I was laying in bed last night thinking about so many things. I had a massive headache from my classes, it was a headache that could only be brought on by a discussion steeped in German Philosophy... quite horrifying, really. I bailed on my math class because my vision was blurry from my headache, so I wanted to be able to drive home while it was still somewhat light out. I got home and I laid down for a bit with a washcloth on my eyes and I was contemplating whether or not homework was really necessary (for last night) and I decided it wasn't. So, at about 10:30 I decided it was time to go to sleep. Again, pounding head to the point of tears, so I took some Tylenol P.M. and called it a night.
Before I drifted to sleep, and while the pounding in my head subsided, and while I was still feeling pretty defeated by my headache, I had the sad thought is this really my life? Have you ever felt so completely defeated that you question the reality of your life? It was an unreal moment. A flood of thoughts rampaged through my head and they left me feeling even more out of sorts and emotional in a very discomforting way. I felt anger start to creep in. And, of course, it's always to be angry at God, because He's such an easy "idea" to place all of life's stuff on, as well as all the blame that comes along with life's stuff.
I laid there wondering is this what the product of serious emotional abuse is? A person who is so incapable of living a healthy adult life that she only survives from day to day? I know, really depressing, right? And then I started thinking about all the men I dated before Baby Daddy and the absolute jerks that they were. Before I go any further, I will let you know that this post is not about man bashing. It is not a post about the superiority of one gender over the other. This is a post of recognition. Seriously, the guys I dated were players and they progressively got worse with each new guy. They made me feel grateful to be "noticed" by them, even though I wasn't the only female they were "noticing", if you know what I mean. And they were all dangerous in one way or another. And as I thought about this last night, the anger in me became stronger. And then I thought about Baby Daddy and the life I thought I was going to have with him until I found out who he really was and then I thought about what my life has turned into. I'm a birth mother.
I'm a birth mother. It was like for the first time ever, those words sunk in deep and I felt all the emotions I've felt the last 2 years flood and overwhelm me. And I cried. I cried hard. And I thought to myself, is this really my life? To always feel this? Is there no other outcome for me than the memory of this? And then I thought about a future that I've been dreaming up for the last couple of years and how beautiful it is and the light it brought to my heart and the potential reality that, because of a huge portion of my actions, I may never know that future that has been a light in the dark that life sometimes feels like. And I cried even more and even harder. I cried so hard that my hair was soaked from my tears. I thought is this all I will ever know from here on, is this sorrow? It's destroying me. I stopped and stared straight ahead into the dark of my room and the next thought surprised me, there is more here than sorrow. Sorrow is not your future if you don't want it to be.
Such a simple thought, yes? And so true. So, now is the time to recognize reality. Yes, I've trusted men who didn't deserve my trust, and yes I've loved a couple of those men who did not deserve the light of my love. Yes, I'm a birth mother and it hurts to miss my child. And yes, I will periodically feel this hurt so deeply that it hurts to breathe, and it will hit me when I least expect it. Yes, my path in life so far has been difficult and there are still difficult times ahead. Yes, a future I'd been dreaming of is potentially out of my reach because of my actions in hurting it. But that's not all there is to me, not if I don't want it to be.
Yes, in past cases, I trusted certain men who didn't deserve my trust, but I've learned a valuable lesson from it. Yes, I've been betrayed by those men I naively trusted and even loved, but I still have hope in mankind enough to believe and know that there are still trust-worthy people out there. There is no sorrow in love, even if it is mis-placed. Love is love and this world could definitely use more of it. And yes, since them, I've known a deeper kind of love and I'm blessed to have known it because it has forever changed my life (I speak of Baby Boy here, and Mango). Yes, I placed my child for adoption and I miss him every day. Yes, he is adjusted and that adjustment is not with me, but that's how it should be. Yes, life is not always going to be easy, but it's not supposed to be and I'm strong so I'll do good in life. And yes, I still believe in that future that is light to my heart. Yes, to obtain that future is going to take a lot of work, but it is obtainable. The first step is recognizing reality.
We are birth mothers. This is not a death sentence. It's just a truth. Joy comes to all. And we all have a future that is of our making. There is strength in this knowledge. Yes, my future could potentially be dark and angry, but only if I choose to see that life happens to me, and not the other way around. It's got a different feel doesn't it, just in saying it? Try it. Life happens to me and I don't have a say in how it happens vs. I happen to life and I take ownership of myself and my actions and whatever comes from them, I own it. It's not a solve all, but it is helpful. We are strength. We are vision. We are love. We are blessed. Take ownership of this strength because you are strength.
Kathryn, this is deep. As a father of more than one child, I can tell you that the love that you feel for your child, will be paid back to you ten-fold, either through having more children (through birth, or adoption) when the time comes.
ReplyDeleteI often thought when we were expecting our 2nd child, "Will I love this one as much as our 1st born?" I had come to love and adore my little girl so much that I just didn't know if it was possible to love another little baby just as much, then the 3rd came, and then our 4th... It never seizes to amaze me the love that all my children have brought me, and the ability to repeat that love over, and over again.
You did something even more special that will pay you 100-fold... you gave that gift to another family whom by their own life's circumstances couldn't create that life on their own, but could provide a loving life for him.
My intention is to give you hope for what is to come.
These little ones have provided a light in the darkest trials of my life, as your's has to you. I think that when the time comes, and you are a mother to another child, you will be a great one.
I never understood why men could be so cruel and reckless in their relationships. The only thought that comes to my mind is mental immaturity on their part.
The only thing that I don't have experience in, is in falling in love again, and I hope that the same kind of love that repeats itself with each one of my children, can happen repeat itself with a new love.
I love reading your blog. Your words pull me in. By the way, for headaches I take Exedrin Migraine, and a Coca-Cola, 20 minutes of meditation, and it's gone. :)
Note: this reply is to you, but it's okay if you post it. If you choose to respond through email, my email is omsrules@live.com, or truckerjunk@gmail.com
I really appreciate your kind words. I appreciate your recognition of what I've said. Thank you for your support. It really means a lot to me. So, thank you.
ReplyDeleteI recently found you're blog and can relate to a lot of what you say, I have been going back through all your posts and this one hit home this week. I am a birthmom of a 10 month old beautiful little girl and this week I have been feeling exactly like this, like I will never be able to be completely happy again. So thank you for reminding me that good times will come
ReplyDeleteMadison, I promise you that the good times will come and as more time goes by, the good times last longer and longer each time. Ten months is so fresh. I remember it. Just be sure to feel ally our emotions fully. Don't hide them. Give yourself time to feel them because they aren't the kind you want to bury deep. I hope to hear more from you and I'm glad that my words touched you. Please, don't be a stranger here. This is a place where you can emote and not fear discouragement to your thoughts and feelings.
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