“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Dear Readers,
I have been so absent this year. It's been a year full of change and adaptation; I wish I would have documented it more. I've been reflecting on this past year a lot lately. My hope for this past year, 2011, was that it would be one of bravery and a passion for living. I'm going to be open and honest and some of this I am ashamed to admit, but I've learned so much from 2011, that I can't not share my life-lessons with you.
I did a lot of living this year; wild living. I began to drink this past year. My secret is already out to some members of my family, which is why I feel safe to discuss this on here. And, before I go any further, I need you to understand that this post is not condoning wild living. The most important way to live your life is a life lived by your moral code. I drank a lot this year and that's never been a part of my moral code.
My drinking started 1 year ago, Christmas Eve. I did it because I wanted to know what it was like to feel uninhibited for one moment. I did it because I wanted to know what it would feel like to live outisde my head for one moment. It was my plan to only do it once, but that once turned in to many times. And each time, for a brief moment, I lived outside my head and then I would feel sick and depressed and vow to never do it again, only to do it again. I haven't had a drink since Halloween night and I'm not going to. Luckily for me, I did not become addicted to it. That's saying a lot, because extended family members of mine are alcoholics and I do have an addictive personality, so I am very lucky.
I thought that drinking like this was living boldly and that's stupid thinking. I lost myself. It started out innocently as something I wanted to experience, and then it turned in to an emotional thing. When I say that, I mean, I wanted to drink when things were bad, or I wanted to drink as a social activity. Beyond all of that, I wanted to drink because I thought that someone I had in my life thought I was boring and judgemental without drinking. What started out as an innocent curiosity turned into something consuming of my identity. I don't blame my actions on anyone else. I just wish I had truly been courageous and brave in taking a stand for myself and realizing that I'm good enough without drinking.
To end the year bravely, I am confessing to you all a weakness I still have. I still don't trust my goodness and my value. I still allow other people to persuade me to do things I would never have otherwise sought out to do on my own and the shame of all this is within me because I allowed the persuassion. I take ownership of that.
Having said that, a few things I've learned about myself this year are that I am determined. I don't give up. I may have let go of some people in my life, but there is a difference in letting go and giving up. Letting go inspires moving on and adapting. Giving up is just that, being defeated. I don't give up and I've learned that it's okay to let go. Letting go hurts because it's new and you are letting go of something that- for a long time- inspired you and made you want to be a better person, but eventually was hurtful in the end. This is a fact of life. The things that inspire you the most can possibly, at some point, be detrimental to your growth.
I've learned that hope is faith and I still have hope. Regardless of everything I've seen and faced and lived in my life, I still have hope. Hope is survival. Hope is a precious gift. Whether it's hope in a Deity, or it's hope in the coming morning, hope is faith that things will sort themselves out and not hurt as much anymore. I live for hope. I've recently suffered a sorrow and am still coping with it... and as much as I want to close up and hide my heart and let it become cold and indestructable, like some people believe it already is... I choose not to become hard and calloused. I choose to still open my heart to those I know and those I will eventually meet. And I'm not just talking about romantic love... that's not the only love you open yourself up to be vulnerable to. Friendships, family members, strangers that are having a hard day... there are many different ways to make yourself vulnerable, but it's necessary because it's human.
There are more lessons I've learned this year and they are coming up in later posts, but I wanted to end by saying that it is my belief that our entire purpose in this life is to love. I'm not perfect in this. I've done and said many hurtful things to the people I love the most, but I also understand that accountability for pain needs to be taken on all sides. No one person is capable of causing all the sorrow and damage of heartache and loss... it takes multiple people to contibute to loss and pain. Regardless of this, I still choose to love because that's why I'm here. I'm here to love.
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