I've been feeling very like... out of control lately. And when I say out of control, I don't mean it in the way that at any moment I could do something reckless and stupid. I mean it in the sense that... I don't feel like I have any control in my day-to-day life. This post has so much potential to sound like a pity-party festival... and I don't mean it that way at all.
Every day, I go to work and my actions and involvement in my cases are simply reactive to the destruction of divorced couples towards each other and their children. Mom doesn't want to take daughters glasses to school because dad won't return daughter's cell phone to her... clearly the two aren't relevant in their solutions of each other, but daughter is getting headaches everyday because she is straining her eyes all day at school. So, I react to that and I mediate between mom and dad to come to a productive decision... and when that doesn't happen (which is most of the time) then I talk to my boss and she issues an Order of the Court, which I draft, have her sign, and send to the parents. And then the parent who is ordered to do something calls me up in a rage and I battle it out verbally with them for half and hour. Nothing changes, the parents are still just as angry at each other as the day they filed for divorce, and the order only makes them more difficult to work with the next time mine and my boss' involvement becomes necessary. I do that, Monday through Friday, every week, from 9:00 a.m. until there are no more fires to put out.
I also assist in the divorce mediations at the office that we do daily; I draft the stipulations as agreements are made. One of the requirements for Utah State is that divorcing couples participate in mediation before the finality of the divorce; it's more economical and less time consuming for the courts if they don't have to divide the Real Property, belongings, debts, etc. Also, if parent time is involved and needs to be calendared, you can get something decided that is more conducive for both parents and more creative than regular statue, which the courts would order if left to them. This past week alone, I have been at the office till 10:00 p.m. twice because of a long mediation.
On Mondays and Wednesdays, I actually leave work early to go to my classes where I talk about literature for about 2.5 hours and then I go to math... which is horrifying no matter how you look at it. And then for the rest of the week, the time in between sleeping, work, and school... I am studying. I don't even have time to cook... or clean... my bedroom looks like a hurricane blew through it. For my literature classes, I am reading 2 novels a week. I don't go to church because on Sundays is when I get most of my reading done. I literally walk around my apartment with two books in my hands, one in each, and I switch back and forth in the reading. I drink directly out of the milk jug... as I continue to read. I've had too many accidents with spilled milk to count.
It's frustrating. I don't feel like I have time to exist. I miss the gym. I miss my friends. I miss my nieces and nephews. I miss watching movies. I miss seeing the outdoors on the weekend. I miss driving just for the sake of taking a drive and falling in love with the mountains. My therapist gave me an assignment to make a list of 40 things that make me and my life worthwhile, as well as to look up at the sky everyday for 5 minutes. I haven't done either. The only time I see the outdoors, it's night time.
I was really stressed about all this the other night. I had a goal to get another 4.0 this semester, and quite frankly, I don't know if it's going to be doable. But, I'm not going to give up. I came to the conclusion that I need to just do it. Just do it. No more contemplating my schedule, no more feeling like I don't have time to invest... especially in myself. I have put the gym off this entire semester because I didn't feel like I had the time to dedicate to it. If it came between sleep and gym, I didn't have time for either because I've had a book glued to my face. I've felt like I have to let one thing go in order to nurture something else and that is a horrible feeling. I laid awake in bed making mental lists of all the had to be done. Have you guys seen the movie "I Don't Know How She Does It"? The part where she is talking about the science study about mothers who have children between certain ages don't get any sleep and it was unknown why that is. Sarah Jessica Parker's character is talking about this and then she answers this unknown by stating that they don't get any sleep because they are awake all night mentalizing their lists of things that have to get done. It's a funny movie. That's been me this entire semester. I lay awake at night thinking about all that needs to get done, when I should be sleeping. This is the circular thread my mind was weaving the other night as I laid in bed stressing over how I'm going to nurture all that I want to nurture. And then the thought entered my mind,
That's the answer, folks. I know that I'm not the only one who lays awake at night with mental lists and stressing over getting everything done that needs to get done. I know that I'm not the only one with a stressful job that feels all-consuming. I know I'm not the only single birth-mother who is working full-time and going to school with what feels like an un-manageble credit load. I know that I'm not the only over-weight woman out there stressing about her health and how she is going to fit exercise into her daily life. So, what is the answer? Instead of thinking about the process, we've got to just jump into it.
I know this years focus is Balance and yellow. And... jumping into it feels more Red, but analyzing every step is Blue. And so, for this moment, jumping in is the only way to Balance out every aspect of my life that I want to nurture. Sometimes there is Balance in jumping in full force. There definitely isn't any Balance to nourishing only one part of your life and letting the rest go to the wayside because there isn't time enough to dedicate to it all. Just do it. I'm gonna just do it.
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