Slam, Slam, Slam!

The last 3-4 months have been extremely difficult for me. I'm not going to go into the details, but I will let you know that every aspect of my life has been relentlessly attacked and destroyed. A brief summary, my name and integrity has been tarnished to a person I love dearly and there is nothing I can do and no words I can say to redeem myself. I'm still confused as to all that went wrong and there is nothing I can do to prove to this person that I am not the horrible creature they think I am, but that I am the person that they thought they knew all along... I'm that person. Additionally to this, my financial security and my financial credit has been ruined because of my trust in a person that really let me down in more ways than one. I co-signed on a lot for someone that I trusted and this person failed me miserably and because of it... I am in near-financial ruin... but I signed for this person and so I will deal with it and I will never have anything to do with this person again, that's for certain. I know that by even writing this post, I risk more severe judgement, but it's my turn to talk. And just recently, this past weekend, I found out that my storage unit that holds all of my belongings, was accidentally auctioned off because management had me under the wrong unit number. So, for the last 2 years, I've been paying for someone else's stuff... I literally have nothing left to lose at this point. I write this post from the lowest place I have been in 2 years.

So much anger has filled my heart lately and I... don't like the anger. So much resentment has threatened to over power me, but I tirelessly fight it... I will not let it become me. So much hurt and tears have been shed because of things that are out of my control and I am learning to trust in a higher power for redemption and relief... and it's hard to trust in something beyond yourself, but that belief and hope is literally the only things I have left. Granted, I have a job, I have a reliable car, and I have a wonderful family that has been my only true support throughout my life. I am grateful for these things. But, I've still lost everything that I own. The one thing that remained in my storage unit was the piano that has been in my family for over 100 years. I don't know what I would have done if that had also been sold at auction. Management knew someone would come back for that, so they held off on selling it.

I'm tired of the fighting. I'm tired of the blaming. I'm tired of the lying... the lying that I've told and the lying that's been done to me. I'm tired of the constant backlash of life. I'm tired of feeling like I'm getting a grasp on my life only to have slam after slam break me down. Having said all of that, I'm grateful for the difficult. It occurred to me the other night after I meditated that all of these struggles and hardships mean that I'm doing something right. That sounds crazy, so let me elaborate.

I found out about my storage unit on Saturday January 7, 2012. That night, after hours of drafting up a list of my belongings that were in my storage unit and looking up the worth of my belongings through various sources, I was exhausted with all sorts of negativity. I then shut off the lights, I got rid of all the noise around me, and I sat in the dark and focused on my breathing and with each new breath I focused on positivity and with each exhale, I pushed the negative out. I focused on where I want to go with my life... how to begin again and that I can begin again with every new day. I focused on my hope. And after about 30 minutes of this, I laid down in my bed and I cried. I cried bitterly. And when all my tears were expended... I laid there and my mind was blank. I've rarely felt that feeling of no racing thoughts... but my mind was quiet. And clear as day, the thought entered my head and I said it out loud as it came, "When trials continuously seem to slam you from every direction, take courage, it means you're doing something right. Only the adversary seeks for your destruction and he will hit you the hardest when he's afraid you are becoming stronger. And when you rise above the difficulty of these challenges, you are winning the battle."

This blog is not intended to force or promote the belief of Deity. If you don't believe in God, it's not my mission to make you believe in Him. I don't know where these words came from. They were not of my creation because I could not come up with such light for the dark I've been in the last 3 months. I know where these words came from and that's all I need to know. For whatever it's worth, I wanted to share this experience with you.

This blogs main focus is on the process of adoption. Yes, I'm a birth mother, so I speak primarily from the perspective of a birth mother. For those of you out there who are seeking to adopt and going through the trials that accompany infertility, this message is also for you. For those of you out there who are adoptees who are struggling to find the people you came from, this message is also for you. For my fellow birth mothers and birth fathers and birth families... this message is also for us. Sorrow is sorrow. Anger is anger. Hardship is hardship and it comes in thousands of forms. We all feel these things. We all house emotions we don't want anything to do with and that hurt us to feel them. We all have dark thoughts that reside in us and that we struggle to get rid of. Life comes fast and it hits hard and when it's good, it's blessed, and when it's hard, it can feel soul shattering. And when life feels like it is relentlessly slamming you down, just remember, you are stronger than what you are being delt. You can rise above it. With each new difficulty, you are slowing winning the battle. Take courage in the face of difficulty because when you come out victoriously, your life will take on a direction you never thought yourself capable of traveling and only good can come from so much dark. The dark doesn't last forever and the light will come and for the duration of the storm, you just need to hold on to what is true... and that's inside of you.