Dear Sweetheart,

Dear Sweetheart,

You are nearly 2.5 years old and I still recognize your voice whenever I hear it.  Your mother sent me a recording of you wishing me a happy birthday and your little voice is so cute.  Your little voice still reminds me of a sweet little dove coo.  I was sitting here at my office desk tonight and listening to music on the computer as I worked and out of nowhere I heard this sweetly angelic, tender little voice and my senses perked up and I looked around me looking for you.  Your sweet little voice was coming from my purse!  I forgot I had put my phone in my purse and I have an alarm set with your recording set as the alarm.  I could hear you through all the music and office noise.  I love you little man and I always will.  You are the child of my heart and your voice is my rejuvenation.  Whenever I hear you I giggle to myself and my heart beats a little harder and I send sweet whispers of love to you in a prayer.  You are perfection and I love you, my dear sweet little baby man.

With all my love,
Your birth-mother

Light

Have you ever looked up at the sky and felt like what you saw was created just for you?  A reminder to you of where you want to be?  That happened to me the other day.  This last week has been insanely difficult.  I've been working and dealing with finals.  Finals are over for the semester and I survived.  But to give you an example of what my last couple of weeks have been like, I've been at the office every night or up studying at my apartment until about 3:30 the next morning.  I took some days off from work the last couple of weeks so that I could focus on my final papers and when the library closed I would come over to the office and research and study there.

Last week I had my final paper due for my British Literature class and that paper was nearly the death of me.  Simply put, the philosophy of Romanticism will never purely be defined because it is in constant transition.  For as long as man wants something beyond the thing he already knows, then Romanticism will continue to transcend what man already understands.  I had to write about that and whether, because of its inability to be defined, Romanticism a worthy Literary Movement.  What is at stake with this debate is the context in which every text can be analyzed, or should be analyzed, for that matter.  It's... essentially philosophizing about philosophy.  Yeah, it's enough to make your eyes twitch.  That was last week and I was at the office every night until about 2:30 the next morning, just to go home for a little sleep just to start it again.  I did take some days off of work last week, but I existed in the public library for the time I wasn't in the office.  Also last week, classroom discussions on the texts we were still reading for both my British Literature class and American Literature class, and a math tests were continuing on until the absolute last day of classes.  Thank the Heavens above, classes finally ended, and with one paper down and one more to go, as well as a math test, I was able to spend an entire week on research for my American Literature paper which I turned in on Wednesday.

I turned my final paper in just this past Wednesday night.  I was at the office all of Tuesday for work and until 6:30 6:30 a.m. Wednesday morning when I finished a completed draft of my paper.  I went home and slept for about 4 hours and then went to the public library and studied all day until I had to take my math final at 5:00 p.m.  After my math final I came back to the office and fleshed out my paper and revised it and smoothed out the rough spots.  I revised it down from 25 pages to 19 and it was a lot of work.  I e-mailed it to my teacher at 10:45 p.m., with a little over an hour to spare.  Needless to say, I'm exhausted.  Dealing with emotional things on top of finals and work, I am exhausted.  Yesterday after work all I wanted to do was go home and sleep for at least 1 year, but I had to stay late for work and then drag my exhausted tukhus to the grocery mart because all the food in my refrigerator has gone bad and I needed to grocery shop for the bare minimum.  And then I went home and did laundry.  I'm a bit ashamed to admit it but I haven't done laundry in 3 weeks.  Yeah... how gross is that?  It's okay if you are disgusted, I was too.

I don't remember checking out at the grocery mart because I felt like I was sleep-walking.  I walked out of the grocery mart and I saw the above sunset.  I've never seen rays of light like that before.  If you look closely, the sun is setting and the rays are bursting from below the mountain horizon up towards the sky and they are met by other clouds which the rays of light illuminate.  I stood at my car for about 15 minutes and just watched the sky.

