Thursday, July 29, 2010

Every Day is the Same so Why Do We Expect a Different Outcome?

Have you ever been so exhausted that your soul has no words left to speak? As if that makes any sense at all. The only way I can explain it would be... the complete inability to converse with anyone outside of basic, shallow, and meaningless dialogue. In the last 4 days, I've worked 46 hours and I worked over the weekend as well. My boss is giving me more cases at work and I keep taking them because I am looking for every excuse I can find to not have to go home at night because there is nothing to go home to. Come the end of the day... I am so spent that I'm not even capable of... forming words into sentences that carry any weight or importance. I drive to work every morning looking forward to pissing off the clients involved in the cases that I handle because the one thing I am capable of speaking is anger and hurt and so I fight with them and let them know how bad they are screwing up their children's lives for their own selfish vindictive behavior at getting back at one another. I should be careful, otherwise I might lose my job... nah, my boss would never get rid of me, I'm underpaid and overworked... it's a good deal for her.

I am surrounded by divorce every day. Hour after hour I listen to husbands and wives argue about who gets the ice-scraper, or... the blender, but none of them seem to be too concerned over whether or not their 5 year old who is desperately acting out to get their attention and who is being used as collateral in the divorce should get counseling. No... they ignore their angelic 5 year old who is waiting out in the lobby with me listening to her parent's argue over the ice-scraper. And we- me and her- listen to music and color and she talks to me about the two of us turning into unicorns at night and flying away together so that we can be a family and then she tells me, "I wish you were my mother because you laugh at my jokes. You laugh and if you were my mother, we would be happy." And I want to scoop her up into my arms and run away with her and take care of her and protect her against her own parents who are now being restrained by their attorney's from attacking one another. I know what you're thinking, I'm making this all up. But the thing is that I'm not making up any of this. This is what I am surrounded by... all day for 5 days a week, only this last weekend I took a bunch of binders home so that I could research the therapeutic goals of another child in one of my cases and whether or not her parent's are even taking her to therapy. It's disgusting... because they aren't and she is suffering.

And, I think I'm done with it all. The risk, that is. I'm beginning to think that happiness in marriage is all based on luck. Either you find that person that you... like, the two of you work together so well that the teamwork of the marriage occurs naturally- not effortlessly- but naturally enough to where the disagreements... aren't the focus, but the thing that makes your marriage stronger because in the eternal picture, they are just disagreements and can be worked through. If that makes any sense. But how often does that really happen? I want that to happen and I thought that it was and then something happened that I don't even know where to start explaining because it hit me out of nowhere and I'm... I'm defeated. And... my soul is at a loss for words. I don't want to feel this way ever again. I apologize now, perhaps a little too late, but this post... it's going to be effing depressing, but I have to get these... I have to get this out.

I have lost too many people in my life to risk opening up anymore. And I give up. It's not just a matter of losing people either. Losing loved ones is a tragedy, but what you never expect is the piece of yourself you lose along with that loved one... you never see that coming, no matter how often it happens. Before you know it, there isn't anything left of you to lose... you're just a shell. What happens when that shell breaks? That's what scares me the most. I don't know that answer and I don't want to find out what that answer is, but I feel it's close and so I choose to no longer open up. And, please... please don't offer me words of encouragement or words of wisdom because I'm not looking for that. I just... I need to protect myself. I don't trust too many people, but I want to, but... I keep learning over and over again that more often than not... people don't deserve your trust... they don't know how delicate it is and they... don't know how delicate a thing trust is and so I'm done. I'm done offering my trust, hoping it won't be shattered... just to have it trampled on and I think this is a good thing. I've thought about it a lot and I will be fine alone. I'll be fine alone. I think it's safer that way.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Blue by Leigh Nash




