I started attending therapy this last week. On top of attending therapy I have also returned to the birth mother's group offered through the agency whom I placed through. It's made quite a bit of difference already. I stopped attending the groups because things with work got extremely busy but then things got to a place where I could have continued attending had I chosen to, but I didn't want to. I wanted to believe I was to a place where I had coped and dealt with everything and I was the epitome of "alright". Anyway, I have now attended to birth mother's groups and the first week I went back resulted in a flood of emotion during group. I didn't realize how much pent-up grief I had inside me. I was a mess. But, when I drove home that night I felt so much... so much more intact than I have for a long time now. Nothing changed. My sorrow was still there and I was more aware of it than in a long time and the situational circumstances that were wearing on me were still there, but I was finally paying them attention and that's what the difference was. I was recognizing what was going on. I wasn't trying to push it away, or looking for some way to mask it, I was aware of it and that recognition brought with it that feeling you get when you exhale a long exhale after a long day of difficulty because it's over, that day is over and you survived. I felt that.
At this last weeks group we talked about gratitude and how there have been studies done about people who are experiencing grief or working through trauma and during all of that, the people experiencing these hardships are more recognizing of the blessings in their life. The studies have gone on to state that, in some cases, these people recognizing the blessings and what they are grateful for benefit more from that alone than actual therapy. More studies have been conducted that have proven that people who attend therapy and don't facilitate and accept real changes in themselves will regress into the same negative patterns as early as 5 years after they attended therapy. But, the people who learn to recognize the blessings in their lives and who are grateful for those blessings benefit more long term than the ones who don't recognize the blessings. We were given a gratitude journal at group and an assignment to write down three things every day that we are grateful for that happened that day. I've decided that I am going to make this a consistent habit and that I am going to share it with all you, my dear friends.
Yesterday I was grateful that the morning divorce mediation I had to assist with ended early. I wasn't feeling ready to listen to people argue for hours on end and I didn't want to do it, but it ended after an hour and was rescheduled. That was a blessing and I am grateful for it. I was then able to make a lot of progress in my other cases.
I am grateful for understanding friends. I only have my perception of events and I was not aware that I had hurt a dear friend of mine the day before. It was brought to my attention and I felt bad, but my friends are patient and understanding and I am grateful for that. The hurt has been healed and I understand myself better and how I can come across and that is valuable knowledge to have and I have my dear friends to thank for helping me understand this. I am grateful to them.
I am grateful for Murdock my lily plant. I know that sounds silly, but he is beautiful and you look at him and he is so happy. It's been a long couple of weeks and the weather has been drizzly and depressing. I love the rain, but not when it is constant. Rather, I love the thunderstorms that hit out of nowhere and last for a bit and then go away and leave the world refreshed and then the sun comes out and it's beautiful. The rain we have had in Utah has been constant and the sun... not completely present. I came home from work yesterday and Murdock was on the table outside and he has new blossoms and he was bright against the contrast of the sky. I looked at him and my heart was happy and I smiled. I'm grateful for my lily, Murdock. I will post a picture of him. I think you'll agree that he is fantastic.
I won't post these gratitude posts every day. Instead, I will collect them throughout the week and post the highlights on a weekly basis. I can tell you today that I am already starting to recognize quicker the moments that lead to my gratitude. It's a good feeling, being grateful.
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