The Emerald City

When I was a child my favorite movie was The Wizard of Oz. I remember being five years old and telling my mom that she was wrong when she named me my name because I was supposed to be named Dorothy and I remember pleading with her to change my name and she always told me the same thing, "Other Mother, when you are older, if you feel the same way then you can change your name."

I remember an incident at a shoe store with my mom when I was the tender age of six. I had my heart set on this pair of red high heels but my mom refused to buy them for me. They were beautiful and I wanted them... no, it was more of a need. I needed these red heels. My mom would not budge and I had a total melt down. I used to be jealous of people who were born in the month of May - for the longest time I was jealous of people born in the month of May because their gem stone is the emerald. If you couldn't tell by now, I've had an unhealthy fascination with Dorothy and her adventure(s) in the Land of Oz for quite some time.

I lived in Missouri for three years of my childhood and I loved it out there because it was so green. Humid, but so very green. I felt as though that was the closest to the Emerald City that I would ever get because I was surrounded by green and, as sickly fascinated by the World of Oz as I was, I was no dumby- I knew there was no such place made entirely of emerald, but all the same I still deeply wished there was. There were so many trees around where we lived and they were huge adult trees... in fact, I remember calling them Grandpa trees because they were bigger than adult trees and I loved to climb them. My family is Mormon and during the time we lived in Missouri... how should I put this? Mormons and Baptists, for whatever reason, do not get along and we were surrounded by Baptists. My first grade teacher was Baptist and she hated me... and I'm not exaggerating when I say this. She always made degrading comments towards me. She would say things like, "Disgraceful child! No wonder you're wild, you filthy Mormon." And she often times called me the Heathen Mormon from Utah in front of the entire class and would make me stand in the corner as she taught the class about the rebel Mormons that settled the heathen state of Utah and how I must be punished and humiliated because I don't believe in Christ.

I wish I was making this up, but I'm not. It's horrifying to know that people really do hate in the name of religion, but it exists and I've experienced it first hand. I was hardly ever allowed to play at recess because I could never do right by Mrs. Allenbaugh (and just so you know, I haven't given her a different name to protect her identity). No matter how perfect I would write out my letters or read from the beginner books in class (I was at top of my class for reading), she would always find something wrong, which meant I usually went without recess. Furthermore, she was always punishing me to the extent that I often stayed after school to clean toilets with the janitor. He was a really great guy.

When I would get home from school, I would go out and play with my friends. All of our play occurred out side. Basketball, Hide-and-Seek, Cops and Robbers, Sardines- anything and everything- but my favorite activity was when we would climb trees and imagine worlds that were above the ground. We would be up in the trees for hours... those of us who were stallworts that is. Oftentimes, I would be the last one left in the tree and I still wouldn't come down for a while. The trees were safety because I was hidden. From where I sat, I could see everything and still remain unseen... and everything was green. Have you ever stared at leaves in the trees? Have you ever laid on your back on the ground and stared at individual leaves in the trees? When the sun shines through them, they glow like emeralds in the light. If I had been given the option to live in a tree as a child, I would have taken it in a heart beat. I would lay back on a thick branch and dream of being in Oz... or Wonderland... but most days, it was Oz and I was in the Emerald City and I was Dorothy and no one hated me, instead they loved me because they knew that I was going to make things better. I love trees.

You are probably wondering, "What is Other Mother thinking?" What I'm thinking is that I should have spent more time in the trees when I was a child. I've been thinking about this for days now. I've been experiencing some... I've been under a lot of... I've been rather stressed lately and it is taking all I have to not run away. The scary thing about that last sentance is that it's true... it's taken all I have to not run away. I just found out about a serious illness of a dear friend of mine who is my age, my job is destroying my soul, my boss won't give me a raise and is giving me even more work every day, I want to get back into school but can't afford it, my boss won't allow me to take any vacation time because as she says, "I need you here every day babe, sick or not." I have to find a new place to live in about 2.5 weeks, otherwise I am homeless. I'm working 10-11 hour days with no breaks and no lunches, my only break being a bathroom break in the late afternoon that I milk for all it's worth as I stand- yes stand- in a bathroom stall facing the corner and zoning out for 10 minutes. And to top everything off, I said some things to some people that I care about that were horrible and... completely unecessary. I'm worn out and exhausted and just broke up with the greatest man I have ever known because... I broke under all the pressure and I took it out on him. The worse thing, though, is that I did this to him at a time in his life when he needed me the most.

All I've been able to think about is how badly I wish I would have spent more time in trees as a child. I've thought long and hard about this for about a week now, as well as played over every second in my brain how badly I hurt the man I love most and hoped to spend the rest of my life with... and the one thing that makes any sense at all to me is that trees are meant to be climbed. I should have spent more time in the trees as a child.