Saturday, March 31, 2012
Focusing on "The Now"
I'm at my parent's house this weekend. I'm having some much needed time with some nieces and nephews. I'm sitting here and I pulled up some pictures of Baby Boy when he was 4 months old and I was looking at them and loving his chunkiness. The boy has leaned out dramatically over the last 2 years. My niece- whom I'll call Little Bird, because she is precious like a little bird- came in to the room and asked me who the boy in the picture is. Little Bird is 4 years old and she speaks with a heavy Finnish accent because she has spent majority of her life in Finland. "Who is zat boya?" Little Bird asks. I tell her "his name is [Baby Boy]." She smiles and her eyes crinkle as she says, "Ahh, he iz zho cuteh!" I laugh and I say "yes he is." I showed her some pictures of when he was sealed to his family and I pointed to a picture with my family and his family and him, that was taken on that sacredly beautiful day and she asks "He'z famly iz in whi-eteh (white)." And I told her "Yes, they were all dressed in white." She asked me, "Do you not have bigger peecture of heem?" And I asked her, "You mean as a grown up?" She said, "Yes." I told her that he isn't grown up yet and that he is only 2 years old and she responded "Oh, zho cuteh! My baby iz 2." And I responded, "Yes, you're baby sister is also 2 years old." I showed Little Bird a more recent picture of Baby Boy and she exclaimed, "OH! I know zis boya. Grampa showed me heem and told me heem." And I said, "Yes, that's Baby Boy. And we have pictures of him." She responded, "I luv heem." And I told her, "I love him too. And I love you." And she responded by telling me the same thing.
I wish you could feel my heart right now. One of my biggest fears when I was getting ready to place was how would I answer the questions of my nieces and nephews, and should I even answer them or should I let my siblings answer them? What does a 4 year old understand about adoption... and is it my place to fill them in on adoption? These and countless other questions plagued my mind. Plagued. Tonight, I learned something. The point is not about adoption. The point is not that Baby Boy was adopted. The point is that he is loved by all who know of him. A 4 year old doesn't really understand the concept of adoption fully and they don't need to. But, one thing a 4 year old does know about is unadulterated love. One of my other nieces, she remembers when I was pregnant. She is also 4 years old. And she remembers this necklace that I wore all the time after I was pregnant. It was a simple chain with a tiny picture of Baby Boy on it, and a tiny gem stone signifying Baby Boy's birth month hanging with the picture, and it was given to me by Baby Boy's mother. Sadly, I lost this necklace about 1 year ago. But she remembers me wearing it almost every time she sees me and we hug, she tells me, "Umm, Kiki, you remember that picture around your neck of McKade?" McKade is what I called Baby Boy over the course of his pregnancy and it is now his middle name. I'm always shocked that she remembers McKade, because she was so small during my entire pregnancy, but she does remember him. I tell her that I do remember the necklace. She tells me, "McKade is so cute. I love him." I agree with her that McKade/Baby Boy is cute and I tell her that I love him, and her as well. She loves me too.
My older nieces and nephews delight in looking at new pictures of Baby Boy that I receive from his parents. They laugh at his cuteness and they enjoy hearing stories that I pass on to them from his mother to me. They love him. He is so loved. The point of all this is, that if you are a birth mother and you are afraid of how to answer these questions when they come up, don't be afraid. Children are Perfection personified. They don't judge. They don't discriminate. They love and they want to understand. They will be your best audience. And they'll ask you what they need to know. And what they need to know is only what they'll ask. If you are afraid at how everything will sort itself out... it's okay to be afraid, but don't forget to believe that it will sort itself out. And more than likely, it will sort itself out without your forcing it to. So, let it be, and let it come when it comes, and then let it happen as it happens. You'll do good. That's another point, one that keeps stressing itself in my life and, yet, which I haven't fully trusted with it's own merit; balance and resolve (as in resolution) will occur on it's own. I think the Universe is set up that way. Everything that must resolve will resolve as is necessary for it do so. You and I don't need to sweat it. We don't need to stress it and make ourselves sick over it. We don't even need to miss sleep over it. Life.Will.Resolve.Itself. This is not a means to say that we shouldn't carry on living our lives and seeking out the goals that we have for ourselves and striving to make a future for ourselves. Simply, let go what isn't in your power to control. Just let it go. It will work out as it's meant to work out. I need these words more than anyone. Just focus on the now and what's to come will happen.
I wish you could feel my heart right now. One of my biggest fears when I was getting ready to place was how would I answer the questions of my nieces and nephews, and should I even answer them or should I let my siblings answer them? What does a 4 year old understand about adoption... and is it my place to fill them in on adoption? These and countless other questions plagued my mind. Plagued. Tonight, I learned something. The point is not about adoption. The point is not that Baby Boy was adopted. The point is that he is loved by all who know of him. A 4 year old doesn't really understand the concept of adoption fully and they don't need to. But, one thing a 4 year old does know about is unadulterated love. One of my other nieces, she remembers when I was pregnant. She is also 4 years old. And she remembers this necklace that I wore all the time after I was pregnant. It was a simple chain with a tiny picture of Baby Boy on it, and a tiny gem stone signifying Baby Boy's birth month hanging with the picture, and it was given to me by Baby Boy's mother. Sadly, I lost this necklace about 1 year ago. But she remembers me wearing it almost every time she sees me and we hug, she tells me, "Umm, Kiki, you remember that picture around your neck of McKade?" McKade is what I called Baby Boy over the course of his pregnancy and it is now his middle name. I'm always shocked that she remembers McKade, because she was so small during my entire pregnancy, but she does remember him. I tell her that I do remember the necklace. She tells me, "McKade is so cute. I love him." I agree with her that McKade/Baby Boy is cute and I tell her that I love him, and her as well. She loves me too.
