It's interesting. I am so baby hungry. Truth be told, I've been baby hungry since Baby Boy was four or five months old. Motherhood is a complicated thing... beyond that "birth-motherhood" is an even more complicated thing. As a birthmother, you take joy and pride in your creation... the most beautiful creation you've ever accomplished... but you observe from a distance. My eyes are watering right now. I can't describe in words what my heart feels. My son is beautiful and perfect, but he is no longer mine. To be honest, I'm surprised by these feelings. And, I think... I know I've mentioned it in previous posts that... when these feelings hit is anyone's guess. And these feelings are hitting me again and they've come out of nowhere.
This time isn't like the last time these feelings struck. The last time they hit, the emotion was easy to recognize because it was pure sorrow mixed with quiet reflection. This time... it's confusing. I want a baby really bad. But, not just to have a baby. I'm not taking on, or promoting, the ideology that if I had a baby my life would be perfect and no longer filled with "the stuff of life" that makes life sometimes difficult to swallow. A baby is not a fix all. I want a baby because I want to start my family. There are children that are meant to be with me and I want to get them here. Just as Baby Boy was not meant to be with me... there are children who are meant to be with me and I am so excited to meet them and be with them. It's just a matter of timing. I've never been good with my life's timing and I've learned that a lot of it is based on patience... and I'm more patient now than I used to be. But patience is still hard to digest when you know the beauty that is to come.
I am in love with an amazing man and he is in love with me and we often talk about our future family and how excited we are to meet our children. He is wonderful. This is the same Mango I've always talked about. I am a lucky girl to know his love. Together, he and I are going to create a beautiful family... but, it's going to take some time and patience to get there. We are both working on our individual stuff with a united front for a common goal. That common goal is marriage to each other and it's going to take some time and that is fine. I've got time. I don't know what the common thread of this post is. I've just been sitting in my office at work today and the only thing I can think about is my future family.
I stood at the window and let the warmth of the sun flood in upon me and it was wonderful; it was the first solid stream of sun Utah's had for weeks now and it was greatly appreciated. And as I stood there, I imagined this little girl with long hair and she is shy and her presence is like the warmth of a ray of sun... peaceful, enveloping, and quiet. And... it sounds crazy, but that little girl is mine. She's mine. I can't describe how I know this, but I do and I can't wait to meet her. It's going to take some time and that is fine. I can be patient when I know that the outcome is as beautiful as the sun. I am baby hungry, but this time I'm going to do it right.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
It's Been Like... Forever Since I Last Posted...
It's been so long since I've posted anything. A quick recap of the last couple of months. I turned 26 in February. The love of my life turned 26 the beginning of this month (I know, I'm a cougar apparently) and his beautiful pixie-of-a-daughter turned 6 a couple days later. There have been lots of birthdays. For those of you who didn't know, and why would you because it's been decades since I last posted, Mango and I are dating again. If only the simple words of that sentence could convey the immense joy that feels my heart at that statement. I love my Mango and I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have him in my life. My baby boy is thriving. He's still chunkier than ever, though now that he is moving and walking and terrorizing the house and turning it on end and keeping his mother on her toes with cleaning after him, his chunk is now leaning out. His smile is still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I can still hear his laugh in my head. I am grateful to his parents for sending me pictures and giving me updates. I love getting the texts that his mom sends me every now and then letting me know how everyone is on their end. I am a blessed woman.
I am now an official member of a roller derby league. I am a member of the Happy Valley Derby Darlins, which is a brand new league. We have had about 5 practices is all and I am having a blast with it! It's nice to be surrounded with girls that like to play as rough as the boys, it makes you feel normal. We have our first fundraiser coming up at the end of this month and I'm freaking out trying to come up with an idea as to little knicknacks I can make to sell at the fundraiser. I think I'm going to make little fridge magnets. You know the ones that are a clear marble like... thing with cute pictures underneath? Yeah, how is that for a description...? That perfectly explains how crafty I am not. Anyway, I went to this craft store and found some cute images I can use as the magnet picture, they are Steam Punk style and I love that style. It's an awesome style and one that I think will be interesting to the type of clientele that will frequent the fundraiser. Is this post thrilling for you? haha... wow, my life has slowed down greatly it feels like even though I swear I'm never home anymore.
