Math, I Loathe You Entirely!

Say wha?!  Yeah, math, I hate you.

Finally, Finals Are Here...

I've been a bit absent.  My apologies.  This semester has been truly intense.  Granted I say that about every semester... but I assure you this is the last semester that I take to creative writing classes together.  If only I could say this was the last semester I took a math class.  Alas, I cannot say that.  If all goes well this semester and I pass my math class, then next semester could potentially be the last semester I EVER have to take a math class again.

I just wanted to let you all know that I will be absent this week.  Then again, there is that part of me that maybe be very present because of procrastination.  We'll just have to see how it plays out.  I will be in touch with you all soon.  

Nimah Ismail Nawwab

The following poems have been on my mind a lot lately.  They are both by a woman named Nimah Ismail Nawwab.

"Lost and Found?"

We lost the core
worship diligently
with minute, particular movements
wrapping touted diction
extolling the mundane without spirit
we lost the core

The Beloved's loved
the Great One's Mercy
the spiritual bond

are out of the equation
we lost the core

Who savors the fruit
and leaves the heart, core,

Reviving the essence
we embrace peace
and are devotees of Higher Love.


"The Arena"

Come,
come face to face
with yourself
rekindle the flame of truth

Look past the frayed, the marred
the strain of imposed dictated musts
let the chambers, walls and doors
implode into a new arena
where the face to face
brings forth a rebirth
and the Path Maker supersedes all.

Where Do I Even Start?

(giant exhale).

The weird thing is... I can't stop thinking about weddings.  I'm not engaged.  I'm not dating anyone.  Right now I'm working on figuring myself out because, in the wise words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, "We must be our own before we can be another's."

That doesn't stop me from constantly thinking about weddings.  And that's another weird thing is... I've never thought about weddings like I'm thinking about them now.  I was always the kind of girl who just wanted to elope because, why bother with all the drama and details, when it should just be about you and the one you love?  I'm learning now, that my thinking that was a little selfish.  I'm not judging those who choose to elope.  The closest I ever wanted to come to a formal wedding was when I considered going to the court house and being married by a judge... simple.  White dress, the man I love, the wedding rings, a couple witnesses, the marriage license, a few spoken words from the heart... and then your done.  True, for me, the focus was always about what came after the wedding.  My own family.  My life with my husband and growing our family together.  That's all I've ever wanted and that's a worthy dream to focus on.

Here's the part I never thought of... how important a wedding may be for the other person involved.  The opportunity to share with everyone you know, the love you have for the person you are "binding" yourself to.  A celebration of your joy in your choice of companion.  A time where everyone you know and care about enough to invite, comes and welcomes you off into the new phase of your existence with the one person you've always hoped to find, and have found.  Those are really important things.

I almost that once.  I'm not talking about with baby daddy.  What I had with him was all lies and betrayal.  I'm talking about another man that... has already taught me so much in this life by his example, alone.  He wanted this big wedding with elaborate... everything... and I was so intimidated by all of it.  I warmed up to it, for him because it was important to him.  But I was scared of the "bigness"... of being noticed... of being recognized... I don't know how to explain it.  All I know is that now, the "big" and very public wedding is all I want.  It has nothing to do with the decorations or the location, or the theme... when I say "big", I'm not talking about inviting an entire city of people I don't know.  It's about the joy.  I want to share my joy with those I respect and appreciate are in my life.  I want them to be a part of the ushering in of "the next step" in my life.

This is all a jumbled mess.  I'm just barely starting to sort this new part of me out and, quite frankly, I don't know what to make of it.  While I am a feminine woman who is soft spoken and trying to live as graceful a life as possible... I've never been the sort of woman who willingly shows her delicacy... and it's something I'm learning the balance of right now.  For too long I've been stubborn and closed off... I'm opening up now, and this is one of the weird unexpected things that is surfacing and it's very new to me.  It's giving me ideas of the theme color for next year, but I'm still researching it so I won't unveil it just yet.  But, this has been on my mind enough lately that it was important to me to share it with you all.  Here's to letting whatever comes next in life to unravel on it's own terms.

Dear Sweetheart,

Dear sweet little-man, baby boy.  Today you are 3 years old.  I can't believe it.  I still remember everything about you.  I had the wonderful opportunity to see you recently and you are spectacular!  There are no words to express effectively how mesmerized I am by you.  From the moment I met you to know, you have my heart completely.

You can be shy, but you are always a show-off, and in me, you have the most captive audience and you pick up on that very quickly.  Even though you missed out on a complete nap the day we saw each other, and you were clingy to your dad, it didn't take too long for you to warm up to me.  You were running all over the place and I loved watching your independence.  You are not afraid of the big slides.  I think you might be an adrenaline junky, and that makes me so happy because that means that you aren't phased by the idea of not being able to do "something", you'll try it and, from what I can tell, you excel at whatever "it" is.

It was fun playing with you.  I love your fist-pump when you are about to do something you want everyone to know about.  I love your victory dance when you know you've done a good job.  And I absolutely love your upbeat attitude at thinking you always win the game... even if that's not the case.  Your laughter is music.  Your voice is music.  The little way you talk melts my heart.  I'm the luckiest birth-mother in the world to know your light.  I love you with all my heart, baby boy.  I always will.  You are the child of my heart.

Sincerely,
Your birth mother

Quiet Mind

“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” 
― Nathaniel Hawthorne

I love this quote.  I've been thinking about the topic of happiness a lot lately and then also about this quote.  I think it is natural to think that happiness must always be with you... or that if you are unhappy then you are ungrateful.  And so you settle on a happy that isn't happy, but is... something drastically less, because you don't want to be ungrateful and so you will be "happy".  

This post is starting to sound like I'm depressed.  Actually, I'm not.  Something happened to me this past week that I am still thinking on.  I've been sick for the last month.  I'm not joking.  I'm stressed, I'm cold, I don't get near enough sleep, and I don't have enough recuperation time to get over being sick.  I've had everything from the stomach flu to this winter's brand of lingering cold.  And for the first while... I was exhausted with frustration at not feeling well, and that exhaustion was eating at me emotionally.  

It was in a moment of... I don't know what you would call it... it felt desperate.  In this moment of "desperation" I let someone I love dearly know that "things" aren't easy.  I opened up to this person and afterwards I felt ashamed, but the response I received back was pretty spectacular.  They let me know that they appreciate me not "sugar-coating the hell" out of what I was trying to say.  They told me that in letting them know how hard of a time I've been having but how I'm pushing through it made them feel like I was actually letting them in to the person that is me.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about that ever since.

This week has not been easy.  I began to feel better last Sunday.  That was the first day in a long time that I felt human and not like a walking illness.  I was able to get up and clean and my energy lasted all day, not just a couple of hours.  And then by Tuesday, I was coughing again, only my cough was worse and moved into my lungs.  My schedule this year does not allow for being sick and so I had to push through it all week.  And then Friday came and I got home and I was fevering.  I spent all last weekend fevering as well.  I don't have insurance.  I can't afford the doctor and so I just treated myself.  