My older nieces and nephews delight in looking at new pictures of Baby Boy that I receive from his parents. They laugh at his cuteness and they enjoy hearing stories that I pass on to them from his mother to me. They love him. He is so loved. The point of all this is, that if you are a birth mother and you are afraid of how to answer these questions when they come up, don't be afraid. Children are Perfection personified. They don't judge. They don't discriminate. They love and they want to understand. They will be your best audience. And they'll ask you what they need to know. And what they need to know is only what they'll ask. If you are afraid at how everything will sort itself out... it's okay to be afraid, but don't forget to believe that it will sort itself out. And more than likely, it will sort itself out without your forcing it to. So, let it be, and let it come when it comes, and then let it happen as it happens. You'll do good. That's another point, one that keeps stressing itself in my life and, yet, which I haven't fully trusted with it's own merit; balance and resolve (as in resolution) will occur on it's own. I think the Universe is set up that way. Everything that must resolve will resolve as is necessary for it do so. You and I don't need to sweat it. We don't need to stress it and make ourselves sick over it. We don't even need to miss sleep over it. Life.Will.Resolve.Itself. This is not a means to say that we shouldn't carry on living our lives and seeking out the goals that we have for ourselves and striving to make a future for ourselves. Simply, let go what isn't in your power to control. Just let it go. It will work out as it's meant to work out. I need these words more than anyone. Just focus on the now and what's to come will happen.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Open Adoption Roundtable #35
http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2012/03/open-adoption-roundtable-35.html
The above blog is one of my favorite bogs and the woman who runs it has so much knowledge about the world of adoption. One of the things I love about her blog, is the prompts she "issues" to help open the discussion of open adoption. She just issued a new prompt, and it is as follows:
We've written about siblings in open adoptions twice before. Now we're going to look in the other generational direction: grandparents. While the legal processes of placing and adopting focus on the triad of first parents-child-adoptive parents, the reality is that adoption involves extended family, too. So this time we're offering up a nice, broad prompt to reflect on the influence of, relationships with, and experiences of grandparents in our open adoptions (whichever grandparents you choose).
Write about grandparents in open adoption.
I really love this prompt because I don't think that grandparents, as well as extended family, in open adoption situations get enough recognition. This is a topic that is close to my heart and I'm excited to write about it. In my other life (pre-Baby Boy), I never thought of my actions and how they would impact my family. I always took responsibility for my "stuff" if my decisions ended up with painful consequences. When I found out I was pregnant, I was determined to do the right thing, whatever that proved to be. I was brave throughout my pregnancy. I focused on my unborn child and what was best for him. I attended every doctor's appointment faithfully and always in pleasant spirits. I took my pre-natals religiously, and I paid real close attention to my moods and how they affected Baby Boy. What I learned about my emotions is that when I was stressed, or mad, and my heart pounded hard, that Baby Boy was super restless and I knew that he was impacted by my moods and so I chose to be calm. And that was an easier decision to make while I was pregnant than it is now. What I am saying is that I took responsibility for my actions and I chose to do whatever it took to keep my baby healthy and happy, and that made my life easier.
It was about 1/3 of the way through my pregnancy when it occurred to me how involved my family was with the whole thing. They were my rock; my solid ground. They lived the experience with me, especially my parents. My parents, they were amazing. I'll never forget, one night I was really struggling with major heart-burn (something I rarely had until I became pregnant) and I was so tired from working all day and I was tired emotionally and I didn't want to go to the grocery mart. I was talking to my mom about it and she was delighting in my pregnancy story and relating her experiences to me of when she was pregnant, and our conversation made me feel so normal and not like a failure. And I appreciated that. My dad was listening in on the conversation and he said something in the back ground and my mom said, "We'll be over. We are going to bring you some food and antacids." My parents showed up with food and antacids and my dad was carrying the antacids. He handed them to me and smiled and hugged me and we all talked for a bit before my parents left. You probably are wondering what is so important about antacids. The antacids themselves aren't important, what is important is the act in which they were given. My entire family took on the role of my support, especially my parents.
Where a traditional couple has support in each other, a birth-mother (at least in my situation) had no support from her partner. Every single one of my siblings and both my parents stepped-up and supported me in the way that every pregnant woman needs support, beit a run to the grocery mart for antacids, or attending the ultrasound to figure out what gender the child is. My mother was there when I found out Baby Boy's gender and I'm really glad I wasn't alone for that. Finding out the gender is a major part of pregnancy in my eyes and one that I did not want to be alone for.
The time came and I delivered a beautiful angelic baby boy. I was in a hospital bed for 16 hours waiting for him to be here and my mom was there the entire time with me. She left for a couple of hours after the delivery to shower and get refreshed, but she came back to the hospital. The support I needed when I wanted to jump out of that hospital bed because I was anxious and not wanting to be there and to face what was to come, my mother was that support. My father supported me in his way too and I wouldn't have been able to do any of it without them. My mom offered me encouragement when it came time to start walking around the hospital (after a c-section it's PAINFUL) and her encouragement was so welcomed. I wished so badly that my pregnancy was a "traditional" one and I'd done it right and married the guy I procreated with BEFORE I procreated, but I didn't. And my parents were the support I needed that I wasn't getting from my partner.
