Monday, February 27, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Meditative Musings
I've been feeling very like... out of control lately. And when I say out of control, I don't mean it in the way that at any moment I could do something reckless and stupid. I mean it in the sense that... I don't feel like I have any control in my day-to-day life. This post has so much potential to sound like a pity-party festival... and I don't mean it that way at all.
Every day, I go to work and my actions and involvement in my cases are simply reactive to the destruction of divorced couples towards each other and their children. Mom doesn't want to take daughters glasses to school because dad won't return daughter's cell phone to her... clearly the two aren't relevant in their solutions of each other, but daughter is getting headaches everyday because she is straining her eyes all day at school. So, I react to that and I mediate between mom and dad to come to a productive decision... and when that doesn't happen (which is most of the time) then I talk to my boss and she issues an Order of the Court, which I draft, have her sign, and send to the parents. And then the parent who is ordered to do something calls me up in a rage and I battle it out verbally with them for half and hour. Nothing changes, the parents are still just as angry at each other as the day they filed for divorce, and the order only makes them more difficult to work with the next time mine and my boss' involvement becomes necessary. I do that, Monday through Friday, every week, from 9:00 a.m. until there are no more fires to put out.
I also assist in the divorce mediations at the office that we do daily; I draft the stipulations as agreements are made. One of the requirements for Utah State is that divorcing couples participate in mediation before the finality of the divorce; it's more economical and less time consuming for the courts if they don't have to divide the Real Property, belongings, debts, etc. Also, if parent time is involved and needs to be calendared, you can get something decided that is more conducive for both parents and more creative than regular statue, which the courts would order if left to them. This past week alone, I have been at the office till 10:00 p.m. twice because of a long mediation.
On Mondays and Wednesdays, I actually leave work early to go to my classes where I talk about literature for about 2.5 hours and then I go to math... which is horrifying no matter how you look at it. And then for the rest of the week, the time in between sleeping, work, and school... I am studying. I don't even have time to cook... or clean... my bedroom looks like a hurricane blew through it. For my literature classes, I am reading 2 novels a week. I don't go to church because on Sundays is when I get most of my reading done. I literally walk around my apartment with two books in my hands, one in each, and I switch back and forth in the reading. I drink directly out of the milk jug... as I continue to read. I've had too many accidents with spilled milk to count.
It's frustrating. I don't feel like I have time to exist. I miss the gym. I miss my friends. I miss my nieces and nephews. I miss watching movies. I miss seeing the outdoors on the weekend. I miss driving just for the sake of taking a drive and falling in love with the mountains. My therapist gave me an assignment to make a list of 40 things that make me and my life worthwhile, as well as to look up at the sky everyday for 5 minutes. I haven't done either. The only time I see the outdoors, it's night time.
I was really stressed about all this the other night. I had a goal to get another 4.0 this semester, and quite frankly, I don't know if it's going to be doable. But, I'm not going to give up. I came to the conclusion that I need to just do it. Just do it. No more contemplating my schedule, no more feeling like I don't have time to invest... especially in myself. I have put the gym off this entire semester because I didn't feel like I had the time to dedicate to it. If it came between sleep and gym, I didn't have time for either because I've had a book glued to my face. I've felt like I have to let one thing go in order to nurture something else and that is a horrible feeling. I laid awake in bed making mental lists of all the had to be done. Have you guys seen the movie "I Don't Know How She Does It"? The part where she is talking about the science study about mothers who have children between certain ages don't get any sleep and it was unknown why that is. Sarah Jessica Parker's character is talking about this and then she answers this unknown by stating that they don't get any sleep because they are awake all night mentalizing their lists of things that have to get done. It's a funny movie. That's been me this entire semester. I lay awake at night thinking about all that needs to get done, when I should be sleeping. This is the circular thread my mind was weaving the other night as I laid in bed stressing over how I'm going to nurture all that I want to nurture. And then the thought entered my mind,
That's the answer, folks. I know that I'm not the only one who lays awake at night with mental lists and stressing over getting everything done that needs to get done. I know that I'm not the only one with a stressful job that feels all-consuming. I know I'm not the only single birth-mother who is working full-time and going to school with what feels like an un-manageble credit load. I know that I'm not the only over-weight woman out there stressing about her health and how she is going to fit exercise into her daily life. So, what is the answer? Instead of thinking about the process, we've got to just jump into it.
I know this years focus is Balance and yellow. And... jumping into it feels more Red, but analyzing every step is Blue. And so, for this moment, jumping in is the only way to Balance out every aspect of my life that I want to nurture. Sometimes there is Balance in jumping in full force. There definitely isn't any Balance to nourishing only one part of your life and letting the rest go to the wayside because there isn't time enough to dedicate to it all. Just do it. I'm gonna just do it.
Friday, February 24, 2012
New Look
Hello Dear Readers,
You've probably noticed that my blog is looking more and more different lately. I think my desire to change it's look is slowing down... I may change the backdrop... I'm still contemplating. Anyway, I wanted to point out some helpful resources for you all, though I'm sure you've already figured them out. I've started to go back to label my past posts, so on the left panel you will see the labels that you can click on and it should bring up the posts that have those specific words in them. I haven't completed the entire history of my posts, but I've made some good progress and plan on finishing soon.
Also on the left is a list of my most-read blog posts, so if you are new to my blog, I think these two resources will give you a good place to start to get familiar with the type of material I write about and that is closest to my heart.
I want to thank you all for your interest in what I have to say and your sharing of what you want to say and for helping to expand the knowledge of what open adoption is. Please continue commenting and sharing what you have to share. And, if you are new to my blog, warmest welcomes to you.
