Have you ever been completely aware of how deeply you've hurt someone? It's not a good feeling. I didn't realize how deep the hurt was and where it was coming from, but I now have information that I didn't have before and... no wonder the hurt for this person is so deep. And, mother, I'm not taking on blame that doesn't belong to me... I know when I've done wrong and I've done immense wrong, however I will say for my defense, if I had been given all the information up front and not just hand selected details then... well, I would have been more understanding. And, dear readers, rather than giving you only hand selected details... I'm talking about Mango here. You know what? I have never held on this long to a guy. I am... completely in love with him, even after all the fighting we've been doing. We talked a little bit a couple of days ago and I was given information that I never had before that changed a lot... none of this is going to make any sense at all unless I am completely honest in details and I'm not going to be because the information doesn't just involve me and I am going to respect Mango's privacy.

This is what we are left with. The cold... soul chilling facts. Mango and I will never be together again and that's based on what he wants, not what I want... and I have to live with that. I can't force him into a relationship with me and I never would take him on those terms... I only ever wanted him willingly. I still love him and I believe that he still loves me, we are both just... living with a lot of hurt and can't make it work between us. And it hurts a lot. He is under the impression that I will forget about in a days time... he's got a lot of anger in him right now, but I don't believe that it is pure anger, I know that it stems from hurt... we all emote hurt differently. Some of us pretend that nothing is wrong, other's destroy everything in their path, and some hide in bed under their covers vowing to never to step foot in the sunlight again. What Mango doesn't realize is that he is on my mind every second of the day, he is the last thought I think before I fall asleep and he is the one I dream about, and when I rise in the morning, I rise with the sorrow knowing that... all the dreams that Mango and I had about sharing our lives together will never come to fruition... and then I get sick to my stomach knowing that one day he will move on and find a woman that is... not me. And that thought kills me, so essentially, every day- every second of every day- I am mourning the loss of what could have been and still holding on to a sliver of hope... pathetic hope... that I will wake up soon from this awful dream. But, I don't wake up. This is my life.