Apologies

I realize, as of late, that my posts have been alarming to some. Please forgive me for this. I'm beginning to feel that I shouldn't post anything when I am feeling an emotion at it's fullest. What can I say? I'm just trying to figure everything out. I started a new poem... kind of. Actually, it's just a bunch of words at this point... literally, it is a list of words that have been pooping into my head at random, but in this list of words I believe there is a story that needs to be told and so I am collecting the story in bits and pieces in order to unravel the events it would like to have shared. It's been a real long time since I've written anything and so I feel extremely rusty at the process. Poems used to pour out of me like exhaled air and I believe this was because what I felt and wanted to say was so close to the surface and singular in it's message that it literally just poured out of me. The feelings that I feel right now, though they are not just below the surface rather they are the surface, are so complicated that I can't make sense of them and so they come to me in bits and pieces that need to be strung together. The poem that I wrote just a couple of posts back is not in it's finished form, but I'm not focusing on it because it's still too emotional and so I will let it sit for a while until I am at a place where I can approach it with a new sense of vision. This all sounds so hokey and hog-washed, but writing is my outlet, it keeps me sane and I haven't been able to write for so long because I lost my voice- my inner voice- it's confusing. This is just an update and an apology for all those that I might have frightened by my previous posts.

On a lighter note. I was talking with a dear friend of mine, we will call him Philosopher of Physics (he can't decide what he wants to get his degree in- Physics or Philosophy- and he is very close to graduating in either one), though he is now thinking of becoming a Psychologist. But, for the sake of avoiding confusion, we will call him Philosopher of Physics, lest you think when I talk about Psychologist, that I am referring to a real Psychologist. Anyway, I was talking with Philosopher of Physics and just venting a lot of my frustrations to him about all that I am feeling and telling him that I feel real lost right now and he was very patient in listening to me grumble. He asked me something that is so simple, yet something I haven't thought about in a very long time. He asked me, "Other Mother. What is it you want? Think back to when you were a child, what did you want to do with your life? Outside of having a family, what did you want to accomplish? Outside of graduating from University, which you eventually will accomplish, what did you want to do?" I told, "I don't know, Philosopher of Physics. I don't remember." I've been thinking a lot on that conversation this last week. I've been so focused on getting back into school and still not quite sure what I want to get my degree in that I haven't focused on anything else. Needless to say, I have a better idea now of what I want to pursue accademically, but still nervous about it. But, I haven't thought about my childhood dreams in so long. So, I've spent a lot of time thinking about it this past week and I remembered something.

I lived in Missouri for 3 years of my childhood and I remember going roller skating for a friends birthday and I remember getting to the rink early and not being allowed to skate until the previous group was done. The previous group were some older girls and they were skating really aggressively against one another and ramming into each other and I remember it scared me, but then when they were done skating they were chumming it up like the greatest of friends. I asked my friend's mother what was wrong with the girls and she laughed at me and said, "Nothing. They are trying out for a Roller-Derby team." I had no clue what Roller-Derby was and so I asked more about it and she explained it to me. Once I understood it, I thought it was the greatest thing to hit the World since peanut butter and jam sandwiches. I wanted to be a Roller-Derby girl. It was that simple. I was inspired by those girl's strength. I thought it was amazing that they played as ruthlessly as boys did. Growing up, I always picked a fight with my mom when she wouldn't allow me the same courtesy to do things my brothers did. I never wanted to be told I couldn't do something because it was too dangerous. I wanted to be fearless. And, I still do. If someone tells me that I'm incapable of doing something, I do it to prove them wrong and I excel at it because I want them to know that I am capable. It's silly if I think long and hard about it, but I want to be a Roller-Derby girl. I did some research on the internet last night, and it turns out that Utah has a Roller-Derby league. They already had the try-outs for this year's teams and the teams are assembled, but I am going to start training so that I can try out for next year's team. Which means, I need to buy me some skates because, yeah, it's been at least 10 years since I've been on skates. But, I have a goal. I'm going to be a Roller-Derby girl this time next year. And, I am so excited about it! I know they seem rough on the surface and intimidating, but the league here in Utah does a lot of money-raising fundraiser events for local non-for-profit groups in the area, so they are hard-core for good reasons. The idea of trying out for a team makes me feel giddy inside like a child again and that excited me.