I Am "Here"

I have been thinking of so many different things at once... and they've just been circulating in my mind over and over again.  I came across this song right before Christmas this pat year which will forever be remembered in my mind as a huge moment of transition in my life.  It seems that for me, those moments always occur in the cold seasons.  So, this song is one of the re-circulating things I've thought of.

The second thing is the frustrated feeling that you've wasted so much of your time on something worthless.  That's a haunting feeling, for sure.  It's when you start remembering all the things you wanted for your adult self when you were an innocent child dreaming about your future.  I've been revisiting those dreams so much lately.

The third thing that I've been continuously thinking about is, now that I'm an adult, where do I want my future to go?  Now that I'm an adult, I know better what I'm capable of.  A sub-category for this thought is all the fears that come along in life when you've lived a lot of life and want something pretty amazing and different from the sorrow you've experienced... and just being so scared to try because all the other times you've tried have ended up hurting pretty bad.  There is some distrust that goes along with this sub-category.

And then tonight, I was doing some grammar homework and dissecting sentences and then got ready for bed and was just laying in bed.  My sleeping schedule has been completely turned around because I've been struggling through the flu.  Today is the first day I've had my voice back since last Saturday.  It's been an interesting day.

I got a phone call today from Baby Boy's mother and we just chatted and she told me some cute things about Baby Boy and how funny he is and the things that he says.  And I loved it all.  And then she asked if I wanted to talk to him and I did.  He told me that he likes cars. He is in preschool, not school, but preschool and he was sure to correct me on that.  And then he told me that he loves me and then said good bye.  It was a wonderful phone call.

I've been in a funk.  Truth be told, I do not feel emotionally ready for this new semester.  I'm kind of freaking out.  I'm on the cusp of moving on to the next place.  I think about my job and I don't want to go back.  I'm in this place in life right now where I'm ready for something different.

And it's a combination of all of these different thoughts mentioned above that has been re-circulating constantly in my mind this past week.  How do you ask yourself the hard questions to figure out where to go next?  I've been on the verge of understanding but something is blocking me from recognizing the full knowledge.  I hear stories of people just up and quitting their jobs because they can't take one more day of "whatever" and so they quit their job and that action alone opens up doors that wouldn't have opened otherwise... and at one point I remember thinking that is such a stupid thing to do.  But now... I wonder if I should do it.

I just want to leave a mark on this planet.  Maybe that's the idealist in me speaking.  I'm an idealist.  I believe the best in people and I believe that even though I've been burned by doing this, that there are people out there that I am supposed to know and they are supposed to teach me invaluable lessons and together we will make the world a better place.  If I were to die today, I would die knowing that there is so much more I wish I would have done.  Furthermore, I would die knowing that the legacy I would leave behind for Baby Boy to learn about one day, is not the legacy that I imagined for myself when I had my second chance at life after I placed him for adoption.  He has had life-changing impact on me and I don't want to squander it because I want him to be proud of me.  And if I died today, I would die knowing that I squandered his lesson.  And that kills me.  Everything that I want to do is centered around "when" something else will happen "then I can/will"... but some of the most impactful moments in history were not built upon "when" but acting in the moment.

I don't even know if there is a point to this post.  Maybe this is all the cold medicine talking, but I know that there is something better that can be had and that all it takes is reaching for it and taking a chance.  It's not built upon something happening in the future or when I obtain my degree... it's built on taking a risk.

My life-experiences are meant for something greater than what I can imagine.  I want to impact people on a universal level, and maybe in admitting that I'm coming across as self-important.  That's not how I'm meaning it.  I know what my life mission is.  How many people can honestly say that about themselves?  My life mission is to help women understand their self-worth.  My life mission is to promote love and teach what love is because I've experienced all that love is not.  My life mission is to give a voice to populations that have previously been unheard.  So, how do I accomplish that?  I have no idea and that's frustrating to me.

I don't want another 5 years to go by where I am just doing the same thing over and over again.  I don't want to become complacent and I think that's what I feel is happening right now.  Life doesn't just happen to us.  I can't have gone through everything I've experienced just because that was the life that was "dealt" to me by some power bigger than me who deals out life-experiences.  I want to use my knowledge and my experience to help someone else.  I don't even know if I'm going to post this.  This is not coming out the way that I want it to.  I think it's coming off as complaining.  That's not the spirit in which it is intended.

I've seen complacency very recently in the experience I just got out of and it is ugly.  Complacency turns into entitlement which turns into greed at the expense of others and I want nothing to do with it.  So, I guess in a long about way what I need to figure out is how am I going to start doing what I feel driven to do?  What is it that you are driven to do?  I really hope I hear some feedback on this.  I'm not just posting this to the cosmos as one of those existential questions that can't be answered.  I would really like to know what those of you out there reading this feel is your mission in life.  And what have you done to work towards achieving it?  I look forward to your responses.  Please, don't be shy.