When I see rays of sunlight, my soul is replenished.  They are a reminder of the future I'm seeking.  They are a reminder of an angelic child whom I love who I know is going to come to me and she is soft like the warmth of the sun and she is as surprising and invigorating, and comforting as a ray of light amidst the dark clouds.  This was my reminder when I felt so kicked down and soul-depleted from my lack of sleep and adult responsibilities.  This was my reminder that everything I'm doing right now is for a brighter day.  What is to come is not the end-all and I'm not saying that there isn't difficulty to be found in the future, but I have hope for the future and that's enough.  This was my reminder.  And it may sound highly conceited to suggest that God created that sunset just for me, so I won't say that, but I definitely know that he meant for me to see it and I'm grateful for it, all the same.

Supernova

One thing about me is I will always get back up. No matter what, I will always get back up. What you see in me, right now, this is just the beginning. The world doesn't know what's coming in me. I'm unstoppable, I may stumble and fall hard, and life may sometimes knock the breath from my heart, but I always get back up and each time I climb further. What you see in me, right now, it's only a fragment of my whole; it's only a fraction of my story. I get better with each defeat; with each fall I get better. And I'm about to soar.

Hopeful Adoptive Family: John and Susan

How did you meet your spouse?  How long did you both date before you decided to get married?  How long have you been married?

John and I met through a friend of mine at work in downtown Baltimore. A group of us all hung out together - and still do.  We did lots of things together outside of work and we still get together several times a year. When John moved here from Seattle, he met our friend K and started hanging out with us too. So, we knew each other as friends for about a year. The first time I ever spent any time with him, we went to a friend’s cookout.  He was the big kid on the floor with all the little kids climbing all over him, playing with trucks.  That memory still makes me smile.

One weekend there was a big festival by the water in Baltimore and John wanted to go.  No one else wanted to, but I told him “I’ll go!”  So we went, we had a great time and immediately started to realize we had so much in common.  We were pretty much inseparable after that!

We had dated for 4 ½ months when John proposed on Valentine’s Day, in the rain, in the middle of the sidewalk in downtown Washington, DC!

We’ve been married ten years now and every year our lives together get better.  We are best friends and soul mates.  We fit perfectly. He’s the love of my life.

What was the first thing you really came to appreciate about your spouse and why was that quality/characteristic important to you [if the ladies of the couple are answering this, then grab your husband's and have them answer it for you as well ;) ?

There are so many things I admire and love about John. I’ve always appreciated John’s strength. He’s a real grown up! J He’s been through a lot in his life and he is a very strong person.  At the same time, he’s such a positive guy!  He’s such a loving and caring, has a great, goofy sense of humor and is generous to a fault!  He’s also a gentleman so he opens doors, holds my hand and covers me with his umbrella. He loves me and shows me that every day. He will make an amazing, goofy, loving, protective wonderful daddy. Makes my heart smile!

John wrote part of our letter to expectant moms. Here’s some of what he wrote about me:  (blushing J) “Susan is intelligent, witty, and well spoken. She has an outgoing type of personality that fills a room with happiness; she’s the one you want to talk to. I am so truly happy to be married to her. Susan is a natural with kids and ready to be a mom. The kids all like her too. The kids in the neighborhood frequently stop by to show Susan the latest bugs they've caught or to find out if frogs really do bite.” 

Do you have any current family traditions that you celebrate as a family?  If so, how did these traditions begin?

We have many family traditions, as most families do.  Some are old customs and some are new.  One of our favorite traditions is Thanksgiving weekend.  On Sunday afternoon, we go with my mom to choose our Christmas tree, cut it down, drink cider and then bring it home.  Then we decorate the tree with her, since she often spends Christmas with my brother. It’s a fun day and puts us in the mood for the holidays!

Another tradition we celebrate is “John’s Birthday Week.”  John always insists that his mom celebrated his birthday the entire week. So, even though we laugh about that, I make a special effort to do little things ALL WEEK to celebrate the day of his birth!  It’s fun!

A new tradition we have started the past few years is to Skype with John’s sister, brother-in-law, our niece and John’s brother on Christmas morning! They’re on the West Coast but Skype helps us to open our gifts together, laugh and catch up with each other.  It’s become a fun tradition and so amazing that we can spend the morning virtually together!  We absolutely love it and hope to maybe do the same kind of thing with our child’s birthparents some day!