The time came to leave the hospital. I placed Baby Boy with the social worker of his parents and I was wheeled out of the hospital by my social worker and my parents took me home for a couple of weeks. I found safety and security in their love during that very difficult time. I then moved in with my other sister and her family because she didn't want me to be alone for the holidays. I stayed with her for a couple of months and in her home I was loved and accepted and comforted. My family never stopped loving me and supporting me.
My mother was the go-between for me and Baby Boy's mother during the first couple tenuous weeks or more. Baby Boy's mother would send text pictures and updates to my mom and communicate with my mom about how I was doing and my mom would let her know. I can't imagine how scary it must have been for Baby Boy's mom to navigate how to communicate with me and I love her with all my heart because she is an amazing woman and never forgot about me and my family.
When Baby Boy was 6 months old and the adoption was finalized, he took part in a religious observance and was blessed and eternally sealed to his family. My parents and I were invited to the sealing and I was so scared because I didn't know how I would respond. I waited in the waiting room during the sealing and when it was over, my mother came and got me and she had been crying and said "There are some people who anxiously want to meet you." I didn't know what she meant.
We walked outside the temple and it was a beautiful day. I was standing with my parents, and person after person that I'd never met before came up to me and with tears in their eyes they thanked me for the decision I made and they hugged me. They were the siblings and parents of Baby Boy's adoptive mom and dad. They were the extended family on the other side of this open adoption. I watched how they loved on Baby Boy and they loved him like my family loved him. I watched and I knew that everything I was seeing was "right". My nerves calmed. Me and my parents were invited back to the house for lunch and we went and I got to know Baby Boy's aunts and uncles and grandparents. And I love them.
The next day he was blessed in church and my entire family was invited. After the church service, we were invited back to the house again. It was packed. And it was beautiful. Baby Boy was surrounded by ALL of his family. Love was tangible in the air; I felt it. Tons of pictures were taken. Everywhere you looked, there was a camera; this was a celebration of joy. Again, I watched the love that Baby Boy's grandparents and extended family showered on him on both sides.
Baby Boy is part of something beautiful. Grandparents are grandparents whether their grandchild is "biological" or adopted. Blood doesn't change love. Grandparents love their child and when their child is hurting because they find themselves pregnant and not married and no longer in a relationship, or their child is desperately wanting another child but for whatever reason pregnancy just isn't happening. Grandparents love their child and their child loves their child, and grandparents love their grandchildren. Grandparents are parents too and when sorrow is involved, it doesn't matter how old a person is, they are still a parent and their child is still their child. A family is a family regardless of how it is made and they always watch out for each other.
Open adoption is a blessing because it unites families and the extended families of these families may not be traditional, but they still are very much emotionally-family and they need to be considered. Always. A grandparent's influence will always be a part of child's life (adopted or not) in one way or another, whether it is from a distance, or directly hands on. Family is family, extended or not, and their impact lives on for generations.
The above blog is one of my favorite bogs and the woman who runs it has so much knowledge about the world of adoption. One of the things I love about her blog, is the prompts she "issues" to help open the discussion of open adoption. She just issued a new prompt, and it is as follows:
We've written about siblings in open adoptions twice before. Now we're going to look in the other generational direction: grandparents. While the legal processes of placing and adopting focus on the triad of first parents-child-adoptive parents, the reality is that adoption involves extended family, too. So this time we're offering up a nice, broad prompt to reflect on the influence of, relationships with, and experiences of grandparents in our open adoptions (whichever grandparents you choose).
Write about grandparents in open adoption.
I really love this prompt because I don't think that grandparents, as well as extended family, in open adoption situations get enough recognition. This is a topic that is close to my heart and I'm excited to write about it. In my other life (pre-Baby Boy), I never thought of my actions and how they would impact my family. I always took responsibility for my "stuff" if my decisions ended up with painful consequences. When I found out I was pregnant, I was determined to do the right thing, whatever that proved to be. I was brave throughout my pregnancy. I focused on my unborn child and what was best for him. I attended every doctor's appointment faithfully and always in pleasant spirits. I took my pre-natals religiously, and I paid real close attention to my moods and how they affected Baby Boy. What I learned about my emotions is that when I was stressed, or mad, and my heart pounded hard, that Baby Boy was super restless and I knew that he was impacted by my moods and so I chose to be calm. And that was an easier decision to make while I was pregnant than it is now. What I am saying is that I took responsibility for my actions and I chose to do whatever it took to keep my baby healthy and happy, and that made my life easier.
It was about 1/3 of the way through my pregnancy when it occurred to me how involved my family was with the whole thing. They were my rock; my solid ground. They lived the experience with me, especially my parents. My parents, they were amazing. I'll never forget, one night I was really struggling with major heart-burn (something I rarely had until I became pregnant) and I was so tired from working all day and I was tired emotionally and I didn't want to go to the grocery mart. I was talking to my mom about it and she was delighting in my pregnancy story and relating her experiences to me of when she was pregnant, and our conversation made me feel so normal and not like a failure. And I appreciated that. My dad was listening in on the conversation and he said something in the back ground and my mom said, "We'll be over. We are going to bring you some food and antacids." My parents showed up with food and antacids and my dad was carrying the antacids. He handed them to me and smiled and hugged me and we all talked for a bit before my parents left. You probably are wondering what is so important about antacids. The antacids themselves aren't important, what is important is the act in which they were given. My entire family took on the role of my support, especially my parents.
Where a traditional couple has support in each other, a birth-mother (at least in my situation) had no support from her partner. Every single one of my siblings and both my parents stepped-up and supported me in the way that every pregnant woman needs support, beit a run to the grocery mart for antacids, or attending the ultrasound to figure out what gender the child is. My mother was there when I found out Baby Boy's gender and I'm really glad I wasn't alone for that. Finding out the gender is a major part of pregnancy in my eyes and one that I did not want to be alone for.
