Open Adoption Roundtable #34

http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/

Production, Not Reproduction is an awesome blog all about the world of adoption (the link to this blog is above).  The blog owner issues certain prompts for anyone who is involved in the world of adoption to answer.  She just issued a prompt, which is below in pink:


It is likely that we've all had that experience at some time: someone asking us to speak to the choices or feelings of others in our adoption constellation. Perhaps it is someone asking a first parent how their child feels about being in an open adoption. Or someone asking an adoptee why their adoptive parents chose to adopt. You get the idea.

How do you handle such questions when they are asked of you? How would you want the other parties in your open adoption to handle those questions when they are about you?


I've been asked before, how my child will feel about the fact that I placed him for an open adoption.  I thought this was an interesting question.  The way the person asked it was with a tone of incredulousness... like I hadn't thought endlessly about this very question over the entire course of my pregnancy leading up to placement, and then endlessly after placement.  


I thanked this person for their question and let them know that I love talking about open adoption, and I encouraged them to ask all the questions they want to ask me.  I then asked this person what they thought open adoption meant.  You'd be surprised how many weird answers I've gotten back.  This person told me, "Open Adoption is when the biological mother and adoptive parents co-parent the child... kind of like a divorce, but it's a divorce between the birth mother and the child."  I will let you know that I took great care not to laugh at this person... and then I knew exactly what I was dealing with; someone who was sorely misinformed.  


I kindly let this person know that their understanding of open adoption was not correct and then I let them know what open adoption actually means.  I let them know that open adoption is "open" in the sense that there is communication between the birth mother and the adoptive parents that regards the child in common.  This communication can involve anything from weekly updates, to pictures received on a monthly basis; and all the arrangements and expectations regarding the "openness" of the adoption are all communicated and arranged before the placement occurs.  I let them know that the level of openness depends entirely on the people involved and that it is a case by case scenario.  I let them know that open adoption is not co-parenting; that once the birth mother signs over her rights, that the adoption is considered final after a period of, no less than 24 hours after the papers are signed.  I let them know that different states have different laws regarding the finalization of the adoption, and so I'm only speaking from the understanding of the state of Utah's laws.  I let them know that my son's adoptive parents are amazing people who send me pictures and major developmental updates regarding our son.  I let this person know that I fully and completely recognize my son's parents as his parent's and all that comes along with that term.  I let this person know that Adoption, regardless of how open it is or is not, is nothing like Divorce and that I know this because I am a birth mother and I've been through the process, but also that I see divorce every single day in my job... and the two are completely different.


I also told this person that I doubt my child thinks about it at all, seeming as he was only 1 years old at the time I was asked this question.  I continued by letting this person know that my child's adoptive parents were wonderful people and that they will let him know from the get-go that he is adopted, and they will discuss it openly in their household because adoption is nothing to be ashamed of.  I told this person that my child will know- through his parents- how incredibly loved he is by more people than he'll possibly ever know, and some of whom he can meet one day if he decided he wants to meet them, and that he is lucky to have 2 mommies and 5 sets of grandparents, all whom recognize the beauty of his life and his presence in their lives.  I let this person know that I believe that my child will connect deeply with his parents because he will know how completely he was wanted by them and how deeply his parents longed for him for so long, but that he was to come to them through a different woman because they couldn't get him "here" on their own; they chose him... I chose them, and they accepted him, therefore "choosing" him.  I think that's pretty special and I have no fears in my mind whatsoever that he won't develop and grow into an amazing, compassionate, respectful, passionate, and loving man one day; a man who is aware of how important he is in the lives of those who are blessed to know him.


 I had quite an extensive conversation with this person, and they had a lot of questions for me and I appreciated their questions and they appreciated my answers.  I love talking about Open Adoption and what it is and what it definitely is not.  What I've found is that people out there don't have a lot of knowledge about this topic.  For how "in the headlines" adoption and open adoption are becoming, people are oftentimes left to their own devices to define what these two things mean to them.  I find that majority of my conversations about open adoption are more based in educating a person about the world of adoption.  I don't take offense to people's inaccuracies because I see it as an opportunity to show excitement about the beauty of open adoption.  I've found that people will mirror your emotions in regards to this topic.  If you act closed off and defensive when you talk about open adoption, then the person you are talking to won't want to know more and they won't want to ask more questions, as serious education is needed on this topic.  But, if you are excited about telling your story, even if it's still hard to talk about... and you let that person see how close to your heart your story is... that's infectious; they'll feel it to and they will share in that moment with you and it is profound for them.  I've found that the more excited I am about explaining open adoption and the more I share my story with people and let them participate in my emotions of it... they ask more and more questions and connection is made.  They'll remember that when they find themselves, again, faced with a birth mother, or a friend who is trying to adopt.