2013 - The Year of Fullness

The color for 2013 is pink.  I've thought long and hard about how I want to talk about pink and what pink means to me.  When I think of pink I think of softness and I also think of vibrant power.  Pink is an interesting color for me.  I never liked it in my early adult years.  I remember when I was a child I was obsessed with Hot Pink.  I wanted to be a rock-star with the name Hot Pink, but then when I got into my pre-teens and teenage years, I was embarrassed by the color pink in all it's shades, and instead became obsessed with the color black (so original, I know, you never see an angry teen wearing black and condemning the world for it's injustice... I was a total trailblazer).

It wasn't until I became pregnant that I started really loving the softness of pink, maybe it was hormones, maybe it was something else, I have no clue.  Though in my heart I know it had a lot to do with honesty, which is something else Pink is.... honest.  It is the blush of a cheek that can't be hidden.  Leading up to my pregnancy.  And since then, I've slipped back into the habit of hiding.  When I told my family I was pregnant, my biggest secret was out in the open and it was a relief.  Pink is honesty and relief.

When I think of pink now, I think of it in terms of what it is made up of.  And that's where things get real fascinating  As any child learns in school when mixing paint color, in order to get pink you have to mix red and white.  How much red you use determines the depth of color.  Red and white are very differing colors.  Red is the color of emotion: passion, anger, humiliation, power/authority, shame, etc.  Red suggests a strong personality and presence; it asserts itself.  White, on the other hand, is the color of peace, purity, cleanliness, humility, transition, innocence, morality, etc.  White suggests everything that Red does not.  What an interesting contradiction, and this contradiction has found it's home in Pink.

Pink is the balance between Red's authority and White's submission.  Pink is easily associated with anything female-related.  Pink is caring and nurturing, it houses passion but with reservation.  Pink knows the boundaries.  Pink can swell up with emotion, but can also quiet down with soft confidence.  Pink also symbolizes trust.  Pink stones, when used in stone therapy, are used for calming feelings and neutralizing disorder.  The quality of energy in pink stones is very much determined by how much Red is present, in comparison to White.  It is in this regard that Red and White work together; White promoting fullness, and Red being the catalyst to achieve fullness.

I think back on my experiences and I've never been one to allow myself to be vulnerable in a healthy way.  What I'm learning about femininity is that it is vulnerable, but in a strengthening way.  I want so badly to be in a relationship that is healthy and safe and special and perfect for me and whoever "he" ends up being.  My vulnerability lays within that desire.  I'm ready to find my husband and to build my family with him... "our" family.  In looking back at my past relationships and the pain they've caused me and in asking myself some very hard questions lately as to how I came to be in those relationships... what I've learned is that the way I make myself vulnerable to these "men", is by having no feminine authority in myself.  I let them take control and I match what they show me.  I hope that makes sense.  That hasn't worked for so I'm not going to do that anymore.

Pink has nothing to do with trusting men or belittling them.  Pink has everything to do with a woman trusting herself and being confident in herself.  If a woman can trust herself and her feminine instinct then she can achieve fullness in every aspect of her life.  It's okay to have authority.  Vulnerability has nothing to do with hoping you are good enough for someone else.  Vulnerability.... healthy vulnerability is being honest with those you are considering a relationship with.  Letting them know what you've experienced and letting them know what you don't want and if that's what you are shown then you'll walk away.  And then letting them prove themselves to you... not bending over backwards proving yourself to them, because you've already been honest in your expectations.  Vulnerability is about not hiding what you've learned, but still trusting that you can find what you want, all while remaining true to your truth, and not submitting to anything less.  To do this, you need to be an authority of yourself, you need to be more red than white... but you need to let white be your balance.

And this is what 2013 is about for me.  Finding fullness in all my relationships.  Letting people prove themselves to me and standing up for whether or not what they are proving is working for my life dynamic or not.  It has nothing to do with being judgmental.  It has everything to do with being an authority of my own life and actively deciding who will be a part of it.  I've been through Hell and back more times than I wish to consider... but that's because I didn't trust my own instinct and I had one-million-and-one reasons to justify away my gut feelings.  I have actively gotten myself to where I am and that's the Red in me talking.  The White in me is telling me to be compassionate towards myself and let the lesson be just that, an invaluable lesson.  The Pink is whispering to my heart to trust myself because I know what I'm doing, I just need to believe it.  I can have fullness in life and this year is going to be the year to understand that.

In summary, Pink and 2013 are for finding and nurturing:
-my life energy and purpose
-the encouragement of my individual confidence
-the eradication of dysfunction and disorder from my life
-balanced happiness
-self-trust
-individual instinct
-proper expression of emotion
-feminine acceptance
-protected vulnerability
-balanced authority

I'm ready.