If there is something you want to ask me, or there is something you want to hear my thoughts on, or any input for the type of material you would like to see explored and discussed, then post it on the most recent blog post and we'll go from there. I really would like to get this blog to a point where it is interactive and sharing of thoughts and ideas, rather than me just talking. So, let me hear your feed-back. I would really appreciate it.
Thank you so much!!
Other Mother
You've probably noticed that my blog is looking more and more different lately. I think my desire to change it's look is slowing down... I may change the backdrop... I'm still contemplating. Anyway, I wanted to point out some helpful resources for you all, though I'm sure you've already figured them out. I've started to go back to label my past posts, so on the left panel you will see the labels that you can click on and it should bring up the posts that have those specific words in them. I haven't completed the entire history of my posts, but I've made some good progress and plan on finishing soon.
Also on the left is a list of my most-read blog posts, so if you are new to my blog, I think these two resources will give you a good place to start to get familiar with the type of material I write about and that is closest to my heart.
I want to thank you all for your interest in what I have to say and your sharing of what you want to say and for helping to expand the knowledge of what open adoption is. Please continue commenting and sharing what you have to share. And, if you are new to my blog, warmest welcomes to you.
If there is something you want to ask me, or there is something you want to hear my thoughts on, or any input for the type of material you would like to see explored and discussed, then post it on the most recent blog post and we'll go from there. I really would like to get this blog to a point where it is interactive and sharing of thoughts and ideas, rather than me just talking. So, let me hear your feed-back. I would really appreciate it.
Thank you so much!!
Other Mother
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
"I ain't got nothing but today and a whole lot of tomorrows"
The above quote is from a text I just got done reading for my Contemporary American Literature class. It is from the book Down These Mean Streets by Piri Thomas which is an amazingly entertaining and gripping Autobiography of Mr. Thomas' life in Spanish Harlem. This novel is amazing as is the author who just passed away last November. Warning: If you are offended by harsh language and graphic details, this book is not the book for you. Having said that, the language took getting used to and some of the graphic details were shocking to get through.
This book is about identity. It's about one man's journey to declaring and accepting his identity, not for identification, but for self-creation. There are so many quotes from this book that are truly beautiful. The title of this blog is one of those quotes, another goes along well with it. Piri Thomas was incarcerated for shooting a cop at a night club that he and his partners were robbing. He was in prison for 6 years and when he was released and on parole, his parole officer warned him to cut all acquaintance with his old contacts. Curiosity gets the better of Piri and he hits up his old friends. One of them is a man addicted to Heroine and tweaks up in front of Piri, who is sober from the habit himself. This old friend offers him a chance to shoot up and Piri declines. Piri walks away from his friend and as he walked away, the thought occurred to him, "Everything happened yesterday... I was a kid yesterday and my whole world was yesterday. I ain't got nothing but today and a whole lot of tomorrows."
Piri grew up fast, joining gangs when he was 12 and starting drugs at 14 and robbing his first business as a 14-15 year old. He left home when he was 17 and lived the next near-decade of his life in anger and hate. As a 20 year old he became a career criminal and made his living off of pushing drugs to buyers. He became hooked on the substance he pushed and it was all downhill from there. He survived withdrawals and became sober only to move in to the work of armed-robbery to make his living. It was at this point, after some successful robberies that he shot a cop and was incarcerated.
His time in prison was filled with education, both scholarly, and self-evaluative. It was in prison that he claimed his identity and his life turned around. When he was released, he turned his life to God and to service. It was hard to get to where he got because he he constantly doubted himself and if he was capable of moving forward. That's the point of this blog post.
We all have yesterdays. Some of our yesterdays are really hard to let go of. Yesterdays are what-ifs in disguise. Yesterday is "yesterday"... meaning, a day since past. Not everything from our yesterday can be so easily discarded and let go of, and perhaps not everything should be "moved on from"; that is left to your discretion. The point is, all we have is "today and a whole lot of tomorrows", so let's not waste them on the yesterdays we can let go and the what-ifs that "are nots". Another quote I love, "If it's important, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse." Let go of the excuses and find the way for the importants. "Todays" and "Tomorrows" are blessed things because within them both lays opportunity of our making. So make it happen.
This book is about identity. It's about one man's journey to declaring and accepting his identity, not for identification, but for self-creation. There are so many quotes from this book that are truly beautiful. The title of this blog is one of those quotes, another goes along well with it. Piri Thomas was incarcerated for shooting a cop at a night club that he and his partners were robbing. He was in prison for 6 years and when he was released and on parole, his parole officer warned him to cut all acquaintance with his old contacts. Curiosity gets the better of Piri and he hits up his old friends. One of them is a man addicted to Heroine and tweaks up in front of Piri, who is sober from the habit himself. This old friend offers him a chance to shoot up and Piri declines. Piri walks away from his friend and as he walked away, the thought occurred to him, "Everything happened yesterday... I was a kid yesterday and my whole world was yesterday. I ain't got nothing but today and a whole lot of tomorrows."
Piri grew up fast, joining gangs when he was 12 and starting drugs at 14 and robbing his first business as a 14-15 year old. He left home when he was 17 and lived the next near-decade of his life in anger and hate. As a 20 year old he became a career criminal and made his living off of pushing drugs to buyers. He became hooked on the substance he pushed and it was all downhill from there. He survived withdrawals and became sober only to move in to the work of armed-robbery to make his living. It was at this point, after some successful robberies that he shot a cop and was incarcerated.
His time in prison was filled with education, both scholarly, and self-evaluative. It was in prison that he claimed his identity and his life turned around. When he was released, he turned his life to God and to service. It was hard to get to where he got because he he constantly doubted himself and if he was capable of moving forward. That's the point of this blog post.
