"Strive to be Happy"

Something is brewing in me that I've wanted to write about the last few weeks, but I need to let it steep for a little longer so I know how to express it.  Let me start off by saying that my heart is so full right now.  I am in such a great place right now, emotionally speaking.  That's not to say that things aren't difficult right now, just I'm at a place where I've never been before; a place where I am learning how to separate myself in a good way from the stress.  I still experience the stress, but it doesn't become me.  


I have this friend named Chris.  I've known him since I was in middle-school.  He's a chill dude.  He's the one who got me curious about looking into Buddhism, which I've only dabbled in the research really.  Today, out of the blue- I haven't talked to him for a long while- Chris sent me an e-mail on my Facebook.  He said, "One of my favorite poems... thought I'd share."  The poem that he sent me is below.  


As I read the poem, my eyes began to water and my heart began to pound in the way when you are inspired.  And it's made me think about where I am right now... this place that I'm in now where I am starting to recognize myself, this girl who is no longer a girl-child, but a woman, and someone I've been wanting to meet for a while now.  In this woman there are glimpses of me and who I used to be and there are glimpses of the woman I want to be and am becoming... and it's awesome.  It's amazing how you can find yourself when you are no longer hiding from everyone.  It's amazing how you become who you are naturally to become when you set the boundaries in your life that need to be set so that you have a chance to live and live in a way that is your creation and not just what makes everyone around you feel comfortable. That life- living for other's- it's not a life, it creates insanity.  


For a long time I've been in a haze... since before Baby Boy was conceived... I was floundering and trying to find that balance between who I felt/feel I was/am and the person that other people wanted me to be.  I can't even describe to you the kind of crazy that living that way built up in me.  I can't begin to describe to you the kind of distrust that living that way nurtured in me.  I can't begin to explain to you how lost I've been... and now, the haze is clearing... and I don't feel crazy anymore and that's... joyous.  It's scary when you feel like you are slowly going insane, only you have to hide it.  And now, I'm seeing life more clearly and it's beautiful.  And I'm calm for the first time in so many years... I'm talking more than a decade here in terms of the years I'm talking about.  


The poem below expresses this calm that I'm talking about.  The poem below expresses the quiet truth that is building in me and replacing the distrust.  It describes the soft pride and honor that I feel is replacing the crazy that scared me for so long.  The poem below describes the connection with the earth that I feel... the sense of grounding I feel now, where in it's place I was once a gypsy just floating from place to place, both emotionally and physically, all the while looking for my heart and that place where I hoped to feel whole.  I am "a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars" and I "have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to [me], no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."  The power in that acceptance is unreal and yet so completely real and honest in it's truth.  And that truth leads to a delicately secure trust that I can let things happen as they will and make my choices based upon my truth and in that peace, all the sorrow and let-downs of the world remain quieter than they have in years; they are no longer the focus, rather the background noise to the aspirations of my soul which will not lead me astray because they are good and honest and in that is joy.  What I've learned?  Our hearts are not found in other places, they are found within our self acceptance.  That's not to say you won't come across people and places that you feel so completely soul-compatible with because our nature as human beings is to connect and love and allow ourselves to be loved.  What I'm saying and what I finally understand is that... you and I won't find that until we find ourselves and our love and acceptance for ourselves.  I finally get it.  Better yet, for the first time in my life, accomplishing that feels totally doable.  Enjoy the poem.  I did.



Desiderata
by Max Ehrmann


Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Sleep, You Faileth Me

The sun just rose and I am still awake.  This is a very interesting feeling that I'm feeling.  This weekend so far has been extremely enlightening.  I've had a few of those lately.  I have so much on my mind.  And it's good things.  I'm excited for the future and it's intimidating at the same time, but I believe in it.  You are going to think I'm crazy when I say this.  I went to a Tarot reader the other day... yes, it's true.  I've always wanted to go.  Part of me wanted to go for the sake of just seeing how close she could peg me.  The other part of me believes that it doesn't matter what you worship or how you worship, we all have gifts we have specifically been blessed with by the individual Deity we worship.  Pagan belief is no different from Christianity except for it's Deities are Earth-based... that's all.  Not a far leap when you think the Christ in Christian theology overcame the Earth and that the Earth herself in Christian belief was capable to mourn and rend herself at Christ's death.  "Rend"... that's an interesting word.  It means "To split or tear apart by violence; to pierce with sound; to become torn or split."  The Earth did all of that at Christ's death, so who is to say that those who worship the Earth have it wrong.  I got a little side-tracked there.  

