Lots of Questions

Do you know what I love about this song? Absolutely everything. I love the stark chords of the piano playing rhythmically and carrying the melody all on its own... it's very reflective. And then there is that other instrument, right at the beginning, it might be a guitar... whatever it is it adds this delicate dissonance to the piano that takes my breath away. I kid you not, my breath catches in my chest and I just listen. There are a couple different definitions of the word dissonance. It can mean a difference between one's actions and beliefs. It can be an instance of inconsistency or disagreement. But in music, dissonance is a clashing or mingling of discordant sounds that results in a sense of unresolved musicality. The opening of this song, whatever that second instrument is in the back, that plays along with the piano chords... it's dissonance is delicate and almost unfelt, but it's there all the same.

I think this is how life is sometimes. The clashes in life don't always have to be big or obvious... sometimes the most difficult ones are the ones that exist and are there but not "there" enough to even be able to explain them... but they are there all the same.

Then this voice enters in the song and he is beautiful. And the piano chords take on a soft echo and the song grows into more instruments and more voices. And then the chorus comes and all 4 voices combined sound like they are a bird in flight. Have you ever just watched a bird fly? Not just in passing, but actually stopped to watch a bird in flight? It's one of those amazingly inspiring things that leave you breathless. You watch the bird soar and it soars with strength and then it does aerial somersaults and dives and it is so astounding that it brings tears to your eyes. The chorus... is like that. And the song builds to this momentous moment and then quiets back down to one voice and then reverberates back with the strong and grounding chorus of all 4 voices. The song ends with one voice and the piano chords, only this time they are lower than when the song first started out and then the piano stops completely and you are left with the other instrument and it is... it's like it is vibrating inside of you, that's the only way I can explain it, and you feel it in your head and it is completely encompassing. I love this song for it's musicality, but I also love this song for it's lyrics:

"When you lose something, it's all that you want back. You waited patiently. But it don't work like that. When you lose someone, the first thing that goes through your head, is if you run fast enough, you just might catch up. But it don't work like that. You just gotta watch them fly. Stand there on the side line. Wanna swallow up your pride. Know it's gonna be alright. Wishing when I close your eyes with a kiss goodbye. Well the hardest part- yeah it hurts so bad- is when she spreads her wings, but it'd be a selfish thing to try and hold her back, but it don't work like that. You just gotta watch them fly. Stand there on the side line. Wanna swallow up your pride. Know it's gonna be alright. Wishing when I close your eyes like a kiss goodbye. When you lose something, it's all that you want back. You just gotta watch them fly. Stand there on the side lines. Wanna swallow up your pride, know it's gonna be alright, wishing i could close your eyes, with a kiss goodbye. Like a kiss goodbye."

This song has been on my mind lately. You know that quote that "if you love someone then let them go. If they return then you know it was meant to be, if they don't, then you know they were never yours to begin with." I've been thinking about that quote a lot lately, as well. "When you lose someone, the first thing that goes through your head, is if you run fast enough, you just might catch up. But it don't work like that." Does love ever end? Love for a specific someone? I don't think it does. Once you love someone, they are always in your heart. But what happens when you get to a place with that person where neither of you can talk to each other because of all that hurt that has passed between you both to one other? What happens then?

You don't want to let go because you love that person so much and you don't ever want them to think otherwise... and if you let go, they might think that you no longer love them. But, you also know that your loving them... is potentially hurting them now because of where you both are "now"... and you wonder how you ever got "here" and if it's possible to ever get back to "there". I don't think "back to there" is ever attainable, but the new "there" has got to be better than "here" and the old "there" because it means that you've worked through the difficult... and how amazing would that be, to be with someone that you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you can overcome anything with? And you believe it's possible, but you don't know if they do anymore and... that's your fault. And it is your fault, you are aren't just saying that, and you understand that now.

What is the best thing to do? You don't want to hurt them by holding on and forcing yourself in their lives, but you can't imagine letting them go. What do you do? These are questions that plague a birth mother's mind throughout her entire pregnancy... and I'm realizing that these questions will always be a part of my life... only this time they pertain to someone different, not Baby Boy. I love Baby Boy; I always will, but I know that he is happy and adjusted and in the best hands possible. These questions pertain to another. I love him. I always have loved him. I'm talking about Mango, folks. He's been a huge part of my life. I'm not going to go into details, but he and I don't talk anymore... and I miss him every day... every moment of every day, I miss him. I've tried to think of ways to convey what he means to me, but there literally is no way to do the feelings any justice. He's my "person". He's the part of me I've longed to find all of my life. He's my other penguin half... most penguins mate for life, in case you are wondering what penguins have to do with this post. He's my other penguin half and we aren't talking and... it's... I don't know what to do. I guess that's what this post is about. I don't even know if he's reading this right now.

I think that people try to understand single adults. I think that people have a genuine interest to understand single adults, but I don't think that they know how to talk to them effectively. All those things they say, "be the person you want to find", "just stop looking for love and then it will find you, out of the blue, you'll find someone," "just be your self..." as if I'm trying to be someone else other than who I am. These statements are not effective to say to a single adult when that person has found the person they want to spend all of eternity with, only things are so complicated between them that neither of them even know how to talk to each other anymore... but one of them, maybe both of them still love each other deeply. What is this post about? I have no idea. This is just me... expressing what's been on my mind lately. Love is complicated. It's much more complicated when you are a birth mother and the previous attempt with your future someone ended so painfully in the realization that "he" wasn't who you thought he was and you are now pregnant and you can't... you aren't one of those women who will single parent, so you place your child with someone else. The aftermath of adoption for a birth mother is riddled with learning how to open yourself up again and trusting someone completely again... but not just anyone like you did before... but someone who will cherish the sacredness of you and your history and your child that you don't parent. It's really hard to find that person. I found him and there are a number of excuses I could use to say why he got away, I could place false blame where it isn't deserved... but what it all comes down to is that he was chased away. That's the truth. I chased him away. So much regret...

This place that I'm in now was built by me. This place of distrust... it's of my own creation. Yes, rotten things have happened to me, but my decision to not move forward built this "home". I know the type of man I let get away... not just get away, I know the quality of human being that I chased away. And that's where I'm at. What happens now? Well, I'll tell you, not a second goes by where I don't have a prayer in my heart that I can somehow fix all the hurt I've done because he loved me too; he loved me deeply and I hurt him by my behavior and actions. So, I pray- every second of the day- I have a prayer in my heart that this can be fixed. I lay in my bed at night and I pray even harder. I wake up in the morning and my heart is breathing a prayer as I brush my teeth that... this, all of this, me, me and him, now, my future... that it can all be fixed. I could move on and look for someone else, but why would I? Why would I settle for second-best when I know the absolute "best" that already exists... and from my perspective... there isn't even any "second-bests" around.  Why would I look elsewhere when I know that my dream already exists in a man that I love deeply and he, at one point, loved me... and still might except we don't talk, so I don't know anymore..? It seems silly to look elsewhere. And so, that's where I'm at. I don't even know if this post has a solid stream of connecting thoughts, or if it is all as jumbled as everything I feel in my soul right now.

How do you let someone go when you can't imagine a future without them in it? This is where I am right now. Lots of questions and no way to answer them because they just "are".