― Nathaniel Hawthorne
I love this quote. I've been thinking about the topic of happiness a lot lately and then also about this quote. I think it is natural to think that happiness must always be with you... or that if you are unhappy then you are ungrateful. And so you settle on a happy that isn't happy, but is... something drastically less, because you don't want to be ungrateful and so you will be "happy".
This post is starting to sound like I'm depressed. Actually, I'm not. Something happened to me this past week that I am still thinking on. I've been sick for the last month. I'm not joking. I'm stressed, I'm cold, I don't get near enough sleep, and I don't have enough recuperation time to get over being sick. I've had everything from the stomach flu to this winter's brand of lingering cold. And for the first while... I was exhausted with frustration at not feeling well, and that exhaustion was eating at me emotionally.
It was in a moment of... I don't know what you would call it... it felt desperate. In this moment of "desperation" I let someone I love dearly know that "things" aren't easy. I opened up to this person and afterwards I felt ashamed, but the response I received back was pretty spectacular. They let me know that they appreciate me not "sugar-coating the hell" out of what I was trying to say. They told me that in letting them know how hard of a time I've been having but how I'm pushing through it made them feel like I was actually letting them in to the person that is me. I haven't been able to stop thinking about that ever since.
This week has not been easy. I began to feel better last Sunday. That was the first day in a long time that I felt human and not like a walking illness. I was able to get up and clean and my energy lasted all day, not just a couple of hours. And then by Tuesday, I was coughing again, only my cough was worse and moved into my lungs. My schedule this year does not allow for being sick and so I had to push through it all week. And then Friday came and I got home and I was fevering. I spent all last weekend fevering as well. I don't have insurance. I can't afford the doctor and so I just treated myself.
The major difference from this weekend and last weekend, was this weekend... I'm not waiting for things to get worse. It's something I've been focusing on for the last couple of weeks or so. I've always been a person who constantly anticipates that things can always be worse... and so I should be grateful and appreciative of what I have now because even if what I have now is a fever... well, it can always get worse. The person I am now and that I am focusing on becoming is a person who always anticipates that something greater is around the corner. And that's the difference. I still don't feel my best but I know that I won't always be sick. I know that the cold of winter won't always be so biting. I know that all the frustrations and all the pain and anger I've felt for the longest time... it's melting. It will resurface here and there, but that's life. The place I was 1 year ago was dark and angry and hopeless and I was on the verge of inner destruction; that's not an exaggeration. I was so lost and all that I knew was that I was lost in anger. I've made a lot of changes since then and for the first time in my entire life I know what it means to feel quiet and peaceful and aware of the softness of happiness.
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