It's been three weeks tomorrow since I placed my child in the social worker's arms and that's strange because if you asked me, time hasn't existed these last 3 weeks. These three weeks have been the longest of my life and yet, it's hard to believe that Baby Boy is already nearly one month old. I don't know where that time went and, yet, I remember every specific second of it. Most of it was spent sleeping. I sleep so I don't have to feel. I don't want to feel jealous of the adoption couple, to me that emotion is ludicrous because I chose them to raise my child. They are the most amazing people I've met and I knew he was supposed to be their son, I chose them and I'm grateful that they exist because they will be able to provide all the things for him that I can't and I'm not just speaking materialism here, I'm talking about the emotional aspect of it all, as well. I could have raised my child, many single moms raise children alone every year and they make it work, I could have raised my child. I could work 3 jobs and never see my child because he would be in daycare all day and never see me, his mother. He would just know the daycare attendants better, and rely more on them, than me, his own mother.
When I was younger I never planned my wedding, not to specific detail anyway. I always just knew that I would get married and that was that. What I planned and dreamed about was the life I would have and the family I would have. The wedding was never a big deal to me, it was the life afterward that had me fascinated. I remember in first grade we had a career day where parent's would come and talk about their career and what type of education you would need, etc. There was a woman firefighter who asked me what I wanted to be when I was older and I remember, clear as day, saying, "A mommy." That's all I ever wanted from life, was to be a stay at home mother. She laughed at my response and said, "Honey, you can be a mommy and work, so, what do you want to be when you grow up besides a mommy?" Well, I was thoroughly confused, but I thought about it for a second and then I looked up at her and said with an unsure waiver in my voice, "A wife?" Needless to say, she saw that she was getting no where with me and moved on to another child.
I grew up the youngest of 8 kids and both my parents worked because, well, they had 8 kids to provide for. When I was younger it never really affected me because when I got home from school there was a whole slew of people to look after me and keep me entertained (I was 5). But, as I got older and my siblings were moving out to their own respective places, the house seemed to get larger and larger, and more quiet than ever and, eventually, it was just me. My senior year of high school was the first time I ever had a stay at home mom and I remember coming home from school and walking in the house and there was a noticeable difference, it's odd, but the house always seemed warmer, in a good way. I always knew, growing up, what I wanted for my future family. And, working 3 jobs just to get by, was not it.
I've been thinking about all these past events a lot lately. I feel like I forgot for the longest time after high school what I always knew I wanted, and I morphed into this person I didn't recognize anymore, a person who grew distant from her own family and I'm ashamed of that.
Today was my nephews blessing at church. He is 10 weeks old, just 7 weeks older than my baby boy and the resemblance between the two is shocking. It was a beautiful blessing and he looked so handsome in his white suit. There were babies everywhere in the chaple and it was hard. I looked at all my sisters and sisters-in-law and they have beautiful families and they are all such amazing mothers and I feel like I'm reconnecting to everyone in my family, but there is still an emptiness that is deafening inside.
Today was the first day that it occurred to me what I'm going to miss out on in my little boy's life. Sitting in the chaple, time stopped, and then zoomed forward and all the events that I will never be apart of echoed in my head: his blessing day- he won't be placed back in my arms, his first photo with Santa Claus, his first day of school, his baptism, when he receives the Priesthood, his dating years, his first crush, his first love-lost, his graduations from school, the day he meets the love of his life and proposes to her, his wedding day, his children. In that one second, thirty years passed and my baby grew up and I wasn't there for any of it. And, I am jealous of the people I trust with my whole heart to raise him, because they are going to be there, not me. But, I am so grateful for them because they are able to give him every opportunity in the world, and most importantly, when he comes home from school, he will come home to a warm house, not an empty one.
There were babies everywhere today, but none of them were mine and that knowledge has consumed my mind and once again, I think time has stopped.
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