Dear Sweetheart,

Dear Sweetheart,

As of 9 minutes ago your adoption was finalized. It's done. You are officially and legally no longer my son, but you will always be the child of my heart. I am so happy for you. You are a part of such an amazing family and they've waited for you for so long. I know I've said this so many times before, but you were always meant to be their's. I am blessed to have had you for the time that I did. Baby Boy, you are more loved than you will ever fully understand and by more people than you will ever know. Congratulations sweetheart, today is a beautiful day. I will always love you child of my heart.

Love,

your birth mother

My Mango

This post is going to be written in free-style as I'm finding it difficult to organize and grasp all that I want to say on this topic because there is so much I want to say about my Mango. I know you are confused and eventually what Mango is will make sense, but for right now, I'm just going to talk.

As you all know, Mango is a fruit, it's also a color, and it's a flavor. To some people, Mango epitomizes a season, it's an experience, and to other's Mango is something unknown. To me, Mango is exciting and feels me with joy, Mango is liberation and consistancy. Mango is comfort and makes me laugh. I am inspired to be my best for Mango... Mango inspires me. To me, Mango makes me feel powerful and capable of letting go of all that I'm scared of and holding on to. Mango is healing. And while Mango was completely unexpedcted, Mango is here and welcome to be here. Mango is light in the darkness. Mango is familiar and completely new. Mango is playful and also completely mature. To me, Mango is something sought after for so long and now found. I love Mango.

Mango is a man. That's not his name, of course, that's silly. Who would name their child Mango? Then again, there are some people out there naming their kids Apple, and Moonbeam... who am I to judge? I call him Mango because of something completely sentimental and that would have, in my past life, made me gag to hear, so I'll spare you the details, but he's my Mango and I'm his Kiwi. Mango is a guy I've known for a couple of years now. Our friendship has always been completely casual and nothing more than a friendship. Things never moved in the direction of dating because- well the timing sucked- everytime I was single, Mango was dating someone and everytime Mango was single, I was dating someone. We lost track of each other and recently came across each other again and things are completely different. I found that I was completely open and honest with him about everything that's occurred in my life since we lost track of each other and he was completely open and understanding and kind and respectful and sincerely sympathetic... and I was grateful for that because I've always liked Mango. In the two years I've known him, I've wanted to date him and trust me I have tried my darndest to get this guy's attention... turns out that what works best for him is complete honesty. Apparently, he always felt the same about me and we finally communicated that to one another. We are dating now and I couldn't be happier- he is like the sun bringing warmth and light back into my life. It feels good. It feels really good.

Mango is very talented. He is very musically inclined, he sings, plays the piano, plays the guitar, plays the cello... this guy is... wow, amazing. He knows how to do hair, which means maybe there is hope for mine after all, haha. He is absolutely hysterical and I love that he can always make me laugh. He's got this energy that is... beautiful and alive. He loves life. He is kind and open with his feelings which is so wonderful for someone like me. He's been through a lot in the last 5 years, but his ability to look towards the future with hope is, possibly, my favorite thing about him- though I have a lot of "favorites" about him. He is old school respectful. He asked my mom for her blessing to court me... he used the word "court"... that's adorable and I love it. He reads poetry, his favorite poet is Edgar Allen Poe. He reads... period. His favorite book is Jane Eyre. He's familiar with Russian poetry, something I'm barely starting to look into... and there is a rumor (spread by his best friend... we'll call her Beauty), anyway, there is a rumor spread by Beauty to me that he even speaks a little Russian... and that he is fluent in Spanish. He selflessly helps those he loves. If he sees someone in need and he is able to help them, he helps them. He is loyal and true. He is passionate about anything he undertakes and he makes me feel beautiful and I love that. I am one lucky girl. Mango surprises me and takes my breath away (in a good way) every single day.

Dear Sweetheart,

Dear Sweetheart,

You are six months old now. So much has changed in these short six months that I don't even know where to begin. Your adoption will be finalized this week and you will also be sealed to your family for eternity, so this week is going to be a big one for you. My family will be coming to your blessing and we are all so excited to see you. I really enjoy the pictures that your mom and dad take of you and send to me. I just received an update in the mail from your mom and it was so much fun to read. You have lots of fun with your sister and brother and it warms my heart to hear the stories that your mom shares with me. It was very important to me that you grow up in a family with siblings. I know that there will be times when you don't always agree or even get along with your sister or brother, but just know that all of that is a regular part of life. What's even more important to remember is that your family will always be there for you. They love you. They cherish you. Regardless of what kind of disagreements are shared, your family will always love you and they are your number one go-to when you need support and love. You are such a handsome little baby boy and your eyes light up when you smile and your smile is my soul's greatest joy. I love you so much and always will my dear, sweet baby boy.

Love,

your birth mother

Regarding Mother's Day

MyHotComments

The Lights

"Face Up"
by Lights

It's late and I am tired, wish I could spark a smile.
The place is flying high but right now I want to be low
Don't want to move an inch, let alone a million miles,
And I don't want to go but I know I gotta go-
I just wanna feel alright.

The times you don't want to wake up
'Cause in your sleep it's never over when you give up.
The sun is always going to rise up
You need to get up, gotta keep your head up.
Look at the people all around you,
The way you feel is something everybody goes through.
Dark out, but you still gotta light up,
You need to wake up, gotta keep your face up.

