Families Supporting Adoption Conference 2010

I have known about this year's FSA conference since January and have been so excited to attend. I went to speak with my boss the beginning of July about getting this past Friday off so that I could attend and she told me that she couldn't risk not having me in the office because another co-worker had already asked for the time off. Needless to say, I was extremely ticked off because the co-worker who was out this last week is never in, in the first place. I used to refer to her as Wednesday-Virus-Girl and now I just refer to her as Infested-Walking-Plague-Woman, seeming as she is never at the office due to all of her various illnesses... every single week. So, I bitterly continued to do my work throughout July while dealing with many other emotional explosions in every aspect of my personal life. This last week, on Tuesday, I went in to my boss and told her, "I completed everything that needs to be done for the week, yesterday, and all my cases are current, I will have the parent time calendars out by Thursday, and I have made sure that there will be phone coverage all day on Friday as well as someone here to assist you in mediatons. I wanted to inform you of this and confirm with you that I will not be in the office on Friday because this adoption conference is something that is very important for me to attend. I need and deserve to go to this conference." She looked at me a little surprised, asked a couple of questions regarding specific deadlines for the week, to which I put her fears to rest as everything that needed to go out went out the previous day and then she said, "Enjoy the conference on Thursday."

I completely enjoyed the conference. I met so many amazing people. I learned so much about every aspect of adoption. I sat in on a Birth-Father panel and listened to men speak about their experience and perspective as a birth father and it was extremely touching. A man on the panel said something that struck me deep inside. He said, "Even though a father doesn't go through the physical changes that a mother does during a pregnancy, inside the father is racing." That was so powerful for me to hear. As a birth mother it is easy to take on the attitude of hatred and disgust towards the one who helped to get her pregnant and I have seen it so many times in various birth mothers that I've come across where they hate the birth father... and every other man they come in contact with, for that matter. In a case such as mine, some would say that I have very right to hate Baby Daddy because of how our relationship ended and the fact that he wasn't there throughout the pregnancy... but, that was my choice. He never knew I was pregnant and maybe that was wrong of me to keep from him. Some birth mothers I've met view the pregnancy as the man's fault. I think that perhaps they forgot that very important lesson in life science that... it takes two to make a baby. I never hated Baby Daddy. I was extremely hurt by him and the hurt I feel has been somewhat damaging to a certain degree... but, I got the best part of him and I feel sorry for him that because of the lifestyle... the very dangerous lifestyle he leads (if he's even alive anymore) he will never know the feeling of holding a child that you created for the first time. I don't hate him. And, I was fully aware of the risk I took every time Baby Daddy and I had relations together. Listening to the birth fathers on the panel helped me to understand the delicacy that comes along with being a birth father. Being a birth father is just as delicate and emotional as being a birth mother.

I also went to a seminar on Infertility that really opened up my eyes. Infertility is not something I will fully be able to comprehend, but it helped me to fully appreciate the couple who adopted Baby Boy. My greatest fear while getting to know families was that whoever I chose would never love my son as much as I did because he wasn't them... if that makes any sence at all. Sitting in this seminar on Infertility, I have a whole new perspective about adoption couples. They love the adoptive child like their own because they have wanted this child for so long and have dreamed about growing their family for so long! I can't imagine the sorrow that comes along with each negative pregnancy test... all their friends who are having children, the snide remarks from people who should keep their nose out of it, "Stop stressing so much and you'll get pregnant," "Just relax and it will happen on it's own," "You should do a clense. I bet that's the problem," "You really want children that bad? Take mine! I'm envious of the time you have on your hands." The insensitivity is enough to drive a person insane, I'm sure! I have so much more love and respect for these couples because their desire to want children and all the pain and hardship and let-downs that they go through... the sorrow that they experience... for girls like me who find themselves in a place they never expected to be, these couples are our angels. These couples are capable of more love than I will ever understand.

I was also able to attend a seminar on Adoption Advocacy. Talk about lighting a fire within your soul! I learned so many amazing ways to advocate for open adoption and I can't wait to start implementing them. Utah is such a perfect place to advocate for adoption, but I am so excited for when I move out to New York to start advocating out there. And, as a birth mother, I have so much to give. I am not afraid to share my story... even though it is riddled with so much sorrow and pain, it is the happiest story of my life. How could I not share my angel and his beginning with others? He saved me. He is my new beginning. He is my... everything. Girls who find themselves in the position I was in 18 months ago deserve to know that they have other options. They deserve to know that they can live and let live and bring so much joy to the world at the same time. As a birth mother, that is my mission and I am so excited to begin.

This conference rejuvinated me. It was like a splash of cold water in the morning after the long and horrifying sleep that July was. I found my spark again and my soul is burning bright with solid light. Open adoption is a gift! It's the chance at a new start for girls who have lost their way in the world and found that they aren't anywhere near where they had dreamed to be as a little girl. It's the gift of life for the child created. More importantly... it's the gift of family to a couple that wants nothing more than to have a child. Open adoption is a blessed gift! And, I am ready to share this message with people who don't know about it. I feel alive again. Good things are coming. I can feel it.