How Do I Say What I Want To Say?

It has been so long since I last posted.  The reason being that I just came out of something that I don't even know how to begin to describe.  Isn't that always the case with me?  I swear it is.  But I will try to say what I mean to say.

Probably the best place to start with this will be to update you on some major changes:
-I am back in communication with my family and I've never felt more relief in my life.  My family is amazing and I'm blessed to know them.  When I needed love most in my life, my family surrounded me with love and acceptance, regardless of the pain I put them through for 9 months of a shut-out.  I've truly learned the worth of true love and acceptance by their example.
-I moved right before Christmas.  I was living in a crap-shack hole in the wall and it was not liveable.  Absolutely necessary repairs were needed and they were repairs I was hounding the landlord over for the entire 6 months that I lived there and so I moved because I was sick of dealing with it.  My family helped me and I am grateful to them.
-I started school again last week (ugh!).  I passed my classes last semester (my math class BARELY) and I am so relieved.  Last semester was plagued with hardship and stress, but I held it together enough to pass.  I ended up with an "A" for my Intermediate Creative Non-fiction writing class, a "B-" for my Intermediate Poetry writing class, and a "C" for my Intermediate Algebra class which was the lowest grade you could get in order to move forward.  As a side note, UVU's Intermediate Algebra is notorious for failing students multiple semesters in a row.  The average student has to take this class 3 times in order to pass.  I passed it in one go, so I'm happy with that.
-I lost 476 pounds.  It's true.  My old roommate is 476 pounds of hate and anger and sorrow and despair and she leeches on to people and bleeds them dry of their soul.  I cut the leech off and I've never felt lighter in my entire life.  She is death and I'm glad to be done with her.  In my own sick way, I hope that she is reading this because I want her to know that I know everything and she'll know exactly what that means.  That's all the time I'm going to spend on her because she's worthless and also a narcissist and I want to piss her off and by giving no more attention to her, that will do it.  She's nobody and I'm glad to not have to put up with her anymore.  Losing 476 pounds definitely changes your life.
(It's not in my regular behavior to speak so cruelly of people and so if I've offended you, I apologize.  I've also learned that to ignore and swallow down feelings, especially when you've been the brunt of an abusive relationship is more damaging than just being honest.  And this friendship was very abusive.  And honestly, one day I may regret venting what I said about my old roommate on here, but right now I don't.  This has been a huge part of my life getting out of that friendship and I'm not going to hide it from you all).

Having said that, I've decided I'm not going to go into any of the details of what I feel I need to say.  I just want you all to know that I just came out of something life-altering and I'm better for it.  Maybe one day I will talk more on it, but for right now, I don't need to focus on the intricate details because what I just went through was so irrational, that to attempt to understand it will be impossible because we are all rational beings "here".  I've come out of the fire and I've been refined.  My experience has taught me that my compassion is angelic, but there comes a point where you've got to be compassionate to yourself and move on.  It's also taught me that my family will always love me and be in my corner.  Whatever issues I had with the details of the dynamic of my family, I've worked through them and in working through them I was able to more clearly see the dysfunction of my current life and that dysfunction had nothing to do with my family.  They are the light.

Sometimes I feel angry when I think of the betrayal I just experienced.  The man that I have spent nearly 3 years loving was not who I thought he was.  And there is way more to that statement than just the simple read of it, but I'm not going to go into it because it's not important.  It hurt.  It still hurts.  I feel anger and then relief that it's over and then anger because of all that I gave up to be with him.  I lost so much of myself in that relationship.  I feel anger because of what I've lost and then I feel relief because I can reclaim myself and it's over... the relationship is over and I'm relieved that I'm relieved.

I've spent a lot of time wondering why I'm vulnerable to these kinds of relationships.  I don't know what the answer is.  But this year I'm going to learn what the answer is. I could spend time mourning over this most recent loss, but I'm done mourning.  I'm ready to rebuild.  How do I keep getting "here"?  And is "here" the same place it was when I was "there" after the learned betrayal of Baby Daddy and then placement of a child who has brought so much life and light to my life?  I don't think it's the same place because the end lesson is different and new from that great lesson.

This is what I know.  I'm not angry for the experience... when it's all said and done, I'm not angry.  Confused, yes, but not angry.  Every experience I've had has taught me about my mission in life.  Every experience I've experienced has taught me a relateable compassion for a future someone... a future person that I'm meant to know and impact, and in turn they will impact me.  How can I be angry when I know that my combined experiences can help me to help others?  I am blessed.  Here's to 2013.  I'm looking forward to it.

My next post will be the theme for this year.  I've spent a lot of time thinking about it and what I want it to mean to me.  Until next time :)