosing to live life especially when in the midst of the unknown.

That's the woman I want to be. That's the woman I'm learning to become. That's the kind of mother I want to be, and the kind of wife I know I can become. But, it's not just for my future family that I want to be that woman. Mostly, it's for me. I deserve to be that woman. John Lennon spoke about love being the driving force to overcome fear. He said, "There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life."

I realized last night that I did not go through everything life has thrown at me just to end up defeated and afraid. I've survived it and now it's time to live. To live is to love and I'm loved and in love. My greatest ability is to love. I can be the woman I want to become because of my ability to love. I've got this. It's in my grasp. All I need to do is take off running with it, because only then can I fly. Are these words too brave for me? Absolutely not. I've got this.

Rubix Cube Human

The following is a poem I found while looking through some old papers. It's a poem I wrote while I was dating Baby Daddy and it's extremely revealing into who I was at that time. A lot has changed since then and I'm glad for the change. I'm not proud of the woman I used to be, but I'm proud of the woman I'm becoming.

Chameleon

The many sides of me
Aren't so easy to see, but
I can be whatever
You need. A chameleon
Posing as a civilian- I'm
The one
And the million.
Heavenly irreverent,
I draw you in because
I'm your sin.
I'm charmingly disarming,
But it's not a game and
You are not my toy,
Boy. I do
not deceive-
So, believe me-
All the different parts of me are
My reality.
Fold and re-mold me,
You can even tear me
As long as you repair me.
I would bleed just to be
What it is you'd like.

Copyright: Other Mother

The Color of 2011

For the last couple of months, I've been thinking about what color I want 2011 to emulate. This is important to me because this color will set the entire tone for the year. I've decided to go with the color red. 2010 was a year of accepting and moving forward in a natual rhythm; nothing forced and so it only seemed natural that last year's color was blue, which is the color of the ocean and water. You cannot control the flow of water, it happenes naturally and that is what I wanted for 2010.

I'm excited for 2011 and when I think about excitement I think about the color red. Red symbolizes excitement, energy, passion, love, strength, and power. Red symbolizes anything intense and passionate. That's what 2011 is going to be for me. Anything I set my mind to in 2011 I'm going to accomplish and I'm going to accomplish it with passion and excitement.

Red is bold and brazen. "Brazen", that's an interesting word. It usually caries along with it a negative connotation, like a contemptuous kind of boldness. But I like that word... brazen. To me it means something purposefully done; something done in a manner suggesting that it was meant to be done, regardless of the outcome; like taking a chance on something that is important to you, even though all the odds are stacked against you, and everyone tells you that it's impossible, but you do it anyway because you've got to at least try. How else will you know how cold the water is unless you jump in? Sure, you can tiptoe in, but that isn't always beneficial. To tip-toe is to prolong what is inevitable. I doubt I'm making any sense right now.

Red is brave and what I need in my life right now is a little bravery. Blue was the transition in to the unknown and red is the bravery to see me though to what's on the other side. Red is beautiful and bold and life needs to be lived boldly... I've learned that a life lived any other way than brave is a life empty of life. I'm ready live boldly now.

Inspiration

Last year was a year of transition and growth and slow awakening. And through all of that I learned what it is I want to do. I want to be the catalyst to affect change in young women who are in a vulnerable spot in life and at a cross-roads.

It's hard to be a girl and I've done just about everything wrong that there is to do wrong and I know what it's like to not have a clue as to who you are or the good that you are capable of doing. I know what it's like to feel unworthy of love. I know what it's like to want so badly to be accepted that you will lose your identity in order to become who it is that other's want you to become in order for you to "belong". I know what it's like to feel like you are being buried in confusion and not able to claw your way to the top... it's all head noise; you are desperately seeking oqygen only you can't make it out of the ground that is pounding down upon you. Head noise telling you that you aren't good enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, that you aren't loveable, that "if you were something other than what you are then you would be great, but you aren't so you are worthless", and that you don't deserve happiness because of the horrible things you've done. It's horrible head noise.

My mission is to teach girls experiencing all of the horrible head noise that they are worthwhile and that they don't need to be who other's want them to be in order to be deserving of love and happiness because their individual identity is sacred and no one should make them feel otherwise. I want them to know that the only person they need to worry about "belonging" with is themselves because insecurity comes from not knowing who you are or fighting against who it is you want to become, rather than who the voices say you should be.

I want them to know that love will come to them and that love accepts them and they don't have to change themselves in order to be accepted. I want them to know that their top priority is to love themselves before they let anyone else who isn't worthy of them love them. I want them to know that once they love and accept themselves that the other stuff will naturally fall in to place, they'll know who they are and they'll recognize their self worth and they won't let those who don't deserve their love abuse their love. I want them to know that anyone who tells them that they aren't good enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, loveable or deserving of love, undeserving of happiness, or just shy of greatness... that those people don't deserve their love. It's hard to be a girl, this is something I know, and if my story can help some girl recognize the lies in the head noise so that she can appreciate herslef and love herself, then that's all that matters.