We all have yesterdays. Some of our yesterdays are really hard to let go of. Yesterdays are what-ifs in disguise. Yesterday is "yesterday"... meaning, a day since past. Not everything from our yesterday can be so easily discarded and let go of, and perhaps not everything should be "moved on from"; that is left to your discretion. The point is, all we have is "today and a whole lot of tomorrows", so let's not waste them on the yesterdays we can let go and the what-ifs that "are nots". Another quote I love, "If it's important, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse." Let go of the excuses and find the way for the importants. "Todays" and "Tomorrows" are blessed things because within them both lays opportunity of our making. So make it happen.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
A Trip Back in Time... Also Known As 'Down Memory Lane'
I've been thinking about the past a lot lately and where I used to be and where I am now and I've been reading through some old posts of mine and I came across a post written in January 2011, so, barely over 1 year ago. The post is "Feeling the Need to Speak" and it was written on January 18, 2011. I remember this time vividly, it's a time that my memory visits often. Things at that point were sunlight wonderful. Do you know what I mean by that? When I was a child and it was winter time and I was cold, I would curl up on the floor beneath a window and the sunlight the streamed into the window warmed the part of carpet it fell upon, and there I was in the streaming sunlight and it warmed me to my core and it was such a comforting feeling. I remember that kind of warmth so well. That's what I mean when I say sunlight wonderful.
At the time this post was written, I felt like everything was "happening". Having said that, I was also cautious of the "happening"... I had this constant nagging in the back of my overly active imagination that kept telling me that I was living a lie and that I wasn't good enough for what was happening and that if people really knew me, they would know that I didn't deserve what I had. Isn't that horrible? At that time I wouldn't acknowledge that fear because I didn't want it to be a fear of mine... I didn't want that fear to belong to me and be a part of me.
In that post I wrote something that stood out to me today. I wrote, "... I focused on what kind of mother I want to be; and that woman is fearless. I should explain my interpretation of that word. Fearlessness to me is not the absence of fear itself, rather it's the presence of fear and still choosing to live your life out loud despite being surrounded by the things that you are afraid of. Fearlessness is choosing to live life especially when in the midst of the unknown."
What stuck out to me from that past post was that- at the time- even though I felt like I was capable of saying those words and that the theory behind those words was deserving, I still didn't know if I was truly capable of ever becoming that woman. "Fearlessness is choosing to live life especially when in the midst of the unknown." Everything about "now" is unknown to me... that's an hyperbole. I know that today is Thursday. I know that I my left eye is twitching and it's annoying. I know that it's winter, only there is no snow on the ground. Not everything is unknown... but the big things, the things that are important to me and that I strive to achieve and the people that I love that things are complicated with... the outcome of these major parts of my life are "unknown"... unknown in the way that the outcome of these specifics are out of my control
There is one specific desire of my heart that is surrounded in complication and I'm afraid of what the outcome could not be. Having said this, I'm not going to give up on the "hope" of it. And that's the point I'm trying to make. Life can feel unbearable when you are surrounded by the unknown regarding the desires closest to your heart and soul... and it can be scary to want to continue to try, and that's the point. You've got to keep trying. If it is important to you, then you've got to keep trying and you've got to let go of the control, and you've got to let the unknown unravel as it will and you've got to adapt to it and you've got to live the new story.
I'm this woman. The words that I wrote a little over 1 year ago that I didn't think I could become... I'm that woman. I'm a strong woman and I am fearless because I choose to live with the unknown instead of hide from it. We all are this person, we just need to believe it.
At the time this post was written, I felt like everything was "happening". Having said that, I was also cautious of the "happening"... I had this constant nagging in the back of my overly active imagination that kept telling me that I was living a lie and that I wasn't good enough for what was happening and that if people really knew me, they would know that I didn't deserve what I had. Isn't that horrible? At that time I wouldn't acknowledge that fear because I didn't want it to be a fear of mine... I didn't want that fear to belong to me and be a part of me.
In that post I wrote something that stood out to me today. I wrote, "... I focused on what kind of mother I want to be; and that woman is fearless. I should explain my interpretation of that word. Fearlessness to me is not the absence of fear itself, rather it's the presence of fear and still choosing to live your life out loud despite being surrounded by the things that you are afraid of. Fearlessness is choosing to live life especially when in the midst of the unknown."
What stuck out to me from that past post was that- at the time- even though I felt like I was capable of saying those words and that the theory behind those words was deserving, I still didn't know if I was truly capable of ever becoming that woman. "Fearlessness is choosing to live life especially when in the midst of the unknown." Everything about "now" is unknown to me... that's an hyperbole. I know that today is Thursday. I know that I my left eye is twitching and it's annoying. I know that it's winter, only there is no snow on the ground. Not everything is unknown... but the big things, the things that are important to me and that I strive to achieve and the people that I love that things are complicated with... the outcome of these major parts of my life are "unknown"... unknown in the way that the outcome of these specifics are out of my control
There is one specific desire of my heart that is surrounded in complication and I'm afraid of what the outcome could not be. Having said this, I'm not going to give up on the "hope" of it. And that's the point I'm trying to make. Life can feel unbearable when you are surrounded by the unknown regarding the desires closest to your heart and soul... and it can be scary to want to continue to try, and that's the point. You've got to keep trying. If it is important to you, then you've got to keep trying and you've got to let go of the control, and you've got to let the unknown unravel as it will and you've got to adapt to it and you've got to live the new story.
