Blogger Interview Project

The last couple of weeks I have participated in a Blogger Interview Project discussing all facets of the adoption process. I was lucky enough to be paired with a couple who is currently in the process of adopting a child. Below are the following questions that I asked KT and her answers. What a wonderful experience for me to gain more insight into the world of adoption from learning the perspective of the adoption parent(s) throughout this process. Please read and enjoy the interview. I hope you come away from this blog entry with a better understanding of the adoption world, as well as a deeper interest in learning more about it for yourself. If you are interested in learning more about this couple, you can visit their blog (http://gatesplace.blogspot.com/). Thank you and enjoy.

The Adoption agency that you are working with, is it only for the State of Illinois , or are there sister agencies elsewhere in the United States ? What made you decide to go with this specific agency?

The adoption agency we work with is a non-for-profit who is licensed only in IL. If an out-of-state situation comes up, they would then partner with another agency/lawyer in the other state to complete the process. In terms of their marketing, they are only focused in Illinois .

The main reason we used this agency is because they provided us with a very strong base of counseling and education. If they were doing this for us, we felt that they would be doing it for the birthparents as well. They have a 24-hour medically staffed nursery on site; this is beneficial for it gives all birthparents the time they need to make the proper decisions…nothing is rushed.

More recently, we have explored the possibility of working with larger networking that crosses state lines. Unfortunately, this all comes with money and we are trying to weigh the risk with the reward. Another question that continues to pop up is, in an out-of-state situation, is the birthparent receiving counseling (before and after placement)?

You talked in your blog about how possible placement opportunities have been presented to you and your husband, but that they didn't feel right so you both decided to not pursue them; that must have been frustrating for you both. What goes through your mind when this happens? I know this is a very broad, open-ended question, and it is completely open to your interpretation. There is no wrong answer here.

This has been the most difficult part of the process; it hits me harder than it hits Rob.

There are two types of scenarios at our agency:a) Birthparent looks through the book of short profiles; the birthparents select a handful of families in which they would like to see the long profiles. We have had several of these and have always felt “good” about them…a positive “connection” had been made and we had our long profile shown. In all of these cases so far, the birthparents either choose another family or decided to parent themselves.

b) The agency asks a handful of families if they would like their long profiles shown. This typically happens because the cases are more “complex” and they know not all families would feel comfortable (i.e. drug use). This is where we have had problems recently. When the agency identifies you, there isn’t always an obvious “connection”; you might hear the situation and think, gosh, I am a polar opposite to this birthparent. It just doesn’t always feel “right”. It is just so much easier when the birthparents ask for you…that “connection” is there. And then in some cases, to have to make this decision in 24 hours or less…ahghg!

How does one make a lifelong decision with doubt in their heart? Well for us, the answer is, we don’t. We are not saying “no” to a birthparent (they don’t even know about us), we are just saying “no”, we don’t want to pursue the situation. Regardless, this is so very difficult to do!

Since we have had situations where we have been 100% and excited, we are finding it difficult to look at these “special” situations and not feel the same way. Is it fair to anyone to put your profile in if you have doubts? No, we don’t think so. Will this change for us over time? I don’t know. What I do know is that it emotionally takes its toll; saying no to any situation makes you feel selfish.

There was an incident that occurred between you and a co-worker that was very offensive in how she discussed adoption. If you could say anything to her right now, with no fear of rebuke, rather your words resound with complete clarity in your brain, what would it be? What was your thought process when she said what she said? What would be the one thing you would want anyone who isn't familiar with the world of adoption to understand about adoption and it's process?

We have been taught that there are three general ways to deal with comments: 1) avoidance, 2) humor, 3) education. I suppose I generally take the #1 route; Rob almost always will take the #2 route. Looking back on this situation, I think I would have taken the #3 route: “Did you marry your husband? Are you biologically related? Do you love him?”. I might throw something in the end such as, “…you would never be welcome in the adoption community!”.

So often it just depends on my mood and what is going on that day; we have heard so many comments.

Are you still wanting to try out for the Amazing Race?

Oh yes! This is continues to be on my list of things to do. I can’t explain why we are so drawn to the show, but we just love it. Want to be my partner?

Talk to me about the concerns and fears that you have as a prospective adoption parent. It sounds like you are extremely open to an open adoption, but do you have concerns about any part of the process- pre placement, placement, post placement?

I worry about my ability to deal with placement day…and the days to follow. How can we balance the fact that this could be the best day of our lives, when we know that there is a birthparent grieving. How do you focus on baby, when you know another heart is breaking?

I worry about openness. In a few of the more “complex” situations we have seen recently, there have been some arrests present in the birthparents history. Would we be able to have an open relationship with a criminal? Would I ever feel that our child (or ourselves) are in danger? We seek an open situation, but in a situation such as this, our relationship to openness changes. It is a difficult topic that we never have had to discuss until more recently.

I worry that this isn’t going to happen. We are not looking for a “perfect” situation, but we are looking for the “right” situation. I worry that if this doesn’t happen, will people accept us for who we are and the decisions we have made? Will people think we are selfish because we have not gone into situations we are not comfortable with?

What was the status of the Guinness Book of World Records Kite-flying contest?

While they probably had the numbers last year, it was not organized enough to count if all of the kites were in the air at the same time (the record was not broken). This year, they are hiring an organizer, so maybe it will happen!

You talk in your blog about when you and your husband were creating your long profile and the concerns and worries you had over what you should say or not say. Explain this process to me. I remember filling out the birth-parent forms and all the medical history and things of that nature and being so concerned over what I should put and what I should leave out. It's interesting to hear that there are concerns on the other side, as well. Talk to me about what the process was like when creating your long profile.

The point of the profile is to show who you are through words and pictures in a relatively compact process. For us, the question became, what is relevant? I could say that we value education…I could say that we don’t have cable tv… What makes us Katie and Rob?

Do we paint a lovely picture? Or does one want to know that there has been cancer in my side of the family? We do not always share the same opinion? All of these things make us who we are.

We have struggled (and continue to struggle) if our profile is a true representation of who we are and the life we would be able to provide for a child.

I suppose until you are in the process of adoption, you don’t realize it is very difficult to put your life down on paper in such a way that will appeal to someone else!

How has your family reacted to the world of adoption? Was it difficult for you and your husband to talk to your family about your goals and hopes in this new journey of creating your family? Were there any surprising reactions that you were not expecting?

For the most part, we have had a positive response. A few of my uncles have offered us their teenage children to us…no questions asked!
We still do get the comments about pregnancy; let me tell you about the never ending “you will get pregnant after you adopt” comment… I don’t know if this is just people being people…or if they are questioning adoption. Maybe it is more difficult for family to let this go?

We have also gotten the “…you should try invitro…” comments (this was one immediate family member’s response to our adoption news). Again, I don’t know if it is people wanting that genetic connection? Or just people being people…

I think if this process has taught me that everyone is unique. Not everyone is going to be married. Not everyone is going to have children. It is every individual’s choice…so embrace it…enjoy life whatever way you desire!

Lastly, you and your husband travel extensively. Where has been your favorite destination and why?

I can’t say that there has been a specific destination that is my “favorite”; honestly, I would do any of our trips again in a heartbeat! We often talk about this in the car, and we never agree; we actual have started breaking it down to what has been our favorite “day”.

I loved the two days we spent at Yosemite Valley ( California ); the sky was blue and the weather perfect. The hikes we did were just beautiful. We will go back – I guarantee it. We often talk about doing the hike to the top of half-dome (I wonder if I will be able to handle the cables!).

Every vacation holds a unique story…every one is a treasure.