I have started hcg again. Today is my second day on the 500 calorie diet and I must say I feel more capable this time around. Before, I felt like I obsessed over the food that I couldn't have, but now... I don't feel like I have that obsession anymore and that's a liberating thing. Then again, I am only 2 days into it, and I'm doing a 40 day cycle, so will see what song I'll be singing in 20 days. Mango is supporting me in this. In fact, he is going off of sugar... which is hard core for this man who has an addiction to pop tarts. I love him. I'm doing this with Beauty, so we are doing it together which helps, so that we can be a support to one another. My dear friend whom I have not mentioned yet in this blog... we'll call him Voodoo-Man because he knows things he shouldn't, haha, he is also supporting me and Beauty, as he is also saying goodbye to sugar for the time that we are doing this. I know amazing people. I am so lucky to have such supportive people in my life.
I don't know what road this blog is going to take. I feel like it's only natural that the blog shift to something else, which is why I haven't written in so long. For the longest time, this blog has been about my journey through open adoption and my role as a birth mother. While I will always be a birth mother, I am not going to let that role define my life... that role has blessed my life, but as all birth mothers come to understand, I would imagine, at some point that title no longer defines you the way that it has up until in no longer does. It's not a negative thing, but for however long you need it to, that is your identity because you are living it. I feel like I have entered a new place now and that's what is supposed to happen. So, I can't promise that my posts from here on out will have anything to do with Open Adoption. If you are here reading this blog simply for that fact, then I apologize to disappoint you. Thank you for being a part of that part of my life and I hope you stay tuned to see where I go next because, all in all, life is a process of steps to be taken and the scenery changes as you progress and sometimes you'll visit the places you've already been because you miss them...
I used to be afraid of where it was that I was going, but I'm not anymore and I look forward to see what comes next. That's a place that we all need to get to. So, I hope you stick around and come along for the ride because I've appreciated your presence thus far.
I am now an official member of a roller derby league. I am a member of the Happy Valley Derby Darlins, which is a brand new league. We have had about 5 practices is all and I am having a blast with it! It's nice to be surrounded with girls that like to play as rough as the boys, it makes you feel normal. We have our first fundraiser coming up at the end of this month and I'm freaking out trying to come up with an idea as to little knicknacks I can make to sell at the fundraiser. I think I'm going to make little fridge magnets. You know the ones that are a clear marble like... thing with cute pictures underneath? Yeah, how is that for a description...? That perfectly explains how crafty I am not. Anyway, I went to this craft store and found some cute images I can use as the magnet picture, they are Steam Punk style and I love that style. It's an awesome style and one that I think will be interesting to the type of clientele that will frequent the fundraiser. Is this post thrilling for you? haha... wow, my life has slowed down greatly it feels like even though I swear I'm never home anymore.
I have started hcg again. Today is my second day on the 500 calorie diet and I must say I feel more capable this time around. Before, I felt like I obsessed over the food that I couldn't have, but now... I don't feel like I have that obsession anymore and that's a liberating thing. Then again, I am only 2 days into it, and I'm doing a 40 day cycle, so will see what song I'll be singing in 20 days. Mango is supporting me in this. In fact, he is going off of sugar... which is hard core for this man who has an addiction to pop tarts. I love him. I'm doing this with Beauty, so we are doing it together which helps, so that we can be a support to one another. My dear friend whom I have not mentioned yet in this blog... we'll call him Voodoo-Man because he knows things he shouldn't, haha, he is also supporting me and Beauty, as he is also saying goodbye to sugar for the time that we are doing this. I know amazing people. I am so lucky to have such supportive people in my life.