The major difference from this weekend and last weekend, was this weekend... I'm not waiting for things to get worse.  It's something I've been focusing on for the last couple of weeks or so.  I've always been a person who constantly anticipates that things can always be worse... and so I should be grateful and appreciative of what I have now because even if what I have now is a fever... well, it can always get worse.  The person I am now and that I am focusing on becoming is a person who always anticipates that something greater is around the corner.  And that's the difference.  I still don't feel my best but I know that I won't always be sick.  I know that the cold of winter won't always be so biting.  I know that all the frustrations and all the pain and anger I've felt for the longest time... it's melting.  It will resurface here and there, but that's life.  The place I was 1 year ago was dark and angry and hopeless and I was on the verge of inner destruction; that's not an exaggeration.  I was so lost and all that I knew was that I was lost in anger.  I've made a lot of changes since then and for the first time in my entire life I know what it means to feel quiet and peaceful and aware of the softness of happiness.  

Meditative Musings

This morning I went to the gym with a friend of mine and usually we talk a lot, but today we were both pretty tired, and as it was only 5:00 in the morning and I'm getting over being sick and she is coming down with something, so we just weren't in the talking mood.  We talked for the first half hour, but the rest of the workout, I didn't have anything to distract me.  She brought a book to read and I left my music at home.  I decided that I would meditate for the rest of my workout and it was pretty awesome.

Normally I start my mediation with a question, but today I didn't.  Instead I started thinking of the things I'm grateful for in my life and there are a lot.  I focused on what my body was feeling and... my body is tired.  And then I zoned into specific areas of my body and I focused on their strength and why I appreciate them, which is something I've never done before.  I've never felt confident in my body.  Ever.  I've always noticed the flaws and compared it to other's.  A running joke I have is that my chest should start paying rent because it's always there and does nothing for me.  How acidic is that?  It's funny, but to say that about yourself is extremely hurtful.  I've said it about my butt too.  Focusing on the beauty of my body was very powerful and made me grateful, and I never thought that would happen.  I then started thinking about my long term goals and "where" I want to be and am working towards.  It's beautiful, the goals I have and they are attainable.  It's going to require a lot of work and determination, but it is possible and I believe that now.  Before I always hoped for the possibility.  But now, I know it's possible.

In terms of "where" I want to go, it's hard to not try and put a time-frame on it because that's how I work towards goals, but this kind of goal has nothing to do with time and everything to do with preparing myself to be the person that is involved in the "where" of where I'm going.  And that's been a hard thing to try to resolve.  Where I want to go cannot be forced and it cannot be limited to increments of time.  It was at this point that the thought came to mind "You owe nothing to Time but your best effort."  You wouldn't believe the comfort that I've already felt today from that simple truth.  I've always "known" that all I need to do is try my best, but somewhere in the throws of becoming an adult, I lost the real meaning of what that means... what my personal best is and I believed instead that everything worth wanting in life has to be learned and earned "now" and if I wasn't my best "now" then it was impossible.  I hope this is making sense.  So, to be inspired of this truth this morning... was exactly what I needed.

This is my truth:  I owe nothing to Time but my personal best.  And in doing so... just living my personal best each and every day, that is how I will become the woman I know I am capable of being... and that's how I will get to where I'm going.  It's as simple as that.  I think I'm pretty awesome right now, but you guys haven't seen anything yet.  The woman I know I will be, she is spectacular.  And today, I am one step closer to my transcendental transition into becoming her.  That's pretty exciting.

New Horizons for Children

I am really excited to know about New Horizons for Children, which is a nationwide orphan ministry that focuses on finding American (and Puerto Rican) families to host children from Latvia and Ukraine.  They are looking for families to host these angelic children for 4-5 weeks over the course of the summer and Christmas season.  All of the children that they place are between the ages of 6-16 years old, and not all are adoptable.  Because of their older ages, the children that this agency places are least likely to be adopted because they are older than the desired adoptable age.  All of these children are looking for a place in the world where they "fit" or feel like they belong and are loved, and with people who love them.

For more information on this agency and the children they represent, click the following link:
http://www.newhorizonsforchildren.org/about-us/

I've been thinking a lot about this agency since I interviewed the Jones family.  If you remember, they are currently working with this agency to adopt 3 sisters from Ukraine.  As previously mentioned, not all of the children represented by this agency are adoptable.  A major part of this agency's work is to provide these children with the opportunity to learn life skills that they haven't yet learned in the orphanages they live in.  I think the best way to make it relate-able is to compare it to the Foster Care system in America; while this system is great and helpful to millions of children who have no other option in life, once these children turn 18 they are released out into the world to be on their own... even if they aren't completely ready for that yet.  The children that are represented through this agency, are put out on their own at the age of 16.  Can you imagine how scary that would be?  And the options they have once they are turned out are scary.  A lot of the young women turn to prostitution as a form of surviving.

The Christmas season is upon us and we are all in the process of hunting down bargain deals for gifts for our loved ones and a lot of us are starting the shopping season early than the major Black Friday door-buster sales after Thanksgiving.  I wonder though, if there are some families out there who may consider a different kind of Christmas this year in putting all their gift money towards hosting a child from Eastern Europe.  There are currently 200 children who are in need of finding a host family.  Think of all the blessings that would go along in hosting these children.  Not only would they learn so much from you, but can you imagine the lesson in gratitude and love that you can learn from them?  I wish I was in a financial position to host a child myself, I wouldn't think twice about it.  I ask that you strongly consider it.

If you are not financially able to host one of these children, there is still a way that you can help.  For the next tow days, ALL purchases made through the link below will benefit New Horizons for Children to the tune of 7.5% (it reverts to 4% beginning November 1st).  Now is the time to make those online purchases you've been considering, and at the same time helping an agency that benefits hundreds of orphans in Eastern Europe find security in this world.  Let's help these children by making our online Holiday purchases through the following link:
http://www.amazon.com/?_encoding=UTF8&camp=213733&creative=393193&linkCode=shr&tag=n0680-20

"Little Miss" by Sugarland

This song has been on my mind for a while.  I bought this c.d. a couple of months ago and have listened to it a TON.  This song is one of those songs that, for me, once I heard it, it just completely resonates with me on a deep level.

This song is for all women/girls out there- regardless of your age- who have ever given up on love, who feel like they are about to give up on life, who feel like they have to always be strong because there is no one else looking out for them.  This song is for those who don't want to be seen or "worried" about anymore, who feel like no matter what they do they just make a bigger mess of things, who give everything they have to everyone else and are still lonely, and who are so exhausted because their personal best is never good enough.  This song is for those who keep going and going without rest, who are taken advantage of, who have lost so much and feel like they continue to lose  everything.  This song is for all those who have ever been pushed to be what everyone else wants or thinks they should be and have lost themselves in the process.  This song is for anyone who smiles even when they are distressed because they can never let their guard down; for those who are afraid to let people in and so they keep everyone on the outside.

For those of you who connect with what was said above and who connect to this song, you are strong.  Life is hard, but we make it.  All the losses you've felt will only make us appreciate when we win.  For as hard as it is today, you've just got to believe that it can get better.  And that's hard, but it will get better; I promise you.  There is always a brand new start, a way to be reborn, and when you least expect it is when you will be ready to open up and bless the world with who you are.  You are loved.

