Summary of My Gratitudes for 5.19.2011 to 5.26.2011

I am Grateful for:

-The song "A Day Without Rain" by Enya: I am grateful for this song because it reminds me of a time when I felt the most secure and safe.

-My friends: I am grateful for my friends (they know who they are) because of their patience and kindness and because of no matter how frustrating I can be, they still love me.

-Leaving work early: Always a nice thing to get to do.

-A night of peaceful sleep: I am grateful for that moment when you are semi-conscious and completely aware of how comfortable you are and that you get to continue being that comfortable for a while longer.

-My dad: He fixed my car and bought the parts. He has saved me thousands of dollars over the years because of his help and I am grateful for him.

-My brother: He helped my dad to fix my car. He is so easy to talk to and he gives the best hugs. I gave him a hug goodbye and when I pulled away to go home, he pulled me in closer and hugged me longer and I really needed that. I'm grateful for his love.

-A moment of tranquility: I was swimming in my apartment's pool that is outdoors and I stared up at the mountains that still have snow on them and it was odd to me to be outdoors swimming when there is still snow in the mountains. But, the longer I stared at the mountains, it was like all the tension literally washed from my body and it was a wonderful moment. I'm grateful for that moment and for my ability to recognize it for what it was.

-The sun: The sun shone bright one day and it was so warm on my skin and nurturing. It felt nurturing and it made me happy and hopeful. I focused on all those things as I walked around outside and I want to always remember that moment because it was... a soft moment, if that makes sense. I felt like I was walking in softness and it was beautiful. This is another moment I'm grateful I was able to recognize.

-Swimming lessons: My dear friend Beauty taught me how to swim better because I was pretty much only capable of the doggy paddle and I had loads of fun.I have much more fun when I swim now because I actually swim rather than just wade.

-The rain: I've complained a lot about the rain lately, but as I checked my mail one evening I got a whiff of rain mixed with dirt and the sidewalk and flowers from somewhere. I love the combination of those smells. If only that smell could be captured in perfume. I love the way the rain surrounds you and revitalizes your spirit. I am grateful for the rain for as long as it should last because I know I'll miss it when it's gone.

-Therapy sessions: I am learning so much and I'm grateful for this. I am learning how to better react to difficult situations and it has already made all the difference in the world just since this last Tuesday. I am learning I impact those I love most depending on my reactions to them. And I'm learning alternatives to some of the negative ways that I react. I don't need to control every situation and the people in it, I just need to control how I respond and there is power and peace and joy in the control of my emotions. I'm grateful to learn this.

-Birth Mothers Group: I am grateful that I felt confident to share what I've learned with the girl in group who is currently pregnant. I felt a shift of... "emotional atmosphere", if you will, from when all the other birth mom's were bombarding this girl with their opinions to when I leaned across the table towards her and calmly asked her what her biggest fear was. That was the first time anyone listened to her and I felt this quieting moment as she gathered her thoughts to answer. And every time one of the other girls would cut her off, I would bring the dialogue back to her. I felt protective of her. I wanted her to feel like she had a voice in all of this; she needs to orate her story and she needs to figure out what her voice in all of this is and I wanted her to express it, I didn't want it to be told to her. I can't explain the shift of emotion, but I felt it and I am grateful because I was able to experience where I've come from, where I currently am, and where I want to be one day all within the same moment and it was beautiful. I'm grateful for that.

-Staying late at work (on occasion): Since I've started going back to therapy and attending group, I haven't been making my 40 hours per week. One night, we all stayed late at work because we had to finish a Procedural History to file with the court by the next morning and it was kind of fun to chill out with my boss and co-worker as we drafted and re-drafted the document. I'm grateful for this moment because I haven't always seen the niceties about my job. I've complained a lot about it and so I'm grateful that I am learning to notice the good moments when they come and they come a lot more often than I've previously realized. I'm grateful for staying late at work tonight because it will get me closer to my 40 hours this week.

Focusing on the things that I am grateful for and actively looking back on each day's activities and recognizing that there is much to be grateful for each day has helped me so much this last week. I am excited to see what I learn from the next week to come.

