What a weird night? Anyone else feeling full of emotions that they can't recognize? This is frustrating. I feel so... on the verge of tears only I can't name the emotion. Today is the 10 year anniversary of 9/11 and it's bizarre. So much can happen in 10 years. So much life can be lived and forgotten about within 10 years. So many promises can be made to yourself and then... life gets in the way and you forget what once was important to you and then you find yourself in a place you never anticipated and you don't remember what it is you ever wanted. You're at ground zero... you are at a place in your life where it needs to be re-built from nothing. You have to find a sturdy structure to re-build on because the one you had before proved faulty... or just incapable of surviving the blows of life.
I don't mean for this post to be philosophical. And maybe it's not. What I do know is that I thought that I had re-built. I thought that when Baby Boy was born and I left the hospital and he was united with his parents... and my soul died on the drive home... when I went to bed that night, I thought that that moment was ground zero and now I'm starting to realize that life is full of those moments. And they hit you out of nowhere. And they make you feel insignificant to the task that lays before you. How do you re-build what you once thought was indestructible? How do you adapt to change and survive? How do you find yourself and claim ownership when everyone around you is fighting against the person you feel you are?
Everyone has their own ideas of how something should be re-built. Everyone has their own ideas of where the previous foundation was faulty and why the destruction happened in the first place. But, who has the final say on the new creation? This has all been on my mind for a long while now and... I didn't realize how... scary it is to re-build. And I honestly don't know if this post is making any sense. I have a gazillion thoughts competing in my head and they are ridiculously hard to catch. Okay, there aren't a gazillion of them... really there are like only (one second while I count), okay there are really 4 major thoughts going on in my head right now. But, they are all giant gorillas on my back.
I'm a boat-rocker... I stir things up. I don't say this in defiance. I say this because... I've always been that way. Again, not out of a need to be defiant, but because I see the world differently... I see things differently. And it's hard. And, I am not seeking pity... I don't mean for this post to be a woe-is-me post. I'm just trying to make sense of it all. I challenge people's perspectives on things and I don't do this to create enemies. I don't do this to make other's see that I'm right and they are wrong, even though I'm pretty sure I can come across that way. I do this because in my heart, what I am fighting for... isn't wrong, and it's not right either, but it shouldn't be feared because it just "is".
This is a confession post, though I lack the gumption to declare my confession because I know that it's going to disappoint a lot of people who care about me. I will alleviate some fears that I know are going through a lot of minds right now. No, I'm not pregnant. No, I haven't been doing anything to lead to pregnancy (last time I heard, Immaculate Conception hasn't happened for a long time). Yes, I believe in God. No, I'm not leaving my organized religion. No, I am not planning to stage a Revolution against the Government (though I feel a Revolution is definitely in order). I think I've covered all the big fears.
I'm shaking right now as I try to decide whether or not to post this blog-post. I might regret this post. I'm pretty sure I will, but, I also hope that from it great things will surface and be resolved. And I know that I've been very sneaky in not coming out and saying what I'm referring to. If I could leave you all with a thought to consider, it would be this:
We are most afraid of that which we don't understand. We aren't meant to understand everything. People will come into our lives that live their lives in complete contrast to our own, that doesn't make them bad and if you perceive them as "wrong" or "shameful" or "disappointing", perhaps some inward reflection would be beneficial. People are people. There are "bad" people out there... those are the ones who commit crimes against humanity... you know the type... Osama Bin Laden, Hitler... those kinds. But, for the most part, people are just trying to survive and if they happen to look different, or they talk differently, or they believe in a different God... that doesn't make them wrong. We can all learn a lot from each other; to "learn" is to "come to realize"... what that realization is, is ultimately up to you. Don't judge a book by it's cover. I hate to end this post with a cliche, but I suppose if you are to use a cliche, that would be a good one to use. Don't judge a book by it's cover, it's usually better on the inside than it looks on the outside.
My two cents: To love someone means to love them for all of who they are. It doesn't mean you have to agree with all of their decisions or that you should pretend to agree just to make them feel better- you both love and respect each other and support one another in finding your way in this crazy life.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay if someone disagrees with you- that doesn't necessarily mean they don't love you or that they judge you. You can openly disagree with a decision but still support a person. That's just hard for some people to do.
People will sometimes try to insert their opinions into how a foundation should be rebuilt if only because they so love and want it to be strong enough to hold a beautiful, towering fortress or cathedral. Sometimes it's not fighting against, it is fighting for--- if in a totally unhelpful, counter-intuitive way. :)
Sometimes when you are rebuilding something, you have to have patience with yourself. And with those around you. Those who love you but don't know how to stand up for what they believe in and still stand up for you.
As for me- I love you. I don't always love the decisions you make, but you know that. And you know (I think) that I love you anyway and in spite of and because of all that you are and have been and will become. And just as you struggle to reclaim yourself, those who love you will struggle to accept that who they love is changing. Don't let yourself feel depressed by that- they are struggling, too, and will need the love you would ask from them. After all, they just want the best for you. They might hope different things for you and your future, but the most important thing is to just love each other anyway.
Thank you Jules. I agree with you completely.
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