You are lovable and you just need to find those people in life who you can trust to define your love-ability.  And for those who make you doubt in yourself and feel less than you are worth; you let them go and you rebuild.  Don't trust your self-worth with just anybody; they have to have proven that they are deserving of it.  Once you understand that you are lovable and capable of loving, then you will be able to better see who deserves to be a part of your life.  You are loved.  Don't doubt it, not even for a second.

"Little Miss"

by Sugarland

Lyrics: 'Little miss "done on love", little miss "I give up", little miss "I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore".  Little miss "checkered dress", little miss "one big mess", little miss "I'll take less when I always give so much more".  It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.  Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win.  It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it'll be alright again.

It'll be alright again- I'm okay- it'll be alright again, I'm okay.  It'll be alright again, I'm okay.
Little miss "do your best", little miss "never rest", little miss "be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out".  Little miss "you'll go far", little miss "hide your scars", little miss "who you are is so much more than you like to talk about".  It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.  Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win.  It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it'll be alright again.  It'll be alright again- I'm okay- it'll be alright again, I'm okay.  It'll be alright again, I'm okay.  Hold on, hold on, you are loved.  Little miss "brand new start", little miss "do your part", little miss "big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love".  It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.  Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win.  It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it'll be alright again.  It'll be alright again- I'm okay- it'll be alright again, I'm okay.  It'll be alright again, I'm okay.'

Hopeful Adoptive-Parent Spotlight: The Jones Family

I am really excited to introduce you all to the Jones family.  They are a local family and are in the process of adopting 3 sisters from Ukraine.  There story is different from the other adoption spotlights I've done on here and so the questions are different.  Arin has provided us with a lot of information, as well as links to some blogs and news stories that have been done on her family.  Read.  Enjoy.  And let's help raise funds to get these sisters back to Utah to be with their forever family.  Also, the links to Arin's blogs have some beautiful pictures of these girls.  Arin sent me some pictures but I was unable to upload/download(?) them to my blog.  The girls are beautiful and happy and truly angelic.  Enjoy!

Your story is different from all of the couples I have spotlighted so far.  You already have biological children and are trying to adopt 3 sisters from Ukraine.  When and how did you first learn about these girls?

A friend of mine had found New Horizons For Children, a christian orphan hosting charity.  She was going to be hosting a boy from Latvia for the summer.  She posted pictures of other orphans needing a host family.  She posted a picture of the two girls who we ended up hosting and I immediately felt drawn to them in the picture.  The girls are from Ukraine.  Their sister stayed behind at the orphanage.

Tell us about your experience with International Adoption?  What were your expectations going through this process?  What did you not expect going through this process that has happened?

I expected it to be expensive.  It actually hasn't been as costly to adopt three children as I originally had expected.  The second and third siblings don't cost as much as the initial sibling.  But it still is a lot of money.  We are expecting the total to be about $45,000 that we need.

I wasn't expecting that we would be spending five to six weeks in Ukraine.  I am looking forward to it, but it is a long time for us to be away from our bio children and for my husband to be away from work.  My husband is hoping to be able to be in Ukraine the whole time to help me with the girls. 

I hadn't expected the girls to be so wonderful and able to adapt to our family so well.  They just fit right in.

When was the attachment connection between you and your husband and children first achieved with these 3 beautiful sisters from Ukraine?

We had been wondering how uncomfortable the hour long drive home from the airport would be when we went to pick them up at first.  But we need not have worried about it at all.  L, the older one, connected with my kids right away and did her best to communicate.  The girls speak no English and we speak no Russian/Ukrainian!  S, the younger one, did well when I let her play Angry Birds on my kindle.  She also connected with my kids. 

We knew from the first week that the girls were so good and absolutely needed to be adopted.  The only thing I knew about their family at that point is that there were 7 siblings, the oldest a boy and the rest girls, with the two oldest being 20 and 19 - therefore too old to be adopted.  I thought we might adopt the others and just imagined that we'd have to stay home for a year with five new children because of how crazy it was adjusting to only two at that point!  But later we came to learn that two of the siblings had passed away leaving only the two girls and their sister who had been left behind at the orphanage.

The really strong attachment for me came on the 4th of July, 6 days into the experience.  We had gotten up early in the morning to go to Provo and run the 1 mile race.  My daughter was carrying a cooler by herself and L ran to catch up with her to help my daughter carry the cooler.  I just had a strong feeling come over me that we were to adopt them.  Then, during the 1 mile race, I was walking with S and my five year old son.  My son became separated from me and S held his hand bringing him to me saying, "Mama."  She was looking out for him.  I got that same strong feeling that we were to adopt them. 

Tell us about the sisters.

  L (13) is very social and friendly.  She loves music and to dance.  She is good at dancing.  L had never ridden a bike before.  She picked up on biking quickly and it became one of her favorite activities.  She also enjoyed playing the piano which she hadn't done before either.  I gave her a few lessons.  She always begged me to play the main theme music from The Phantom of the Opera on the piano!  L idolizes my daughter in law.  L was always very excited to visit her.  L cooked a couple of Ukrainian dishes for us.  She loves getting together with other people.  She is also pretty daring.

S (10) laughs a lot and is very happy.  The only time she was sad was when she fell while biking.  I loved to watch her confidence develop throughout her stay with us.  I snuggled a lot with S and she just ate it right up.  S is afraid of deep water because she had an experience when she was with her birth family where she had been let go of in waves in the ocean.  But she was brave enough to go boating and enjoyed it immensely.           

Both sisters are intuitive and help others in need.  They both fit in very well in our family.  They both are generally happy.  They both love babies.  They both loved taking baths.  One of my favorite memories was when they wondered what the button on the side of the tub was for and I told them to go ahead and push it.  They did and pratically jumped out of the tub when the water jets started!  After that they loved turning on the water jets. 

They have a sister, D (12) who had been in the hospital when the New Horizons interview team was at their orphanage.  Because the team didn't know of D's existence, D wasn't able to come.  But L and S told us that she loves to laugh like S does. Both girls feel like our own bio children to both my husband and me.  And we love their sister even without having met her because of them.

What has been the biggest struggle in preparing to adopt these girls?

A big struggle has been know that my children would be okay with the adoption of the girls.  I have talked to them and to other adoptive parents, along with praying about it.  I know that as long as my husband and I stay on top of things, that my children will be okay along with our three new ones.

At this point my biggest struggle is coming up with the money for the adoption.  We did not go into the hosting program planning to adopt.  Our hearts were open to adoption, but I had been told that the girls were practically unadoptable because of all their siblings in different institutions.  We thought that at least we could make a difference in their lives by hosting them for five weeks.  As we learned that they were adoptable we became very open to adopting them.  We hadn't saved any money for adoption.  And, in fact, we had spent a lot of money on hosting them which included paying for them to get here, taking them to the dentist and eye doctor and buying them things like suitcases, clothing, toys, etc.  But I don't have fear about raising enough money because I know 100% that this is what God wants for these girls.  I have seen the hand of God throughout this whole experience - from choosing the girls to even now  

 What is the time-frame for the completion of the adoption?

We are just about done with the home study.  At this point it should take about two-three months to be at the point where we travel to Ukraine.  We expect to be in Ukraine for about 5 1/2 weeks and then we bring the girls home!

