Change Begins with the Individual

Shane Koyczan is a Canadian Spoken Work Poet.  I came across him on the TED awards for being chosen to be awarded the TED prize which is given to a person who boldly and creatively inspires and actively seeks global change.  Shane Koyczan speaks out about school bullying.

I've been in this funk for a little while now.  And I've wanted to write about it, but I haven't known how to write about.  Watching Shane Koyczan speak and perform his poem "To This Day" and the way he effortlessly mingled it directly into his speech so that you didn't know where his speech ended and his poem began... was truly impactful to me.  His poem spoke to me.  It's like he looked into my mind and wrote down what he saw, and that ability to connect your words to people you've never met and most likely never will meet, is truly a profound gift.

I was bullied as a pre-teen.  My bullying started before my pre-teen years.  I started being bullied as young as 6 years old, and the offender was my first grade teacher who was Baptist and felt it necessary to take out her hate of Mormonism on an innocent child, therefore setting the tone for how other students treated me.  By the time I was in the 5th grade, I was already very cautious on how I interacted with others.  I would imagine that a lot of my fellow classmates would have seen me differently (not cautious), but that's because every day I made an effort... a conscious effort to socialize with others.  And it was hard.  By the end of my 5th grade year, I had consistent bullies.  They were kids older than me and we weren't in the same school, but we lived in the same community, and we rode the same bus.  Riding the bus was a war zone for me.  Every day, if they felt like I looked at them wrong, I would be surrounded and ridiculed ruthlessly.  And they always felt like I looked at them wrong because as they told me, I "looked wrong".  They surrounded me and they called me fat and a heifer (I was neither of these things, I was a healthy 10 year old who was taller for her age than other 10 year olds).  They pulled me hair and shoved me between them, there were 4 of them on a consistent basis, and on occasion  a couple more would join in on the "fun".  They made up a rhyme about me.  It was something to the effect of being so ugly that they would try to remove my mask only to find out that it was my face.  It was at the part of "removing my mask" that they would pull my hair and touch my face roughly... not hitting, not scratching, but completely invading my personal space and grabbing my chin forcefully.  When they wouldn't be able to remove my mask then they would howl out with laughter and tell me that my favorite holiday must be Halloween because then I could walk freely out in the open in my hideousness and not look out of place and not scare others with how ugly I was.  I would get off the bus and I would take my time getting home (1 block away) and I would cry and then wait until the traces of my tears were gone and then I would go home.  The bus driver never stepped in.  By the time I was 13, I was angry and inwardly aggressive.  I became Gothic and stuck out even worse.  My best friend was considered a "problem kid" and had his own reputation.  But, in our friendship, we were safe with each other.  He was the most compassionate person I've ever known.  His bullying never stopped, really.  And when he was 17 years old, he committed suicide because... I don't know why, but I know part of it was that he was never treated "normally" by his peers.  There were other components to his choice to die, but being ostracized by his peers for being different was a very hard thing for him.  I know this, because he would open up to me about it, and I to him.  My bullying never stopped until the end of my Junior year when my bullies graduated high school.  No matter how "normal" I tried to make myself, these emotional terrorists never let up.  And it's impacted me to this day.

This poem hits home.  The feelings of worthlessness and being undeserving because you aren't "normal", or you stick out for some reason that other's don't... they follow you for the rest of your life.  And while the bullies go through their life bullying other's to get what they want, or maybe they grow up and stop bullying, and settle down to have a family and work at their job that pays the bills... they don't think a second about second guessing themselves, because no one ever second guessed them.  But to the one who was bullied, self doubt becomes a way of life.  That doesn't mean self doubt has to be your life, because there is life after bullying, it's something that you have to fight for though.  Becoming an adult is difficult enough already, add into the mix learning to trust yourself and love yourself and respect yourself after a major portion of your life being told you aren't good enough or "enough", period... makes it that much more difficult.

The point of this post is not to be depressing.  I'm choosing to speak out about my experiences being bullied because bullying is not a matter of kids "just being kids", it goes so far beyond that.  The same rationalization could be applied to war and dictators, "Oh, the war on terrorism is just politicians being politicians... politicians can be mean."  Bullying is an emotional war and it takes place every day in every school across the world.  And teachers stand by and watch.  Administrators don't dare get involved because there is so much fear involved in correcting the behavior of a child whom is not your own.  And other children standing by watching don't dare say anything because if they do, then they are next.  Where is the protection?  Kids who are bullied are the most loving and generous of their classmates.  I'm not saying that in honor of myself.  I'm saying that in honor of the people I know who have been bullied.  Their hearts are kind and compassionate and delicate and that should be protected, not betrayed.

If we, as adults, expect change to happen in schools then we need to set the example to those who look to us as an example.  And we need to be actively involved in pursuing a positive change where it's needed.  If you witness something that is "wrong" in your book, you need to react against it, not in an antagonistic way, but you need to respond in a way that will promote and encourage something better.  We need to let people know when we appreciate them, especially teenagers, because they have it freaking rough.  There is so much out there about what is "wrong" with teenagers and what they can do to be "better" or "worthy" of attention, and it's all coming from the media and from authoritative figures in their lives that only see them a mere portion of their lives.  Some teenagers have rough home lives.  They need encouragement.  They need to know that they are "good" and that they are important and respected and appreciated.  The social structure that a child and teenager are submitted to on a daily basis is a huge component on their behavioral "makeup" as an adult.  If we want a "better" tomorrow then we need to start nurturing those that will be leaders of tomorrow.  It sounds hokey in a "glass-perpetually-half-full" kind of way, but whatever you want to call it, it's idealistic, but it is still possible.  Change begins with the individual and leads to those impacted by the individual.  Change is always possible.