A Healing Prayer

A Healing Prayer
-Author Unknown-

I am capable. I am worthwhile.
I am beautiful. I am lovable.
I shall accept both my strengths
and my weaknesses for they are me.

I shall never again believe the lie
that if I make a mistake,
I am a mistake.
My mistakes are the learning tools
that I shall encounter on my journey.

When I learn from my mistakes,
I give them meaning
When I give my mistakes meaning,
I can begin to forgive myself,
I can begin to heal.

I shall not use my mistakes as excuses
to give up on me.
My mistakes are not me.
I shall seek the wisdom to nurture
my heart, mind, body, and soul
so that I may feel more centered.

Providing an energy reserve that allows
me to climb the mountains in my own life,
Providing an energy reserve that allows
me to love and support others
who are climbing a different mountain,
providing an energy reserve that allows
time for friends, play
and the celebration of life.

I shall allow myself to feel capable
so that I may seek excellence.
I shall allow myself to feel sadness
so that joy may return.
I shall allow myself to feel joy
so that I may be revitalized.
I shall allow myself to feel afraid
so that I may find courage.
I shall allow myself to feel alone
so that I may know me.
I shall allow myself to feel beautiful
so that I may feel free.
I shall allow myself to feel lovable
so that the loving may seek me.
I shall allow myself to feel pain
so that I may heal.
I shall allow myself to feel worthy
so that I may fulfill my purpose.

I take responsibility
for creating my own life story
through the choices I have made;
to blame others is to give away
my personal power.

Who will I allow to write
the next chapter of my life?
I shall seek the courage to believe
in a loving God who will
laugh with me in the sunlight or
cry with me in the darkness.
I shall make a small difference on this planet
through the work I do.
When I leave I will have done my share.

I shall live, love, laugh,
and learn on my journey.

Dear God,

Dear God,

I don't understand you. I'd like to but you make it difficult for me to believe the plan you have for me. I know we haven't always been on the best terms and I know that I am stubborn but this couldn't be what you had in store for me. I believe in you and you believe in me too, but I wish that you wouldn't think me so capable to survive the things you put me through, so please, what is it that I'm not seeing? I won't survive another of your lessons, so please God, what is it I'm missing? You've blessed me with a glimpse of your heaven and it's everything I've always wanted but never thought could be mine and then like a thief in the night it's stolen from my sight and I'm left longing for the memory that is oxygen to this suffocation you call life. And I'm tired. Each night in my sleep I am shown the end of my grief and he is beautiful and I remember why all the pain is worth it and then the morning steals away my dreams and my soul decays with each added moment of the day and the heaven that was in my dream seems so far away. And I'm tired and afraid to sleep because when I wake I no longer feel safe in the morning's light. I want my family- those angels you show me in my dreams... if that's the end prize then I will put up my best fight in order to survive, but it'll come at a cost that is too scary to imagine so please, let me feel your heaven again because this world is wrong and hard to belong to. My dreams are in your hands and I'm trying hard to believe in your plan and I may not get each day right, but I'm trying my hardest to find your light in this world's endless night... help me get this right.

Sincerely,

A Birth Mother

Copyright Other Mother

Dear Sweetheart,

Dear Sweetheart,

Nine months ago you were born on Friday the thirteenth. I never used to be a fan of Friday the thirteenth because it never brought me any luck, until you came in to my life and now this day is a sacred day for me and one I will always honor with reverence. I love you so much. I have been thinking about you all day. I wish that I could bottle up the joy I feel in my heart when I think of you or see your beautiful smile in the pictures your parents send to me; if I could bottle that feeling... there would be no sorrow in the world Baby Boy. When I am sad, all I need to do is think of you and then my heart smiles and I send my thought up in a prayer and ask the good Lord to deliver it to you in the form of a kiss. That way you can feel my love even though you don't remember me. You are angelic. You are perfection. You are joy. You are love. You are my everything. You will always be the child of my heart. I love you Baby Boy.

Love,

your birth mother

Have you ever been completely aware of how deeply you've hurt someone? It's not a good feeling. I didn't realize how deep the hurt was and where it was coming from, but I now have information that I didn't have before and... no wonder the hurt for this person is so deep. And, mother, I'm not taking on blame that doesn't belong to me... I know when I've done wrong and I've done immense wrong, however I will say for my defense, if I had been given all the information up front and not just hand selected details then... well, I would have been more understanding. And, dear readers, rather than giving you only hand selected details... I'm talking about Mango here. You know what? I have never held on this long to a guy. I am... completely in love with him, even after all the fighting we've been doing. We talked a little bit a couple of days ago and I was given information that I never had before that changed a lot... none of this is going to make any sense at all unless I am completely honest in details and I'm not going to be because the information doesn't just involve me and I am going to respect Mango's privacy.

This is what we are left with. The cold... soul chilling facts. Mango and I will never be together again and that's based on what he wants, not what I want... and I have to live with that. I can't force him into a relationship with me and I never would take him on those terms... I only ever wanted him willingly. I still love him and I believe that he still loves me, we are both just... living with a lot of hurt and can't make it work between us. And it hurts a lot. He is under the impression that I will forget about in a days time... he's got a lot of anger in him right now, but I don't believe that it is pure anger, I know that it stems from hurt... we all emote hurt differently. Some of us pretend that nothing is wrong, other's destroy everything in their path, and some hide in bed under their covers vowing to never to step foot in the sunlight again. What Mango doesn't realize is that he is on my mind every second of the day, he is the last thought I think before I fall asleep and he is the one I dream about, and when I rise in the morning, I rise with the sorrow knowing that... all the dreams that Mango and I had about sharing our lives together will never come to fruition... and then I get sick to my stomach knowing that one day he will move on and find a woman that is... not me. And that thought kills me, so essentially, every day- every second of every day- I am mourning the loss of what could have been and still holding on to a sliver of hope... pathetic hope... that I will wake up soon from this awful dream. But, I don't wake up. This is my life.