The time came and I delivered a beautiful angelic baby boy. I was in a hospital bed for 16 hours waiting for him to be here and my mom was there the entire time with me. She left for a couple of hours after the delivery to shower and get refreshed, but she came back to the hospital. The support I needed when I wanted to jump out of that hospital bed because I was anxious and not wanting to be there and to face what was to come, my mother was that support. My father supported me in his way too and I wouldn't have been able to do any of it without them. My mom offered me encouragement when it came time to start walking around the hospital (after a c-section it's PAINFUL) and her encouragement was so welcomed. I wished so badly that my pregnancy was a "traditional" one and I'd done it right and married the guy I procreated with BEFORE I procreated, but I didn't. And my parents were the support I needed that I wasn't getting from my partner.
The time came to leave the hospital. I placed Baby Boy with the social worker of his parents and I was wheeled out of the hospital by my social worker and my parents took me home for a couple of weeks. I found safety and security in their love during that very difficult time. I then moved in with my other sister and her family because she didn't want me to be alone for the holidays. I stayed with her for a couple of months and in her home I was loved and accepted and comforted. My family never stopped loving me and supporting me.
My mother was the go-between for me and Baby Boy's mother during the first couple tenuous weeks or more. Baby Boy's mother would send text pictures and updates to my mom and communicate with my mom about how I was doing and my mom would let her know. I can't imagine how scary it must have been for Baby Boy's mom to navigate how to communicate with me and I love her with all my heart because she is an amazing woman and never forgot about me and my family.
When Baby Boy was 6 months old and the adoption was finalized, he took part in a religious observance and was blessed and eternally sealed to his family. My parents and I were invited to the sealing and I was so scared because I didn't know how I would respond. I waited in the waiting room during the sealing and when it was over, my mother came and got me and she had been crying and said "There are some people who anxiously want to meet you." I didn't know what she meant.
We walked outside the temple and it was a beautiful day. I was standing with my parents, and person after person that I'd never met before came up to me and with tears in their eyes they thanked me for the decision I made and they hugged me. They were the siblings and parents of Baby Boy's adoptive mom and dad. They were the extended family on the other side of this open adoption. I watched how they loved on Baby Boy and they loved him like my family loved him. I watched and I knew that everything I was seeing was "right". My nerves calmed. Me and my parents were invited back to the house for lunch and we went and I got to know Baby Boy's aunts and uncles and grandparents. And I love them.
The next day he was blessed in church and my entire family was invited. After the church service, we were invited back to the house again. It was packed. And it was beautiful. Baby Boy was surrounded by ALL of his family. Love was tangible in the air; I felt it. Tons of pictures were taken. Everywhere you looked, there was a camera; this was a celebration of joy. Again, I watched the love that Baby Boy's grandparents and extended family showered on him on both sides.
Baby Boy is part of something beautiful. Grandparents are grandparents whether their grandchild is "biological" or adopted. Blood doesn't change love. Grandparents love their child and when their child is hurting because they find themselves pregnant and not married and no longer in a relationship, or their child is desperately wanting another child but for whatever reason pregnancy just isn't happening. Grandparents love their child and their child loves their child, and grandparents love their grandchildren. Grandparents are parents too and when sorrow is involved, it doesn't matter how old a person is, they are still a parent and their child is still their child. A family is a family regardless of how it is made and they always watch out for each other.
Open adoption is a blessing because it unites families and the extended families of these families may not be traditional, but they still are very much emotionally-family and they need to be considered. Always. A grandparent's influence will always be a part of child's life (adopted or not) in one way or another, whether it is from a distance, or directly hands on. Family is family, extended or not, and their impact lives on for generations.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Lots of Questions
Do you know what I love about this song? Absolutely everything. I love the stark chords of the piano playing rhythmically and carrying the melody all on its own... it's very reflective. And then there is that other instrument, right at the beginning, it might be a guitar... whatever it is it adds this delicate dissonance to the piano that takes my breath away. I kid you not, my breath catches in my chest and I just listen. There are a couple different definitions of the word dissonance. It can mean a difference between one's actions and beliefs. It can be an instance of inconsistency or disagreement. But in music, dissonance is a clashing or mingling of discordant sounds that results in a sense of unresolved musicality. The opening of this song, whatever that second instrument is in the back, that plays along with the piano chords... it's dissonance is delicate and almost unfelt, but it's there all the same.
I think this is how life is sometimes. The clashes in life don't always have to be big or obvious... sometimes the most difficult ones are the ones that exist and are there but not "there" enough to even be able to explain them... but they are there all the same.
