Focusing on "The Now"

I'm at my parent's house this weekend.  I'm having some much needed time with some nieces and nephews.  I'm sitting here and I pulled up some pictures of Baby Boy when he was 4 months old and I was looking at them and loving his chunkiness.  The boy has leaned out dramatically over the last 2 years.  My niece- whom I'll call Little Bird, because she is precious like a little bird- came in to the room and asked me who the boy in the picture is.  Little Bird is 4 years old and she speaks with a heavy Finnish accent because she has spent majority of her life in Finland.  "Who is zat boya?" Little Bird asks.  I tell her "his name is [Baby Boy]."  She smiles and her eyes crinkle as she says, "Ahh, he iz zho cuteh!"  I laugh and I say "yes he is."  I showed her some pictures of when he was sealed to his family and I pointed to a picture with my family and his family and him, that was taken on that sacredly beautiful day and she asks "He'z famly iz in whi-eteh (white)."  And I told her "Yes, they were all dressed in white."  She asked me, "Do you not have bigger peecture of heem?"  And I asked her, "You mean as a grown up?"  She said, "Yes."  I told her that he isn't grown up yet and that he is only 2 years old and she responded "Oh, zho cuteh!  My baby iz 2."  And I responded, "Yes, you're baby sister is also 2 years old."  I showed Little Bird a more recent picture of Baby Boy and she exclaimed, "OH!  I know zis boya.  Grampa showed me heem and told me heem."  And I said, "Yes, that's Baby Boy.  And we have pictures of him."  She responded, "I luv heem."  And I told her, "I love him too.  And I love you."  And she responded by telling me the same thing.

I wish you could feel my heart right now.  One of my biggest fears when I was getting ready to place was how would I answer the questions of my nieces and nephews, and should I even answer them or should I let my siblings answer them?  What does a 4 year old understand about adoption... and is it my place to fill them in on adoption?  These and countless other questions plagued my mind.  Plagued.  Tonight, I learned something.  The point is not about adoption.  The point is not that Baby Boy was adopted.  The point is that he is loved by all who know of him.  A 4 year old doesn't really understand the concept of adoption fully and they don't need to.  But, one thing a 4 year old does know about is unadulterated love.  One of my other nieces, she remembers when I was pregnant.  She is also 4 years old.  And she remembers this necklace that I wore all the time after I was pregnant.  It was a simple chain with a tiny picture of Baby Boy on it, and a tiny gem stone signifying Baby Boy's birth month hanging with the picture, and it was given to me by Baby Boy's mother.  Sadly, I lost this necklace about 1 year ago.  But she remembers me wearing it almost every time she sees me and we hug, she tells me, "Umm, Kiki, you remember that picture around your neck of McKade?"  McKade is what I called Baby Boy over the course of his pregnancy and it is now his middle name.  I'm always shocked that she remembers McKade, because she was so small during my entire pregnancy, but she does remember him.  I tell her that I do remember the necklace.  She tells me, "McKade is so cute.  I love him."  I agree with her that McKade/Baby Boy is cute and I tell her that I love him, and her as well.  She loves me too.

My older nieces and nephews delight in looking at new pictures of Baby Boy that I receive from his parents.  They laugh at his cuteness and they enjoy hearing stories that I pass on to them from his mother to me.  They love him.  He is so loved.  The point of all this is, that if you are a birth mother and you are afraid of how to answer these questions when they come up, don't be afraid.  Children are Perfection personified.  They don't judge.  They don't discriminate.  They love and they want to understand.  They will be your best audience.  And they'll ask you what they need to know.  And what they need to know is only what they'll ask.  If you are afraid at how everything will sort itself out... it's okay to be afraid, but don't forget to believe that it will sort itself out.  And more than likely, it will sort itself out without your forcing it to.  So, let it be, and let it come when it comes, and then let it happen as it happens.  You'll do good.  That's another point, one that keeps stressing itself in my life and, yet, which I haven't fully trusted with it's own merit; balance and resolve (as in resolution) will occur on it's own.  I think the Universe is set up that way.  Everything that must resolve will resolve as is necessary for it do so.  You and I don't need to sweat it.  We don't need to stress it and make ourselves sick over it.  We don't even need to miss sleep over it.  Life.Will.Resolve.Itself.  This is not a means to say that we shouldn't carry on living our lives and seeking out the goals that we have for ourselves and striving to make a future for ourselves.  Simply, let go what isn't in your power to control.  Just let it go.  It will work out as it's meant to work out.  I need these words more than anyone.  Just focus on the now and what's to come will happen.