I understand you are fundraising in order to complete the adoption of these sisters.  What type of fundraising are you doing and where can we donate?  What will the donations be covering?

We have had yard-sales, bake sales and a $10 on 10/10 fundraiser.  I have also been selling things on Facebook indoor yard-sales   We have t-shirt sales ongoing.  Currently I have been doing a Cartwheeling to Ukraine fundraiser which ends tomorrow.  There is a story behind that one.  L had a hard 1 1/2 days about a week into the trip.  My husband and I worked with her and gave her as much love as we possibly could.  She was getting through it and in the evening we took the two girls biking.  We stopped at a church parking lot where the girls proceeded to do cartwheels.  L wanted Jay to do one so he did.  I stood there watching and just knew that if I did one too, it would really help with my bonding with L.  So I channeled my inner 11-year-old and managed to do one.  It really did do wonders for L and me.  So we created a fundraiser where people pledge a certain amount per cartwheel that I manage to do in a row tomorrow.  Next week we will start a 2nd cartwheel fundraiser where people send in pictures of themselves doing cartwheels along with a $10 donation.  We will post the pictures on our Facebook page and will have several prizes for several people who get the most likes.  We will have a $12 on 12/12/12 fundraiser also. 

People can donate through the donate button on our blog:  www.tripletreasuresfromukraine.blogspot.com

Anything else you would like to add that these questions didn't cover?

I just want to add that while we still have a long way to go to raise the amount of money that we need, we have appreciated all the support that our friends, the community and total strangers are giving us.  We will be eternally grateful to them.

Do you have a blog that you would like to share with those reading this today?  If so, what is the address of your blog?

www.tripletreasuresfromukraine.blogspot.com

We have a Triple Treasures From Ukraine facebook page also at https://www.facebook.com/santaquinrecreation1?ref=ts&fref=ts#!/TripleTreasuresFromUkraine

KSL ran a story recently at http://www.ksl.com/?nid=1009&sid=22399301

The Daily Herald ran a story just before we hosted at http://www.heraldextra.com/news/local/north/pleasant-grove/families-host-orphans-hope-to-change-their-lives/article_6a4de382-12d5-5ea2-892a-bc9ed6706d2d.html

My friend, who had hosted the Latvian boy, put together a wonderful video of the girls and our family here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jf6KAkHivj0&feature=youtu.be

It's Been a While

I feel bad that I haven't written for a while.  Things have been really busy for me.  A new semester started and I am in a Creative Non-fiction writing class, an Intermediate Poetry writing class, and an Intermediate Algebra class.  The combination of these classes means that I barely have time to sleep.  Also, I am tutoring 5th graders in reading at a local elementary school.  I'm trying to get other areas of my life in order as well, and so I've just had a lot of different things competing for my time.  What I've realized is that I need to include making time for writing on this blog, because this blog is an outlet for me.  It's a way for me to connect with people I care about and who care about open adoption.  My lack of writing doesn't mean that I haven't been thinking a lot about what I would write about.  And as usual, what I want to write about is hard to explain, but I will definitely try my hardest to say it.

My poetry class and my creative non-fiction class have really pushed my limits as far as writing and the construct behind writing.  I've always felt like I was an "okay" writer of poetry, but this class has shown me that... there is a lot I didn't know.  Ironically enough, I was more worried about going in to my creative non-fiction class because I didn't know what it would involve (this genre of writing is hard to define, therefore my hesitancy), but it's proven to be the class I am doing best in.  As for math... I have nothing pleasant to say about it.

The semester is officially half-way over.  And for the 8 weeks that have passed, I have been living in the land of memory because I've had to write a personal essay that was just critiqued in front of my entire class 2 days ago.  Not all of it has been pleasant.  For the next 7 weeks, I will continue residing in the land of memory, because I have another entire-class critique the week before finals.

I've been dealing with some other things on top of the stress of this semester.  Something I haven't written about that I am going to mention right now is that back in April of this year I decided to separate ways with my family.  I'm not going to go into the details of this decision on here, but I feel like it is necessary to let you all know because you all have been an important part in my growth and healing after placement, and honesty is important.

Simply put, this year has been hard.  The decision I made in April, I made because I felt like I was disappearing.  I can't describe that feeling.  I was caught up in so many people's extreme emotions and I was trying to make it all better for everyone involved, and what it was doing to me was erasing me.  It was at this time that I started considering that maybe I had a severe mental health disease because I didn't trust anyone, especially myself.  So, I did something for myself.  I shut myself off from all the confusion and I have been working through the confusion ever since.

I've been sorting through the confusion of my life and I'm better for it.  For as hard as this year has been for me, I'm grateful for it.  When you have people from every angle whispering insecurity in you and you lose your voice amidst all of the anger, that's when you begin to disappear.  I cut off all the noise and I'm better for it.  I'm more at peace with myself.  I'm more secure in myself.  I'm happier.  I think that's hard for certain people to hear because they don't want to believe it, but it's true.  I have a focused idea of where I want my life to go now and it's not competing with the whispers of everyone else.  Sometimes I still hear echoes of the whispers because of the actions of others' and how they are still affecting my life in an attempt to gain control, but I know how to ignore them now, and I'm better off for it.  Those people know who they are and I know how reading this post may make them feel, but that's not my problem anymore; it belongs with them.

I've been afraid to blog because everything I do right now is being analyzed by people who I really don't want to have contact with anymore.  But, this is my blog.  And these are my feelings.  And I will not stop expressing them.

On that note, I'd like to share a poem I came across that I've been thinking about over the course of this semester so far.  It is by Wislawa Szymborska who just recently passed away.  She is a woman of Polish descent who survived the Holocaust.  She has a beautiful way of expressing vulnerability and strength at the same time and I appreciate her poetry for that reason.  Enjoy.  The meaning is left up to you, that's the beauty of poetry (it is something for everyone); I already know what it means to me.

Under One Small Star

My apologies to change for calling it necessity.
My apologies to necessity if I'm mistaken, after all.
Please, don't be angry, happiness, that I take you as my due.
May my dead be patient with the way my memories fade.
My apologies to time for all the world I overlook each second.
My apologies to past loves for thinking that the latest is the first.
Forgive me, distant wars, for bringing flowers home.
Forgive me, open wounds, for pricking my finger.
I apologize for my record of minuets to those who cry from the depths.
I apologize to those who wait in railway stations for being asleep today at five a.m.
Pardon me, hounded hope, for laughing from time to time.
Pardon me, deserts, that I don't rush to you bearing a spoonful of water.
And you, falcon, unchanging year after year, always in the same cage, 
your gaze always fixed on the same point in space, 
forgive me, even if it turns out you were stuffed.
My apologies to the felled tree for the table's four legs.
My apologies to great questions for small answers.
Truth, please don't pay me much attention.
Dignity, please be magnanimous.
Bear with me, O mystery of existence, as I pluck the occasional thread from your train.
Soul, don't take offense that I've only got you now and then.
My apologies to everything that I can't be everywhere at once.
My apologies to everyone that I can't be each woman and each man.
I know I won't be justified as long as I live,
since I myself stand in my own way.
Don't bear me ill will, speech, that I borrow weighty words,
the labor heavily so that they may seem light.