Anyway, this Tarot reader, color me impressed.  I went in there poker-faced.  I chatted with her, kind of gave her the impression that I'm this silly kind of girl with a really sweet laugh.  I wasn't acting, I am that girl, but I didn't give her any opportunity to see any deep part of me.  I asked her pretty basic questions and told her I was interested in having my Tarot read.  She had me shuffle the deck of cards multiple times as she asked me what specifically I would like to know.  I told her that I just wanted to have a better feel for my future.  She did more than that.  Not only did she confirm some things I've been blessed to see for my future, but she also was pretty specific about some things from my past.  This was all without informing her of anything.

She talked about my past love life.  Again, she didn't know anything about me.  She doesn't know that I'm a birth-mother or that I placed my child for adoption and that his father betrayed me in some of the most dangerous ways a person can be betrayed.  She didn't know that I have trust issues because of him.  She didn't know that I am scared to be hurt again.  What she told me as she looked me in the eyes with tears glistening her own was "You were hurt deeply.  He betrayed your trust.  You gave a lot of yourself in that relationship and he took you for granted.  You lost so much because of him."  And then she talked about the man that I love right now.  She pinned it right on the dot.  She knew that things are complicated between us but that our love has been/is/and will be in the future, one that only comes along once in a lifetime.  And she knows that he is good and that he opened my heart up again... that when I was at my most scared to love again, he easily opened me up because he is absolutely lovable and completely engaging of my heart.  It's hard not to love him. I was stupid enough to try not to love him and... trust me, it's impossible.  

Where am I going with all of this?  He's the reason I'm excited about the future.  Excited and intimidated, but intimidated in a good way.  How do you even explain that?  He's the most real person I've ever known and that's what intimidates me.  I can let my guard down with him and I can let myself be vulnerable with him.  There have been many moments when I've gone to him, nearly broken in spirit and so low that I can't even look myself in the mirror and every time he's loved me.  He's accepted me at my most broken and he's loved me for being brave enough to show him.  And that's why I'm intimidated because I've never known a love like that.  And that's why I'm excited... because I've never known a love like that.  We are only friends right now and that's enough for me.  For as long as that's enough for him, it will be enough for me.  We both have trust we need to earn back and I'm willing to work at it.  

That's what's been on my mind since I went to the Tarot reader and this weekend so far.  Do you know what else is nice?  The excitement of the future overpowers everything else.  I feel like a child waiting and trying to sleep on Christmas Eve and ever anticipating Christmas morning.  And every noise in the night alerts the child that the morning is going to be the greatest day of their life.  Only the noises this night were memories of joy that I shared with him.  It reminds me of this song by Sugarland called "Tonight".  Have you ever heard that song?  Part of the lyrics say "If words could make it real, I'd tell you how I feel.  Instead I'm waiting here on my knees, love.  I know how it feels to breathe with you beside me.  I think about it always."   If you haven't heard the song you should definitely listen to it. 

The hopes of a child change dramatically when she's a woman.  I no longer wish for My Little Pony, instead I wish for a future that I dared dream of from the time I was a child.  I dream and believe in a future where my partner is my best friend and he is someone I laugh with every single day.  He is someone who cherishes his family.  He is someone who teaches his daughters how a man should treat them by devoting himself and his time to them.  He teaches them the type of future they should strive for by how he treats their mother.  We'll dance in the kitchen in p.j.'s and build forts in the living room using blankets and strategically placed chairs.  We'll have sock-puppet shows for movie nights.  Cloud watching will be a regular activity in our home.  Laughter will fill every corner of our home, as well as all the space in between.  He won't feel embarrassed to have tea parties with his daughters or to act out the favorite scenes from the princess movies, either standing in as ogre or prince, or both... all at the simple request of his children.  Karaoke will be a common occurrence in our home and there will always be a cause for silliness.  Our sons will want to be just like their dad.  He'll teach our boys the importance of manhood as well as the art of masculinity: leaving the toilet seat down while the women are home, offering the remote to the girls during times when Football season is not in play, dancing with their sisters during our kitchen dance-offs, holding doors open for the ladies, how to throw a spiral football, the most effective way to tackle in football, the rules of baseball and what an inning is, the importance and sacredity of femininity, and to always carry tissue because you never know when a woman may need it.  That's just to name a few.  