I don't know what road this blog is going to take. I feel like it's only natural that the blog shift to something else, which is why I haven't written in so long. For the longest time, this blog has been about my journey through open adoption and my role as a birth mother. While I will always be a birth mother, I am not going to let that role define my life... that role has blessed my life, but as all birth mothers come to understand, I would imagine, at some point that title no longer defines you the way that it has up until in no longer does. It's not a negative thing, but for however long you need it to, that is your identity because you are living it. I feel like I have entered a new place now and that's what is supposed to happen. So, I can't promise that my posts from here on out will have anything to do with Open Adoption. If you are here reading this blog simply for that fact, then I apologize to disappoint you. Thank you for being a part of that part of my life and I hope you stay tuned to see where I go next because, all in all, life is a process of steps to be taken and the scenery changes as you progress and sometimes you'll visit the places you've already been because you miss them...
I used to be afraid of where it was that I was going, but I'm not anymore and I look forward to see what comes next. That's a place that we all need to get to. So, I hope you stick around and come along for the ride because I've appreciated your presence thus far.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Feeling the Need to Speak
Have you ever felt like there is something inside of you that needs to speak... but you don't know what it is you need to say? I feel that way right now. Everything is beautiful in my life right now. It's like needing to take a breath when your lungs are already full of the previous breath; you aren't going to die from lack of oxygen, but the need to breathe is still there. It's bizarre. That's the best way I can describe what I feel right now, the need to speak but not knowing what for and therefore not knowing what to say.
It's been exactly seven minutes from the moment I typed that last sentence and I don't know what to say, but something needs to be said. This is maddening and yet I'm completely calm. I think the need to speak comes from the fact that it's harder to live life Red than it is to simply say, "From here on out, I'm going to live bravely and work to conquer my fears." It's easy to say those words, but it's harder to stay in place when all you want to do is run... or casually vacate the area that is causing so much apprehension, without anyone noticing your leaving.
I went to the gym last night with my brother. He is training to participate in Tough Guy and he wants me to train with him. Ideally I would train with him to participate in the event myself, but... I have other dreams I'm focusing on right now, so I just want to work out with him because he knows his stuff and is a good trainer. I'm happy that I get to work out with him because not only is it beneficial, but it will give me the opportunity to spend more time with my brother.
Last night I did an hour of cardio, simple cardio, so that he could get a feel for where I was at physically, so we know where to start. Not even 10 minutes into the work out, I was feeling extremely anxious and not wanting to continue and desperately wanting to leave. It wasn't that I thought I was going to die because I couldn't physically follow through with the workout itself. It was that I couldn't stop concentrating and focusing on all the people around me. There were so many people... everywhere. I kept darting my gaze around the gym and I could not... I could not what? I could not concentrate on myself because I was scared of all the people surrounding me.
My brother picked up on my nerves and talked me through them before he went to work out himself. I was grateful to him. After he left it was hard to not feel anxious still, but I tried to zone out to what was surrounding me. I even continued my workout with my eyes closed, as if closing my eyes would erase all the other people surrounding me. It didn't work.
And then this girl on the treadmill next to me named Melissa started talking to me. She asked how long I'd been coming to the gym and I told her this was my first time to this particular gym. She kept talking to me. She is there to get into better shape because she and her husband want to start trying for children. I told her that I usually weight train and am not a fan of cardio. I also told her about Baby Boy. She was so intrigued that I had placed him for adoption that she started asking questions about adoption and that's when it happened, that's when I finally chilled out. It was nice to be able to focus on something familiar. I talked to her for about 15 minutes about adoption until she was done with her workout.
When she left I was much calmer and I no longer noticed the people around me. Don't get me wrong, they were still there, but I no longer cared. I finally started focusing on why it was that I was there.
I want a family. I'm ready to start my family. I've found the man with whom I am going to build my family and my future with. He is wonderful and I love him and he loves me and we are excited for our future together. He is the same wonderful Mango I've spoken of before. I focused on him and I focused on our future and I focused on what kind of mother I want to be; and that woman is fearless. I should explain my interpretation of that word. Fearlesness to me is not the absence of fear itself, rather it's the presence of fear and still choosing to live your life out loud despite being surrounded by the things that you are afraid of. Fearlesness is choosing to live life especially when in the midst of the unknown.