Everything is green.
Everyone is blue,
And me too.
Be careful for what you dream
'Cos my dream was you
And you came true.
I tried to know you,
But to know you is to be blue.
And I'm blue.
And I'm blue.
I'll say goodbye to me.
I'll say goodbye to you
'Cos I can't move.
The world won't bend you know.
For you to see the love
Is worth all the trouble.
I tried to know you.
But to know you is to be blue
And I'm blue.
And I'm blue.
There is a dream that I can't fit in.
There is a dream that I can't fit in.
A lead that I can't fill-
All of my hopes have been diminished-
You're not having it and
I'm trying to give.
I tried to know you.
But to know you is to be blue.
I said goodbye
But I'm still in love with you.
And I'm blue.
And I'm blue.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The Emerald City

When I was a child my favorite movie was The Wizard of Oz. I remember being five years old and telling my mom that she was wrong when she named me my name because I was supposed to be named Dorothy and I remember pleading with her to change my name and she always told me the same thing, "Other Mother, when you are older, if you feel the same way then you can change your name."

I remember an incident at a shoe store with my mom when I was the tender age of six. I had my heart set on this pair of red high heels but my mom refused to buy them for me. They were beautiful and I wanted them... no, it was more of a need. I needed these red heels. My mom would not budge and I had a total melt down. I used to be jealous of people who were born in the month of May - for the longest time I was jealous of people born in the month of May because their gem stone is the emerald. If you couldn't tell by now, I've had an unhealthy fascination with Dorothy and her adventure(s) in the Land of Oz for quite some time.

I lived in Missouri for three years of my childhood and I loved it out there because it was so green. Humid, but so very green. I felt as though that was the closest to the Emerald City that I would ever get because I was surrounded by green and, as sickly fascinated by the World of Oz as I was, I was no dumby- I knew there was no such place made entirely of emerald, but all the same I still deeply wished there was. There were so many trees around where we lived and they were huge adult trees... in fact, I remember calling them Grandpa trees because they were bigger than adult trees and I loved to climb them. My family is Mormon and during the time we lived in Missouri... how should I put this? Mormons and Baptists, for whatever reason, do not get along and we were surrounded by Baptists. My first grade teacher was Baptist and she hated me... and I'm not exaggerating when I say this. She always made degrading comments towards me. She would say things like, "Disgraceful child! No wonder you're wild, you filthy Mormon." And she often times called me the Heathen Mormon from Utah in front of the entire class and would make me stand in the corner as she taught the class about the rebel Mormons that settled the heathen state of Utah and how I must be punished and humiliated because I don't believe in Christ.

I wish I was making this up, but I'm not. It's horrifying to know that people really do hate in the name of religion, but it exists and I've experienced it first hand. I was hardly ever allowed to play at recess because I could never do right by Mrs. Allenbaugh (and just so you know, I haven't given her a different name to protect her identity). No matter how perfect I would write out my letters or read from the beginner books in class (I was at top of my class for reading), she would always find something wrong, which meant I usually went without recess. Furthermore, she was always punishing me to the extent that I often stayed after school to clean toilets with the janitor. He was a really great guy.

When I would get home from school, I would go out and play with my friends. All of our play occurred out side. Basketball, Hide-and-Seek, Cops and Robbers, Sardines- anything and everything- but my favorite activity was when we would climb trees and imagine worlds that were above the ground. We would be up in the trees for hours... those of us who were stallworts that is. Oftentimes, I would be the last one left in the tree and I still wouldn't come down for a while. The trees were safety because I was hidden. From where I sat, I could see everything and still remain unseen... and everything was green. Have you ever stared at leaves in the trees? Have you ever laid on your back on the ground and stared at individual leaves in the trees? When the sun shines through them, they glow like emeralds in the light. If I had been given the option to live in a tree as a child, I would have taken it in a heart beat. I would lay back on a thick branch and dream of being in Oz... or Wonderland... but most days, it was Oz and I was in the Emerald City and I was Dorothy and no one hated me, instead they loved me because they knew that I was going to make things better. I love trees.

