It's been a really hard couple of weeks. I'm not going to go into details leading up to my awakening, but I have learned something about myself that is... frightening to recognize. It makes so much sense though and while it's difficult to realize... I feel relief. I was in therapy after I placed my son for adoption and therapy was going relatively well. I felt like I bonded well with my therapist and like I was making progress through the aftermath that comes from placing your child for adoption. Before I knew it, life became really busy and work became... completely encompassing of every aspect of my life... and therapy went on the wayside.
I think I always knew that I needed to go back, but I couldn't find the time... but even saying that isn't completely true. At one point, I couldn't find the time, but then after a while... I had time, I just didn't prioritize it anymore. I wanted to believe that everything was fine and I was the epitome of grace under fire. Well, lately my life has felt like it's been spinning out of control and I spent majority of today crying in a bathroom stall at work. I met my mother for lunch and... I wasn't myself and she caught on to the lack of me and I... spoke honestly with her. Some things came out that I had been hiding from her because I wanted her to think that everything was alright... and she started to cry. I made my mother cry. She told me, "Your dad asked me the other day how you are doing and I responded, 'I think she's lost. I think she is looking for something but she doesn't know where to find it.'"
My heart... and my soul deflated when I heard her say that to me. It's defeating to learn that the facade you've put up for the longest time was never believable in the first place. That's when I admitted to my mother that I need help. I feel like I am spinning out of control and I need help. One of the last things that I learned while in therapy was that I suffer from abandonment issues. In fact, I've been researching it lately and I think that that diagnosis could be the root of everything else... my anxiety, my separation issues, and even my inability to concentrate when stressed and scared... and I'm scared a lot.
I went to birth mothers group tonight for the first time in over a year and... I sat away from everyone else. The caseworkers facilitating the group recognized me from before and they kept calling on me to give my perspective and experience and it was hard and I didn't want to share my story, but I did and it was honest. It was honest. And it left me feeling... at rock bottom but completely at peace. I might regret this post tomorrow morning. You may think that the things that I've written before were completely raw and honest, but this is as honest as it gets.
I need therapy and I'm going to get it. I need to address some serious issues if I can ever hope to have a healthy relationship. So, this is that start of something knew and now that we've got that awkwardness out of the way, allow me to make it more awkward by introducing who I really am and what unresolved abandonment is to me.
My nickname is Kiki and I am 26 years old. I placed my son for adoption a year and a half ago and I suffer from unresolved abandonment issues. Every second of every day I am insecure in myself. I self medicate these insecurities mostly by eating. I am self-defeating because I don't believe in myself to succeed; I constantly self-sabotage myself. I have minimal self esteem and my self worth is contingent on whether or not I feel loved... and I don't think I'm deserving of love, so essentially I see myself as having no value whatsoever. I have a hard time connecting with other people. I can keep them at a distance while giving them just enough information to think that they know who I am... and I don't even know who that is anymore. I ruin healthy relationships because I think that the one I am with is better off without me because, in my mind, I'm worthless. I am in a constant state of depression with the occasional moment of peace and humor... but I never trust those moments to last because... they usually don't because I do something to sabotage the good.
I'm sorry if this has made you uncomfortable, but... it feels good for me to talk about it. I am relieved to speak about this. For the longest time I've felt the need to pretend that all is swell and... it's not. And that's okay. I'm aware of the core issue now and I'm going to get help for it. I'm going to talk about it on here. Mental health issues, in our culture, are usually attached to some pretty heavy stigma and the only way to change that is to talk about it and I'm going to talk about it. I'm going to talk about it here, publicly. I hope you stay with me. I think we can all learn a lot.
I wish I could give you a big hug and just be there for you. It's so hard going through these struggles. Therapy helped me quite a bit and it wasn't until I committed to going that it even started to take affect. Hang in there and know your not alone.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your support. It means more to me than you'll ever know.
ReplyDeleteIn the past years, I sought out therapy. It took two tries, but I did find a clinical psychologist that helped me (the first one made me feel bad about myself in just one visit...ugh). In a heartbeat, if I started feeling down again, I would step right back in that office for she helped me turn in the right direction. I can't exactly pinpoint why...but she did...we clicked...it worked.
ReplyDeleteI know you too can find that same person(s) that will help you to work through things.
You have been through a lot. I am routing for you...and I know you are going to find your way. It may take some time, but happiness is out there. Hang in there...((Hugs))
You are one brave and honest woman. We all struggle, we all hide, we all pretend but we don't all admit it. I wish you the freedom and relief that comes from saying out loud "I am hurting and I am in trouble." I've been there and somehow just admitting it and saying those words frees the soul a bit. K, we are always here for you in any way you need us.
ReplyDeleteThank you to you all. Thank you so much. This is the beginning of better days.
ReplyDeleteMany people are standing in your corner and they know that you will be able to be strong and get through anything. Those people are there no matter what because some bonds cannot be broken very easily.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, and you don't know me. But I have to admit, I'm inspired by you. Get the counseling you need. And don't be ashamed to do so. I think you'll make it through this beautifully... And you'll finally be able to see yourself through your Heavenly Father's eyes.
ReplyDeletek- thank you so much for your words of support and encouragement.
ReplyDeleteKiki,
ReplyDeleteRight now I'm trying to breathe after reading this. Although I don't know you, I've read a few of your entries and I can tell you from those that you are beautiful deserving of love, especially your own. Only the strongest women can do what we've done (birthmother status, holla!) and that's something right there to love yourself for.
Sometimes when I feel crappy I turn on some music and start singing. Even if I don't want to. I just sing. It makes me feel better for a couple hours and, I figure, if I can feel better for a few hours, that might be contagious. If it's contagious, it might help you to make better decisions (i.e. prioritizing therapy time!)
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Birth Mommy,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comment! In the time since that I've gone back to therapy, the difference I feel in facing every day is inspiring in itself. Thank you for your suggestion, I love to sing, that's something I'm trying to make more time for as well. Please come back and share your perspective with me more. Thank you for the comment :)
Kiki, You are beautiful and important to so many people. I'm so glad that you have somewhere to express yourself freely and that you are going to therapy and finding the support you need. Because you do deserve it. :) I'm glad you are feeling happier and better. You deserve to make time for yourself to do whatever you need to be happy.
ReplyDeleteAnd I still have those 'elbow' paintings you did as your own version of therapy once upon a time. My students still comment on how awesome they are and I just tell them my awesome friend painted them with her fingers (and an occasional elbow). ;)
Jules,
ReplyDeleteI remember painting those, lol. You should take a picture of them with your cell phone and send them to me because I've nearly forgotten what they look like. Thank you for your friendship throughout the years. I love you like a sister Jules.