Thursday, August 9, 2012

Meet Kristina and Mike: Hopeful Adoptive Parents


How did you meet your spouse?  How long did you both date before you decided to get married?  How long have you been married?
We were high school sweethearts!  We met on the school bus when we were 15 years old, right at the beginning of sophomore year.  We were married nine years later; and we recently celebrated our ten year Wedding Anniversary!  Time really flies! 
  
What was the first thing you really came to appreciate about your spouse and why was that quality/characteristic important to you [if the ladies of the couple are answering this, then grab your husband's and have them answer it for you as well ;)  ]?
Oh there are so many things we love and admire about each other!  These are taken right from our Adoption Profile...

About my wife, Kit... the love of my life: I have known Kit for nearly 19 years and each day I am more impressed by her.  She is beautiful and elegant, but simple in her tastes.  She has always been extremely talented, but modest.  She is organized, professional, and keeps our household running, while still working part-time.  She has been a supportive and loving companion in the triumphs and defeats we have faced in our life together.  She possesses an intuitive emotional intelligence that is a defining quality and makes her an extremely effective communicator.  We met when we were 15 years old, and as we've grown together, she has helped me see when I need to be critical of my own shortcomings.  There is so much to admire about Kit.  I am honored to be her husband.

About my husband, Mike: Mike is my best friend and I can't imagine being on life's journey with anyone else but him.  We have known each other almost 19 years and have been through so much as a couple.  Mike is kind and understanding, fun and energetic, intelligent and driven.  He has always been there to cheer me on with my accomplishments and has been a shoulder to lean on during our most difficult times.  Mike is an incredible father and it is always a joy to watch him with Tommy.  He has so much love to share!  I look forward to all the moments we have ahead of us as a family.

Do you have any current family traditions that you celebrate as a family?  If so, how did these traditions begin?
We are both quite nostalgic and sentimental people.  So we tend to have a lot of family traditions, many of which originated from our own families and some that we have started on our own.  Around the Christmas holiday, we usually spend a whole day searching for the perfect Christmas tree.  We decorate while listening to Christmas carols and spend the rest of the night sitting by the fire, drinking hot cocoa, and admiring our creation!  We also love getting together with family to spend a day baking and decorating holiday cookies.  Christmas Eve is always a big day of celebration in Kit's family.  The last four years, we have had both sides of our family to our home for both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day celebrations.  Everyone helps pitch in and it's always so nice to have our whole family together!

Every 4th of July weekend, we get together with Mike's side of the family at their family cottage in Canada.  Mike and his brother spent many summers there growing up.  This is where Mike proposed to Kit; and it remains one of our favorite places to spend a long weekend.  We enjoy swimming, fishing, waterskiing, going for a boat ride, or just relaxing on the dock.  4th of July weekend is always a great time to be reunited with family.

We have many traditions like our annual luau, special ornaments we get for each other for Christmas, Halloween traditions, and many others...   

If you currently have children, how many children do you currently have?  Are they biological?  Are they adopted?
We have one son, Thomas.  We were blessed with his arrival in 2010, through the miracle of domestic open adoption.  He is an incredible little guy, who brings so much joy to our lives!  We know he will be an amazing big brother! 

If you currently do not have children, how long have you been trying to grow your family?
After Tommy's second Birthday, we were excited to begin the process of trying to adopt again.  We have been homestudy ready since May and have been spreading the word to everyone we know!

If not already explained, how did you come to the decision to adopt?
We were married when we were 24 years old.  Like many couples, we delayed starting a family for a few years until we were both done with school and our professional trainings.  We didn't consider that conceiving would be a problem.  However, when things turned out longer than planned, we attempted to grow our family with the assistance of fertility treatments.  After a couple disappointments, we were excited to move forward and begin the adoption process.  We both grew up knowing families who adopted children or are adoptees themselves.  So it felt like a natural decision for us.    
  
How has your experience in the world of adoption mirrored or changed your expectation of adoption?
As much as we were excited to begin the adoption process, we were admittedly a bit guarded and protective as well going in.  There are still many misconceptions about adoption and there is a lot of stigma out there.  Most of the people in our life were so amazingly supportive of us, but other times we would receive comments from people that were negative, naive, or just plain rude; and sometimes it's hard to not let those things affect you during the wait.  As time went on, we just realized that we had to be true to ourselves and not let negativity get the best of us.  We focused on our positive supports and regularly educated ourselves on adoption.  

Ultimately, our experience with adoption has far exceeded our expectations... and we feel like we've opened a lot of eyes by sharing our experience with others!  We credit our relationship with Tommy's birth parents, A and M, for making this process so wonderful.  The honest and open communication, in addition to just the general friendship we have developed, has been more than we ever expected!  We know that every adoption situation is different and special; and we look forward to seeing what's ahead of us this second time around!        