Then this voice enters in the song and he is beautiful. And the piano chords take on a soft echo and the song grows into more instruments and more voices. And then the chorus comes and all 4 voices combined sound like they are a bird in flight. Have you ever just watched a bird fly? Not just in passing, but actually stopped to watch a bird in flight? It's one of those amazingly inspiring things that leave you breathless. You watch the bird soar and it soars with strength and then it does aerial somersaults and dives and it is so astounding that it brings tears to your eyes. The chorus... is like that. And the song builds to this momentous moment and then quiets back down to one voice and then reverberates back with the strong and grounding chorus of all 4 voices. The song ends with one voice and the piano chords, only this time they are lower than when the song first started out and then the piano stops completely and you are left with the other instrument and it is... it's like it is vibrating inside of you, that's the only way I can explain it, and you feel it in your head and it is completely encompassing. I love this song for it's musicality, but I also love this song for it's lyrics:
"When you lose something, it's all that you want back. You waited patiently. But it don't work like that. When you lose someone, the first thing that goes through your head, is if you run fast enough, you just might catch up. But it don't work like that. You just gotta watch them fly. Stand there on the side line. Wanna swallow up your pride. Know it's gonna be alright. Wishing when I close your eyes with a kiss goodbye. Well the hardest part- yeah it hurts so bad- is when she spreads her wings, but it'd be a selfish thing to try and hold her back, but it don't work like that. You just gotta watch them fly. Stand there on the side line. Wanna swallow up your pride. Know it's gonna be alright. Wishing when I close your eyes like a kiss goodbye. When you lose something, it's all that you want back. You just gotta watch them fly. Stand there on the side lines. Wanna swallow up your pride, know it's gonna be alright, wishing i could close your eyes, with a kiss goodbye. Like a kiss goodbye."
This song has been on my mind lately. You know that quote that "if you love someone then let them go. If they return then you know it was meant to be, if they don't, then you know they were never yours to begin with." I've been thinking about that quote a lot lately, as well. "When you lose someone, the first thing that goes through your head, is if you run fast enough, you just might catch up. But it don't work like that." Does love ever end? Love for a specific someone? I don't think it does. Once you love someone, they are always in your heart. But what happens when you get to a place with that person where neither of you can talk to each other because of all that hurt that has passed between you both to one other? What happens then?
You don't want to let go because you love that person so much and you don't ever want them to think otherwise... and if you let go, they might think that you no longer love them. But, you also know that your loving them... is potentially hurting them now because of where you both are "now"... and you wonder how you ever got "here" and if it's possible to ever get back to "there". I don't think "back to there" is ever attainable, but the new "there" has got to be better than "here" and the old "there" because it means that you've worked through the difficult... and how amazing would that be, to be with someone that you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you can overcome anything with? And you believe it's possible, but you don't know if they do anymore and... that's your fault. And it is your fault, you are aren't just saying that, and you understand that now.
What is the best thing to do? You don't want to hurt them by holding on and forcing yourself in their lives, but you can't imagine letting them go. What do you do? These are questions that plague a birth mother's mind throughout her entire pregnancy... and I'm realizing that these questions will always be a part of my life... only this time they pertain to someone different, not Baby Boy. I love Baby Boy; I always will, but I know that he is happy and adjusted and in the best hands possible. These questions pertain to another. I love him. I always have loved him. I'm talking about Mango, folks. He's been a huge part of my life. I'm not going to go into details, but he and I don't talk anymore... and I miss him every day... every moment of every day, I miss him. I've tried to think of ways to convey what he means to me, but there literally is no way to do the feelings any justice. He's my "person". He's the part of me I've longed to find all of my life. He's my other penguin half... most penguins mate for life, in case you are wondering what penguins have to do with this post. He's my other penguin half and we aren't talking and... it's... I don't know what to do. I guess that's what this post is about. I don't even know if he's reading this right now.
I think that people try to understand single adults. I think that people have a genuine interest to understand single adults, but I don't think that they know how to talk to them effectively. All those things they say, "be the person you want to find", "just stop looking for love and then it will find you, out of the blue, you'll find someone," "just be your self..." as if I'm trying to be someone else other than who I am. These statements are not effective to say to a single adult when that person has found the person they want to spend all of eternity with, only things are so complicated between them that neither of them even know how to talk to each other anymore... but one of them, maybe both of them still love each other deeply. What is this post about? I have no idea. This is just me... expressing what's been on my mind lately. Love is complicated. It's much more complicated when you are a birth mother and the previous attempt with your future someone ended so painfully in the realization that "he" wasn't who you thought he was and you are now pregnant and you can't... you aren't one of those women who will single parent, so you place your child with someone else. The aftermath of adoption for a birth mother is riddled with learning how to open yourself up again and trusting someone completely again... but not just anyone like you did before... but someone who will cherish the sacredness of you and your history and your child that you don't parent. It's really hard to find that person. I found him and there are a number of excuses I could use to say why he got away, I could place false blame where it isn't deserved... but what it all comes down to is that he was chased away. That's the truth. I chased him away. So much regret...
This place that I'm in now was built by me. This place of distrust... it's of my own creation. Yes, rotten things have happened to me, but my decision to not move forward built this "home". I know the type of man I let get away... not just get away, I know the quality of human being that I chased away. And that's where I'm at. What happens now? Well, I'll tell you, not a second goes by where I don't have a prayer in my heart that I can somehow fix all the hurt I've done because he loved me too; he loved me deeply and I hurt him by my behavior and actions. So, I pray- every second of the day- I have a prayer in my heart that this can be fixed. I lay in my bed at night and I pray even harder. I wake up in the morning and my heart is breathing a prayer as I brush my teeth that... this, all of this, me, me and him, now, my future... that it can all be fixed. I could move on and look for someone else, but why would I? Why would I settle for second-best when I know the absolute "best" that already exists... and from my perspective... there isn't even any "second-bests" around. Why would I look elsewhere when I know that my dream already exists in a man that I love deeply and he, at one point, loved me... and still might except we don't talk, so I don't know anymore..? It seems silly to look elsewhere. And so, that's where I'm at. I don't even know if this post has a solid stream of connecting thoughts, or if it is all as jumbled as everything I feel in my soul right now.
How do you let someone go when you can't imagine a future without them in it? This is where I am right now. Lots of questions and no way to answer them because they just "are".
Friday, March 9, 2012
Words So Sacred
That's what this picture reminds me of.