I'm this woman. The words that I wrote a little over 1 year ago that I didn't think I could become... I'm that woman. I'm a strong woman and I am fearless because I choose to live with the unknown instead of hide from it. We all are this person, we just need to believe it.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Hopeful Adoptive Family: Walker Family Spotlight
**How did you meet
your spouse? How long did you both date
before you decided to get married? How
long have you been married?**
Steve and I met online actually! I was on love@aol.com (now match.com) and he was one of my "pics" of the week. My first thought when I saw his face was, "He has cheeks like mine!" I "winked" at him to let him know I thought he was cute. His profile headline was, "Are you looking for your prince?" He had me as his "pic of the week" too and had saved me under his "hot" list (lol). We emailed for about three weeks and then he called me (I was about to get my car washed and had like five minutes to talk). We had our first date on March 6, 2004 and it was an instant connection.
**What was the first
thing you really came to appreciate about your spouse and why was that
quality/characteristic important to you [if the ladies of the couple are
answering this, then grab your husband's and have them answer it for you as
well ;) ]?**
**Do you have any
current family traditions that you celebrate as a family? If so, how did these traditions begin?**
**If you currently
have children, how many children do you have right? Are they biological? Are they adopted?**
**If not already
explained, how did you come to the decision to adopt?**
**How has your
experience in the world of adoption mirrored or changed your expectation of
adoption?**
**If you currently
have children who are adopted, what is your current relationship with the
birth-mothers/birth-families of your children?**
**If you currently
have children who are adopted, do you have any traditions that their
birth-mother's share in on? If so, what
are they? (eg., my adoptive couple gives
me an ornament every year with a picture of Baby Boy in it, and I love it and
appreciate it so much).**
**How do you define
open adoption? What is open adoption to
you?**
I think post-placement has been where the most growth has taken place with us and his birth mother and father (more so with his birth mom). We are Facebook friends with her and share pictures and she comments on them. She's opened up more and more as more time has gone by and it's been such a blessing.
**For any young woman considering placing her child for adoption, and who is reading this right now, what do you want to say to her?**
Lastly, if you decide to place your baby for adoption, be PROUD of yourself. Don't beat yourself up, or think anything negative about yourself. You are ALWAYS going to be that baby's mom and whether or not your raise them, you will always be a significant part of the person that they become. The decision to place them into the arms of another person, is the most selfless thing that you can do. To decide that you cannot give your baby what you think they deserve, is the ultimate sacrifice. You should hold your head high and know that you're special, you're important, and you matter to that baby.
Thank you!!!
Cathy
Steve and I met online actually! I was on love@aol.com (now match.com) and he was one of my "pics" of the week. My first thought when I saw his face was, "He has cheeks like mine!" I "winked" at him to let him know I thought he was cute. His profile headline was, "Are you looking for your prince?" He had me as his "pic of the week" too and had saved me under his "hot" list (lol). We emailed for about three weeks and then he called me (I was about to get my car washed and had like five minutes to talk). We had our first date on March 6, 2004 and it was an instant connection.
We wanted to start off as church buddies, since he wasn't
sure if he was ready for a relationship. Our friendship progressed to a deeper
connection and we felt like we had known each other for years, when it was only
a month!
Our first date started with going to mass, then we went
back to his apartment and made dinner together and then we looked through
pictures and videos of his friends and family. It was the greatest date of my
life.
We have been inseparable since March of 2004 until
present. Steve asked me to marry him on September 17, 2005 while we were
camping with some friends. We got married in the Bahamas (barefoot on the
beach) on July 8, 2006. This past July we celebrated five amazing years
together.
I appreciate so much about Steve, it's hard to pick just
one. If I did have to pick one quality/characteristic that I value most, it'd
be his ability and willingness to communicate. I feel very strongly about
communication being the key to all successful relationships. Steve is open,
honest, and values our relationship. We don't fight. We might have a
disagreement, but we always talk it out and in the end, we can agree to
disagree, but we never fight. We both feel that what we have is too important
and we don't sweat the small stuff.
Steve says that he appreciates my humor and ability to
laugh at things. He likes that I don't take things too seriously, I'm
low-maintenance, and I'm fun to be around.
We celebrate Gus's Adoption Day (April 15) every year, as
it's a very special day for us as a family. Last year we celebrated by going to
a pottery place and we painted a platter and put our handprints on it. It's
beautiful. Not sure what we'll do this year, but it'll be special and something
we do together as a family (and just us).
We also go up to Michigan twice a year (the months always
change). We go up to see my side of our family, and Gus's side of our family.
We're hoping to start a tradition this year, of going up and doing a camping
trip with all of my side of our family (my brothers and their families, and my
parents). It should be really fun for Gus to spend great time with his cousins,
aunts, uncles, and grandparents.
We have one son, Gus. He was born on May 11, 2010 and
he's adopted. He's the love of my life and the answer to so many prayers. He's
special for so many reasons and is loved by all who meet him. He's got a
dazzling personality and is just completely delightful to be around. He
brightens each day and brings a smile to my face just thinking about him.
I always wanted to adopt. My mom was in an orphanage for
a brief time as a child and it always perplexed me as to how she (being as
amazing and wonderful as she is) could be looked over by anyone. So, it was
always something I wanted to do when I was older.
When Steve and I got married and started trying to start
a family, we were faced with four years of agony. I never stressed too much
about it because I knew adoption was something I wanted to do anyway, but I had
wanted to have biological children first and adopt second. God had a different
plan.
One day after school, my room mom came to see how I was.
She and I got to talking and she asked about my family and if I had any kids. I
shared with her our struggle with infertility and she shared that she and her
husband had adopted their youngest daughter. She gave me the name of her agency
and I shared her info with Steve while we were celebrating our 3rd anniversary
at the beach.
Steve wasn't ready to start the process until that
October. It took him three months of praying and thinking about it before he
was ready. When he was ready we started the paperwork.
