Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

I have had so much on my mind lately it's... overwhelming. Have you ever felt stuck? Of course you have, we all have. What a silly question. But, you know, it's not that I feel stuck. I don't feel stuck. I'm not drowning. For the first time in a really long time, I don't feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water... and I don't feel like the world is crashing down or caving in on me... I don't feel like there isn't enough air to suck in at an anxious rate. I feel... not a whole lot. I feel... what do I feel? Bored? No. What is it? I feel stagnant.

You know when you are outside and the summer sun is beating down on you and you love the warmth of the sun, but you wish there would at least be a light breeze? And then the breeze comes and you are thankful... and you can smell lilacs which always brings comfort because even if you can't see the lilac bush, you know there's one nearby. And then far off you hear the drum of thunder and you get excited deep in your heart and for the first time in decades a butterfly is let lose in the pit of your stomach and you hope it rains- not just any rain- but an all consuming thunderstorm that can bring life and destruction all at the same moment. And so you hope for rain. And then the rain comes and it's more fierce than you expected and the wind whips your hair cruelly and you are left feeling small and insignificant and like you are going to be torn away from solid ground. And after what feels like endless ages, the storm finally passes and all is quiet and after time you return to a sense of normalcy, whatever normal is.

And then days go by, and it's hot again and you feel like you are going to melt and you notice a puddle and the puddle is a brownish-puke color and there are pieces of grass floating in it and someone's bubble-gum wrapper and then you notice the funky smell of old water and you here mosquitos buzzing around and you begin to itch and wish for a light breeze and another rain storm... only there is no breeze and no rain, just a nasty puddle that is a prime nesting pit for mosquitos and disease with garbage in it. The water in this puddle has no life, no change, no peace, no power, no awe... just stinky water and mosquitos. That's how I feel right now. Stagnant. No opportunity for growth. No opportunity for change. No healing. No... anything, only nothing.

The thought occurred to me today that I actually love my job. I love what I do for work, I do not love how I am treated by my fellow employees. Well, a couple of them are great. My boss is an amazing woman, she took me on as an employee under conditions that most prospective employers would stear clear of- equal right employment opportunity or not- I was pregnant and single and she took me on as an employee. I am eternally grateful to her for this. However, I am still looking for new employment.

I've been toying around with the idea of moving to another state to become a nanny. I have some really good friends in the state that I am considering and I am desperate for change. I've been scared of this desire to move because I keep second guessing myself thinking that the desire resides in my "need" to run away but this time I'm not running from anything. Everything feels like it is as it should be and I'm happy about this. But, I'm not growing, I'm not doing anything but working and existing. That's not enough. There was a time where existing was enough and that was right after I placed Baby Boy for adoption. That was a hard time and existing was difficult, but I existed and now existing isn't enough- now it's time to live. This makes more sense in my head, I think. I hope that I am expressing my thoughts clearly enough. I don't feel like I'm living and I want to live. I've started to make a bucket list, not of events I want to do before I die, but a bucket list for the next year. Simple things that people take for granted, but that scare the living daylights out of me. And, I'll save that for another blog, but the point I'm making is that it's time to move away from Utah for a bit and live and learn.

On Monday I will be contacting a nanny agency that places in New York and Connecticut. Ideally, I would love to find a contract that lasts only 6 months, but I would take one that lasts 9 months also. My goal is to pay my car off and other small debt and then move to California with a dear friend of mine, we'll call her Freedom because that's what it's like to be around her. And, then I'll find a job out there and look into getting back in school. This is my life and I'm going to take it as it comes, but most importantly, I'm going to love every second of it. For right now, this is what I want to do and I'm basing this on what I feel is best for me. I used to base the next event of my life on what other's around me would do for their next move and that is very difficult and stressful. I am now taking my own life into my own hands and I'm going to live and experience and learn and write... I'm going to write. I can't wait. It's going to be good.

Good night dear readers and good night Baby Boy. You are my greatest inspiration Child of my Heart, you have been my greatest adventure.

Love,

your birth mother