Monday, March 5, 2012
The Act of Meditation
I wanted to take a minute to talk to you all about meditation. I know it all sounds horribly froo-froo, but for me it has been illuminating. I used to think that the mind had to be completely quiet while you meditate and that the positive energy came from a quiet mind. That's a very common misunderstanding regarding mediation. The thoughts that you have when you meditate are very important and what you should focus on. I also used to think that when you meditate, that you need to pull a Ram Bahadur Bomjon and meditate for months on end. For those of you who don't know who he is, it's okay, because I didn't know who he was either. He is nicknamed Buddha Boy because his followers believe him to be the reincarnate of Buddha himself, because his story and his devotion to meditating for months on end remind his believers of a legend about a Buddhist enlightenment... apparently from the man on whose teachings Buddhism was founded upon. ANYWAY...
Sorry about that derailed train of thought. The point I was going to make is that you don't have to meditate for hours on end or- Heaven help you- months on end, in order for it to have a profound effect in your life. All it takes is 5 minutes, as often as you feel it is necessary. I think it would be beneficial to do this every day, but I haven't gotten to that point yet. At this point, I do it when I feel the most disconnected. And that was the end of last week after my mid-terms... which were horrifying.
My first class starts at 4:00 p.m. and my last class gets over at 8:45 p.m. After which I've started going to the gym because I feel like my nerves are so... tightly wound lately. So, I went to the gym and I hadn't been to the gym in months. I wasn't looking forward to it because I felt like it is one more "have to do" on my growing lists of musts. My workout was amazing and I felt like it was a time-out for me. I wasn't expecting this change of feelings towards the workout, but it was wonderful. I left the gym feeling decompressed and fantastically calm.
I got home that night and my room was a disaster... Hurricane Mid-term blew through the 2 previous weeks the outcome was claustrophobically disasterous. Clothes were strewn all over, I had shirts hanging from closet doors, out of drawers, and books stacked in disaray all over the place. It was not a zen place to be and I began to feel stress creeping back in to me. It was then that I decided to meditate, only there wasn't a place on the floor to do so. My bathroom was the only semi-clean place, and my jetted tub was the only fully clean place because I had just cleaned it the night before. So, I dimmed my lights and I climbed in my tub and I drew the shower curtains shut and I meditated.
I wanted to share the simple process I use to meditate because this blog post is all about promoting meditation. I sat in a comfortable position with my legs crossed and my arms relaxed and my spine comfortably erect and straight. I took some deep breaths and slowly let them out and once I felt calm and quiet, I thought of someone that I love and as I focused on this person and my love for him and I had that good feeling coursing through me I asked myself (through thought) What is it you want? Throughout the process you want to focus on breathing in and out, slowly and deeply. This is when you focus on your thoughts and you process through them. This part can take as long as you need it to, there is no time limit. Mine went like this:
-Relaxed but erect seated position
-Begin deep and slow breathing.
-Think of a person that you love.
-Continue deep and slow breathing throughout meditation.
-(Active thought): What is it I want?
-(Involuntary thought response): I want to be happy and positive. I want to feel alive.
-(Involuntary thought): Everything is found in love.
-(Active thought): Love can't be the only answer. I know that everything is found in love, but that alone doesn't make sense to me. Help me understand this.
-(Involuntary thought response): The other part is acceptance.
-(Active thought): What are the connections between love and acceptance?
-(Involuntary thought response): You will find love when you accept what you cannot change. When you accept that it is okay to not have control; there is love in the lack of control.
-(Active thought): I still don't understand.
-(Involuntary thought response): There is love to be found in your acceptance for your frailties and imperfections, acceptance for your shortcomings and desire to improve them, acceptance for the difficult, acceptance for what you can't control and in all of this to continue to love and not be angry. (Interrupted Active thought: I need to grab a pen to write this down, I don't want to forget it). (Interrupted Involuntary thought response: You will remember it just fine, you will remember what you need to remember).
-(Active thought): What else do I need to do?
-(Involuntary thought response): Love God for what He deals you, love the trial and how it strengthens you, love yourself for your struggle because nothing that is worthy of this life comes without pain. Love the pain. Love the tears because to cry is not weak. Love the hurt that others deal to you and love those that hurt you because they don't know any better... yet. Love the lessons that come from all of this because that's what you came here for, the lessons you learn here are things you couldn't learn there, where you were before... the lessons here are the point of this existence, as is love. Be grateful for the process because this is the only time ever that you'll experience it in this way. Love yourself, truly love yourself.
-Quiet.
-Relax in your body and then open your eyes when you are ready.
-You are done.
All of this took, maybe 5 minutes. And when I was done, I don't think I need to mention that tears were streaming down my face because they were. I felt like I finally understood something that had been at the core of my distress for months... even years, but that I didn't know how to "fix" or make better; and this hurt hurt others and I FINALLY understood it and knew what I needed to know and do. It was a wonderful experience and one I've been thinking back on since it happened.
We can have profound experiences and they don't have to be built on perfection or ideal circumstances; they can happen in a darkened bathroom, while sitting in your bathtub in your sweaty gym clothes. Meditation does not have to last hours, and it does not require a silent mind- thoughts are important to the process- and it does not have to be experienced in a zen garden. You can meditate in your closet and still learn what you need to know. I encourage you to try meditation for yourselves; you never know the enlightenment that may come from it. Let me know how it goes.
