"No warning sign, no alibi, we faded faster than the speed of light- took our chance, crashed and burned, no we'll never ever learn. I fell apart, but got back up again and then I fell apart, but got back up again..."-- Alibi by 30 Seconds to Mars
Grief is like the ocean. I am floating and at peace with the depth that my life has become and at times I am intimidated that I can't see the bottom, but I continue to float. Sometimes the water gets restless and I become anxious, but I am never overcome. And I float. And sometimes the sky becomes angry and rains down on me and I can only stare into the face of it's anger, fully understanding it's rage, but not able to ignore it because the rain will come and there is no stopping it. And I float. Then there are the times where the sea inside of me will not be calmed
and I am swallowed whole by it's waves. These waves come and they overpower and I struggle to reach the top. I struggle. I struggle to keep my head above the water, all the while holding my breath because it hurts to breathe in the wave. As quickly as the wave comes, it ceases and I am left weak in it's aftermath, no longer able to move a muscle and so I float. I float in the silence of the sea that swells inside of me, never knowing when it will overcome me again.
I will always love you my dear, sweet, angelic baby boy.
Love,
your birth mother
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