-Wislawa Szymborska

Hopeful Adoptive Couple: Meet Melissa and Tim

I am excited to introduce you all to Melissa and Tim.  I have really enjoyed getting to know them and they are wonderfully kind people.  I was hoping to have their spotlight up last week but with the illness of my kitten and his passing, everything in my life got a bit delayed.  They have been so understanding and I appreciate the kindness that they have extended towards me.  So, without further ado, meet Melissa and Tim.

How did you meet your spouse?  How long did you both date before you decided to get married?  How long have you been married?

 Oh we love telling the story of how we met J 

The story begins with Melissa and her best friend deciding what to do one Saturday night in October.  They were close to New Brunswick and so the logical choice was the local college hang-out, The Melody.  Tim, as a regular fixture at the Melody, was there also and he spied Melissa & started to chat with her. Tim gathered the courage to ask for her number. Melissa wasn’t sure about this Stussy-baseball-hat-wearing-guy, but when he told her to feel his “rabbit soft hair” that cinched the deal & Melissa gave him her number. Little did Tim know, but this one comment appealed to Melissa’s love of animals, especially soft, furry ones!
Melissa received a scholarship to Duke University in North Carolina, so a good portion of our relationship was long distance. While Melissa headed to NC for a year of studies, and then a year in Washington DC, Tim remained in NJ. We both knew that to continue our relationship, we’d eventually have to minimize the 250 mile distance! Since Tim was traveling for work at the time, it was much easier for him to move. So the decision was made to be as close as you could be:  we moved in together.  
We bought a home, we adopted two adorable cats, we got married, we built a happy life together jam-packed full of memories with family and friends, hikes in the woods, kayak trips on the river, and travel.  We can’t believe how much time has flown by.  We’re about to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in October and are as much in love as we were back in 2002!  We’re looking forward to sharing our future and a whole lot of love with a little one to call our own and create even more happy memories!

What was the first thing you really came to appreciate about your spouse and why was that quality/characteristic important to you [if the ladies of the couple are answering this, then grab your husband's and have them answer it for you as well ;)  ]?

 Melissa about Tim: Wow, only one thing, that’s pretty hard because he’s such a good mix of characteristics – he’s kind, he’s affectionate, he’s strong and protective (he cooks! He adores animals!).  Sorry, I really can’t pick just one).  When we were dating, I realized he was “the one” when I’d had a bad day and he just made it (in fact, everything) seem better.  He didn’t get worked up about it, he was calm and supportive.  Friends call me a “smitten kitten” when I talk about Tim but I do adore him and I know he’ll be an amazing, caring father.  I can’t wait!

 Tim about Melissa: Melissa has a wonderful way of having fun with life. Her ability to be silly and cute, and enjoy even the most mundane things, makes my life with her that much better. She balances this fun and silly side with intelligence and focus when it's needed. She is definitely one of the smartest people I've ever met. We have a very similar sense of humor and make each other laugh every day. Whenever I see here I can't help but smile. We really do compliment each other's personalities. I often think, "How did I get so lucky?"

Do you have any current family traditions that you celebrate as a family?  If so, how did these traditions begin?

 Well there are lots of traditions that we both bring from our families but with just the two of us, we created some new ones:  For Christmas, we pick out the Christmas tree on December 12^th (an important family tradition for Melissa is observing the 12 days of Christmas).  At the Christmas Tree lot, we go rooting around in search of the perfect tree for us – usually Melissa just knows which one it is and proceeds to literally hug it… yes, she’s a tree hugger!   

We kick off the Christmas season with friends and family and their little ones with an annual holiday Cookie Makin’, Bakin’ and Decoratin’ (and Eatin’) Party that we host at our house.  The smell of freshly baked cookies fills the air, sprinkles, cookie decorations, powdered sugar and cookie icing is absolutely everywhere but it is so much fun!  We cap it off with warm cookies, cold milk and a viewing of Elf.  We can’t wait to introduce our little one(s) to this annual tradition! 

For Tim’s father’s birthday all the siblings, spouses and the kids gather for an awesome day of apple picking.  It is so much fun.  There’s tree climbing, apple tossing, apple eating, a lot of joking, apple wagon riding and photo taking!  The crisp Fall day always wraps up with a delicious meal with the whole gang. 

When we bring our little one home, we know that we’ll be celebrating many more traditions – some silly like Half Birthdays; pancake day (like we celebrate in England) ; trick or treating in home-made costumes (it was so much fun planning and making our costumes); later first day of school.  Putting shoes out for the return of the three kings like Melissa’s mother did when she was a little girl; writing letters to Santa; the traditional Easter Egg hunt around the house… all sorts of customs from both our childhoods that we can’t to share!

If you currently do not have children, how long have you been trying to grow your family?

We’ll be married 10 years in October – we are so happy with each other that it doesn’t seem that long!  Well, about 4 years into our marriage we decided to start trying to have a family.  We struggled for years to get pregnant and sought medical help.  After years of being jabbed by needles; having enough blood drawn to satisfy all the vampires in TrueBlood and Twilight combined; we finally got pregnant! But sadly, we miscarried each time.  It was too much.  We realized, at this point, there was another way.  One that would actually help someone else as much as it would help us:  Adoption was the clear answer!

We completed our homestudy in December of 2011, we were so excited to start the New Year on a positive note: We were going to build our family through adoption and we’ve been telling EVERYONE ever since!

How has your experience in the world of adoption mirrored or changed your expectation of adoption?

 Well, we knew it would take time.  We’ve been really fortunate to have a lot of cheerleaders (family, friends, and total strangers!) who’re there to encourage us.  Because we’re pursuing independent adoption, we are doing all the outreach and raising awareness ourselves (so we’re really thankful to Kathryn for profiling us on her blog) – we tell everyone we meet, and total strangers are so kind with encouragement, good luck and blessings. 

We’re not looking for “a baby” we’re looking for “our baby”.  We know that when the time is right a very special woman will read our profile and make the courageous step to call us.  We believe she’ll know in her heart that we’re the couple she wants to raise her baby…. Wow, we just can’t wait for that connection and to meet her!

How do you define open adoption?  What is open adoption to you?

We would define an adoption as open when the adoptive and biological parents  know each other and maintain a relationship before, during, and after the adoption – all for the benefit of the child(ren). The degree of openness will depend upon the circumstances of the expectant mother and father.  As the parents to our little one, we would always want our child(ren) to feel secure that we are their parents forever and they are part of our family forever.  There will be no secret for our little one(s) that they were adopted - precious, cherished, and wanted.  Having them know about their birth-family is an important part of this.

We do plan to work out a written agreement with our birth-mother.  We certainly do not want to break any promises after we have received the most amazing gift.  We want to honor our birthmother’s choice and trust in us to be absolutely brilliant adoptive parents.

What would your ideal relationship with "your" birth-mother be, pre-placement?  (Would you like to attend Dr. Appointments with her, have her to Sunday dinners, get together on a monthly basis for a movie, &etc?  How involved would you, ideally, like to be involved, &etc.)

