Anyway, this Tarot reader, color me impressed. I went in there poker-faced. I chatted with her, kind of gave her the impression that I'm this silly kind of girl with a really sweet laugh. I wasn't acting, I am that girl, but I didn't give her any opportunity to see any deep part of me. I asked her pretty basic questions and told her I was interested in having my Tarot read. She had me shuffle the deck of cards multiple times as she asked me what specifically I would like to know. I told her that I just wanted to have a better feel for my future. She did more than that. Not only did she confirm some things I've been blessed to see for my future, but she also was pretty specific about some things from my past. This was all without informing her of anything.
She talked about my past love life. Again, she didn't know anything about me. She doesn't know that I'm a birth-mother or that I placed my child for adoption and that his father betrayed me in some of the most dangerous ways a person can be betrayed. She didn't know that I have trust issues because of him. She didn't know that I am scared to be hurt again. What she told me as she looked me in the eyes with tears glistening her own was "You were hurt deeply. He betrayed your trust. You gave a lot of yourself in that relationship and he took you for granted. You lost so much because of him." And then she talked about the man that I love right now. She pinned it right on the dot. She knew that things are complicated between us but that our love has been/is/and will be in the future, one that only comes along once in a lifetime. And she knows that he is good and that he opened my heart up again... that when I was at my most scared to love again, he easily opened me up because he is absolutely lovable and completely engaging of my heart. It's hard not to love him. I was stupid enough to try not to love him and... trust me, it's impossible.
Where am I going with all of this? He's the reason I'm excited about the future. Excited and intimidated, but intimidated in a good way. How do you even explain that? He's the most real person I've ever known and that's what intimidates me. I can let my guard down with him and I can let myself be vulnerable with him. There have been many moments when I've gone to him, nearly broken in spirit and so low that I can't even look myself in the mirror and every time he's loved me. He's accepted me at my most broken and he's loved me for being brave enough to show him. And that's why I'm intimidated because I've never known a love like that. And that's why I'm excited... because I've never known a love like that. We are only friends right now and that's enough for me. For as long as that's enough for him, it will be enough for me. We both have trust we need to earn back and I'm willing to work at it.
That's what's been on my mind since I went to the Tarot reader and this weekend so far. Do you know what else is nice? The excitement of the future overpowers everything else. I feel like a child waiting and trying to sleep on Christmas Eve and ever anticipating Christmas morning. And every noise in the night alerts the child that the morning is going to be the greatest day of their life. Only the noises this night were memories of joy that I shared with him. It reminds me of this song by Sugarland called "Tonight". Have you ever heard that song? Part of the lyrics say "If words could make it real, I'd tell you how I feel. Instead I'm waiting here on my knees, love. I know how it feels to breathe with you beside me. I think about it always." If you haven't heard the song you should definitely listen to it.
The hopes of a child change dramatically when she's a woman. I no longer wish for My Little Pony, instead I wish for a future that I dared dream of from the time I was a child. I dream and believe in a future where my partner is my best friend and he is someone I laugh with every single day. He is someone who cherishes his family. He is someone who teaches his daughters how a man should treat them by devoting himself and his time to them. He teaches them the type of future they should strive for by how he treats their mother. We'll dance in the kitchen in p.j.'s and build forts in the living room using blankets and strategically placed chairs. We'll have sock-puppet shows for movie nights. Cloud watching will be a regular activity in our home. Laughter will fill every corner of our home, as well as all the space in between. He won't feel embarrassed to have tea parties with his daughters or to act out the favorite scenes from the princess movies, either standing in as ogre or prince, or both... all at the simple request of his children. Karaoke will be a common occurrence in our home and there will always be a cause for silliness. Our sons will want to be just like their dad. He'll teach our boys the importance of manhood as well as the art of masculinity: leaving the toilet seat down while the women are home, offering the remote to the girls during times when Football season is not in play, dancing with their sisters during our kitchen dance-offs, holding doors open for the ladies, how to throw a spiral football, the most effective way to tackle in football, the rules of baseball and what an inning is, the importance and sacredity of femininity, and to always carry tissue because you never know when a woman may need it. That's just to name a few.
In case you are wondering, I've found that guy. We may not be there yet, "there" meaning all those beautiful situations I used to describe the future I dream of and believe in, but I believe and know that we'll get there. That's what I've been thinking about all night. It's 2 minutes to 7:00 a.m. and I'm wide awake. I can't complain with what's kept me awake though; I will take thoughts of joy and love any day over anything else. On that note, I wish you a good morning and wonderful day. Good bye for now.
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