I didn't really know what to expect. We were told that we
wouldn't be able to adopt a healthy child and to expect a child born addicted
to something. We were told that we'd probably not be adopting a Caucasian child
and to be prepared and ready for an interracial adoption. We were told that
birth fathers are not in the picture ever... So be prepared to only deal with
the birth mother.
Everything that we were told was the opposite. Our son is
Caucasian (blonde hair and blue eyed), he was born to a mother who never used
any drugs and didn't drink while pregnant. Our son has a birth mother and
father (who are still together) and they BOTH love him and are active in his
life.
I don't know if we're living the exception to the rule,
but we have an incredible open adoption and hope to have something as great for
the second time around.
Because we live in another state from them, we don't see
them as much as we'd like. That being said, we don't see our own families as
much as we'd like, and we try to keep ALL sides of our family as connected to
us as possible.
I think we're pretty lucky to have them as part of our
family. Both sides of Gus's side of our family have welcomed us into their
family, and genuinely care about us. We genuinely care about them as well.
When we head to MI, we see my side of our family, and
Gus's side of our family. We include them in all aspects of our life.
Gus has a Facebook page and it's for all sides of his
family. My side, Steve's side, and his biological side. They get to see
pictures at the same time as everyone else.
I send weekly texts with pictures to everyone, we send
presents and pictures, and they're no less important to us than our own
parents. They send us gifts too and it's very sweet.
We feel so fortunate to have so many people love our son.
He will never have to wonder where he comes from, what roots he has, or doubt
if anyone loves him.
We try to make it to MI each year around his birthday so
that we can celebrate his birth together (all of us) as a complete family. He
got to sit on his birth mom's lap and blow out his candle last year and open
presents while sitting on her lap. It was the most amazing day.
I send her something each year for Birth Mother's Day
(the Saturday before Mother's Day Sunday).
Each year, just after his birthday, I make a video of
pictures of Gus throughout the year. I always send her (and his birth father) a
copy so they can see him change before their eyes (since they're not here to
see it in person).
We send Christmas gifts. Each year I do something with
his hand/foot prints and send it to them.
Open adoption is when everything is out in the open.
There's nothing hidden and everyone is fully aware of the intentions,
expectations, and realities of adoption. It's face-to-face visits, pictures,
cards, letters, text messages, and correspondence that's not done through a
facilitator.
To me, open adoption is everything. It's giving my child
their future and their past all in one. It's making sure that when questions
arise, we have a way to get answers. It's for the child COMPLETELY. It might be
hard, and often it is, but ultimately, it's for the benefit of the child
involved-- because THEY didn't ask to be born, and THEY didn't ask to be
adopted. They deserve to have the best of all worlds... One where they know
their story, they understand it, and they appreciate the choice their birth
parents made for them to have the life that they have.
Anything but open adoption is cruel (in my opinion). I
think there are circumstances where it's in the best interest of the child to
not have a connection to their birth family, but it's still cruel to deny them
the ability to know where they come from. It's cruel to deny the extended
family the right to know the child that their family member decided to place
for adoption.
With open adoption, everyone wins. Everyone.
**What would your
ideal relationship with "your" birth-mother be, pre-placement? (Would you like to attend Dr. appointments
with her, have her to Sunday dinners, get together on a monthly basis for a
movie, &etc? How involved would you,
ideally, like to be involved, &etc.)**
We're talking ideal... So in my ideal world, I'd love to
attend appointments, be there when the baby is born, and have this great
relationship. However, it's not ever going to happen. I'd be so afraid to get
"sucked in" and committed and excited to be a mom again, and I'd
worry that it'd all be gone with a change of mind. I'd be afraid that the birth
mother would decide to parent and I'd be devastated that I invested so much
hope in the relationship.
I almost feel like birth mothers should not
"match" with a family until after the baby is born, and she's 100000%
certain that placement is what she wants to do.
But in an ideal world, I'd love a birth mom to trust us,
open her life to us, and connect with us. I'd love to have a birth mom share
her story with us and continue with it after the baby is born. I'd love to have
her be the intricate part of our family that she should be.
**If you already
have adopted children, in your experience, what part of the adoption process
(pre-placement, placement, post-placement) have you found to be the most
important to the building of the relationship between you and the birth-mother?**
We didn't find out about Gus until May 3, 2010. We had
exactly one week from the time that we were "matched" with his birth
family, to when he was born. In that time, we never talked to his birth mom or
dad. We only talked to her aunt (she worked with my cousin and the two of them
brought us together). It was so scary to not have any details worked out, to
not know what she was thinking/feeling. I was so worried that she was going to
change her mind, I didn't allow myself to get attached.
I think post-placement has been where the most growth has taken place with us and his birth mother and father (more so with his birth mom). We are Facebook friends with her and share pictures and she comments on them. She's opened up more and more as more time has gone by and it's been such a blessing.
She just sent us a package with a Valentine's Day card
for our family, two stuffed frogs for Gus, and then she had one of her friends
(he's in art school) hand draw a picture of our family. She had it framed and
sent it to us. It was so unexpected and thoughtful. Our relationship has come a
long way and it's only getting better and better.
**For any young woman considering placing her child for adoption, and who is reading this right now, what do you want to say to her?**
It's so important that you follow your instincts and your
heart. Don't do anything that you're not 100% comfortable doing. Deciding to
place your child for adoption is the most agonizing decision you'll ever have
to make, don't go into it lightly. Take the time to really determine what's
most important to you and find what you think is the best possible connection
with a family.
Don't let anyone pressure you into adoption. It's
something that you'll always regret if you're not 100% certain. If you have
doubts or hesitations, don't enter into something that will affect everyone
involved. Adoption isn't for everyone, but neither is parenting.