I wanted to share the simple process I use to meditate because this blog post is all about promoting meditation. I sat in a comfortable position with my legs crossed and my arms relaxed and my spine comfortably erect and straight. I took some deep breaths and slowly let them out and once I felt calm and quiet, I thought of someone that I love and as I focused on this person and my love for him and I had that good feeling coursing through me I asked myself (through thought) What is it you want? Throughout the process you want to focus on breathing in and out, slowly and deeply. This is when you focus on your thoughts and you process through them. This part can take as long as you need it to, there is no time limit. Mine went like this:
-Relaxed but erect seated position
-Begin deep and slow breathing.
-Think of a person that you love.
-Continue deep and slow breathing throughout meditation.
-(Active thought): What is it I want?
-(Involuntary thought response): I want to be happy and positive. I want to feel alive.
-(Involuntary thought): Everything is found in love.
-(Active thought): Love can't be the only answer. I know that everything is found in love, but that alone doesn't make sense to me. Help me understand this.
-(Involuntary thought response): The other part is acceptance.
-(Active thought): What are the connections between love and acceptance?
-(Involuntary thought response): You will find love when you accept what you cannot change. When you accept that it is okay to not have control; there is love in the lack of control.
-(Active thought): I still don't understand.
-(Involuntary thought response): There is love to be found in your acceptance for your frailties and imperfections, acceptance for your shortcomings and desire to improve them, acceptance for the difficult, acceptance for what you can't control and in all of this to continue to love and not be angry. (Interrupted Active thought: I need to grab a pen to write this down, I don't want to forget it). (Interrupted Involuntary thought response: You will remember it just fine, you will remember what you need to remember).
-(Active thought): What else do I need to do?
-(Involuntary thought response): Love God for what He deals you, love the trial and how it strengthens you, love yourself for your struggle because nothing that is worthy of this life comes without pain. Love the pain. Love the tears because to cry is not weak. Love the hurt that others deal to you and love those that hurt you because they don't know any better... yet. Love the lessons that come from all of this because that's what you came here for, the lessons you learn here are things you couldn't learn there, where you were before... the lessons here are the point of this existence, as is love. Be grateful for the process because this is the only time ever that you'll experience it in this way. Love yourself, truly love yourself.
-Quiet.
-Relax in your body and then open your eyes when you are ready.
-You are done.
All of this took, maybe 5 minutes. And when I was done, I don't think I need to mention that tears were streaming down my face because they were. I felt like I finally understood something that had been at the core of my distress for months... even years, but that I didn't know how to "fix" or make better; and this hurt hurt others and I FINALLY understood it and knew what I needed to know and do. It was a wonderful experience and one I've been thinking back on since it happened.
We can have profound experiences and they don't have to be built on perfection or ideal circumstances; they can happen in a darkened bathroom, while sitting in your bathtub in your sweaty gym clothes. Meditation does not have to last hours, and it does not require a silent mind- thoughts are important to the process- and it does not have to be experienced in a zen garden. You can meditate in your closet and still learn what you need to know. I encourage you to try meditation for yourselves; you never know the enlightenment that may come from it. Let me know how it goes.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Hopeful Adoptive Family: Galbraith Family Spotlight
How did you meet your spouse? How long did you both date before you decided to get married? How long have you been married?
Troy and I met at a summer dance. He had just graduated from high school and I was heading into my senior year. We hit it off right away and started dating. We dated for a year. I graduated from high school and went off to college. Troy went to Africa and served a two year mission for our church. We wrote letters for those two years. After Troy returned home in September, we started dating again, we were engaged in December and married the following May. We have been happily married for almost twelve years now!
What was the first thing you really came to appreciate about your spouse and why was that quality/characteristic important to you [if the ladies of the couple are answering this, then grab your husband's and have them answer it for you as well ;) ]?
Rachel on Troy: Troy was quiet and kind. He just wanted me to be happy and that was all that mattered to him. I loved that if I was upset about something he would just hold me and tell me everything would be okay- he never offered advice on how to “fix” it and I appreciated that. Troy on Rachel: She was outgoing and fun. She was always nice to everybody and everybody liked her. She has a way of making people feel comfortable right away.
Do you have any current family traditions that you celebrate as a family? If so, how did these traditions begin?
We have so many traditions: we get together with Troy’s family for almost every holiday. The family loves to dance and so we set up the Wii on a projector and everybody dances to the Just Dance game or the Michael Jackson game. Everybody dances- the grandparents, the aunts and uncles, and all the kids. It is so fun!
If you currently have children, how many children do you have right? Are they biological? Are they adopted?
We have four biological children. Our oldest two are girls, and our youngest two are boys. We always wanted a large family and had to stop after four for some medical reasons, but we are excited to continue growing our family through the miracle of adoption!
If not already explained, how did you come to the decision to adopt?
I have always planned on adopting, ever since I was a little girl. Troy and I discussed it while we were dating and both agreed that it was something we felt drawn to. Then we began having our biological children and the idea of adoption was put on hold. After our fourth child was born, there were complications and the doctors had to tie my tubes. Another pregnancy could be life-threatening. While we sat in the hospital with our new baby son, we started talking about adoption. We had always known it would be part of our lives, and we were excited that the opportunity had just presented itself!
How has your experience in the world of adoption mirrored or changed your expectation of adoption?
I have always seen adoption as a miracle, but since we have taken the leap for ourselves, I have come to realize how really miraculous it is. I have done my best to see adoption from the perspective of a birth-mother. To see how truly self-less a birth-mother has to be, humbles me to tears. I respect those women so much.
How do you define open adoption? What is open adoption to you?