If you currently have children, how many children do you currently have?  Are they biological?  Are they adopted?

We don’t have any kids yet but we’re hoping to soon!

If you currently do not have children, how long have you been trying to grow your family?

We’ve been trying since about a year after we got married, so about nine years.

If not already explained, how did you come to the decision to adopt?

We were going through infertility treatments and at some point we started talking about stopping.  Through that conversation, we realized that having a child biologically related to us wasn’t important.  We just wanted to have a family and become parents! So we took a break for awhile and then later began to look into adoption.

We are pretty active in trying to make a connection but it hasn't happened yet.  We try to stay positive and talk about adoption all the time. (John has decided lately that our dog, a Yorkie, "needs" a child as a playmate soon. LOL) We have both family and friends who have adopted children so we are surrounded by happy, successful adoption stories!

How has your experience in the world of adoption mirrored or changed your expectation of adoption?

It’s really such a learning process and we’ve learned so much that we didn’t know in the beginning.  We thought we knew a lot going in but it turns out we didn’t really know anything! Our experience in adoption has been an education. More than anything, we’ve learned to expect to be unexpectedly surprised!  Most of all, we’ve learned so much about openness in adoption and we’ve grown excited at the possibilities that offers.  We’ve learned from very good friends – in real life and virtual – how rewarding relationships can be between first and adoptive parents. And we see every day how amazing it is for the children. 

If you currently have children who are adopted, do you have any traditions that their birth-mothers/birth-fathers share in on?  If so, what are they?  (eg., my adoptive couple gives me an ornament every year with a picture of Baby Boy in it, and I love it and appreciate it so much).

We don’t have any kids yet but we can’t wait to create some wonderful traditions with our child’s birth family! I am gathering some great ideas – I love the ornament idea too!

How do you define open adoption?  What is open adoption to you?

To us, having an open adoption means creating an ongoing relationship.  Creating an extended-family kind of relationship, centered around a little girl or boy.  We hope to build an open, honest, trusting bond with our child’s first family so that our baby always knows who they are and how she/he are related. We don’t want there to be a big moment where they remember being told about adoption. And so we hope that in having an open adoption, we’ll have open communication, calls, emails, lots of pictures and visits and wonderful memories over the years.

What would your ideal relationship with "your" birth-mother be, pre-placement?  (Would you like to attend Dr. Appointments with her, have her to Sunday dinners, get together on a monthly basis for a movie, &etc?  How involved would you, ideally, like to be involved, &etc.)

We really just want to be able to spend the time we all need together.  We want the expectant parent who chooses us to be happy with the level of contact we have, so we would let her lead the way.  But, yes to all of the above! We’d love to be close enough to have her over or to see her regularly and go to doctor appointments.  Ideally, it would be great to live close enough that we could spontaneously call each other up, go grab a coffee or tea or have lunch together just to catch up!  But we also know that we might be further away so we look forward to travelling, calling/texting/emailing and weekends away to see her if she doesn’t live in Maryland!

In your opinion what part of the adoption process (pre-placement, placement, post-placement) have you found to be the most important to the building of the relationship between you and the birth-mother?

I think that probably each part is important in it’s own way. Pre-placement is where you’re getting to know each other and a time of discovery.  At placement, the reality of the situation really hits home. It’s a critical time and there are a lot of powerful emotions at work. We hope to be a solid support and a good friend to her at such a hard time.  Post-placement, I imagine is a time when the relationship can really bloom into a solid friendship and it would be important to be sure to honor that relationship so that the foundation of the birth parent-adoptive parent relationship remains strong for that child who’s so very important!

If you have yet to adopt, how do you anticipate building a relationship with the birth-mother?  How important do you perceive the relationship between you and birth-mother to be throughout the entire process that is adoption (pre-placement, placement, post-placement)?

John and I think that relationship is key.  It’s so important for all of us, but especially for that Little One.  Our hope is that we can become friends and that trust will come easily, that we’ll just “click.”  We want her to know that she can trust us – trust us with both her excitement as well as her fears and worries, and go through this experience with her as friends.  But we know that it can sometimes be hard to trust and share your scariest feelings and that good relationships don’t always happen over night. So we hope to be able to spend enough time before the baby is born getting to know each other, giving hugs, being good listeners and supportive friends.  If we were in a situation where we didn’t have a lot of time together pre-placement, we would do the same things.  Most importantly, we would make sure that she knows that when we make promises, we keep them.