Families Supporting Adoption Conference 2010

I have known about this year's FSA conference since January and have been so excited to attend. I went to speak with my boss the beginning of July about getting this past Friday off so that I could attend and she told me that she couldn't risk not having me in the office because another co-worker had already asked for the time off. Needless to say, I was extremely ticked off because the co-worker who was out this last week is never in, in the first place. I used to refer to her as Wednesday-Virus-Girl and now I just refer to her as Infested-Walking-Plague-Woman, seeming as she is never at the office due to all of her various illnesses... every single week. So, I bitterly continued to do my work throughout July while dealing with many other emotional explosions in every aspect of my personal life. This last week, on Tuesday, I went in to my boss and told her, "I completed everything that needs to be done for the week, yesterday, and all my cases are current, I will have the parent time calendars out by Thursday, and I have made sure that there will be phone coverage all day on Friday as well as someone here to assist you in mediatons. I wanted to inform you of this and confirm with you that I will not be in the office on Friday because this adoption conference is something that is very important for me to attend. I need and deserve to go to this conference." She looked at me a little surprised, asked a couple of questions regarding specific deadlines for the week, to which I put her fears to rest as everything that needed to go out went out the previous day and then she said, "Enjoy the conference on Thursday."

I completely enjoyed the conference. I met so many amazing people. I learned so much about every aspect of adoption. I sat in on a Birth-Father panel and listened to men speak about their experience and perspective as a birth father and it was extremely touching. A man on the panel said something that struck me deep inside. He said, "Even though a father doesn't go through the physical changes that a mother does during a pregnancy, inside the father is racing." That was so powerful for me to hear. As a birth mother it is easy to take on the attitude of hatred and disgust towards the one who helped to get her pregnant and I have seen it so many times in various birth mothers that I've come across where they hate the birth father... and every other man they come in contact with, for that matter. In a case such as mine, some would say that I have very right to hate Baby Daddy because of how our relationship ended and the fact that he wasn't there throughout the pregnancy... but, that was my choice. He never knew I was pregnant and maybe that was wrong of me to keep from him. Some birth mothers I've met view the pregnancy as the man's fault. I think that perhaps they forgot that very important lesson in life science that... it takes two to make a baby. I never hated Baby Daddy. I was extremely hurt by him and the hurt I feel has been somewhat damaging to a certain degree... but, I got the best part of him and I feel sorry for him that because of the lifestyle... the very dangerous lifestyle he leads (if he's even alive anymore) he will never know the feeling of holding a child that you created for the first time. I don't hate him. And, I was fully aware of the risk I took every time Baby Daddy and I had relations together. Listening to the birth fathers on the panel helped me to understand the delicacy that comes along with being a birth father. Being a birth father is just as delicate and emotional as being a birth mother.

I also went to a seminar on Infertility that really opened up my eyes. Infertility is not something I will fully be able to comprehend, but it helped me to fully appreciate the couple who adopted Baby Boy. My greatest fear while getting to know families was that whoever I chose would never love my son as much as I did because he wasn't them... if that makes any sence at all. Sitting in this seminar on Infertility, I have a whole new perspective about adoption couples. They love the adoptive child like their own because they have wanted this child for so long and have dreamed about growing their family for so long! I can't imagine the sorrow that comes along with each negative pregnancy test... all their friends who are having children, the snide remarks from people who should keep their nose out of it, "Stop stressing so much and you'll get pregnant," "Just relax and it will happen on it's own," "You should do a clense. I bet that's the problem," "You really want children that bad? Take mine! I'm envious of the time you have on your hands." The insensitivity is enough to drive a person insane, I'm sure! I have so much more love and respect for these couples because their desire to want children and all the pain and hardship and let-downs that they go through... the sorrow that they experience... for girls like me who find themselves in a place they never expected to be, these couples are our angels. These couples are capable of more love than I will ever understand.

I was also able to attend a seminar on Adoption Advocacy. Talk about lighting a fire within your soul! I learned so many amazing ways to advocate for open adoption and I can't wait to start implementing them. Utah is such a perfect place to advocate for adoption, but I am so excited for when I move out to New York to start advocating out there. And, as a birth mother, I have so much to give. I am not afraid to share my story... even though it is riddled with so much sorrow and pain, it is the happiest story of my life. How could I not share my angel and his beginning with others? He saved me. He is my new beginning. He is my... everything. Girls who find themselves in the position I was in 18 months ago deserve to know that they have other options. They deserve to know that they can live and let live and bring so much joy to the world at the same time. As a birth mother, that is my mission and I am so excited to begin.

This conference rejuvinated me. It was like a splash of cold water in the morning after the long and horrifying sleep that July was. I found my spark again and my soul is burning bright with solid light. Open adoption is a gift! It's the chance at a new start for girls who have lost their way in the world and found that they aren't anywhere near where they had dreamed to be as a little girl. It's the gift of life for the child created. More importantly... it's the gift of family to a couple that wants nothing more than to have a child. Open adoption is a blessed gift! And, I am ready to share this message with people who don't know about it. I feel alive again. Good things are coming. I can feel it.