You really need to make a list of pros and cons and trust
yourself. If you decide that adoption is the right choice for your baby, go
into it with an open heart, and really allow yourself to find the right people
to raise your baby. Find people who will include you in your child's life. Be
up front and honest, and speak your wishes.
Make sure that the family that you choose, values YOU,
and isn't just saying what they think you want to hear. When you find the right
family, you'll know it.
No matter what decision you make, you have to think about
what's the best thing for your baby. I think OPEN adoption is the best of both
worlds, but it's not for everyone. Good luck with your decision and keep an
open mind. There are thousands of people looking to adopt an infant... Only one
of them will be the right match for you. Decide what you'd ideally want your
baby to have, and if you can't give them what they deserve, find a family who
can.
Lastly, if you decide to place your baby for adoption, be PROUD of yourself. Don't beat yourself up, or think anything negative about yourself. You are ALWAYS going to be that baby's mom and whether or not your raise them, you will always be a significant part of the person that they become. The decision to place them into the arms of another person, is the most selfless thing that you can do. To decide that you cannot give your baby what you think they deserve, is the ultimate sacrifice. You should hold your head high and know that you're special, you're important, and you matter to that baby.
**Do you have a blog
that you would like to share with those reading this today? If so, what is the address of your blog?**
We do! We have an adoption blog and we're on
hopingtoadopt.org and have a profile on there as well.
Here We Go Again (Our adoption blog):
http://walkersadopt.blogspot.com/
Hoping to Adopt (Our profile page):
http://www.hopingtoadopt.org/index.php/family/letters/448Cathy
Monday, February 13, 2012
[Untitled]
[Untitled]
Some things are best said in a language
Native to breath;
They connect better with the heart.
Your language is different than mine.
You say what you mean-
Te he dolido tanto,
Se esto.
He hecho dano nosotros,
Lo siento.
I say what I feel-
Tu mi has dolido tambien-
Dolemos.
I don’t know how to talk about things anymore.
My truth was lost in the context of feeling and
Explaining only made things worse
Because they explained away your hurt,
I’m sorry.
Estoy triste que estamos separados.
When we fight, language becomes broken,
But I know
Tu mi necesitas como le necesito.
Se esto.
I know that feelings are important,
And relevance is in our words,
And words are truth;
Truth is reality-
Yo se creo en nosotros todavia.
Puedo aprender a perdonarle.
Lo siento.
Please forgive me.
With you,
I’d start again,
From the beginning,
I’d start again,
With you.
Nuestras almas so companeras eternas.
To you, hope- I
Hope the meaning of my heart reaches
You.
Veulva a mi.
Copyright: Other Mother
Comment Authorization
Hello everyone,
I have noticed some spam comments on my blog; meaning, generalized random comments that have nothing to do with anything that act simply as a link to a sales scheme. Having said this, I am now going to set comments to be previewed and authorized by me before they are posted on my blog. I never wanted to have to do this because I want you all to be able to express yourselves freely on this blog and without hindrance of a delayed comment.
I don't want trashy sales schemes to dilute the purity of what this blog is about, which is why I'm changing to authorized comments.
Please don't let this hinder you from commenting freely and openly. Please understand that I love and appreciate your comments so much; you all have just as much to do with where I am today, as I do. I learn from your perspective and it is important to me, so please don't stop commenting. Thank you for your support and continued input.
Most Sincerely,
Other Mother
I have noticed some spam comments on my blog; meaning, generalized random comments that have nothing to do with anything that act simply as a link to a sales scheme. Having said this, I am now going to set comments to be previewed and authorized by me before they are posted on my blog. I never wanted to have to do this because I want you all to be able to express yourselves freely on this blog and without hindrance of a delayed comment.
I don't want trashy sales schemes to dilute the purity of what this blog is about, which is why I'm changing to authorized comments.
Please don't let this hinder you from commenting freely and openly. Please understand that I love and appreciate your comments so much; you all have just as much to do with where I am today, as I do. I learn from your perspective and it is important to me, so please don't stop commenting. Thank you for your support and continued input.
Most Sincerely,
Other Mother
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Hopeful Adoptive Family: Prowse Family Spotlight
http://prowsehouseadopts.blogspot.com/
When I was 12 years old, I moved to a new city. I was nervous to be in new surroundings and anxious that I wouldn't make very many friends. Not much later after I first moved in, I met Brinn. My first thoughts were of intimidation because she was so pretty and I felt so awkward.. It didn't take me much time to realize how kind-hearted and accepting she was. She had a big impact on me through my adolescent years because she always had a kind word to say to everyone she came in contact with. She was a talented soccer player and she was soft-spoken and eloquent in everything else she undertook. She had the funniest personality and the sweetest laugh and she was always up for a good laugh. After graduation, as everyone usually does, our entire graduating class went our separate ways to conquer the world in our own special way, and Brinn was one of the friends I lost contact with. Just recently we found each other on Facebook (gotta love The Facebook) and it's been just as easy as I remember to talk with her and catch up on the time since we graduated, so that it feels like we've always been in contact with each other.
Brinn has a beautiful family and they are talented people. They are amazing parents and are wanting to grow their family. Take some time to view their blog (above link) and share it with everyone you know so that we can help get the word out about these amazing people. Share it with everyone you know, because you never know who is going to find a birthmother who is looking for a family for her little baby. Maybe that birthmother is you; if it is, check out this family. They are wonderful people and they value the sacredness of a birthmother.
