I was meditating the other day and, I'm of the impression that I need to do this more often. A little over 1 week ago, well, about 2 weeks ago, I had a day where I felt like everything that was up in the air was... possible to resolve. As of last weekend, I no longer feel as brave as I did 2 weeks ago when I felt I had made my mind up about a specific situation. I know that I am being completely ambiguous right now and I apologize for this. Please be patient with me.
Two weeks ago I felt like I had a new purpose; a new goal to direct myself towards, and I was really excited about this. As of this weekend, I feel like I'm not completely ready to move on from this "specific something". Everything is completely out of my hands right now and has been for a while now. I have no control in the outcome of this specific situation and I understand that and that's frustrating to me. It's extremely frustrating. And I don't know what to do with this new "information", if you will.
My heart has been restless since. Restless is the wrong word. My heart... has been disquieted. Do you know what the definition of 'disquiet' is? It's a transitive verb- which means that it is characterized by having or containing a direct object- anyway, disquiet is a transitive verb that means "to take away the peace or tranquillity of". My heart has been disquieted which has led to a restlessness that is not so much outwardly focused as inwardly focused... and constant. And along with this disquiet comes other emotions which are not emotions I want to feel. But, through this disquiet I understand that it's not time yet to move forward in this one situation.
Where does that leave things? Exactly where they were before I felt like I could move on, which... they were in a state of disaster. I was meditating the other day and was able, for a moment, to move beyond the disquiet and it was beautiful. I like that place, that place where it's okay that everything is out of your control because you feel connected to whatever has control over all that is happening to you. When I was done meditating, I laid in my bed and all the negativity I was feeling started creeping in again and I thought to myself, "No, not tonight" and I imagined pushing it all away from me like a pile of bricks that are in my way, and that's when the thought entered my mind, "Bless me with the knowledge to know what to do, and the strength, courage, determination, and vision to see it through."
It occurred to me afterwards that, I may not have complete control over things right now, and I may not know all that is coming my way. I may not be able to comprehend how things will resolve themselves out of the disaster that they've become; I may not feel patient enough to stand firm in the mist of this hurricane that is pulling and tearing and drowning any feeling of safety and peace I can latch on to. I may not have control like I want to, but I have strength of character to face the impossible. I have strength and courage to survive the impossible. I have determination to not give up and to see the difficult and frustrating through to the end. And I have vision and this vision allows hope to remain alive. I don't know how I've held on to Hope for so long, but she is still, very much, a part of me. My vision is hope and a quiet confidence that all will be as it should be; it may not be right now, but it will eventually be as it should be. Furthermore, my vision helps me know when I need to act and when I need to let life be; it guides me through the difficult. I may not have complete control, but I have strength, I have courage, I have determination, and I have vision; and that's enough for right now.
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