I have always loved religious hymns. I have played the piano for 14 years now and piano players were hard to come by in my family ward where I grew up and so when I was 14 years old I was given a calling in my church to play for the ward choir. Since that time, I have now played for 4 ward choirs and I love church hymns. A lot of people turn to the scriptures when they are going through hard times, but I've always resorted to reading hymns, which to me are like prayers. True, I need to read my scriptures more often, and in doing so I know I will be granted spiritual insight from my father in heaven, but for the time being, I turn to the hymns.
Today, the Sunday School lesson was talking about how we are created in the image of our Heavenly Father. The hymn we sang at the opening of class was, "O, My Father." I've always loved this song, but the third verse particularly stuck out to me today as I've been thinking a lot about motherhood, lately. It goes, "I had learned to call thee Father, thru thy spirit from on high. But, until the key of knowledge was restored, I knew not why. In the heavens are parents single? No, the thought makes reason stare! Truth is reason; reason eternal tells me I've a mother there." I have never spent a lot of time thinking about a heavenly mother and today, at the close of this hymn, tears were streaming from my eyes.
I've had so much anxiety lately thinking about being away from my son, and that's to be expected because I love him and I miss him. Along with this anxiety, I've experienced so much frustration with myself because I know that baby boy is better off growing up in a household with two parent's who can provide for him. But, the anxiety is still there, and that is frustrating to me. So, like this explanation, I've been caught in this circle of anxiety and frustration, and this last week and a half has been a hard one. Worrying about the safety and happiness and well-being of your child comes along with the title of parent, regardless of whether or not you are parenting your child. Once you have a baby, your life will never be the same, you will always be striving to achieve the best for your baby. Eventually that baby becomes a child, and that child becomes an adolescent; and eventaully that adolescent becomes an adult and with each new stage of life, they are granted more power in directing the path of their own life. The recognition of this knowledge brings about more concern for the parent involved because, as a parent, you always worry whether or not you taught them enough of the good to get them through the difficult. Having explained all of this, I can't imagine how our mother in heaven must feel.
I believe that in the place we were before this life, there came a time where our heavenly parent's were faced with this same dilemma. Eventually, their children (me and you) came to a point in their development where they had to be let go so that they could incoporate the lessons they were taught into their own lives and in order for this to happen, they needed to be seperated from their parent's for a time. Of course, their parent's are always there for them to turn to, but it's different from when they were little because now the problems and hurts are bigger and more lasting, and all the parent's can do is watch from a distance, so to speak, constantly praying and hoping that their child's latest hurt won't be so devastating that the child can't find their way back to the parent.
I miss my heavenly mother. I can't wait to see her again and to be held by her and comforted and just like a toddler explaining a horrifying dream to their mother who is holding them, I will explain to her the difficulties I faced here and she will comfort me and tell me that I am safe at home in her arms and she will stroke my hair and tell me that she loves me and I will already know this because she is my other mother. I am blessed to have a mother like this here with me, a woman who I can always turn to when I'm weary with life's "stuff" and who always tells me how capable I am to make it through what I'm going through, even if I don't believe in myself... especially when I don't believe in myself.
I think that there are many people out there who don't understand the delicacies that come along with being a birth mother. I think that many people expect that the disconnection between a birth mother and her child happens at the moment of placement and that with placement, all the emotions and worries no longer occur because she is no longer the mother. This couldn't be further from the truth. I may not be raising my son, but I worry about him every second of every day. It hurts me to think that there will come times in his life when he will feel sorrow and pain and that I won't be able to be there to comfort him and help him through it. Instead, I will "watch" him from afar, praying and hoping for him to know joy and peace, and always hoping that his hurts won't be so devastating that he won't come back from them. I will always worry about him and I will always take immense pride in his accomplishments. I will always share his same pains and sorrows because he is my child and I am his mother, his other mother.
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