An Exercise in Gratitude

I started attending therapy this last week. On top of attending therapy I have also returned to the birth mother's group offered through the agency whom I placed through. It's made quite a bit of difference already. I stopped attending the groups because things with work got extremely busy but then things got to a place where I could have continued attending had I chosen to, but I didn't want to. I wanted to believe I was to a place where I had coped and dealt with everything and I was the epitome of "alright". Anyway, I have now attended to birth mother's groups and the first week I went back resulted in a flood of emotion during group. I didn't realize how much pent-up grief I had inside me. I was a mess. But, when I drove home that night I felt so much... so much more intact than I have for a long time now. Nothing changed. My sorrow was still there and I was more aware of it than in a long time and the situational circumstances that were wearing on me were still there, but I was finally paying them attention and that's what the difference was. I was recognizing what was going on. I wasn't trying to push it away, or looking for some way to mask it, I was aware of it and that recognition brought with it that feeling you get when you exhale a long exhale after a long day of difficulty because it's over, that day is over and you survived. I felt that.

At this last weeks group we talked about gratitude and how there have been studies done about people who are experiencing grief or working through trauma and during all of that, the people experiencing these hardships are more recognizing of the blessings in their life. The studies have gone on to state that, in some cases, these people recognizing the blessings and what they are grateful for benefit more from that alone than actual therapy. More studies have been conducted that have proven that people who attend therapy and don't facilitate and accept real changes in themselves will regress into the same negative patterns as early as 5 years after they attended therapy. But, the people who learn to recognize the blessings in their lives and who are grateful for those blessings benefit more long term than the ones who don't recognize the blessings. We were given a gratitude journal at group and an assignment to write down three things every day that we are grateful for that happened that day. I've decided that I am going to make this a consistent habit and that I am going to share it with all you, my dear friends.

Yesterday I was grateful that the morning divorce mediation I had to assist with ended early. I wasn't feeling ready to listen to people argue for hours on end and I didn't want to do it, but it ended after an hour and was rescheduled. That was a blessing and I am grateful for it. I was then able to make a lot of progress in my other cases.

I am grateful for understanding friends. I only have my perception of events and I was not aware that I had hurt a dear friend of mine the day before. It was brought to my attention and I felt bad, but my friends are patient and understanding and I am grateful for that. The hurt has been healed and I understand myself better and how I can come across and that is valuable knowledge to have and I have my dear friends to thank for helping me understand this. I am grateful to them.

I am grateful for Murdock my lily plant. I know that sounds silly, but he is beautiful and you look at him and he is so happy. It's been a long couple of weeks and the weather has been drizzly and depressing. I love the rain, but not when it is constant. Rather, I love the thunderstorms that hit out of nowhere and last for a bit and then go away and leave the world refreshed and then the sun comes out and it's beautiful. The rain we have had in Utah has been constant and the sun... not completely present. I came home from work yesterday and Murdock was on the table outside and he has new blossoms and he was bright against the contrast of the sky. I looked at him and my heart was happy and I smiled. I'm grateful for my lily, Murdock. I will post a picture of him. I think you'll agree that he is fantastic.

I won't post these gratitude posts every day. Instead, I will collect them throughout the week and post the highlights on a weekly basis. I can tell you today that I am already starting to recognize quicker the moments that lead to my gratitude. It's a good feeling, being grateful.

Deleted Comments

I was noticing today that some of the comments from my last post are now gone. To those of you who commented and it's now no longer there, I don't know what happened. I know that blogger was having a maintenance the other night and now the comments are gone. Please know that I did not delete your comments. I value everyone's input and I want you all to know how grateful I am for your support. It means more than you will ever know. God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Other Mother

An Awakening

It's been a really hard couple of weeks. I'm not going to go into details leading up to my awakening, but I have learned something about myself that is... frightening to recognize. It makes so much sense though and while it's difficult to realize... I feel relief. I was in therapy after I placed my son for adoption and therapy was going relatively well. I felt like I bonded well with my therapist and like I was making progress through the aftermath that comes from placing your child for adoption. Before I knew it, life became really busy and work became... completely encompassing of every aspect of my life... and therapy went on the wayside.