We believe that a child should know his/her biological parents. It is important in establishing his/her place in the world and in our family. Open adoption to us means that we would get to know the child’s birth-mother and hopefully become friends (well, more like family.) We feel like we would be gaining two members of our family- the baby and the birth-mother. Of course we would only be as open as the birth-mother is comfortable with, but we hope that would include pictures, phone calls, visits, etc.
What would your ideal relationship with "your" birth-mother be, pre-placement? (Would you like to attend Dr. appointments with her, have her to Sunday dinners, get together on a monthly basis for a movie, & etc? How involved would you, ideally, like to be involved, & etc.)
Our ideal relationship pre-placement would be to meet up for lunches, attend doctor’s appointments with her, talk on the phone, and be open about the entire process. We would like our kids to be comfortable around her, and vice-versa since she will be a big part of our lives from here on out.
If you have yet to adopt, how do you anticipate building a relationship with the birth-mother? How important do you perceive the relationship between you and birth-mother to be throughout the entire process that is adoption (pre-placement, placement, post-placement)?
We anticipate building a relationship with the birth-mother with lots of talking and visiting. We want her to know us and to feel comfortable about her decision to place her baby with our family. She is making the biggest sacrifice anyone could ever make and we want her to know, without a doubt, that she is placing her baby with a family that she feels good about.
For any young woman considering placing her child for adoption, and who is reading this right now, what do you want to say to her?
We would like her to know that we pray for her every single day. We know that the decision to place is not an easy one and we respect her for considering all her options. We want her to know that the future is bright.
Do you have a blog that you would like to share with those reading this today? If so, what is the address of your blog?
www.ourcircleisntcomplete.blogspot.com
Troy and I met at a summer dance. He had just graduated from high school and I was heading into my senior year. We hit it off right away and started dating. We dated for a year. I graduated from high school and went off to college. Troy went to Africa and served a two year mission for our church. We wrote letters for those two years. After Troy returned home in September, we started dating again, we were engaged in December and married the following May. We have been happily married for almost twelve years now!
What was the first thing you really came to appreciate about your spouse and why was that quality/characteristic important to you [if the ladies of the couple are answering this, then grab your husband's and have them answer it for you as well ;) ]?
Rachel on Troy: Troy was quiet and kind. He just wanted me to be happy and that was all that mattered to him. I loved that if I was upset about something he would just hold me and tell me everything would be okay- he never offered advice on how to “fix” it and I appreciated that. Troy on Rachel: She was outgoing and fun. She was always nice to everybody and everybody liked her. She has a way of making people feel comfortable right away.
Do you have any current family traditions that you celebrate as a family? If so, how did these traditions begin?
We have so many traditions: we get together with Troy’s family for almost every holiday. The family loves to dance and so we set up the Wii on a projector and everybody dances to the Just Dance game or the Michael Jackson game. Everybody dances- the grandparents, the aunts and uncles, and all the kids. It is so fun!
If you currently have children, how many children do you have right? Are they biological? Are they adopted?
We have four biological children. Our oldest two are girls, and our youngest two are boys. We always wanted a large family and had to stop after four for some medical reasons, but we are excited to continue growing our family through the miracle of adoption!
If not already explained, how did you come to the decision to adopt?
I have always planned on adopting, ever since I was a little girl. Troy and I discussed it while we were dating and both agreed that it was something we felt drawn to. Then we began having our biological children and the idea of adoption was put on hold. After our fourth child was born, there were complications and the doctors had to tie my tubes. Another pregnancy could be life-threatening. While we sat in the hospital with our new baby son, we started talking about adoption. We had always known it would be part of our lives, and we were excited that the opportunity had just presented itself!
How has your experience in the world of adoption mirrored or changed your expectation of adoption?
I have always seen adoption as a miracle, but since we have taken the leap for ourselves, I have come to realize how really miraculous it is. I have done my best to see adoption from the perspective of a birth-mother. To see how truly self-less a birth-mother has to be, humbles me to tears. I respect those women so much.
How do you define open adoption? What is open adoption to you?
We believe that a child should know his/her biological parents. It is important in establishing his/her place in the world and in our family. Open adoption to us means that we would get to know the child’s birth-mother and hopefully become friends (well, more like family.) We feel like we would be gaining two members of our family- the baby and the birth-mother. Of course we would only be as open as the birth-mother is comfortable with, but we hope that would include pictures, phone calls, visits, etc.
What would your ideal relationship with "your" birth-mother be, pre-placement? (Would you like to attend Dr. appointments with her, have her to Sunday dinners, get together on a monthly basis for a movie, & etc? How involved would you, ideally, like to be involved, & etc.)
Our ideal relationship pre-placement would be to meet up for lunches, attend doctor’s appointments with her, talk on the phone, and be open about the entire process. We would like our kids to be comfortable around her, and vice-versa since she will be a big part of our lives from here on out.
If you have yet to adopt, how do you anticipate building a relationship with the birth-mother? How important do you perceive the relationship between you and birth-mother to be throughout the entire process that is adoption (pre-placement, placement, post-placement)?
We anticipate building a relationship with the birth-mother with lots of talking and visiting. We want her to know us and to feel comfortable about her decision to place her baby with our family. She is making the biggest sacrifice anyone could ever make and we want her to know, without a doubt, that she is placing her baby with a family that she feels good about.
For any young woman considering placing her child for adoption, and who is reading this right now, what do you want to say to her?
We would like her to know that we pray for her every single day. We know that the decision to place is not an easy one and we respect her for considering all her options. We want her to know that the future is bright.
Do you have a blog that you would like to share with those reading this today? If so, what is the address of your blog?
www.ourcircleisntcomplete.blogspot.com
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