How Do I Say What I Want To Say?

It has been so long since I last posted.  The reason being that I just came out of something that I don't even know how to begin to describe.  Isn't that always the case with me?  I swear it is.  But I will try to say what I mean to say.

Probably the best place to start with this will be to update you on some major changes:
-I am back in communication with my family and I've never felt more relief in my life.  My family is amazing and I'm blessed to know them.  When I needed love most in my life, my family surrounded me with love and acceptance, regardless of the pain I put them through for 9 months of a shut-out.  I've truly learned the worth of true love and acceptance by their example.
-I moved right before Christmas.  I was living in a crap-shack hole in the wall and it was not liveable.  Absolutely necessary repairs were needed and they were repairs I was hounding the landlord over for the entire 6 months that I lived there and so I moved because I was sick of dealing with it.  My family helped me and I am grateful to them.
-I started school again last week (ugh!).  I passed my classes last semester (my math class BARELY) and I am so relieved.  Last semester was plagued with hardship and stress, but I held it together enough to pass.  I ended up with an "A" for my Intermediate Creative Non-fiction writing class, a "B-" for my Intermediate Poetry writing class, and a "C" for my Intermediate Algebra class which was the lowest grade you could get in order to move forward.  As a side note, UVU's Intermediate Algebra is notorious for failing students multiple semesters in a row.  The average student has to take this class 3 times in order to pass.  I passed it in one go, so I'm happy with that.
-I lost 476 pounds.  It's true.  My old roommate is 476 pounds of hate and anger and sorrow and despair and she leeches on to people and bleeds them dry of their soul.  I cut the leech off and I've never felt lighter in my entire life.  She is death and I'm glad to be done with her.  In my own sick way, I hope that she is reading this because I want her to know that I know everything and she'll know exactly what that means.  That's all the time I'm going to spend on her because she's worthless and also a narcissist and I want to piss her off and by giving no more attention to her, that will do it.  She's nobody and I'm glad to not have to put up with her anymore.  Losing 476 pounds definitely changes your life.
(It's not in my regular behavior to speak so cruelly of people and so if I've offended you, I apologize.  I've also learned that to ignore and swallow down feelings, especially when you've been the brunt of an abusive relationship is more damaging than just being honest.  And this friendship was very abusive.  And honestly, one day I may regret venting what I said about my old roommate on here, but right now I don't.  This has been a huge part of my life getting out of that friendship and I'm not going to hide it from you all).

Having said that, I've decided I'm not going to go into any of the details of what I feel I need to say.  I just want you all to know that I just came out of something life-altering and I'm better for it.  Maybe one day I will talk more on it, but for right now, I don't need to focus on the intricate details because what I just went through was so irrational, that to attempt to understand it will be impossible because we are all rational beings "here".  I've come out of the fire and I've been refined.  My experience has taught me that my compassion is angelic, but there comes a point where you've got to be compassionate to yourself and move on.  It's also taught me that my family will always love me and be in my corner.  Whatever issues I had with the details of the dynamic of my family, I've worked through them and in working through them I was able to more clearly see the dysfunction of my current life and that dysfunction had nothing to do with my family.  They are the light.

Sometimes I feel angry when I think of the betrayal I just experienced.  The man that I have spent nearly 3 years loving was not who I thought he was.  And there is way more to that statement than just the simple read of it, but I'm not going to go into it because it's not important.  It hurt.  It still hurts.  I feel anger and then relief that it's over and then anger because of all that I gave up to be with him.  I lost so much of myself in that relationship.  I feel anger because of what I've lost and then I feel relief because I can reclaim myself and it's over... the relationship is over and I'm relieved that I'm relieved.

I've spent a lot of time wondering why I'm vulnerable to these kinds of relationships.  I don't know what the answer is.  But this year I'm going to learn what the answer is. I could spend time mourning over this most recent loss, but I'm done mourning.  I'm ready to rebuild.  How do I keep getting "here"?  And is "here" the same place it was when I was "there" after the learned betrayal of Baby Daddy and then placement of a child who has brought so much life and light to my life?  I don't think it's the same place because the end lesson is different and new from that great lesson.

This is what I know.  I'm not angry for the experience... when it's all said and done, I'm not angry.  Confused, yes, but not angry.  Every experience I've had has taught me about my mission in life.  Every experience I've experienced has taught me a relateable compassion for a future someone... a future person that I'm meant to know and impact, and in turn they will impact me.  How can I be angry when I know that my combined experiences can help me to help others?  I am blessed.  Here's to 2013.  I'm looking forward to it.

My next post will be the theme for this year.  I've spent a lot of time thinking about it and what I want it to mean to me.  Until next time :)