Working Class Hero

Last week was my first week back to work and it was only for part days. It went well, actually, much to my surprise. I remember how stressed I was before I delivered baby and how unsure I was becoming in my job, but I feel more capable than I ever have at this job and that makes me happy. It's nice to know, also, how much my boss appreciates me as she couldn't stop telling me how happy she was that I was back. Last week was very busy, not only with work but a lot of other stuff... stuff, interesting word choice, sorry, my brain hasn't fully recovered from work today.

There were some things that stood out to me last week. On Saturday, the 12th, I was having a very hard time sleeping. I've had a hard time sleeping lately and I don't know why that is. I used to be a deep sleeper and now I wake up at the softest sound. My friend Ryan is a paramedic and he has been an amazing support to me throughout this entire process. He was driving home from the North from working a late shift late Saturday night and I was talking with him on the phone. It was a hard weekend as the night of the 12th was the one month mark that I went to the hospital to have Baby Boy. He asked if he could stop by to see me and I said that I would love it if he did, but I doubt he would feel like it as he got closer because it was already one in the morning Sunday morning at that point. He said he would call me as he got closer. I didn't think he would so I got ready for bed. To my surprise he called me an hour later and asked how to get to my apartment because he was getting off the freeway exit. Flustered, I explained it to him and next thing I know he is knocking on my door. I let him in and we sat and talked for about 40 minutes. It was a nice conversation and it was nice to have his company. He got up to leave and I walked him to the door and he gave me a hug. Ryan gives the greatest hugs. As he was holding me, he said, "I'm glad that you are safe and doing well, it's been a hard month for you and I'm glad you are doing better." He then held on to me. It was a long, tight squeeze and it felt really good. I had been anxious and it felt like my body was breaking into pieces, but that the only thing holding me together was my skin, which felt like it was crawling beneath the surface. Everytime I though about the events at the hospital, and I was spending a lot of time thinking about the hospital that weekend, I felt like there was an ocean inside me that was drowning me from the inside, I couldn't breathe and my heart would pound, but during that hug, the ocean calmed down and my heart calmed down and I felt normal and hopeful, like I would be okay. I had a lot to think about during that hug, I was very much aware of how I felt in comparison to how I was feeling and how I was hugging him back and how thankful I was for his friendship. That night as I was going to bed, it occurred to me how much I love Ryan. He is one of my dearest friends and he has been so supportive, but more importantly, he treated me normal when my life wasn't normal. I am thankful for him and for what he represents to me. It occurred to me as I lay in bed going to sleep that I deserve to have a relationship where I feel safe, a relationship where my significant other respects me and supports me when I need it. I'm always the one taking care of the guy, bending over backwards and wearing myself out so that he is taken care of. That night, being hugged by Ryan, was the first time I've ever been taken care of and I deserve to have a relationship like that, a relationship where when I am tired of being strong and need someone to be strong for me, they will stand up to the challenge and be my strength when I have no more. I am so thankful for Ryan for teaching me this and for being an example to me of what a great man is.

On Tuesday, I met with my Bishop and I was extremely nervous because of all that I needed to discuss with him. I haven't been to church since July and even then, I only made it to the foyer where I had a panic attack and couldn't go any further, so I left. I tried going back a couple other times, but I could never seem to make it past the foyer. It's hard to be single and pregnant in a state that emphasizes "no sexual relations before marriage" and "eternal families". I had bought myself a fake wedding ring at the beginning of my pregnancy in hopes that it would distract people from my pregnant belly, the only thing was that I could never bring myself to wear it because is was a lie. I had been lying so long about how I was living my life and then I became pregnant and my secret was obvious, so, I couldn't bring myself to wear the ring. I made my appointment with my Bishop on Sunday when I went to church. I was anxiously anticipating how I would approach the topic of my pregnancy out of wedlock to my Bishop. I rehearsed it in my head, "Have you ever heard of the terms birth mother or first family?" No matter how I rehearsed it, I couldn't shake the feeling that he was going to view me as some sort of predator scoping out the scene for my next piece of meat to corrupt and destroy. I know that sounds crazy, but that's how I felt. The night before Tuesday and then again druing the car ride to the church for my meeting I was praying in my head, it wasn't even a formal prayer, more like dialogue spoken in thought to whoever was listening in on that moment, expressing my concerns for when I met with the Bishop. My meeting went well, he was very understanding and I have started the repentance process. He is supportive of me through this process. What was interesting to me was what he said before I left. I asked him if I was allowed to participate in class discussion and he said, "Yes, absolutely. The only reason we would ask you not to is if we did a Disciplinary Counsel, which we aren't going to do. And the only reason we would have a Disciplinary Counsel is if I felt you were a predator, which I don't." I know that God is aware of me, even in my imperfect state of being, my Heavenly Father is aware of me and he felt it was important to let me know that he does not think I am a predator and he voiced that to me through his humble servant, my Bishop. I am thankful to have this understanding.

Thursday night I went to a post-placement group for birth mothers and I learned a lot through the dialogue shared by others and the dialogue I shared with others. I am a strong person. I was asked to share my story as I was knew and I am a strong person. I left a relationship that had become dangerous, I then found out I was pregnant 3 weeks later, in a moment of weakness I nearly went back to that relationship, but I didn't and it was a good things because 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant my ex was attacked by 3 men and nearly killed- it scares me to think that I could have been with him when he was attacked, I then started receiving threats and so, I quit my job, moved away where I couldn't be found and I carried my child full-term and delivered him and then placed him with a family where he would be safe, away from harm in case his father ever found me, as much as I wish I could have kept him, I didn't because the thought of his life ever being placed in danger killed me on the inside. I am a strong woman and I'm not afraid anymore. The girl who used to be afraid to be alone and would find herself in horrible relationships because of her fear of being alone, the girl who was postponing her life from progressing because she was afraid to stretch herself to grow because what if she failed- that girl is gone. She died when she left her baby in the social worker's arms. The woman who was born from that girl's sorrows is here to stay and she is fearless. The old me died at the parting of my son and the new me is here to stay and I now know my potential and I now recognize my dreams and they are beautiful, I now know my purpose and it is divine. I feel alive and I owe it all to the birth of my beautiful baby boy. I am a lucky woman to have been blessed with an angel and to be given a second chance at life. I'm not going to blow it this time.

Last week was a good week full of lessons and I am grateful that I am in a place where I finally can recognize how blessed I am. I look forward to see what this week has in store for me.