Feeling the Need to Speak

Have you ever felt like there is something inside of you that needs to speak... but you don't know what it is you need to say? I feel that way right now. Everything is beautiful in my life right now. It's like needing to take a breath when your lungs are already full of the previous breath; you aren't going to die from lack of oxygen, but the need to breathe is still there. It's bizarre. That's the best way I can describe what I feel right now, the need to speak but not knowing what for and therefore not knowing what to say.

It's been exactly seven minutes from the moment I typed that last sentence and I don't know what to say, but something needs to be said. This is maddening and yet I'm completely calm. I think the need to speak comes from the fact that it's harder to live life Red than it is to simply say, "From here on out, I'm going to live bravely and work to conquer my fears." It's easy to say those words, but it's harder to stay in place when all you want to do is run... or casually vacate the area that is causing so much apprehension, without anyone noticing your leaving.

I went to the gym last night with my brother. He is training to participate in Tough Guy and he wants me to train with him. Ideally I would train with him to participate in the event myself, but... I have other dreams I'm focusing on right now, so I just want to work out with him because he knows his stuff and is a good trainer. I'm happy that I get to work out with him because not only is it beneficial, but it will give me the opportunity to spend more time with my brother.

Last night I did an hour of cardio, simple cardio, so that he could get a feel for where I was at physically, so we know where to start. Not even 10 minutes into the work out, I was feeling extremely anxious and not wanting to continue and desperately wanting to leave. It wasn't that I thought I was going to die because I couldn't physically follow through with the workout itself. It was that I couldn't stop concentrating and focusing on all the people around me. There were so many people... everywhere. I kept darting my gaze around the gym and I could not... I could not what? I could not concentrate on myself because I was scared of all the people surrounding me.

My brother picked up on my nerves and talked me through them before he went to work out himself. I was grateful to him. After he left it was hard to not feel anxious still, but I tried to zone out to what was surrounding me. I even continued my workout with my eyes closed, as if closing my eyes would erase all the other people surrounding me. It didn't work.

And then this girl on the treadmill next to me named Melissa started talking to me. She asked how long I'd been coming to the gym and I told her this was my first time to this particular gym. She kept talking to me. She is there to get into better shape because she and her husband want to start trying for children. I told her that I usually weight train and am not a fan of cardio. I also told her about Baby Boy. She was so intrigued that I had placed him for adoption that she started asking questions about adoption and that's when it happened, that's when I finally chilled out. It was nice to be able to focus on something familiar. I talked to her for about 15 minutes about adoption until she was done with her workout.

When she left I was much calmer and I no longer noticed the people around me. Don't get me wrong, they were still there, but I no longer cared. I finally started focusing on why it was that I was there.

I want a family. I'm ready to start my family. I've found the man with whom I am going to build my family and my future with. He is wonderful and I love him and he loves me and we are excited for our future together. He is the same wonderful Mango I've spoken of before. I focused on him and I focused on our future and I focused on what kind of mother I want to be; and that woman is fearless. I should explain my interpretation of that word. Fearlesness to me is not the absence of fear itself, rather it's the presence of fear and still choosing to live your life out loud despite being surrounded by the things that you are afraid of. Fearlesness is choosing to live life especially when in the midst of the unknown.

That's the woman I want to be. That's the woman I'm learning to become. That's the kind of mother I want to be, and the kind of wife I know I can become. But, it's not just for my future family that I want to be that woman. Mostly, it's for me. I deserve to be that woman. John Lennon spoke about love being the driving force to overcome fear. He said, "There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life."

I realized last night that I did not go through everything life has thrown at me just to end up defeated and afraid. I've survived it and now it's time to live. To live is to love and I'm loved and in love. My greatest ability is to love. I can be the woman I want to become because of my ability to love. I've got this. It's in my grasp. All I need to do is take off running with it, because only then can I fly. Are these words too brave for me? Absolutely not. I've got this.