I'm excited about 2011. I feel like I have been given insight to the direction I'm supposed to take and I can't wait to figure it all out. I can't wait to see what happens this year.

The Holidays

I haven't written anything for the longest time. The holidays have all come and gone and a new year is officially here and I still don't know how I feel about any of it. It's confusing. I didn't know what to expect this year with Thanksgiving, Christmas, or the New Year. Last year, rather 2009, everything was still so fresh from my baby boy's adoption that Thnaksgiving was a blur. I hardly remember it, that could be because of the pain medication I was religiously taking. Truth be told, I didn't want to be aware of Thanksgiving 2009 and I was extremely thankful for my pain meds. I'm ashamed to say that, but if this blog is anything, it's honest. My baby was born November 13, 2009 and a week or 2 later I was sitting at a table surrounded by family and eating turkey and I don't remember any of it, all I remember is that I was empty. I no longer had a child inside me and I was cold. And then Christmas came.

Christmas 2009 was even colder and I was surrounded by loved ones. My oldest sister and her husband literally took me in and welcomed me in to their home so that I wouldn't have to be alone at my apartment and I'm eternally grateful to them for that kindness. That was a spiritual Christmas for me and that was the first time in a long time that I actually felt safe... I remember that feeling very well. As a child I was obsessed with Christmas trees, but Christmas 2009 my obsession became... I sat in the livingroom every night till extremely late and I just stared at my sister's beautifully decorated Christmas tree and I wished that I was holding my son and sharing that moment with him and the longer I stared at that tree the easier it was to imagine him there with me and I never wanted to look away, afraid that the I wouldn't feel him in my arms anymore. Christmas 2009 came and went and then the New Year came.

The year 2010 came and I welcomed it eagerly, desperately seeking a new beginning and I've learned so much. I am of the opinion that 2010 was a refining year and a year of transition, transition into what, I know not, but I've got this feeling that it was in preparation for 2011 and I'm excited for 2011. The beginning of 2010 was tenuous. I had to get a grip on who it was I thought I was and I had no clue who that was quite frnakly but I knew that she was strong and willing to experience the transition and so I went with the flow. The theme color for 2010 was blue which represents water and fluidity of life and I chose that color specifically so that I would be reminded to let life happen. You can't control water, and for the most part you can't control life and I wasn't going to try to control it anymore. Spring and Summer of 2010 were beautiful and warm and full of progression and surprises... beautiful surprises. And before I knew it, Autumn came and with it... more surprises, thought these ones not beautiful or comfortable, but full of valuable lessons and potential for growth if I didn't push them away. And then Thanksgiving came.

Thanksgiving 2010... I didn't know what to expect. It was hard to be around my family because I want a family. My sibling's families are beautiful and I am blessed to know such beauty and love. It's interesting. Before I had Baby Boy it was difficult to go to family functions because I wanted what my siblings had, a family of my own, only I didn't have it and so to be surrounded by what I dreamed of but hadn't achieved was painful beyond words. And Thanksgiving 2010, again, I found myself surrounded by my wonderful sublings and their beautiful families and again, I desperately wished I had a family of my own; only this time, I felt the loss in a deeper way, a loss of knowing my son and his perfection and knowing that I couldn't offer him what he deserved... Thanksgiving was hard and I didn't expect that.

The next month passed within a moment and Christmas was here and... I... was having a hard time preparing myself to, again, be surrounded by my siblings and their gorgeous families. I sound horrible saying all of this. Please, don't for one second think that I feel resentment towards my family because I don't, I love them all dearly and would do anything for them. And that's the point I'm trying to make, I didn't expect any of these feelings to be present for the Holiday season, but they were and they were more intense than I ever thought possible... it's confusing.

And here we are, 2011 is now here and I am excited and scared at the same time. Scared might be the wrong word, perhaps apprehensive is the correct word. And yet, I feel more in control of myself going in to 2011 than I did in 2010. When 2010 came around I was barely existing. And now 2011 is here and I feel like I'm... ready to live again. I'm learning about myself and who I am. Not so much who I want to be in the sense of who I think people want me to be, but I'm learning to embrace and love the me that is me. And in case you are wondering who that is, she is a girl who is meant to shake things up which can be uncomfortable, but that's the point. Trials are meant to stretch us to the point where we can accept change in to our lives. Trials grow us for change. It's beautiful. Difficult, but beautiful and well worth the discomfort. I'm ready for it.

I love you all. Thank you for your continued support. Let's learn and grow. Let's make 2011 beautiful.