Seems like the more you grow, the more time you spend alone-
Before you know it you end up perfectly on your own.
The city's shining tonight, but you don't see the light
How come you concentrate on things that don't make you feel right.
I just want to feel alright.

The times you don't want to wake up
'Cause in your sleep it's never over when you give up.
The sun is always going to rise up,
You need to get up, gotta keep your head up.
Look at the people all around you,
The way you feel is something everybody goes through.
Dark out, but you still gotta light up,
You need to wake up, gotta keep your face up.

I'm looking for more than a little bit-
I'm gonna have to find my way through it.
Gonna leave a mark, I'm gonna set a spark-
I'm coming up off the ground.
I won't be looking down.

The times you don't want to wake up
'Cause in your sleep it's never over when you give up.
The sun is always going to rise up,
You need to get up, gotta keep your head up.
Look at the people all around you,
The way you feel is something everybody goes through.
Dark out, but you still gotta light up,
You need to wake up, gotta keep your face up.

Fireflies Are Fairies in Disguise

When I was a young child I lived in Missouri for a time... no, not misery, Missouri- if only I had a dime for everytime I heard that joke, maybe I would have graduated University by now. I loved it there, Missouri that is. I was fascinated by the woods that surrounded one particular home. I remember my sister and I would spend hours outside exploring those woods, it's a wonder we never got lost. I have spent majority of my life living snug between two mountains, but I have never seen trees as dense as they were when I lived in Missouri and the glory of it was that the woods in Missouri were my backyard. Granted my family was not used to the poison oak and poison ivy that plagued the area we lived in at the time, but understand that we were quick to learn what ground covering to avoid and we spent many sleepless nights pink with calamine lotion. That's not the point of this blog, though. The point of this blog is that fireflies are fairies in disguise. I learned this fact at the tender age of seven.

I remember the first time I saw a firefly flying. I was standing out on the back porch of our home staring hard into the woods that were turning black as the sun quickly sunk below the horizon. I remember feeling scared because my mind was being taken over by my imagination and my imagination was playing through all the horrible scenarios of what could happen to me if I wandered alone into those woods... the scenes involved the Elf King tricking me into an eternity away from the safety of my family and among his kind, or gremlins sneaking around in the undergrowth that would trip you and then pounce on you before you knew which way was up again because the dark was so thick. I imagined witches that looked like trees that would wait for little girl's who left the safety of their home at twilight and would end up lost in the night surrounded by trees that were really witches waiting for those naughty little girls to go to sleep before they took them away and boiled them for soup. I know what you're thinking, and perhaps you're right... I might have been a disturbed little girl, but mostly I had an overactive imagination. But, I digress. It was during my imagining of witches as trees that I became so scared standing alone on that porch staring into the black of the woods that I felt hopeless. I thought to myself, "Isn't there anything safe in those trees?" My mind played back the recent events of it's memory- kidnapped by elf king, gremlins tripping and eating me, witches pretending to be trees waiting to boil me... I couldn't think of anything safe and that's when I saw it, a light... the most delicate of light floating against the backdrop of night. If you weren't looking with intent, you would miss it. It was like a slowly falling shooting star only it was floating, and like a shooting star it exacted the same outcome as I immediately found myself feeling hopeful just watching it knowing that if I made a wish as sacred as a prayer that my wish would come true, even if I were to become lost in the black of the forest. But, I didn't wish anything. I wasn't greedy and I wasn't in danger and at the time I couldn't think of anything that I needed. And, then there were more. They were filling my backyard, these floating shooting stars.

I became ecstatic and I called to my parent's. They came out and one by one my siblings came out behind them and there we were, all of us standing on our porch surrounded by floating light. My parent's explained to me that these were fireflies... the thought was silly to me, "flies that glow" thought I... such silly lies. I knew they were fairies. My parent's let me catch some in the jar to keep as a night light in my room that night and for many nights to follow. They explained to me as they laid me down to sleep that if I get scared in the dark, all I would have to do was watch the fireflies and I wouldn't be scared anymore. I nodded my understanding, but I never slept. I stayed up watching the light in the Mason jar on my dresser and I knew they were fairies. I was mesmerized by them and watching them filled my imagination with memories of when I was a fairy. I wondered how I became a human and why? I was thankful for the fairies because I knew they were the safety in the dark of the woods. I always knew that fairies had a bad reputation for being tricksters and causing more mayhem than order, but I never judged them for it and I thnk they appreciated me for that. I would lay awake for hours thinking up adventures in my head and then I would notice that my fairy family was floating more weakly and their light didn't seem as bright and this was usually always around the time of night that light breaks through, the early hours when the sun begins to make it's presence known again and I knew that something was wrong with my fairy family and so I would sneak out of bed and get the jar and release them outside my window. I'm pretty sure I heard their exclamations of joy as they soared away from me and I knew that I would see them again that night because although fairies may trick and cause disorder, they were the magic you could rely on, they would always come the following night and that comforted me. I never did find out where they went during the day. I suppose they became a part of the rest of the light, like they were pieces of the sun that brought light to the night to make sure that naughty little girl's who wandered alone in the dark found their way home again. I know that the witches hated them because it had been a long time since the witch-trees had had soup made from little girls and I can only imagine how hungry they must have been, but that didn't make me any less thankful for the fairies.