For any young woman considering placing her child for adoption, and who is reading this right now, what do you want to say to her? 

Thank you so much for considering adoption for your baby and for reading our answers to these questions.  We haven’t been in your situation but we do understand what a huge sacrifice this is for you to make.

We’d like you to know that if you chose us to adopt your child, that we will absolutely cherish him or her.  This baby will be welcomed with such JOY into our family. I don’t think there is any way for me to adequately express how much happiness a child would bring to our lives and how much we look forward to welcoming you into our family too.

John and I love each other more every day and we’re very strongly committed to each other and our family. We think that’s the best gift a couple can give to their children. We aren’t perfect though. We do argue sometimes. But we work it out quickly and move on. We have a strong faith in God, a loving marriage and we are ready and excited to be parents!

We’d like you to know that we’re here to offer you support and friendship – and that we’re waiting sort of impatiently for you to find us so we can get to know you!  J

We’d love to talk to you on the phone and get to know each other.  We’re happy to answer any questions you might have – we’re an open book!

We hope that you will feel the love and respect that we have for you. Sending you love and keeping you in our prayers everyday…

Do you have a blog that you would like to share with those reading this today?  If so, what is the address of your blog?

We have a blog that includes pictures, our Letter to Expectant Parents and other information about us:

http://johnandsusansadoptionjourney.blogspot.com/p/were-so-glad-youre-here.html

We can always be reached directly at readytoadopt@gmail.com  

A Blog Hop

I'm really excited about this.  It's so hard to locate other voices out there in the adoption blogger community.  The link below has an entire huge list of other bloggers blogging about this very thing.  Enjoy.  I know I will.

http://www.theadoptionmagazine.com/

Peace in the Difficult

I believe that peace can be found in the most difficult of times.  I have seen this throughout all my life.  What are your thoughts on this?  Do you believe that peace can be found in the difficult?  Share with me.

Balance in Change?

I was going to post this big post, but I got part way through it and I decided I wanted to open it up to you fine people.  I will preface it by giving you a brief explanation of where it came from.  As you all know, I've been focusing on finding balance in 2012.  I've recently been faced with the understanding that something I've been working through, that is near and dear to my heart, cannot be resolved through balance.  I've been obsessively focusing on and trying to find balance in this situation and as I was laying in bed at 4:00 o'clock this morning... obsessing about how to resolve this "thing" in my life, it occurred to me that, for right now, there is no balance.  So, I can keep obsessing over it and slowly driving myself insane or I can make a decision for one way or the other and then deal with the ramifications from there forward and work to find balance in whatever comes.  So, that's where this post comes from.

What are your thoughts on this?  Have you ever thought much about it?  Simply, I feel that it's in those times of our lives where we can't find balance, that we need to make a decision.  It's in these moments that our life is transitioning in to the next phase.  For me, it's kind of like that idea that our trials grow us for the change that is to come.  Perhaps, the inability to find the balance is the challenge, and through the difficulty of declaring a decision, that is our growth for change.  What are your thoughts on this?  I really hope those of you out there who have been reading and checking in on me from time to time, that you'll share your thoughts on this.  I learn so much from you all, from the personal e-mails I've received from some of you, to the tender-hearted comments I've been left.  Please share with me and let's get some dialogue going back and forth.

Sincerely,
Other Mother/Kathryn

I'm "Twitter"-pated...

