I've been thinking about the past a lot lately and where I used to be and where I am now and I've been reading through some old posts of mine and I came across a post written in January 2011, so, barely over 1 year ago. The post is "Feeling the Need to Speak" and it was written on January 18, 2011. I remember this time vividly, it's a time that my memory visits often. Things at that point were sunlight wonderful. Do you know what I mean by that? When I was a child and it was winter time and I was cold, I would curl up on the floor beneath a window and the sunlight the streamed into the window warmed the part of carpet it fell upon, and there I was in the streaming sunlight and it warmed me to my core and it was such a comforting feeling. I remember that kind of warmth so well. That's what I mean when I say sunlight wonderful.
At the time this post was written, I felt like everything was "happening". Having said that, I was also cautious of the "happening"... I had this constant nagging in the back of my overly active imagination that kept telling me that I was living a lie and that I wasn't good enough for what was happening and that if people really knew me, they would know that I didn't deserve what I had. Isn't that horrible? At that time I wouldn't acknowledge that fear because I didn't want it to be a fear of mine... I didn't want that fear to belong to me and be a part of me.
In that post I wrote something that stood out to me today. I wrote, "... I focused on what kind of mother I want to be; and that woman is fearless. I should explain my interpretation of that word. Fearlessness to me is not the absence of fear itself, rather it's the presence of fear and still choosing to live your life out loud despite being surrounded by the things that you are afraid of. Fearlessness is choosing to live life especially when in the midst of the unknown."
What stuck out to me from that past post was that- at the time- even though I felt like I was capable of saying those words and that the theory behind those words was deserving, I still didn't know if I was truly capable of ever becoming that woman. "Fearlessness is choosing to live life especially when in the midst of the unknown." Everything about "now" is unknown to me... that's an hyperbole. I know that today is Thursday. I know that I my left eye is twitching and it's annoying. I know that it's winter, only there is no snow on the ground. Not everything is unknown... but the big things, the things that are important to me and that I strive to achieve and the people that I love that things are complicated with... the outcome of these major parts of my life are "unknown"... unknown in the way that the outcome of these specifics are out of my control
There is one specific desire of my heart that is surrounded in complication and I'm afraid of what the outcome could not be. Having said this, I'm not going to give up on the "hope" of it. And that's the point I'm trying to make. Life can feel unbearable when you are surrounded by the unknown regarding the desires closest to your heart and soul... and it can be scary to want to continue to try, and that's the point. You've got to keep trying. If it is important to you, then you've got to keep trying and you've got to let go of the control, and you've got to let the unknown unravel as it will and you've got to adapt to it and you've got to live the new story.
I'm this woman. The words that I wrote a little over 1 year ago that I didn't think I could become... I'm that woman. I'm a strong woman and I am fearless because I choose to live with the unknown instead of hide from it. We all are this person, we just need to believe it.
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