Radiate

On Friday, I took my first yoga class.  I've wanted to take a yoga class for a couple years now but I was scared because it's something new and I didn't have someone who would be brave to go with me, and being brave alone is sometimes scary.  Who am I kidding?  Being brave is always scary.  I don't know of too many people who think to themselves, "Gee self, you know what?  Today I am going to do something that scares the wits out of me and I'm going to like it.  I can't wait to traumatize myself."  Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way.  Regardless, for 2 years now I've wanted to take a yoga class and last week I started.

I walked into the class and I was scared.  The instructor came in and I introduced myself (voice cracked).  She was very nice and her entire demeanor was calming, something I've always wanted to command in myself.  I grabbed my mat and I set up and class started.  The music was beautiful; piano/Celtic with a backdrop of thunderstorms and rain.

Mid-way through the class my legs were shaking and we were getting into more difficult poses.  I started to stress out because I struggle with feeling weak and letting others see me struggling.  The whole class, the instructor was encouraging the whole class.  By the end of the class, I was feeling refreshed and extremely shaky.  I was also tired from the week.  Then this song came on that I recognized from my childhood, it was on my Celtic Moods c.d. that I would listen to when my anxiety presented itself.  This song has always been a calming one for me.

We moved into a pose (I don't remember the name) where our chest was raised up towards the ceiling and the stretch was allowing for an opening of the chest and it felt wonderful.  The instructor started talking about opening our heart up to possibility.  She talked about being willing to receive from the world what you put into it.  She talked about how the universe is here to carry us and care for us and we receive what we put into it and if all we've put in is good then there is no need for us to fear what we will receive in return.  At this point, I'm maintaining the stretch and hold of the position, and I'm looking skyward, and silent tears are streaming down my face.  She goes on to say, "You are worthy to receive the good you put into the world.  The only one holding you back from fully opening your heart to receive the good back, is yourself.  Open your heart and receive."  The stream of tears cascaded down my neck and my breathing was thrown off from my attempts to not audibly cry.  I'm sniffling and maintaining my pose and the entire moment was so therapeutic for me.

There is no need for me to focus on the detail of why this moment was so groundbreaking for me.  For those of you who have read my posts faithfully, we've been through a lot together.  Based on the comments I've received on this blog and privately, I know that some of what I've talked about has resonated deeply with you, and so I say that we have been through a lot together.  It's scary to open yourself up.  It's scary to believe that there is still good out there when you've been burned so many times.  It's scared to hope when your individual hope has gone to battle too many times to count.  That's where I've been lately.  Completely devoid of the desire to open up and try again.  And this yoga class has really made me think.

Every person out there, at one time or another in their life, has had the desire to be something beyond what they think they are capable of.  We all, for the most part, want to impact the world in a greater way than we've been impacted by it.  That goes for the good and the bad.  Experience, if not analyzed, can lead to pretty destructive behavior.  But, if you are able to look at your experience and know that, in reality, that difficulty was exactly what you needed, and you move forward with that understanding, then you are giving back good into the universe.  The only one holding me back right now, is me.  I can have the love that I've given.  I can have the joy and happiness that I've inspired in others.  I can.  And I will.  I will because I haven't given up.  I thought I had, but that's the thing about Hope, she never gives up.  Hope is my heart and my heart is strong and unwavering.

The instructor ended the class with a quote that is so resonant to what 2013 and the theme of pink is for me and all that this year will inspire in my life.  It's by William George Jordan, from his book The Majesty of Calmness.  It goes:

"The only responsibility that a man cannot evade in this life is the one he thinks of least, his personal influence.  Man's conscious influence, when he is on dress parade, when he is poising to impress those around him, is woefully small.  But his unconscious influence, the silent, subtle radiation of his personality, the effect of his words and acts, the trifles he never considers, is tremendous.  Every moment of life he is changing, to a degree, the life of the whole world.  Every man has an atmosphere which is affecting every other.  So silent and unconsciously is this influence working, that man may forget that it exists.  Into the hands of every individual is given the marvelous power for good or for evil, the silent, unconscious, unseen influence of his life.  This is simply the constant radiation of who a man really is, not what he pretends to be.  Every man, by his mere living is radiating sympathy, or sorrow, or morbidness, or cynicism, or happiness, or hope, or any of a hundred other qualities.  Life is a state of constant radiation and absorption; to exist is radiate.  To exist is to be the recipient of radiations" (emphasis added).

You give what you get.  Karma returns 10 fold.  You receive what you radiate.  However you want to say it, your unconscious effort is the most influential and impactful.  This is important to remember.  This quote is hanging on my cork board at work where I can see it every day.