Okay folks, it's official.  I'm tweetering... I'm a twitterer... I'm twittering...?  Whatever it's called, I feel old trying to talk about it.  Having said that, I would like to share with you all my vision.  I'm excited about this.  As you all know, or can tell, I love to write.  And I love to express myself.  I am my most honest when I write.  And writing is something I feel... drawn to.  Furthermore, I love talking about Open Adoption.  What does all of this have to do with anything?  One day, I want to write a book and this blog is the beginning of my voice.  One day, I want it to explode virally... I want it to go viral, however the proper way to say that is (clearly I don't speak tech-anese... that's to say, I'm no techy).  I want the world to know about Open Adoption and I want to share it through my experience.  Please, share this blog with anyone and everyone.  I'm not joking.  If you are standing in line at the grocery mart and 10 people ahead of you is a coupon-er (no judging here) and you know you are going to be there for a while and you want to strike up a conversation, start talking about Open Adoption, and share my blog.  I want communication.  I want those of you in the shadows to feel safe to come out from hiding and share your feelings with me about what adoption means to you.

I realize that probably a lot of you don't comment because I don't necessarily end my posts in a way that opens up the dialogue.  I'm going to work on doing that.  And I'm also going to start posing prompts as I think of them.  Twitter (I know the name at least) has an entire community on adoption and so I'm wanting to learn from people on there to see what the conversations are about and then I'm going to share this with all of you and we are going to dialogue about it.  I'm excited about this.

This life is about connection.  This life is about love.  This life is about loving and connecting.  We all hold adoption in a very special place in our hearts, so I'm asking you all to open up to me.  Don't be afraid to respond to the prompts.  I'm going to watch the comments and I'm going to filter them, and if I feel that someone is slamming someone else, I'm not going to post the response.  This is a safe zone, so let's get real with each other and open it up.  This is a dream of mine.  You know how you have those childhood dreams and then you grow up and life gets in the way and you end up becoming "something" for the sake of paying the bills and you forgot your dream?  Yeah, it took me a long time to figure out how to facilitate my dream.  I've always wanted peace.  I've always wanted people to feel loved and not forsaken.  I've always believed that we all have something to say.  I don't want to be a social worker because I get too emotionally involved and that wouldn't be healthy for me.  Yes, I'm pursuing education and I can't wait.  But ultimately, my dream is to connect with as many people as I can and share my story with them and have them share their stories with me and through this sharing, the world becomes more understanding.  So, help me out with that.

To start off the open dialogue.  If you have questions about anything relating to adoption (or not adoption, but something else) and you want it to be discussed, PLEASE leave me a comment on my most recent post and ask me about it.  And if you see someone ask a question and you have an answer to it, respond to them.  If you are on Twitter, let's find each other.  If I talk about something and I don't elaborate on it enough (hard to believe for this wordy one *pointing at self*) don't hesitate to push me on the topic.  This blog is as much for you as it is for me.  So, let's start communicating and let's grow the conversation on adoption.  This is an exciting time in history for adoption, it is opening up more and more each day and records are being made available when they weren't available before.  Let's help the progress along.  With a combined effort, I know we can do this.  So, share with me.  I open the blogging floor up to you.


My best regards,
Other Mother/Kathryn

Reality

I was laying in bed last night thinking about so many things.  I had a massive headache from my classes, it was a headache that could only be brought on by a discussion steeped in German Philosophy... quite horrifying, really.  I bailed on my math class because my vision was blurry from my headache, so I wanted to be able to drive home while it was still somewhat light out.  I got home and I laid down for a bit with a washcloth on my eyes and I was contemplating whether or not homework was really necessary (for last night) and I decided it wasn't.  So, at about 10:30 I decided it was time to go to sleep.  Again, pounding head to the point of tears, so I took some Tylenol P.M. and called it a night.

Before I drifted to sleep, and while the pounding in my head subsided, and while I was still feeling pretty defeated by my headache, I had the sad thought is this really my life?  Have you ever felt so completely defeated that you question the reality of your life?  It was an unreal moment.  A flood of thoughts rampaged through my head and they left me feeling even more out of sorts and emotional in a very discomforting way.  I felt anger start to creep in.  And, of course, it's always to be angry at God, because He's such an easy "idea" to place all of life's stuff on, as well as all the blame that comes along with life's stuff.

