Open Adoption Roundtable #35

http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2012/03/open-adoption-roundtable-35.html

The above blog is one of my favorite bogs and the woman who runs it has so much knowledge about the world of adoption. One of the things I love about her blog, is the prompts she "issues" to help open the discussion of open adoption. She just issued a new prompt, and it is as follows:

We've written about siblings in open adoptions twice before. Now we're going to look in the other generational direction: grandparents. While the legal processes of placing and adopting focus on the triad of first parents-child-adoptive parents, the reality is that adoption involves extended family, too. So this time we're offering up a nice, broad prompt to reflect on the influence of, relationships with, and experiences of grandparents in our open adoptions (whichever grandparents you choose).

Write about grandparents in open adoption.


I really love this prompt because I don't think that grandparents, as well as extended family, in open adoption situations get enough recognition.  This is a topic that is close to my heart and I'm excited to write about it.  In my other life (pre-Baby Boy), I never thought of my actions and how they would impact my family.  I always took responsibility for my "stuff" if my decisions ended up with painful consequences.  When I found out I was pregnant, I was determined to do the right thing, whatever that proved to be.  I was brave throughout my pregnancy.  I focused on my unborn child and what was best for him.  I attended every doctor's appointment faithfully and always in pleasant spirits.  I took my pre-natals religiously, and I paid real close attention to my moods and how they affected Baby Boy.  What I learned about my emotions is that when I was stressed, or mad, and my heart pounded hard, that Baby Boy was super restless and I knew that he was impacted by my moods and so I chose to be calm.  And that was an easier decision to make while I was pregnant than it is now.  What I am saying is that I took responsibility for my actions and I chose to do whatever it took to keep my baby healthy and happy, and that made my life easier.  


It was about 1/3 of the way through my pregnancy when it occurred to me how involved my family was with the whole thing.  They were my rock; my solid ground.  They lived the experience with me, especially my parents.  My parents, they were amazing.  I'll never forget, one night I was really struggling with major heart-burn (something I rarely had until I became pregnant) and I was so tired from working all day and I was tired emotionally and I didn't want to go to the grocery mart.  I was talking to my mom about it and she was delighting in my pregnancy story and relating her experiences to me of when she was pregnant, and our conversation made me feel so normal and not like a failure.  And I appreciated that.  My dad was listening in on the conversation and he said something in the back ground and my mom said, "We'll be over.  We are going to bring you some food and antacids."  My parents showed up with food and antacids and my dad was carrying the antacids.  He handed them to me and smiled and hugged me and we all talked for a bit before my parents left.  You probably are wondering what is so important about antacids.  The antacids themselves aren't important, what is important is the act in which they were given.  My entire family took on the role of my support, especially my parents. 


Where a traditional couple has support in each other, a birth-mother (at least in my situation) had no support from her partner.  Every single one of my siblings and both my parents stepped-up and supported me in the way that every pregnant woman needs support, beit a run to the grocery mart for antacids, or attending the ultrasound to figure out what gender the child is.  My mother was there when I found out Baby Boy's gender and I'm really glad I wasn't alone for that.  Finding out the gender is a major part of pregnancy in my eyes and one that I did not want to be alone for.  


The time came and I delivered a beautiful angelic baby boy.  I was in a hospital bed for 16 hours waiting for him to be here and my mom was there the entire time with me.  She left for a couple of hours after the delivery to shower and get refreshed, but she came back to the hospital.  The support I needed when I wanted to jump out of that hospital bed because I was anxious and not wanting to be there and to face what was to come, my mother was that support.  My father supported me in his way too and I wouldn't have been able to do any of it without them.  My mom offered me encouragement when it came time to start walking around the hospital (after a c-section it's PAINFUL) and her encouragement was so welcomed.  I wished so badly that my pregnancy was a "traditional" one and I'd done it right and married the guy I procreated with BEFORE I procreated, but I didn't.  And my parents were the support I needed that I wasn't getting from my partner.  


The time came to leave the hospital.  I placed Baby Boy with the social worker of his parents and I was wheeled out of the hospital by my social worker and my parents took me home for a couple of weeks.  I found safety and security in their love during that very difficult time.  I then moved in with my other sister and her family because she didn't want me to be alone for the holidays.  I stayed with her for a couple of months and in her home I was loved and accepted and comforted.  My family never stopped loving me and supporting me.


My mother was the go-between for me and Baby Boy's mother during the first couple tenuous weeks or more.  Baby Boy's mother would send text pictures and updates to my mom and communicate with my mom about how I was doing and my mom would let her know.  I can't imagine how scary it must have been for Baby Boy's mom to navigate how to communicate with me and I love her with all my heart because she is an amazing woman and never forgot about me and my family.  


When Baby Boy was 6 months old and the adoption was finalized, he took part in a religious observance and was blessed and eternally sealed to his family.  My parents and I were invited to the sealing and I was so scared because I didn't know how I would respond.  I waited in the waiting room during the sealing and when it was over, my mother came and got me and she had been crying and said "There are some people who anxiously want to meet you."  I didn't know what she meant.  


We walked outside the temple and it was a beautiful day.  I was standing with my parents, and person after person that I'd never met before came up to me and with tears in their eyes they thanked me for the decision I made and they hugged me.  They were the siblings and parents of Baby Boy's adoptive mom and dad.  They were the extended family on the other side of this open adoption.  I watched how they loved on Baby Boy and they loved him like my family loved him.  I watched and I knew that everything I was seeing was "right".  My nerves calmed.  Me and my parents were invited back to the house for lunch and we went and I got to know Baby Boy's aunts and uncles and grandparents.  And I love them.  


The next day he was blessed in church and my entire family was invited.  After the church service, we were invited back to the house again.  It was packed.  And it was beautiful.  Baby Boy was surrounded by ALL of his family.  Love was tangible in the air; I felt it.  Tons of pictures were taken.  Everywhere you looked, there was a camera; this was a celebration of joy.  Again, I watched the love that Baby Boy's grandparents and extended family showered on him on both sides.  


Baby Boy is part of something beautiful.  Grandparents are grandparents whether their grandchild is "biological" or adopted.  Blood doesn't change love.  Grandparents love their child and when their child is hurting because they find themselves pregnant and not married and no longer in a relationship, or their child is desperately wanting another child but for whatever reason pregnancy just isn't happening.  Grandparents love their child and their child loves their child, and grandparents love their grandchildren.  Grandparents are parents too and when sorrow is involved, it doesn't matter how old a person is, they are still a parent and their child is still their child.  A family is a family regardless of how it is made and they always watch out for each other.  


Open adoption is a blessing because it unites families and the extended families of these families may not be traditional, but they still are very much emotionally-family and they need to be considered.  Always.  A grandparent's influence will always be a part of child's life (adopted or not) in one way or another, whether it is from a distance, or directly hands on.  Family is family, extended or not, and their impact lives on for generations.