When I was 12 years old, I moved to a new city. I was nervous to be in new surroundings and anxious that I wouldn't make very many friends. Not much later after I first moved in, I met Brinn. My first thoughts were of intimidation because she was so pretty and I felt so awkward.. It didn't take me much time to realize how kind-hearted and accepting she was. She had a big impact on me through my adolescent years because she always had a kind word to say to everyone she came in contact with. She was a talented soccer player and she was soft-spoken and eloquent in everything else she undertook. She had the funniest personality and the sweetest laugh and she was always up for a good laugh. After graduation, as everyone usually does, our entire graduating class went our separate ways to conquer the world in our own special way, and Brinn was one of the friends I lost contact with. Just recently we found each other on Facebook (gotta love The Facebook) and it's been just as easy as I remember to talk with her and catch up on the time since we graduated, so that it feels like we've always been in contact with each other.
Brinn has a beautiful family and they are talented people. They are amazing parents and are wanting to grow their family. Take some time to view their blog (above link) and share it with everyone you know so that we can help get the word out about these amazing people. Share it with everyone you know, because you never know who is going to find a birthmother who is looking for a family for her little baby. Maybe that birthmother is you; if it is, check out this family. They are wonderful people and they value the sacredness of a birthmother.
Adoptive Family Spotlights
Hello dear readers,
I would like to start doing spotlights for hopeful families wanting to adopt. I don't believe I have a huge presence in the world of adoptive families, but anyone who reads this blog, if you know of anyone who is in the process of adoption who wants to get their blogs and information out there; send them to my blog, let them look around a bit and decide if they want to be spotlighted and then comment on my most recent post with your e-mail address and I will send you my contact info and we can go from there. I just came across an old friend who is in the process of adopting and I am so excited for her family. Be sure to read my next post because I am going to spotlight this beautiful woman and her gorgeous and talented family. Thank you all for your loyal support.
Sincerely,
Other Mother
I would like to start doing spotlights for hopeful families wanting to adopt. I don't believe I have a huge presence in the world of adoptive families, but anyone who reads this blog, if you know of anyone who is in the process of adoption who wants to get their blogs and information out there; send them to my blog, let them look around a bit and decide if they want to be spotlighted and then comment on my most recent post with your e-mail address and I will send you my contact info and we can go from there. I just came across an old friend who is in the process of adopting and I am so excited for her family. Be sure to read my next post because I am going to spotlight this beautiful woman and her gorgeous and talented family. Thank you all for your loyal support.
Sincerely,
Other Mother
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Open Adoption Roundtable #34
http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/
Production, Not Reproduction is an awesome blog all about the world of adoption (the link to this blog is above). The blog owner issues certain prompts for anyone who is involved in the world of adoption to answer. She just issued a prompt, which is below in pink:
It is likely that we've all had that experience at some time: someone asking us to speak to the choices or feelings of others in our adoption constellation. Perhaps it is someone asking a first parent how their child feels about being in an open adoption. Or someone asking an adoptee why their adoptive parents chose to adopt. You get the idea.
How do you handle such questions when they are asked of you? How would you want the other parties in your open adoption to handle those questions when they are about you?
I've been asked before, how my child will feel about the fact that I placed him for an open adoption. I thought this was an interesting question. The way the person asked it was with a tone of incredulousness... like I hadn't thought endlessly about this very question over the entire course of my pregnancy leading up to placement, and then endlessly after placement.
I thanked this person for their question and let them know that I love talking about open adoption, and I encouraged them to ask all the questions they want to ask me. I then asked this person what they thought open adoption meant. You'd be surprised how many weird answers I've gotten back. This person told me, "Open Adoption is when the biological mother and adoptive parents co-parent the child... kind of like a divorce, but it's a divorce between the birth mother and the child." I will let you know that I took great care not to laugh at this person... and then I knew exactly what I was dealing with; someone who was sorely misinformed.
I kindly let this person know that their understanding of open adoption was not correct and then I let them know what open adoption actually means. I let them know that open adoption is "open" in the sense that there is communication between the birth mother and the adoptive parents that regards the child in common. This communication can involve anything from weekly updates, to pictures received on a monthly basis; and all the arrangements and expectations regarding the "openness" of the adoption are all communicated and arranged before the placement occurs. I let them know that the level of openness depends entirely on the people involved and that it is a case by case scenario. I let them know that open adoption is not co-parenting; that once the birth mother signs over her rights, that the adoption is considered final after a period of, no less than 24 hours after the papers are signed. I let them know that different states have different laws regarding the finalization of the adoption, and so I'm only speaking from the understanding of the state of Utah's laws. I let them know that my son's adoptive parents are amazing people who send me pictures and major developmental updates regarding our son. I let this person know that I fully and completely recognize my son's parents as his parent's and all that comes along with that term. I let this person know that Adoption, regardless of how open it is or is not, is nothing like Divorce and that I know this because I am a birth mother and I've been through the process, but also that I see divorce every single day in my job... and the two are completely different.
I also told this person that I doubt my child thinks about it at all, seeming as he was only 1 years old at the time I was asked this question. I continued by letting this person know that my child's adoptive parents were wonderful people and that they will let him know from the get-go that he is adopted, and they will discuss it openly in their household because adoption is nothing to be ashamed of. I told this person that my child will know- through his parents- how incredibly loved he is by more people than he'll possibly ever know, and some of whom he can meet one day if he decided he wants to meet them, and that he is lucky to have 2 mommies and 5 sets of grandparents, all whom recognize the beauty of his life and his presence in their lives. I let this person know that I believe that my child will connect deeply with his parents because he will know how completely he was wanted by them and how deeply his parents longed for him for so long, but that he was to come to them through a different woman because they couldn't get him "here" on their own; they chose him... I chose them, and they accepted him, therefore "choosing" him. I think that's pretty special and I have no fears in my mind whatsoever that he won't develop and grow into an amazing, compassionate, respectful, passionate, and loving man one day; a man who is aware of how important he is in the lives of those who are blessed to know him.