I think I always knew that I needed to go back, but I couldn't find the time... but even saying that isn't completely true. At one point, I couldn't find the time, but then after a while... I had time, I just didn't prioritize it anymore. I wanted to believe that everything was fine and I was the epitome of grace under fire. Well, lately my life has felt like it's been spinning out of control and I spent majority of today crying in a bathroom stall at work. I met my mother for lunch and... I wasn't myself and she caught on to the lack of me and I... spoke honestly with her. Some things came out that I had been hiding from her because I wanted her to think that everything was alright... and she started to cry. I made my mother cry. She told me, "Your dad asked me the other day how you are doing and I responded, 'I think she's lost. I think she is looking for something but she doesn't know where to find it.'"

My heart... and my soul deflated when I heard her say that to me. It's defeating to learn that the facade you've put up for the longest time was never believable in the first place. That's when I admitted to my mother that I need help. I feel like I am spinning out of control and I need help. One of the last things that I learned while in therapy was that I suffer from abandonment issues. In fact, I've been researching it lately and I think that that diagnosis could be the root of everything else... my anxiety, my separation issues, and even my inability to concentrate when stressed and scared... and I'm scared a lot.

I went to birth mothers group tonight for the first time in over a year and... I sat away from everyone else. The caseworkers facilitating the group recognized me from before and they kept calling on me to give my perspective and experience and it was hard and I didn't want to share my story, but I did and it was honest. It was honest. And it left me feeling... at rock bottom but completely at peace. I might regret this post tomorrow morning. You may think that the things that I've written before were completely raw and honest, but this is as honest as it gets.

I need therapy and I'm going to get it. I need to address some serious issues if I can ever hope to have a healthy relationship. So, this is that start of something knew and now that we've got that awkwardness out of the way, allow me to make it more awkward by introducing who I really am and what unresolved abandonment is to me.

My nickname is Kiki and I am 26 years old. I placed my son for adoption a year and a half ago and I suffer from unresolved abandonment issues. Every second of every day I am insecure in myself. I self medicate these insecurities mostly by eating. I am self-defeating because I don't believe in myself to succeed; I constantly self-sabotage myself. I have minimal self esteem and my self worth is contingent on whether or not I feel loved... and I don't think I'm deserving of love, so essentially I see myself as having no value whatsoever. I have a hard time connecting with other people. I can keep them at a distance while giving them just enough information to think that they know who I am... and I don't even know who that is anymore. I ruin healthy relationships because I think that the one I am with is better off without me because, in my mind, I'm worthless. I am in a constant state of depression with the occasional moment of peace and humor... but I never trust those moments to last because... they usually don't because I do something to sabotage the good.

I'm sorry if this has made you uncomfortable, but... it feels good for me to talk about it. I am relieved to speak about this. For the longest time I've felt the need to pretend that all is swell and... it's not. And that's okay. I'm aware of the core issue now and I'm going to get help for it. I'm going to talk about it on here. Mental health issues, in our culture, are usually attached to some pretty heavy stigma and the only way to change that is to talk about it and I'm going to talk about it. I'm going to talk about it here, publicly. I hope you stay with me. I think we can all learn a lot.

Lots of Thinking Going on Today... and Lately... In General

This song has nothing to do with Mothers Day except for the fact that if I could put all my feelings and emotions over the last little while of my life into one piece of text, then the lyrics to this song would be what I would say.

I wish I could fix all the wrong that I've done to myself and to others. Sometimes it's easier to pretend like everything is fine and you can go along in that way for a while, but it gets exhausting. And when it becomes exhausting, that's when it's easier to run away. But, running away doesn't solve anything. I know this for a fact.

You'll make strides and then something will happen and hiccup the progress and it may not seem fair and it might involve more hearts than just your own. You might have brought on the pain all on your own or it might have involved other people. Upsets will come and how you weather the storm is the telling factor of what will come of it. You may choose to ignore it or you could face it head on. Experience has taught me that the outcome is better if you face it head on rather than pretending that everything is fine. In fact, if you face it head on, you'll get through it; rather than pushing it back to another time to resolve.

I feel beaten down and exhausted. I want to run away, but I stay. I want to hide, but I also want to live. I want to give up, but my determination won't allow for it. Life can't always be fixed. And that's part of living. One decision can alter the rest of your life and all the best intentions in the world might not fix the mess that's been made... and that's still not a good enough reason to give up. The beautiful thing about life is you can mess up all you want, but you still have the rest of your life to make it right and the lessons that come along the way make it all worthwhile because you become a better person for having experienced all of it.