If you currently have children who are adopted, what is your current relationship with the birth-mothers/birth-families of your children?
We have a very close relationship with our son's birth parents, along with one set of birth grandparents and uncles.  We met Tommy's birth parents through a family friend when they were three months into the pregnancy; and we were really able to establish a close and trusting relationship with them.  We currently live close to one another and see each other fairly frequently, about every 1-2 months.  We recently offered some muscle power to help them move into their new apartment!  And in May, we celebrated with them as they welcomed the arrival of their daughter, Tommy's birth sister, who they are parenting.    

If you currently have children who are adopted, do you have any traditions that their birth-mothers/birth-fathers share in on?  If so, what are they?  (eg., my adoptive couple gives me an ornament every year with a picture of Baby Boy in it, and I love it and appreciate it so much).
We see Tommy's birth parents fairly frequently and they've been involved in many of Tommy's milestones.  We share lots of pictures and are in touch regularly through text, phone calls, and Facebook.  As far as traditions, we always celebrate Birth Mother's Day and Birth Father's Day (which doesn't actually exist, but we celebrate it anyway!) together.  We also make a point to get together around Christmas and Birthdays.  Each Christmas, we've given Tommy's birth parents and birth grandparents a holiday picture of Tommy with Santa Clause!

How do you define open adoption?  What is open adoption to you?
Generally, we define open adoption as the sharing of information or contacts between a a child, birth family, and adoptive family.  For us, open adoption has meant much more to us than that.  It has given our son and us the opportunity to have an ongoing lifelong relationship with our son's birth parents.  Tommy often hears his adoption story, but through our open adoption relationship, he has the chance to truly know and experience the love and care that his birth parents have for him.  Now that Tommy has a birth sister, this relationship has become even more meaningful, as Tommy and his sister will both have the opportunity to know one another and grow up generally alongside each other. 

We know that every situation is different though and we may not have the same kind of relationship with another birth family in the future.  We feel that for us, open adoption, means meeting each other where each person is, in regards to what feels comfortable and what makes sense for everyone involved.
  
What would your ideal relationship with "your" birth-mother be, pre-placement?  (Would you like to attend Dr. Appointments with her, have her to Sunday dinners, get together on a monthly basis for a movie, &etc?  How involved would you, ideally, like to be involved, &etc.)
We suppose an ideal relationship would be one in which everyone feels comfortable with the communication and contact, whatever the circumstance may be.  For us, pre-placement meant following the lead of the expectant parents.  We felt so blessed to have been able to attend doctor appointments, meet up for dinners, go bowling a few times, and the most amazing part- being there to coach and hold A's hand as she gave birth to our son!  However, we feel this was only possible through communication and having a relationship in which we allowed and supported A and M in being in control of the process.      

If you already have adopted children, in your experience, what part of the adoption process (pre-placement, placement, post-placement) have you found to be the most important to the building of the relationship between you and the birth-mother?
If we had to choose, pre-placement was probably the most meaningful in our relationship with our son's birth parents.  It was a time when all of us were probably at our most vulnerable.  As we had a six month waiting period, we were really able to establish trust with one another, which is so critical.  We feel that every stage of our relationship with Tommy's birth parents though, is so important.  As in any relationship, there are no rules and the dynamics can always shift and change.  Maintaining open and genuine communication is so important.  Like any other relationship, things are always growing and developing.     

If you have yet to adopt, how do you anticipate building a relationship with the birth-mother?  How important do you perceive the relationship between you and birth-mother to be throughout the entire process that is adoption (pre-placement, placement, post-placement)?
Like we said, we believe that communication is key!  During pre-placement, we really tried to keep the focus on the expectant parents.  We could never truly know what their experience was like, but we tried to give them as much support as we could, while also allowing them their space and a sense of control over the process.  We mainly tried to follow their lead through pre-placement and placement.

Moving forward, communication still remains critical, as A & M will always be a part of Tommy's and our lives.  When we learned about their pregnancy with Tommy's birth sister, we were so happy for them!  However, the question quickly came to our minds around whether they would still want to maintain the same level of contact with Tommy and us.  Would they want time and space to focus on the new baby?  Would they want the children to have an ongoing relationship?  When we spoke with them about this, we were excited and relieved to hear they wanted things to stay the same!  Things may change over time, but we feel the communication and our child-centered approach is so important moving forward.     

For any young woman considering placing her child for adoption, and who is reading this right now, what do you want to say to her?
We understand this can be a challenging time and we wish you comfort.  We encourage you to know all your options in regards to your pregnancy- whether to parent, make an adoption plan, get help from family/friends, etc.  It may be a lot to consider, but be true to yourself and have your voice be heard!  Like we said, communication is key, especially when things do not feel right or comfortable for you.  This is not the end... only the beginning!  Your child will always know how much you loved him/her.           

Do you have a blog that you would like to share with those reading this today?  If so, what is the address of your blog?
Yes we do! Our blog shares our experience with open adoption, along with our plans to grow our family again through adoption!  Thank you for letting us share and for taking the time to learn more about us! http://www.KristinaMikeAdopt.blogspot.com

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