That's the woman I want to be. That's the woman I'm learning to become. That's the kind of mother I want to be, and the kind of wife I know I can become. But, it's not just for my future family that I want to be that woman. Mostly, it's for me. I deserve to be that woman. John Lennon spoke about love being the driving force to overcome fear. He said, "There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life."
I realized last night that I did not go through everything life has thrown at me just to end up defeated and afraid. I've survived it and now it's time to live. To live is to love and I'm loved and in love. My greatest ability is to love. I can be the woman I want to become because of my ability to love. I've got this. It's in my grasp. All I need to do is take off running with it, because only then can I fly. Are these words too brave for me? Absolutely not. I've got this.
It's been exactly seven minutes from the moment I typed that last sentence and I don't know what to say, but something needs to be said. This is maddening and yet I'm completely calm. I think the need to speak comes from the fact that it's harder to live life Red than it is to simply say, "From here on out, I'm going to live bravely and work to conquer my fears." It's easy to say those words, but it's harder to stay in place when all you want to do is run... or casually vacate the area that is causing so much apprehension, without anyone noticing your leaving.
I went to the gym last night with my brother. He is training to participate in Tough Guy and he wants me to train with him. Ideally I would train with him to participate in the event myself, but... I have other dreams I'm focusing on right now, so I just want to work out with him because he knows his stuff and is a good trainer. I'm happy that I get to work out with him because not only is it beneficial, but it will give me the opportunity to spend more time with my brother.
Last night I did an hour of cardio, simple cardio, so that he could get a feel for where I was at physically, so we know where to start. Not even 10 minutes into the work out, I was feeling extremely anxious and not wanting to continue and desperately wanting to leave. It wasn't that I thought I was going to die because I couldn't physically follow through with the workout itself. It was that I couldn't stop concentrating and focusing on all the people around me. There were so many people... everywhere. I kept darting my gaze around the gym and I could not... I could not what? I could not concentrate on myself because I was scared of all the people surrounding me.
My brother picked up on my nerves and talked me through them before he went to work out himself. I was grateful to him. After he left it was hard to not feel anxious still, but I tried to zone out to what was surrounding me. I even continued my workout with my eyes closed, as if closing my eyes would erase all the other people surrounding me. It didn't work.
And then this girl on the treadmill next to me named Melissa started talking to me. She asked how long I'd been coming to the gym and I told her this was my first time to this particular gym. She kept talking to me. She is there to get into better shape because she and her husband want to start trying for children. I told her that I usually weight train and am not a fan of cardio. I also told her about Baby Boy. She was so intrigued that I had placed him for adoption that she started asking questions about adoption and that's when it happened, that's when I finally chilled out. It was nice to be able to focus on something familiar. I talked to her for about 15 minutes about adoption until she was done with her workout.
When she left I was much calmer and I no longer noticed the people around me. Don't get me wrong, they were still there, but I no longer cared. I finally started focusing on why it was that I was there.
I want a family. I'm ready to start my family. I've found the man with whom I am going to build my family and my future with. He is wonderful and I love him and he loves me and we are excited for our future together. He is the same wonderful Mango I've spoken of before. I focused on him and I focused on our future and I focused on what kind of mother I want to be; and that woman is fearless. I should explain my interpretation of that word. Fearlesness to me is not the absence of fear itself, rather it's the presence of fear and still choosing to live your life out loud despite being surrounded by the things that you are afraid of. Fearlesness is choosing to live life especially when in the midst of the unknown.
That's the woman I want to be. That's the woman I'm learning to become. That's the kind of mother I want to be, and the kind of wife I know I can become. But, it's not just for my future family that I want to be that woman. Mostly, it's for me. I deserve to be that woman. John Lennon spoke about love being the driving force to overcome fear. He said, "There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life."
I realized last night that I did not go through everything life has thrown at me just to end up defeated and afraid. I've survived it and now it's time to live. To live is to love and I'm loved and in love. My greatest ability is to love. I can be the woman I want to become because of my ability to love. I've got this. It's in my grasp. All I need to do is take off running with it, because only then can I fly. Are these words too brave for me? Absolutely not. I've got this.
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