We Are Never Meant to Fully Know, and Maybe That's the Beauty of it All

You know, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to post... I feel like what I had to say in my last post was only part of what I truly was feeling.  And it's taken me since my last post to recognize what the other part is.  I have sat down to do this post multiple times now and it never felt complete.  I'm sitting here tonight on the verge of an awesome moment.  Have you ever been acutely aware of that moment right before something awesome happens?  I don't know if I've ever been aware of it before.  And I've just been feeling it lately.  How do I describe it?  It's like a stretch... if you were a tree.  I'm smiling right now because I know that's a bizarre way of saying it and you are probably like "say wha?!"  I've been thinking a lot about trees lately.  I love trees.  You know that moment when you are laying in bed and the world is peaceful and you are secure in your covers and comfortable like an infant in swaddling?  And you look at your clock and you still have a good chunk of sleeping time left and the thought of that drives your contentment even deeper and you stretch... wide and long and you let out a sound of contentment as you stretch out and you can feel the stretch all the way from your fingertips to your toes.  It's like that... but if you were a tree and you were stretching off the frost of winter.

I'm in a place I've never been before.  I have no control over the major important aspects of my life.  I'm not saying I have no control, period, because that's not true.  I have control over waking up in the morning.  I have control of maintaining my hygiene and flossing my teeth.  I have control over going to work.  I have control over enrolling for school (which I just did).  I have control.  But in the major areas of my life that involve other people... I don't have complete control.  There was this time where I was trying to control and mediate everything between all the people I love most.  And... it didn't work.  And so I made a decision to not try and control any of it anymore and it was hard to come to the decision.  It's been the best decision of my life.  And I'm going to maintain the distance I've created.  But that means that a lot of the control I was trying to exercise and maintain... that I give that up as well.  And actually, I'm fine with that.  The idea of that helps me breathe deep.

Here's where I'm at.  I have no idea what's going to happen in the major parts of my life because I don't control every aspect of them.  I control my part in it and I know what I'm going to nurture and what I'm going to take a break from and that's all the control I need.  There is something about getting down to the basics and spending some time "there" in the Land of Basics, that really brings about a new perspective entirely.  And this is the place I'm talking about... that place that is on the verge of something really awesome.  And it feels good.  I compare it to a tree because I would imagine that if I were a tree and the last bit of winter melted away from me, my first inhale of Spring would rejuvenate my soul and the very root of my being.  And I would stretch that first breath of Spring to the tips of my roots that ground me in experience all the way up the to the very tip of every branch that I raise towards the Heavens in salute of gratitude for the morning.... and I would imagine that that kind of a stretch leaves an impact.  So whatever impact comes from this new place, I accept it willingly and openly and graciously because I'm seeing it with complete clarity and I can't wait.  And that's the point... the future should be something anxiously anticipated and excited for, and I'm there again.  I've let go of the control that bogged me down.  I've let go and the in-between place that kept me rooted when I wanted to stretch beyond myself.  I'm not caught or trapped anymore by the expectations of others... all I have are the beautiful expectations for my self.  And I'm excited for what's to come because I know it will be beautiful.

This is the clarity I was talking about in my last post.  I am grateful for all the difficulty of the last year.  I am grateful for all the experiences I've experienced that I thought would leave me soulless... that's not an exaggeration.  I have been to the place where I've wanted to wear Anger and Bitterness for the rest of my life... I've been to that place where Distrust was easier to swallow than Hope... I've been to that place where it didn't feel worth the fight anymore.  And I know exactly what it was that inspired me to push forward; deeply personal and sacred experience and vision of where I want to go.  It is at our lowest points in life that we see with the greatest clarity; I don't doubt this because I've lived it.  And I still am, but I'm learning to trust the clarity.  I wouldn't have had this clarity without the hardship and so I'm grateful for it.  I'm a blessed woman.  Not everything is in my control and I finally accept that truth; in fact I'm glad that it's not.  And, I don't know what's to come but I'm excited for it and I'm glad to be "here" again; "here" where I'm excited for what's to come because it's been a LONG time since I was last "here".