 Well in an ideal scenario, we’d be absolutely thrilled to accompany our birth-mother to the doctor(s).  We know that this is totally up to our birth-mother but we would feel very honored if she would allow us to enjoy the milestones of her pregnancy with her. 

Again, ideally, we’d like to be within reasonable driving distance. This would allow for more frequent face to face meetings and visits. If an expectant mother is interested in us as potential adoptive parents for her baby, and isn’t geographically close, we’d use technology to get to know each other.  We were in a long distance relationship for a long time so we know that postcards, emails, texts, video chat and calls can really bridge the distance!

Getting to the point of being totally comfortable with each other, and building a real friendship with the birth-mother is important to us, but if this is not the desire of the birth-mother, we would, of course, honor her decision, and always be grateful for allowing us to build a family.

If you have yet to adopt, how do you anticipate building a relationship with the birth-mother?  How important do you perceive the relationship between you and birth-mother to be throughout the entire process that is adoption (pre-placement, placement, post-placement)?

 The key would be for as much communication as possible.  Of course this starts with that first phone call from an expectant mother… it is thrilling for us, but we’re sure is pretty nerve-wracking for an expectant mother!  Hopefully our profile has given some sense of who we are, but we know the expectant mom will have many questions for us as she makes her big decision.  We know she may have some tough questions but we always promise to be truthful and, of course, we would expect the same.  You can’t build a relationship unless there’s a good foundation of respect and honesty. 

We’d take our lead for the relationship from the expectant mother, while we’re eager to build our family through adoption; we want our birthmother to make her decisions because it is what SHE wants.  We’d hope that she has a good circle of family and friends, as well as the birthfather, who’d support her in her decision.  We’re ready to talk to the birthfather, relatives, friends and anyone else that the expectant mom would want us to – so that she can make her decision.

As we move forward toward placement, we’d do everything to keep that open communication going, by being supportive of her needs and wishes.  Of course we know that this will be an emotional time and believe our foundation of honesty will carry us through.  We’d hope that we’d become friends to continue a relationship after placement.  Not just for the benefit of our adopted child(ren) but because of how much respect and admiration we’d have for the woman who’d choose us.

For any young woman considering placing her child for adoption, and who is reading this right now, what do you want to say to her? 

First, anyone considering making a plan for adoption is extremely brave.  To make such an unselfish and absolutely loving decision is amazing.  We can’t even begin to imagine how difficult this must be, and know that what’s in front of you now is an enormous life decision.  We imagine that picking THE best parents that YOU want for this little one may seem quite daunting.  But know that many, many people would cherish your little one – just as we would.  You are giving an adoptive parent the greatest gift possible, and as you talk with potential adoptive parents for your child, we believe you will know when you have met the right ones.

We want you to have the peace of mind that we will be the best parents we possibly can be – loving – encouraging – giving all the opportunities that we possibly can, so that this baby has an amazingly bright and happy future..  We want you to know, through conversations and meeting us that we have the foundation (in a great friendship and marriage) to provide a loving, secure and fun future for this baby.  We would forever consider it a privilege to be shaping a young lady or young man, instilling in them self-confidence, and compassion for others.  We would encourage them in their own pursuits; helping to bring out their own, unique personality.  We hope that with an open adoption, we can confirm that the decision you made, to pick us, was absolutely the right one. 

Do you have a blog that you would like to share with those reading this today?  If so, what is the address of your blog?

Yes, we’d love anyone reading this to consider getting to know us a little more by visiting our website www.melissaandtimadopt.wordpress.com 

Thank you!

♥

Loss, We Meet Again... Again

I've been trying to figure out how I wanted to write about this.  My little kitten, Mischief, died on Thursday.  He had feline infectious peritonitus.  If this post feels familiar to you, it's because this has already happened... with my last kitten, Ellipses.  I have no words to explain the frustration I feel over losing 2 kittens within a matter of months.

I have sat down half a dozen times to blog about this only I have no idea what I want to say about any of it.  I am feeling so many emotions all at once.  I figured I would tell you about it all, but I don't want to re-hash it and so I'm not.  The summary?  Mischief was a healthy kitten for 2 weeks and then he started to get weak.  He had anemia, and then his belly started to bloat.  The vet recommended a change of diet, so we put him on prescribed food and that helped for 1 week.  And then he started to lose weight that he didn't have and then his belly bloat came back.  A urinalysis proved that he was eliminating vast amounts of protein through his urine, meaning that he wasn't gaining muscle.  He began to fever and became so exhausted that he couldn't even make it to his litter box, so he would pee on himself and lay in it.  I got to the point where I was coming home from work during lunch n order to move him to his water bowl and food bowl so that he could eat in hopes to keep up his energy levels until we knew what was going on with him.  I would also place him in his litter box so he could relieve himself.  The blood work proved that what he had was fatal and that his intestines were shutting down and next would be his heart.  That's when I made the decision to have him put to sleep.  That was this past Thursday.

And that's all I've got to say.  I'm trying to find the wisdom in all of this.  With Ellipses I learned a lot about love and the hidden emotions that come up unexpectedly for a birth mother when faced with loss.  This time around, I'm mad.  I don't know who I'm mad at though.  If you all knew half the stuff I've been dealing with this summer, then perhaps this post would make more sense to you.  This summer has been a ridiculous one with hardship after hardship.  Mischief was the one thing I looked forward to every day.  He made me smile and he made me chill out and let things happen as they happen and not try to control them.  His little meow was the cutest thing ever.  And his purr was calming.  I don't think he ever knew how truly small he was in stature because he would parade around like a lion.  And though his meow was tiny and quiet, I think he probably felt like a king when he would vocalize.  I loved him.  He was my little friend and he depended on me and he died; I'm not even going to touch up on how confusing the emotions are that surround that realization.

My roommates cat, Mayhem, has since waited by my bedroom door for Mischief's little paw to peek underneath and for them to be able to play by paw.  Once his health started to decline, I kept Mischief quarantined in my room until we knew what he had for sure.  And during their separation, that was their way of staying in contact with each other.  It breaks my heart when I see Mayhem waiting patiently for Mischief's paw to come out.  I pick him up and cuddle him and tell him, "I'm sorry bug.  He isn't here anymore" and then he meows.

It all seems ridiculous to me.  When does one experience enough loss to finally be left alone?  That's the one thought that has occupied my mind?  Sometimes I feel like I am responsible for death because I've seen enough of it in my lifetime.  That sounds so dramatic.  And I know I'm not responsible for death, but I'm sick of it.  I just wish that I found something lasting and that it wouldn't leave.  I know that I am responsible for my actions and my actions have led to separations and I get that.  But the things that are out of my control... those moments are still plagued by absence and missing and loss and I'm exhausted by it.  For the short month that I had Mischief... I just can't even express how much I grew to love him and look forward to his company.  There is something about a tiny fury creature who is dependent on you that finally gives you perspective, and that was Mischief.  I miss him a lot.

Language is Perspective

I just read an article on The Salt Lake Tribune about Open Adoption and it was an informative article.  For those of you who don't know, the adoption practices of Utah in comparison with other states, has been called in to question; what that question is has morphed in to something rather ugly and bigger than it needs to be, in my opinion.