I laid there wondering is this what the product of serious emotional abuse is?  A person who is so incapable of living a healthy adult life that she only survives from day to day?  I know, really depressing, right?  And then I started thinking about all the men I dated before Baby Daddy and the absolute jerks that they were.  Before I go any further, I will let you know that this post is not about man bashing.  It is not a post about the superiority of one gender over the other.  This is a post of recognition.  Seriously, the guys I dated were players and they progressively got worse with each new guy.  They made me feel grateful to be "noticed" by them, even though I wasn't the only female they were "noticing", if you know what I mean.  And they were all dangerous in one way or another.  And as I thought about this last night, the anger in me became stronger.  And then I thought about Baby Daddy and the life I thought I was going to have with him until I found out who he really was and then I thought about what my life has turned into.  I'm a birth mother.

I'm a birth mother.  It was like for the first time ever, those words sunk in deep and I felt all the emotions I've felt the last 2 years flood and overwhelm me.  And I cried.  I cried hard.  And I thought to myself, is this really my life?  To always feel this?  Is there no other outcome for me than the memory of this?  And then I thought about a future that I've been dreaming up for the last couple of years and how beautiful it is and the light it brought to my heart and the potential reality that, because of a huge portion of my actions, I may never know that future that has been a light in the dark that life sometimes feels like.  And I cried even more and even harder.  I cried so hard that my hair was soaked from my tears.  I thought is this all I will ever know from here on, is this sorrow?  It's destroying me.  I stopped and stared straight ahead into the dark of my room and the next thought surprised me, there is more here than sorrow.  Sorrow is not your future if you don't want it to be.


Such a simple thought, yes?  And so true.  So, now is the time to recognize reality.  Yes, I've trusted men who didn't deserve my trust, and yes I've loved a couple of those men who did not deserve the light of my love.  Yes, I'm a birth mother and it hurts to miss my child.  And yes, I will periodically feel this hurt so deeply that it hurts to breathe, and it will hit me when I least expect it.  Yes, my path in life so far has been difficult and there are still difficult times ahead.  Yes, a future I'd been dreaming of is potentially out of my reach because of my actions in hurting it.  But that's not all there is to me, not if I don't want it to be.

Yes, in past cases, I trusted certain men who didn't deserve my trust, but I've learned a valuable lesson from it.  Yes, I've been betrayed by those men I naively trusted and even loved, but I still have hope in mankind enough to believe and know that there are still trust-worthy people out there.  There is no sorrow in love, even if it is mis-placed.  Love is love and this world could definitely use more of it.  And yes, since them, I've known a deeper kind of love and I'm blessed to have known it because it has forever changed my life (I speak of Baby Boy here, and Mango).  Yes, I placed my child for adoption and I miss him every day.  Yes, he is adjusted and that adjustment is not with me, but that's how it should be.  Yes, life is not always going to be easy, but it's not supposed to be and I'm strong so I'll do good in life.  And yes, I still believe in that future that is light to my heart.  Yes, to obtain that future is going to take a lot of work, but it is obtainable.  The first step is recognizing reality.

We are birth mothers.  This is not a death sentence.  It's just a truth.  Joy comes to all.  And we all have a future that is of our making.  There is strength in this knowledge.  Yes, my future could potentially be dark and angry, but only if I choose to see that life happens to me, and not the other way around.  It's got a different feel doesn't it, just in saying it?  Try it.  Life happens to me and I don't have a say in how it happens vs. I happen to life and I take ownership of myself and my actions and whatever comes from them, I own it.  It's not a solve all, but it is helpful.  We are strength.  We are vision.  We are love.  We are blessed.  Take ownership of this strength because you are strength.

I Was a Guest Blogger

Hello Everyone,

I had the wonderful opportunity to be a guest blogger at Adoption: Share the Love, which is facilitated by a fellow birth mother, and she is amazing!  Really, she is doing so much good in the world of open-adoption.  I highly recommend you check her out.  If you want to read my interview, you can click on the following link:

http://adoptionsharethelove.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2012-04-09T09:21:00-07:00&max-results=7

I highly encourage you all to check out her other posts while visiting her site.  This is an exciting time in the history of adoption; so much positive energy is out there promoting the beautiful gift that is adoption.  The above blog is just one of many such instances.  Enjoy and God bless you all.

Sincerely,
Other Mother/Kathryn