Have you ever been so exhausted that your soul has no words left to speak? As if that makes any sense at all. The only way I can explain it would be... the complete inability to converse with anyone outside of basic, shallow, and meaningless dialogue. In the last 4 days, I've worked 46 hours and I worked over the weekend as well. My boss is giving me more cases at work and I keep taking them because I am looking for every excuse I can find to not have to go home at night because there is nothing to go home to. Come the end of the day... I am so spent that I'm not even capable of... forming words into sentences that carry any weight or importance. I drive to work every morning looking forward to pissing off the clients involved in the cases that I handle because the one thing I am capable of speaking is anger and hurt and so I fight with them and let them know how bad they are screwing up their children's lives for their own selfish vindictive behavior at getting back at one another. I should be careful, otherwise I might lose my job... nah, my boss would never get rid of me, I'm underpaid and overworked... it's a good deal for her.
I am surrounded by divorce every day. Hour after hour I listen to husbands and wives argue about who gets the ice-scraper, or... the blender, but none of them seem to be too concerned over whether or not their 5 year old who is desperately acting out to get their attention and who is being used as collateral in the divorce should get counseling. No... they ignore their angelic 5 year old who is waiting out in the lobby with me listening to her parent's argue over the ice-scraper. And we- me and her- listen to music and color and she talks to me about the two of us turning into unicorns at night and flying away together so that we can be a family and then she tells me, "I wish you were my mother because you laugh at my jokes. You laugh and if you were my mother, we would be happy." And I want to scoop her up into my arms and run away with her and take care of her and protect her against her own parents who are now being restrained by their attorney's from attacking one another. I know what you're thinking, I'm making this all up. But the thing is that I'm not making up any of this. This is what I am surrounded by... all day for 5 days a week, only this last weekend I took a bunch of binders home so that I could research the therapeutic goals of another child in one of my cases and whether or not her parent's are even taking her to therapy. It's disgusting... because they aren't and she is suffering.
And, I think I'm done with it all. The risk, that is. I'm beginning to think that happiness in marriage is all based on luck. Either you find that person that you... like, the two of you work together so well that the teamwork of the marriage occurs naturally- not effortlessly- but naturally enough to where the disagreements... aren't the focus, but the thing that makes your marriage stronger because in the eternal picture, they are just disagreements and can be worked through. If that makes any sense. But how often does that really happen? I want that to happen and I thought that it was and then something happened that I don't even know where to start explaining because it hit me out of nowhere and I'm... I'm defeated. And... my soul is at a loss for words. I don't want to feel this way ever again. I apologize now, perhaps a little too late, but this post... it's going to be effing depressing, but I have to get these... I have to get this out.
I have lost too many people in my life to risk opening up anymore. And I give up. It's not just a matter of losing people either. Losing loved ones is a tragedy, but what you never expect is the piece of yourself you lose along with that loved one... you never see that coming, no matter how often it happens. Before you know it, there isn't anything left of you to lose... you're just a shell. What happens when that shell breaks? That's what scares me the most. I don't know that answer and I don't want to find out what that answer is, but I feel it's close and so I choose to no longer open up. And, please... please don't offer me words of encouragement or words of wisdom because I'm not looking for that. I just... I need to protect myself. I don't trust too many people, but I want to, but... I keep learning over and over again that more often than not... people don't deserve your trust... they don't know how delicate it is and they... don't know how delicate a thing trust is and so I'm done. I'm done offering my trust, hoping it won't be shattered... just to have it trampled on and I think this is a good thing. I've thought about it a lot and I will be fine alone. I'll be fine alone. I think it's safer that way.
I am sorry you work in such a negative environment...it does start to weigh on you heavily.
ReplyDeleteJust last week, a friend of ours from college (whom we don't see anymore) posted on Facebook: "...I am going to court to divorce my best friend". They have twin girls. He followed it up with: "...It's too bad that it didn't work out the way we had hoped, but sometimes life is like that. Sooner or later you have to face facts and move on. I wish her all the happiness in the world.".
I had never seen two people approach divorce with such dignity...why couldn't the entire world work like that?! I saw two divorces in my husband's family go down similar to your discription...harsh words...hatred...the other person is always wrong.
I hope that your shell fills up again soon. You are right...when it is empty, it is more prone to be broken. When it is full, it is stronger.
((Hugs))
Thank you KT.
ReplyDeleteJust like you, I am also a birth mother. I placed my 2nd daughter for adoption on September 5,2007; however I am also a single mom of the most amazing 9 yr little girl. Her dad started a custody case in June of 2008. This post hit me square in the middle of my heart. It is so sad how pathetic people are. It is sad that people do things with the intention of hurting another person and they use the child as collateral to hurt the other person without even being able to see that the child is the one that is being damaged. I finally have a trial date in September, next month, I can't wait. It will be nice for my ex to look like a retard and that he has done it all on his own. It hurts me to be told that I can't talk to my daughter because "the law says" that he gets two weeks uniterrupted. Seriously, it doesn't hurt someone to let their child speak on the phone for 5 minutes; in the end what matters is to see a smile on your childs face because they were able to talk to the other parent. It is pathetic, it is an act of one who is hardhearted. My daughter is in counseling and goes every other week, she has for almost 2 yrs, her dad cancelled her appointment last week, because"it didn't fit into his schedule". I didn't know that her appointment was cancelled until I got a call from the therapist; her dad told me that he is in charge of his home and his family, that he is an adult and can rearrange things that do not work out for him.
ReplyDeleteI guess I pour this out to you, to agree with this post, it is pathetic really. It does no good. I ache every night when my daughter is gone for her 4 week summer visit. My heart hurts at times for my daughter that I placed for adoption and then I remember the case that I am in and I remember that I am grateful that she doesn't have to go through this mud, that she has a mom and a dad that live in the same house. If I could somehow bottle up the pain, the money, the time, the pain of my daughters heart and share it with those that are in unplanned pregnancies, my hope would be to hopefully have them see that adoption isn't the"easy" way out, but the healthy option and that trying to coparent with someone that you don't really get along with is virtually impossible. Thanks for sharing.
carlykins, thank you so much for sharing what you shared. I think that when people who are outside of the realmof divorce think about divorce, they think that it's an easy thing to accomplish and that once the marriage is dissolved that everything will be happy and sunshine and butterflies... unfortunately, if their are children involved, you are still having to "deal" with the other parent until that child is of legal age. Divorce isn't easy, but it's even more difficult when there are children involved. Thank you for sharing you experience here. I think that divorce, like open adoption, is very misunderstood to people who aren't directly involved in the experience themselves. You have a very strong voice and have the ability to educate people by sharing what you've experienced and learned. Thank you so much for sharing part of your story on my blog. Good luck with everything, my dear, and always remember that when it doesn't seem worth it (all the hardship) that there is an angelic child involved. Thank you for sharing with me.
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