Initially it started with the rights of birth-fathers and what exactly their rights are.  This is a sensitive place for me.  In my work life, we help mediate divorces and get a stipulation in order that will be turned in to an Order through the court system.  Most often than not, the divorces involve children and we set up parent time plans and calendars.  More often lately we've seen a lot of mediations come through that are paternity mediations, meaning mom and dad weren't married, but dad wants rights.  I think this is great to a degree.  That sound harsh.  It's hard to separate my individual experience with everyone else's.  I need to remember that not all birth-fathers have put the birth-mother's life in danger on multiple occasions and not all birth-father's would be a danger to their child.  In fact, sometimes it's the exact opposite, only mom doesn't want dad to have any custody or rights because that would limit the amount of child support she receives from him; she wants him to have just enough in order to get money from him.  It's the truth and it's disgusting.  But, I digress.

Should birth-father's have legal rights in the adoption process?  That's the initial question to the debate that has unfolded.  Though, now it has morphed in to every birth-mother who has had a bad experience through the adoption process coming forth and bad mouthing open adoption because of their singular bad experience.  Do promises get made that aren't kept?  Yes, probably more often than not, and that's wrong.  And if you are an adoptive parent who promised the moon and stars only to pull the rug out from the birth-mother once the adoption was finalized, then serious shame on you.  However, as a birth-mother/parent, it is important for us to set boundaries for ourselves and the child we placed because, truth of the matter is, we signed our rights away.  So there is reprimand to go around on every angle of this debate.  There is not one side that is purer than the other, the only purity out of all of this is the child that was born and placed; they are the light.

It wasn't the article that bothered me.  It was the comments being made that were truly disturbing.  Critical phrases were being thrown right and left and accusations from one's personal experiences were being generalized on the "whole" experience that is adoption.  I typically don't make practice to respond to newspaper articles, but I did on this one.

Here's what we all need to remember folks:
-Don't make promises you can't keep.
-Don't place your child for adoption with people you aren't 1000% sure about.
-Set boundaries for yourself, this goes for birth-parents, adoptive parents, and extended family.
-Know your weakness and anticipate it surfacing through rehabilitation.  For a birth-mother, this would be feelings of anger towards the adoptive family because they can offer what you can't.  That's natural, but it doesn't mean that it's "their" fault.  It's not your fault, it is what it is.  There are always going to be the what-ifs to any situation and there are always going to be acknowledgment for things you could have done differently, and that's the point... and that's why it isn't "their" fault.  As for an adoptive parent, I can only assume what the feelings might be, and this blog is not the place for assumptions, so I'm not even going to go there.
-Be kind with your language.  A child wasn't "given up", they were placed.  In my case, he was placed lovingly and with a tear-drenched head into the arms of his parent's social worker.
-Your experience isn't the "whole" definable experience.  Do not ever dare associate all of what open adoption is with your experience only.  I've had a great experience; I'm one of the lucky birth-mother's whose adoptive couple kept their word and were honest when they weren't able to make promises.  I know this isn't the case for every birth-mother out there and that's unfortunate.  On the flip-side of that proverbial coin, if your experience as a birth-mother is rotten, that doesn't mean that all of Open-Adoption is, so be careful in how you express your experience, because it may feel all encompassing and total, but it isn't, it is your's and very singular in the details.
-This isn't about you (adoptive parent or birth-parent).  "This", meaning open adoption, is about what is BEST for the child who is placed.  Remember that.

Here is my fear.  If the fight gets bigger and the sides get more defined and the "vision" of open-adoption gets so completely muddied by individual experiences, then it will be legislated.  The law will get involved and it will make it definable.  For the adoptive parents out there who are reneging on their promises, you are damaging more than just a birth-mother's soul.  You are throwing the gauntlet and forcing legislation to make a decision that could potentially harm you in the future and the promises you make.  For the birth-mother's who demand a constant presence in the child's life that you no longer have legal rights to, you are throwing the gauntlet and forcing legislation to make a decision that will impact every future birth-mother to come, and that may not be for the best, even though in your individual case it might be.  An entire communities rights should NEVER be defined by an individual's wrongs or victimization and that is what I'm afraid will come from this debate.

It started simple, should birth-fathers have a say in the placement of the child (I still don't fully have an opinion on this, because my opinion is clouded by personal experience).  It's morphed in to, should verbal contracts made before placement be binding after placement.  In one instance, the answer is an easy "yes" because, perhaps then, people will be more careful in what they want to promise.  Then again, the answer is an easy "no" because by legalizing everything, the communication will be forced and "force" is not good for a child.  There is no balance in enforcement.

Meet Kristina and Mike: Hopeful Adoptive Parents

How did you meet your spouse?  How long did you both date before you decided to get married?  How long have you been married?

We were high school sweethearts!  We met on the school bus when we were 15 years old, right at the beginning of sophomore year.  We were married nine years later; and we recently celebrated our ten year Wedding Anniversary!  Time really flies! 

  

What was the first thing you really came to appreciate about your spouse and why was that quality/characteristic important to you [if the ladies of the couple are answering this, then grab your husband's and have them answer it for you as well ;)  ]?

Oh there are so many things we love and admire about each other!  These are taken right from our Adoption Profile...

About my wife, Kit... the love of my life: I have known Kit for nearly 19 years and each day I am more impressed by her.  She is beautiful and elegant, but simple in her tastes.  She has always been extremely talented, but modest.  She is organized, professional, and keeps our household running, while still working part-time.  She has been a supportive and loving companion in the triumphs and defeats we have faced in our life together.  She possesses an intuitive emotional intelligence that is a defining quality and makes her an extremely effective communicator.  We met when we were 15 years old, and as we've grown together, she has helped me see when I need to be critical of my own shortcomings.  There is so much to admire about Kit.  I am honored to be her husband.

About my husband, Mike: Mike is my best friend and I can't imagine being on life's journey with anyone else but him.  We have known each other almost 19 years and have been through so much as a couple.  Mike is kind and understanding, fun and energetic, intelligent and driven.  He has always been there to cheer me on with my accomplishments and has been a shoulder to lean on during our most difficult times.  Mike is an incredible father and it is always a joy to watch him with Tommy.  He has so much love to share!  I look forward to all the moments we have ahead of us as a family.

Do you have any current family traditions that you celebrate as a family?  If so, how did these traditions begin?

We are both quite nostalgic and sentimental people.  So we tend to have a lot of family traditions, many of which originated from our own families and some that we have started on our own.  Around the Christmas holiday, we usually spend a whole day searching for the perfect Christmas tree.  We decorate while listening to Christmas carols and spend the rest of the night sitting by the fire, drinking hot cocoa, and admiring our creation!  We also love getting together with family to spend a day baking and decorating holiday cookies.  Christmas Eve is always a big day of celebration in Kit's family.  The last four years, we have had both sides of our family to our home for both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day celebrations.  Everyone helps pitch in and it's always so nice to have our whole family together!

Every 4th of July weekend, we get together with Mike's side of the family at their family cottage in Canada.  Mike and his brother spent many summers there growing up.  This is where Mike proposed to Kit; and it remains one of our favorite places to spend a long weekend.  We enjoy swimming, fishing, waterskiing, going for a boat ride, or just relaxing on the dock.  4th of July weekend is always a great time to be reunited with family.