Today is Mother's Day and... it's a ridiculous day created by corporations to market chocolates and flowers... it means nothing. I am a mother but no one knows that. I love my son and I gave him the best I could and that was a life with opportunity. Do I wish I could have kept him? Every second of every day I wish that I could have kept him. Did creating him alter my entire life? Completely, but I am thankful for the difference. He's made me better. Are there days when I want to give up and run away? All the time.

This song has nothing to do with Mother's Day... but, it sums up all that I want to say right now.

[Insert Clever Title Here]

The main reason I started writing this blog was to talk about Open Adoption and offer my perspective on it as a birth mother. From this I have learned more about myself and who I was and I have a really good idea about who it is I want to become. What I've noticed along the way is that it is so much easier to look back to another time and see who you were and then look forward to recognize the type of person you want to become; but the current "who am I right now?" is the hard question to ask because you are stuck in the "now". I don't know if I've talked about this before or given this specific example but there is this little story that narrates better what I'm trying to say... to a degree. It goes something like this:

Imagine you are a carrot and you are going along in life as you know it, minding your own business and going with the flow when all of a sudden your world and all that you know is interrupted and you find yourself spinning out of control and you start colliding with potatos and pieces of chicken and celery. With each collision you feel more and more pain but you can't figure out where it is you are and where you're going, but all you want to do is to get back to where you were because you weren't spinning out of control then. You go on in this fashion for quite some time and just when you think that all is lost, or you will never find yourself again, you are out of the muck and you are looking down on the confusion and chaos. You look around yourself and take in your surroundings and you wipe the muck away from your eyes and you look down at where you came from and it all makes sense finally. You understand that you are part of stew.

I know that sounds so silly. And I don't mean to make light of the gravity of what I will be attempting to say from here on out. Here's the point, we are all part of stew. Life is stew and we are part of it and every now and then our lives will be interrupted by a big "stir". For the most part we won't see the "stir" coming until we are swept away in it. That's when life is chaotic and hard because you feel like you are out of control... like you have no control over your own life anymore. You collide with people that leave you hurting, you collide with experience that leaves you feeling damaged and incomplete, you lose every sense of security you used to have and realize that you took that security for granted and you want desperately to get back to the place that felt safe. And then, before you know it, you aren't spinning anymore and things are calm and quiet. You are still a little dizzy from the "stir" but it's easier to find solid ground and you can see and what you see is where you came from was no where you'd like to be again and the bigger picture is more obvious. It's in that moment that you understand where you want to go and you know a little better who you are, but even that is confusing because you are a different person from who you once were.

I'm in that place right now. My eyes are open and I can see. It's so interesting because I had this idea at the beginning of this year that I would live my life "red"... or fearless. Well folks, that's proving more uncomfortable than I ever thought it would be. And that's okay. This is what I've learned so far this year:
1- Fear is always there. The point is to break through the fear that is holding me back.
2- It's not healthy/good to base all your dreams and goals into one "thing" because if you do and that's your only focus then you will miss all the important lessons that come with the experience of living.

I've been working towards a major goal and I pushed all other goals out of the way to make it to this one goal and I am so near completion that it's liberating, but during this process my life was "stirred" unexpectedly and the original goal has somewhat changed or been postponed... or is unattainable at this point. And now I'm understanding that outside of that one goal, I didn't have anything else to work towards, so now I'm left wondering "what now?" And that's the point. "What now?"

One thing I've noticed during the process of this blog is that I learn things about myself I never set out to learn and they are invaluable. With the support of some very dear friends I am learning how to be happy in myself rather than placing my happiness in things that are "to come"... what does that mean? "To come" is not a subjective time frame... it's a horizon. That "to come" may never come and depending on how invested I am in the stuff of life, I might not recognize the "to come" should it actually come.

I need to find happiness in my self and I need to find security in myself before I can ever be a security for anyone else. I'm glad I see this now because it could have lead to some very disastrous and unnecessary hardship. That's not to say that life won't stir up more difficulty, but I feel better equipped now to face it when it comes. I'm learning who I am and I'm learning to love her and appreciate and respect her. I'm learning that she's a bit quirky, but she's full of compassion and has so much love to give even if sometimes it doesn't seem that way.