You are probably wondering, "What is Other Mother thinking?" What I'm thinking is that I should have spent more time in the trees when I was a child. I've been thinking about this for days now. I've been experiencing some... I've been under a lot of... I've been rather stressed lately and it is taking all I have to not run away. The scary thing about that last sentance is that it's true... it's taken all I have to not run away. I just found out about a serious illness of a dear friend of mine who is my age, my job is destroying my soul, my boss won't give me a raise and is giving me even more work every day, I want to get back into school but can't afford it, my boss won't allow me to take any vacation time because as she says, "I need you here every day babe, sick or not." I have to find a new place to live in about 2.5 weeks, otherwise I am homeless. I'm working 10-11 hour days with no breaks and no lunches, my only break being a bathroom break in the late afternoon that I milk for all it's worth as I stand- yes stand- in a bathroom stall facing the corner and zoning out for 10 minutes. And to top everything off, I said some things to some people that I care about that were horrible and... completely unecessary. I'm worn out and exhausted and just broke up with the greatest man I have ever known because... I broke under all the pressure and I took it out on him. The worse thing, though, is that I did this to him at a time in his life when he needed me the most.

All I've been able to think about is how badly I wish I would have spent more time in trees as a child. I've thought long and hard about this for about a week now, as well as played over every second in my brain how badly I hurt the man I love most and hoped to spend the rest of my life with... and the one thing that makes any sense at all to me is that trees are meant to be climbed. I should have spent more time in the trees as a child.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

[Untitled]

Love is safest
When it's kept
In the dark-
Hidden and unannounced,
Like half a thought
Lodged in your chest that
Bursts from your lips
Drenched in immediate
Regret.
When Love dies, it's
Hard to cry because that means
You have to
Feel. Numbness is
Holiness when Love's
Bliss no longer
Exists, which is why
I pray for Cold to
Take hold of my fire-
I wish for
Cold to snuff out my spark
And freeze my heart-
Let my heart's love
Bleed out and
Leave my soul without
Breath.
The sting of
Emptiness is better than the
Memory of broken chance and
Promises held at a distance.
Ignore me
And with your silence
Belittle my existence.
It's hard to exist in
Half-light and, darling,
We were bright, but
We were shadowed by a
Deception that
Stole us from Heaven-
We couldn't heal.
My love for you was real.
I no longer wish to
Feel.

Copyright Other Mother

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

I have had so much on my mind lately it's... overwhelming. Have you ever felt stuck? Of course you have, we all have. What a silly question. But, you know, it's not that I feel stuck. I don't feel stuck. I'm not drowning. For the first time in a really long time, I don't feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water... and I don't feel like the world is crashing down or caving in on me... I don't feel like there isn't enough air to suck in at an anxious rate. I feel... not a whole lot. I feel... what do I feel? Bored? No. What is it? I feel stagnant.

You know when you are outside and the summer sun is beating down on you and you love the warmth of the sun, but you wish there would at least be a light breeze? And then the breeze comes and you are thankful... and you can smell lilacs which always brings comfort because even if you can't see the lilac bush, you know there's one nearby. And then far off you hear the drum of thunder and you get excited deep in your heart and for the first time in decades a butterfly is let lose in the pit of your stomach and you hope it rains- not just any rain- but an all consuming thunderstorm that can bring life and destruction all at the same moment. And so you hope for rain. And then the rain comes and it's more fierce than you expected and the wind whips your hair cruelly and you are left feeling small and insignificant and like you are going to be torn away from solid ground. And after what feels like endless ages, the storm finally passes and all is quiet and after time you return to a sense of normalcy, whatever normal is.

And then days go by, and it's hot again and you feel like you are going to melt and you notice a puddle and the puddle is a brownish-puke color and there are pieces of grass floating in it and someone's bubble-gum wrapper and then you notice the funky smell of old water and you here mosquitos buzzing around and you begin to itch and wish for a light breeze and another rain storm... only there is no breeze and no rain, just a nasty puddle that is a prime nesting pit for mosquitos and disease with garbage in it. The water in this puddle has no life, no change, no peace, no power, no awe... just stinky water and mosquitos. That's how I feel right now. Stagnant. No opportunity for growth. No opportunity for change. No healing. No... anything, only nothing.