We have many traditions like our annual luau, special ornaments we get for each other for Christmas, Halloween traditions, and many others...   

If you currently have children, how many children do you currently have?  Are they biological?  Are they adopted?

We have one son, Thomas.  We were blessed with his arrival in 2010, through the miracle of domestic open adoption.  He is an incredible little guy, who brings so much joy to our lives!  We know he will be an amazing big brother! 

If you currently do not have children, how long have you been trying to grow your family?

After Tommy's second Birthday, we were excited to begin the process of trying to adopt again.  We have been homestudy ready since May and have been spreading the word to everyone we know!

If not already explained, how did you come to the decision to adopt?

We were married when we were 24 years old.  Like many couples, we delayed starting a family for a few years until we were both done with school and our professional trainings.  We didn't consider that conceiving would be a problem.  However, when things turned out longer than planned, we attempted to grow our family with the assistance of fertility treatments.  After a couple disappointments, we were excited to move forward and begin the adoption process.  We both grew up knowing families who adopted children or are adoptees themselves.  So it felt like a natural decision for us.    

  

How has your experience in the world of adoption mirrored or changed your expectation of adoption?

As much as we were excited to begin the adoption process, we were admittedly a bit guarded and protective as well going in.  There are still many misconceptions about adoption and there is a lot of stigma out there.  Most of the people in our life were so amazingly supportive of us, but other times we would receive comments from people that were negative, naive, or just plain rude; and sometimes it's hard to not let those things affect you during the wait.  As time went on, we just realized that we had to be true to ourselves and not let negativity get the best of us.  We focused on our positive supports and regularly educated ourselves on adoption.  

Ultimately, our experience with adoption has far exceeded our expectations... and we feel like we've opened a lot of eyes by sharing our experience with others!  We credit our relationship with Tommy's birth parents, A and M, for making this process so wonderful.  The honest and open communication, in addition to just the general friendship we have developed, has been more than we ever expected!  We know that every adoption situation is different and special; and we look forward to seeing what's ahead of us this second time around!        

If you currently have children who are adopted, what is your current relationship with the birth-mothers/birth-families of your children?

We have a very close relationship with our son's birth parents, along with one set of birth grandparents and uncles.  We met Tommy's birth parents through a family friend when they were three months into the pregnancy; and we were really able to establish a close and trusting relationship with them.  We currently live close to one another and see each other fairly frequently, about every 1-2 months.  We recently offered some muscle power to help them move into their new apartment!  And in May, we celebrated with them as they welcomed the arrival of their daughter, Tommy's birth sister, who they are parenting.    

If you currently have children who are adopted, do you have any traditions that their birth-mothers/birth-fathers share in on?  If so, what are they?  (eg., my adoptive couple gives me an ornament every year with a picture of Baby Boy in it, and I love it and appreciate it so much).

We see Tommy's birth parents fairly frequently and they've been involved in many of Tommy's milestones.  We share lots of pictures and are in touch regularly through text, phone calls, and Facebook.  As far as traditions, we always celebrate Birth Mother's Day and Birth Father's Day (which doesn't actually exist, but we celebrate it anyway!) together.  We also make a point to get together around Christmas and Birthdays.  Each Christmas, we've given Tommy's birth parents and birth grandparents a holiday picture of Tommy with Santa Clause!

How do you define open adoption?  What is open adoption to you?

Generally, we define open adoption as the sharing of information or contacts between a a child, birth family, and adoptive family.  For us, open adoption has meant much more to us than that.  It has given our son and us the opportunity to have an ongoing lifelong relationship with our son's birth parents.  Tommy often hears his adoption story, but through our open adoption relationship, he has the chance to truly know and experience the love and care that his birth parents have for him.  Now that Tommy has a birth sister, this relationship has become even more meaningful, as Tommy and his sister will both have the opportunity to know one another and grow up generally alongside each other. 

We know that every situation is different though and we may not have the same kind of relationship with another birth family in the future.  We feel that for us, open adoption, means meeting each other where each person is, in regards to what feels comfortable and what makes sense for everyone involved.

  

What would your ideal relationship with "your" birth-mother be, pre-placement?  (Would you like to attend Dr. Appointments with her, have her to Sunday dinners, get together on a monthly basis for a movie, &etc?  How involved would you, ideally, like to be involved, &etc.)

We suppose an ideal relationship would be one in which everyone feels comfortable with the communication and contact, whatever the circumstance may be.  For us, pre-placement meant following the lead of the expectant parents.  We felt so blessed to have been able to attend doctor appointments, meet up for dinners, go bowling a few times, and the most amazing part- being there to coach and hold A's hand as she gave birth to our son!  However, we feel this was only possible through communication and having a relationship in which we allowed and supported A and M in being in control of the process.      

If you already have adopted children, in your experience, what part of the adoption process (pre-placement, placement, post-placement) have you found to be the most important to the building of the relationship between you and the birth-mother?

If we had to choose, pre-placement was probably the most meaningful in our relationship with our son's birth parents.  It was a time when all of us were probably at our most vulnerable.  As we had a six month waiting period, we were really able to establish trust with one another, which is so critical.  We feel that every stage of our relationship with Tommy's birth parents though, is so important.  As in any relationship, there are no rules and the dynamics can always shift and change.  Maintaining open and genuine communication is so important.  Like any other relationship, things are always growing and developing.     

If you have yet to adopt, how do you anticipate building a relationship with the birth-mother?  How important do you perceive the relationship between you and birth-mother to be throughout the entire process that is adoption (pre-placement, placement, post-placement)?

Like we said, we believe that communication is key!  During pre-placement, we really tried to keep the focus on the expectant parents.  We could never truly know what their experience was like, but we tried to give them as much support as we could, while also allowing them their space and a sense of control over the process.  We mainly tried to follow their lead through pre-placement and placement.

Moving forward, communication still remains critical, as A & M will always be a part of Tommy's and our lives.  When we learned about their pregnancy with Tommy's birth sister, we were so happy for them!  However, the question quickly came to our minds around whether they would still want to maintain the same level of contact with Tommy and us.  Would they want time and space to focus on the new baby?  Would they want the children to have an ongoing relationship?  When we spoke with them about this, we were excited and relieved to hear they wanted things to stay the same!  Things may change over time, but we feel the communication and our child-centered approach is so important moving forward.     

For any young woman considering placing her child for adoption, and who is reading this right now, what do you want to say to her?

We understand this can be a challenging time and we wish you comfort.  We encourage you to know all your options in regards to your pregnancy- whether to parent, make an adoption plan, get help from family/friends, etc.  It may be a lot to consider, but be true to yourself and have your voice be heard!  Like we said, communication is key, especially when things do not feel right or comfortable for you.  This is not the end... only the beginning!  Your child will always know how much you loved him/her.           

Do you have a blog that you would like to share with those reading this today?  If so, what is the address of your blog?

Yes we do! Our blog shares our experience with open adoption, along with our plans to grow our family again through adoption!  Thank you for letting us share and for taking the time to learn more about us! http://www.KristinaMikeAdopt.blogspot.com