My goal is to get back into school. My goal is to focus on my hobbies and develop my talents. My goal is to speak kindly to myself and not put myself down. I really want to eliminate the word "can't" from my vocabulary... that one may take a little more time to accomplish and if I don't accomplish it, then I would at least like to retrain my thoughts to not automatically turn down something I would have never thought to try in the first place because, maybe when I try, I'll like it after all. How do you know you aren't able to do something or that you won't like it if you don't at least give it your best attempt at least once. This is the direction this blog is going to take. I know who I was, now is the time to focus on who I currently am and that will naturally lead into the person I want to become... and she's pretty stellar because she's who I am now and ever was; the only difference is she knows it.

Let It Be

Last night I was informed that Osama Bin Laden is dead and I was listening to the song above as I found out and I haven't been able to stop listening to this song since. I don't own a television so I don't have instant news. All the news I get, I get after the fact when I read it in online articles. This is so surreal to me. I remember where I was when 9/11 happened. I was late for school. It was my senior year and I had overslept. I was sitting in the bathroom putting on my makeup. I overheard my sister and my parents exclaiming shock and dismay about something that was on the news; I just figured it was political mud-throwing. Not too long after that I heard more exclamations and shock and I went into my parents room to see what was so alarming on the news. That's when I saw the feed of the second plane crashing into the second World Trade Center tower. I couldn't believe my eyes, it was so bizarre to see a plane fly into a building. My parents informed me that two planes collided into these buildings and that there was speculation that it could be terrorist activity.

I walked back into the bathroom and absent mindedly brushed through my hair as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I kept thinking to myself, "What if it is a terrorist attack?" And then I would quickly console myself by brushing away the idea as absurd. But, the reflection in the mirror that stared back at me was that of a frightened teenager. I woke up that morning feeling like a woman and on top of the world and... dare I say it? Like a mature adult. The girl staring back at me in the mirror was a frightened child. My mother hugged me and kissed my cheek as she ushered me out the door to school. I remember her hug was lingering and when she kissed my cheek, her thumb lingered on my cheek bone as she stared into my eyes. I told her I was scared and she told me, "It will all be alright. I'll see you when you get home sweetheart." And then she hugged me once more and I left for school.

As I drove to school, my eyes were not on the road, rather they were on the sky watching for any rogue airplanes that might drop at any second. I know that sounds absurd. Why would Al Qaeda spend it's time focusing on the small town I grew up in... a town whose biggest threat are the boys that tip over the farmer's cows at night... silly pranks. But I was convinced that a plane would fall from the sky and that it would land on my town. When I got to school I walked through the empty halls and heard the televisions blaring in every room, all on the same news station. There was silence, no obnoxious students giving their teachers hell... no roudy rooms where a teacher is trying in vain to regain control of their clas... the only sound was that of the same news anchor reporting the events that changed the world within the last 5 hours.

When I was a nanny in New York, the people I worked for told me first hand their experience on 9/11. They had lost loved ones and dear friend in the attack on the World Trade Centers. They knew of children who had been fostered out because both their parents were in those buildings. The father of the children I nannied cried as he spoke of being trapped in a city that was being attacked and not being able to get home to his family for 18 hours because all the roads were closed and pandemonium ensued wherever you went. He was only blocks away from where the towers fell and he lost a cousin who was in the building. When he tried to leave the city, all the bridges were closed off and people were running helter skelter in every direction. Las officials didn't know who to protect and where the threat was coming from. No one trusted anyone, yet everyone helped complete strangers to get to safety.

The only reason I relive all of this is because... it's come to a close. I remember my grandmother relating to me the events of Pearl Harbor. She told me that every generation would experience a moment in their life where the world as they've come to know it will change drastically because of war. She told me, "You will remember everything about the moment when you heard the news that war has been declared." War was declared and one man was on everyone's hit-list because of the hate that he spread and for nearly 10 years the entire world's focus has been on attaining this man. And now he's dead. So, where does that leave us? Can we finally move on? Can healing take place in the lives of those children who lost both parents for reasons they don't yet understand? Will the politicians finally stop pointing fingers for political gain? What have we learned from any of this? I don't know the point of this post. All I know is that the man that held all the answers is dead... what is the goal now? Hopefully it's peace, but is peace really possible? I guess we'll find out with the next generation.