In case you are wondering, I've found that guy.  We may not be there yet, "there" meaning all those beautiful situations I used to describe the future I dream of and believe in, but I believe and know that we'll get there.  That's what I've been thinking about all night.  It's 2 minutes to 7:00 a.m. and I'm wide awake.  I can't complain with what's kept me awake though; I will take thoughts of joy and love any day over anything else.  On that note, I wish you a good morning and wonderful day.  Good bye for now.

We Are Never Meant to Fully Know, and Maybe That's the Beauty of it All

You know, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to post... I feel like what I had to say in my last post was only part of what I truly was feeling.  And it's taken me since my last post to recognize what the other part is.  I have sat down to do this post multiple times now and it never felt complete.  I'm sitting here tonight on the verge of an awesome moment.  Have you ever been acutely aware of that moment right before something awesome happens?  I don't know if I've ever been aware of it before.  And I've just been feeling it lately.  How do I describe it?  It's like a stretch... if you were a tree.  I'm smiling right now because I know that's a bizarre way of saying it and you are probably like "say wha?!"  I've been thinking a lot about trees lately.  I love trees.  You know that moment when you are laying in bed and the world is peaceful and you are secure in your covers and comfortable like an infant in swaddling?  And you look at your clock and you still have a good chunk of sleeping time left and the thought of that drives your contentment even deeper and you stretch... wide and long and you let out a sound of contentment as you stretch out and you can feel the stretch all the way from your fingertips to your toes.  It's like that... but if you were a tree and you were stretching off the frost of winter.

I'm in a place I've never been before.  I have no control over the major important aspects of my life.  I'm not saying I have no control, period, because that's not true.  I have control over waking up in the morning.  I have control of maintaining my hygiene and flossing my teeth.  I have control over going to work.  I have control over enrolling for school (which I just did).  I have control.  But in the major areas of my life that involve other people... I don't have complete control.  There was this time where I was trying to control and mediate everything between all the people I love most.  And... it didn't work.  And so I made a decision to not try and control any of it anymore and it was hard to come to the decision.  It's been the best decision of my life.  And I'm going to maintain the distance I've created.  But that means that a lot of the control I was trying to exercise and maintain... that I give that up as well.  And actually, I'm fine with that.  The idea of that helps me breathe deep.

Here's where I'm at.  I have no idea what's going to happen in the major parts of my life because I don't control every aspect of them.  I control my part in it and I know what I'm going to nurture and what I'm going to take a break from and that's all the control I need.  There is something about getting down to the basics and spending some time "there" in the Land of Basics, that really brings about a new perspective entirely.  And this is the place I'm talking about... that place that is on the verge of something really awesome.  And it feels good.  I compare it to a tree because I would imagine that if I were a tree and the last bit of winter melted away from me, my first inhale of Spring would rejuvenate my soul and the very root of my being.  And I would stretch that first breath of Spring to the tips of my roots that ground me in experience all the way up the to the very tip of every branch that I raise towards the Heavens in salute of gratitude for the morning.... and I would imagine that that kind of a stretch leaves an impact.  So whatever impact comes from this new place, I accept it willingly and openly and graciously because I'm seeing it with complete clarity and I can't wait.  And that's the point... the future should be something anxiously anticipated and excited for, and I'm there again.  I've let go of the control that bogged me down.  I've let go and the in-between place that kept me rooted when I wanted to stretch beyond myself.  I'm not caught or trapped anymore by the expectations of others... all I have are the beautiful expectations for my self.  And I'm excited for what's to come because I know it will be beautiful.

This is the clarity I was talking about in my last post.  I am grateful for all the difficulty of the last year.  I am grateful for all the experiences I've experienced that I thought would leave me soulless... that's not an exaggeration.  I have been to the place where I've wanted to wear Anger and Bitterness for the rest of my life... I've been to that place where Distrust was easier to swallow than Hope... I've been to that place where it didn't feel worth the fight anymore.  And I know exactly what it was that inspired me to push forward; deeply personal and sacred experience and vision of where I want to go.  It is at our lowest points in life that we see with the greatest clarity; I don't doubt this because I've lived it.  And I still am, but I'm learning to trust the clarity.  I wouldn't have had this clarity without the hardship and so I'm grateful for it.  I'm a blessed woman.  Not everything is in my control and I finally accept that truth; in fact I'm glad that it's not.  And, I don't know what's to come but I'm excited for it and I'm glad to be "here" again; "here" where I'm excited for what's to come because it's been a LONG time since I was last "here".