I Am "Here"

I have been thinking of so many different things at once... and they've just been circulating in my mind over and over again.  I came across this song right before Christmas this pat year which will forever be remembered in my mind as a huge moment of transition in my life.  It seems that for me, those moments always occur in the cold seasons.  So, this song is one of the re-circulating things I've thought of.

The second thing is the frustrated feeling that you've wasted so much of your time on something worthless.  That's a haunting feeling, for sure.  It's when you start remembering all the things you wanted for your adult self when you were an innocent child dreaming about your future.  I've been revisiting those dreams so much lately.

The third thing that I've been continuously thinking about is, now that I'm an adult, where do I want my future to go?  Now that I'm an adult, I know better what I'm capable of.  A sub-category for this thought is all the fears that come along in life when you've lived a lot of life and want something pretty amazing and different from the sorrow you've experienced... and just being so scared to try because all the other times you've tried have ended up hurting pretty bad.  There is some distrust that goes along with this sub-category.

And then tonight, I was doing some grammar homework and dissecting sentences and then got ready for bed and was just laying in bed.  My sleeping schedule has been completely turned around because I've been struggling through the flu.  Today is the first day I've had my voice back since last Saturday.  It's been an interesting day.

I got a phone call today from Baby Boy's mother and we just chatted and she told me some cute things about Baby Boy and how funny he is and the things that he says.  And I loved it all.  And then she asked if I wanted to talk to him and I did.  He told me that he likes cars. He is in preschool, not school, but preschool and he was sure to correct me on that.  And then he told me that he loves me and then said good bye.  It was a wonderful phone call.

I've been in a funk.  Truth be told, I do not feel emotionally ready for this new semester.  I'm kind of freaking out.  I'm on the cusp of moving on to the next place.  I think about my job and I don't want to go back.  I'm in this place in life right now where I'm ready for something different.

And it's a combination of all of these different thoughts mentioned above that has been re-circulating constantly in my mind this past week.  How do you ask yourself the hard questions to figure out where to go next?  I've been on the verge of understanding but something is blocking me from recognizing the full knowledge.  I hear stories of people just up and quitting their jobs because they can't take one more day of "whatever" and so they quit their job and that action alone opens up doors that wouldn't have opened otherwise... and at one point I remember thinking that is such a stupid thing to do.  But now... I wonder if I should do it.

I just want to leave a mark on this planet.  Maybe that's the idealist in me speaking.  I'm an idealist.  I believe the best in people and I believe that even though I've been burned by doing this, that there are people out there that I am supposed to know and they are supposed to teach me invaluable lessons and together we will make the world a better place.  If I were to die today, I would die knowing that there is so much more I wish I would have done.  Furthermore, I would die knowing that the legacy I would leave behind for Baby Boy to learn about one day, is not the legacy that I imagined for myself when I had my second chance at life after I placed him for adoption.  He has had life-changing impact on me and I don't want to squander it because I want him to be proud of me.  And if I died today, I would die knowing that I squandered his lesson.  And that kills me.  Everything that I want to do is centered around "when" something else will happen "then I can/will"... but some of the most impactful moments in history were not built upon "when" but acting in the moment.

I don't even know if there is a point to this post.  Maybe this is all the cold medicine talking, but I know that there is something better that can be had and that all it takes is reaching for it and taking a chance.  It's not built upon something happening in the future or when I obtain my degree... it's built on taking a risk.

My life-experiences are meant for something greater than what I can imagine.  I want to impact people on a universal level, and maybe in admitting that I'm coming across as self-important.  That's not how I'm meaning it.  I know what my life mission is.  How many people can honestly say that about themselves?  My life mission is to help women understand their self-worth.  My life mission is to promote love and teach what love is because I've experienced all that love is not.  My life mission is to give a voice to populations that have previously been unheard.  So, how do I accomplish that?  I have no idea and that's frustrating to me.

I don't want another 5 years to go by where I am just doing the same thing over and over again.  I don't want to become complacent and I think that's what I feel is happening right now.  Life doesn't just happen to us.  I can't have gone through everything I've experienced just because that was the life that was "dealt" to me by some power bigger than me who deals out life-experiences.  I want to use my knowledge and my experience to help someone else.  I don't even know if I'm going to post this.  This is not coming out the way that I want it to.  I think it's coming off as complaining.  That's not the spirit in which it is intended.

I've seen complacency very recently in the experience I just got out of and it is ugly.  Complacency turns into entitlement which turns into greed at the expense of others and I want nothing to do with it.  So, I guess in a long about way what I need to figure out is how am I going to start doing what I feel driven to do?  What is it that you are driven to do?  I really hope I hear some feedback on this.  I'm not just posting this to the cosmos as one of those existential questions that can't be answered.  I would really like to know what those of you out there reading this feel is your mission in life.  And what have you done to work towards achieving it?  I look forward to your responses.  Please, don't be shy.