The thought occurred to me today that I actually love my job. I love what I do for work, I do not love how I am treated by my fellow employees. Well, a couple of them are great. My boss is an amazing woman, she took me on as an employee under conditions that most prospective employers would stear clear of- equal right employment opportunity or not- I was pregnant and single and she took me on as an employee. I am eternally grateful to her for this. However, I am still looking for new employment.

I've been toying around with the idea of moving to another state to become a nanny. I have some really good friends in the state that I am considering and I am desperate for change. I've been scared of this desire to move because I keep second guessing myself thinking that the desire resides in my "need" to run away but this time I'm not running from anything. Everything feels like it is as it should be and I'm happy about this. But, I'm not growing, I'm not doing anything but working and existing. That's not enough. There was a time where existing was enough and that was right after I placed Baby Boy for adoption. That was a hard time and existing was difficult, but I existed and now existing isn't enough- now it's time to live. This makes more sense in my head, I think. I hope that I am expressing my thoughts clearly enough. I don't feel like I'm living and I want to live. I've started to make a bucket list, not of events I want to do before I die, but a bucket list for the next year. Simple things that people take for granted, but that scare the living daylights out of me. And, I'll save that for another blog, but the point I'm making is that it's time to move away from Utah for a bit and live and learn.

On Monday I will be contacting a nanny agency that places in New York and Connecticut. Ideally, I would love to find a contract that lasts only 6 months, but I would take one that lasts 9 months also. My goal is to pay my car off and other small debt and then move to California with a dear friend of mine, we'll call her Freedom because that's what it's like to be around her. And, then I'll find a job out there and look into getting back in school. This is my life and I'm going to take it as it comes, but most importantly, I'm going to love every second of it. For right now, this is what I want to do and I'm basing this on what I feel is best for me. I used to base the next event of my life on what other's around me would do for their next move and that is very difficult and stressful. I am now taking my own life into my own hands and I'm going to live and experience and learn and write... I'm going to write. I can't wait. It's going to be good.

Good night dear readers and good night Baby Boy. You are my greatest inspiration Child of my Heart, you have been my greatest adventure.

Love,

your birth mother

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Dear Sweetheart,

Dear Sweetheart,

Today you are eight months old! You are such a big boy and so handsome. Your smile gets bigger if that's even possible! Your smile reaches your perfect almond shaped eyes and when you laugh you laugh with your belly. You are ticklish everywhere and it is so funny to watch you try to resist a laugh when being tickled. Whenever I think of you I can see your smiling face in my mind and I hear your laughter and if I truly imagine hard enough, I can still feel the weight of your body in my arms as I rocked you to sleep the last time we saw each other. You are the light in this dark world and I love you with all that I am... down to my last tear. You are the child of my heart and there you will remain forever. I love you, my baby boy.

Love,

your birth mother

Monday, July 12, 2010

Dear Sweetheart,

Dear Sweetheart,

You are learning to crawl now. I can't believe how big you are getting. First you started rolling over and then you started sitting up by yourself, and now you are beginning to crawl. You also have some cute little teeth growing that are coming in. You will be 8 months old on Tuesday. I can hardly believe how big you are getting. Your smile takes my breath away and the memory of your laugh feels my soul with joy. You are my everything and you are growing so big! You will always be my baby boy. I love you for eternity child of my heart.

Love,

your birth mother

Monday, July 5, 2010

Never Trust a Bear

Today I went with my parents, my sister, and her two children to the old Wendover Airforce Base. We had lots of fun. My niece and I learned a very valuable lesson while there and that was to never trust a bear. I trust that you will very shortly understand the reason why. The following are documented photos of the incident.

Disclaimer: What you are about to witness may be considered frightening to children under the age of 25. Proceed with caution. Do not try this at home.




Brave Bear boards the plane.



Silly Bear, that's not the cock-pit...


Bear is found sleeping on the job.


Bear gets ready for lift off...


Bear having trouble with the equipment. I don't think he's going to get this plane off the ground.


Bear is nervous. This is his first flight.


Bear sneaking out the window.

Never trust a bear.