I had quite an extensive conversation with this person, and they had a lot of questions for me and I appreciated their questions and they appreciated my answers. I love talking about Open Adoption and what it is and what it definitely is not. What I've found is that people out there don't have a lot of knowledge about this topic. For how "in the headlines" adoption and open adoption are becoming, people are oftentimes left to their own devices to define what these two things mean to them. I find that majority of my conversations about open adoption are more based in educating a person about the world of adoption. I don't take offense to people's inaccuracies because I see it as an opportunity to show excitement about the beauty of open adoption. I've found that people will mirror your emotions in regards to this topic. If you act closed off and defensive when you talk about open adoption, then the person you are talking to won't want to know more and they won't want to ask more questions, as serious education is needed on this topic. But, if you are excited about telling your story, even if it's still hard to talk about... and you let that person see how close to your heart your story is... that's infectious; they'll feel it to and they will share in that moment with you and it is profound for them. I've found that the more excited I am about explaining open adoption and the more I share my story with people and let them participate in my emotions of it... they ask more and more questions and connection is made. They'll remember that when they find themselves, again, faced with a birth mother, or a friend who is trying to adopt.
Production, Not Reproduction is an awesome blog all about the world of adoption (the link to this blog is above). The blog owner issues certain prompts for anyone who is involved in the world of adoption to answer. She just issued a prompt, which is below in pink:
It is likely that we've all had that experience at some time: someone asking us to speak to the choices or feelings of others in our adoption constellation. Perhaps it is someone asking a first parent how their child feels about being in an open adoption. Or someone asking an adoptee why their adoptive parents chose to adopt. You get the idea.
How do you handle such questions when they are asked of you? How would you want the other parties in your open adoption to handle those questions when they are about you?
I've been asked before, how my child will feel about the fact that I placed him for an open adoption. I thought this was an interesting question. The way the person asked it was with a tone of incredulousness... like I hadn't thought endlessly about this very question over the entire course of my pregnancy leading up to placement, and then endlessly after placement.
I thanked this person for their question and let them know that I love talking about open adoption, and I encouraged them to ask all the questions they want to ask me. I then asked this person what they thought open adoption meant. You'd be surprised how many weird answers I've gotten back. This person told me, "Open Adoption is when the biological mother and adoptive parents co-parent the child... kind of like a divorce, but it's a divorce between the birth mother and the child." I will let you know that I took great care not to laugh at this person... and then I knew exactly what I was dealing with; someone who was sorely misinformed.
I kindly let this person know that their understanding of open adoption was not correct and then I let them know what open adoption actually means. I let them know that open adoption is "open" in the sense that there is communication between the birth mother and the adoptive parents that regards the child in common. This communication can involve anything from weekly updates, to pictures received on a monthly basis; and all the arrangements and expectations regarding the "openness" of the adoption are all communicated and arranged before the placement occurs. I let them know that the level of openness depends entirely on the people involved and that it is a case by case scenario. I let them know that open adoption is not co-parenting; that once the birth mother signs over her rights, that the adoption is considered final after a period of, no less than 24 hours after the papers are signed. I let them know that different states have different laws regarding the finalization of the adoption, and so I'm only speaking from the understanding of the state of Utah's laws. I let them know that my son's adoptive parents are amazing people who send me pictures and major developmental updates regarding our son. I let this person know that I fully and completely recognize my son's parents as his parent's and all that comes along with that term. I let this person know that Adoption, regardless of how open it is or is not, is nothing like Divorce and that I know this because I am a birth mother and I've been through the process, but also that I see divorce every single day in my job... and the two are completely different.
I also told this person that I doubt my child thinks about it at all, seeming as he was only 1 years old at the time I was asked this question. I continued by letting this person know that my child's adoptive parents were wonderful people and that they will let him know from the get-go that he is adopted, and they will discuss it openly in their household because adoption is nothing to be ashamed of. I told this person that my child will know- through his parents- how incredibly loved he is by more people than he'll possibly ever know, and some of whom he can meet one day if he decided he wants to meet them, and that he is lucky to have 2 mommies and 5 sets of grandparents, all whom recognize the beauty of his life and his presence in their lives. I let this person know that I believe that my child will connect deeply with his parents because he will know how completely he was wanted by them and how deeply his parents longed for him for so long, but that he was to come to them through a different woman because they couldn't get him "here" on their own; they chose him... I chose them, and they accepted him, therefore "choosing" him. I think that's pretty special and I have no fears in my mind whatsoever that he won't develop and grow into an amazing, compassionate, respectful, passionate, and loving man one day; a man who is aware of how important he is in the lives of those who are blessed to know him.
I had quite an extensive conversation with this person, and they had a lot of questions for me and I appreciated their questions and they appreciated my answers. I love talking about Open Adoption and what it is and what it definitely is not. What I've found is that people out there don't have a lot of knowledge about this topic. For how "in the headlines" adoption and open adoption are becoming, people are oftentimes left to their own devices to define what these two things mean to them. I find that majority of my conversations about open adoption are more based in educating a person about the world of adoption. I don't take offense to people's inaccuracies because I see it as an opportunity to show excitement about the beauty of open adoption. I've found that people will mirror your emotions in regards to this topic. If you act closed off and defensive when you talk about open adoption, then the person you are talking to won't want to know more and they won't want to ask more questions, as serious education is needed on this topic. But, if you are excited about telling your story, even if it's still hard to talk about... and you let that person see how close to your heart your story is... that's infectious; they'll feel it to and they will share in that moment with you and it is profound for them. I've found that the more excited I am about explaining open adoption and the more I share my story with people and let them participate in my emotions of it... they ask more and more questions and connection is made. They'll remember that when they find themselves, again, faced with a birth mother, or a friend who is trying to adopt.
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