I've been on this reading bender lately. And I'm loving it because I am reading things that I want to read and that are still completely out of my realm of "typical reading". Right now I am reading a couple of books by Mark Nepo. I'm only 4 poems into his book of poetry titled Surviving Has Made Me Crazy. I've never read anything like what he has to offer, never in my life have I read such pure truth learned only at the hands of difficulty. If you guys want to know more about him, you should read up on him.
I want to share one of his poems with you. It is titled "The Mistake", and it goes:
The wind had been knocked out of me
and doubled over, I looked like I was asking
for something. It was then that someone
passing by offered me something precious,
which I managed to hold briefly before
dropping. And when I dropped it,
it fell into someone else's hands
and she was so grateful.
She called me kind and generous.
She couldn't thank me enough.
But it was only a mistake.
I felt compelled to admit
that I had merely dropped
something precious. At this,
she put what I had dropped down
and took my face and said, "Don't
you see? Even dropping what is precious
is a gift." It made me cry and while
she rocked me, what was precious
rolled toward a bird who fluttered
over it. It finally landed at the feet
of a small child who hugged what was
given, what was dropped, what was a
mistake, what was let go in order to hold
someone lost. The little one just hugged it
and turned to her mother in awe, shouting,
"Look what I found! Look what I found!"
This poem is beautiful to me and I cried when I read it. There are different reasons why I appreciate this poem. From a writing perspective, I appreciate its ambiguity, there is no clear understanding of what the precious thing is and so the core of the poem, the something dropped could be so many different things to so many different people, and for that it is more resounding in its universal impact. Secondly, I love the enjambments, which is how each line ends which really effects the breath of thought and how it is spoken and delivered. But mostly, I love the message and what I get from it. It will be different for you, I imagine, but for me it was quite powerful. To me, the meaning of this poem conveys and idea that there is more to trial and loss and sorrow, even if none of that was sought out. And why would any of that be sought out? It wouldn't. I don't know of anyone who thinks to themseleves, "Self, I could really go for a life-altering downer right now, what do you say to that?!" Self, go for it and make sure it hurts you big time and will be felt for a long time. Yeah, people typically aren't like that. But stuff happens.
Things happen in life that you never see coming and it leaves you... frightened and broken, and that's kind of the point. You've heard me say it before, and I'll continue saying it, hurt/trials/sorrow grows us for powerful change that we are meant to experience. Oftentimes, it feels as though we are lucky just to survive these moments of life-altering impact. I've felt like that for the longest time, myself, that I'm lucky to have survived the soul-trauma and hurt that comes with placing a child for adoption. Outside of my life-altering placement of my first child for adoption, I've lived through some other pretty heart-wrenching experiences and the culmination of all of them together has left me quite frightened and unsure of moving forward.
This poem made me think of all of these difficult moments/experiences differently. I wonder about this "thing" that he was given and then mistakenly dropped, only to want it back, but not regaining it again, only to still be better off in a way that isn't easily expressed for having lost the thing he let go of, and that brought so much joy to the life of another, a child. I get the feeling that the voice of this poem still misses, very much, the thing he accidentally let go of. And it wasn't easy for the voice of this poem to let this thing go, but it was never fully his to begin with, and in letting it go he realized that in letting go is as much of a gift as the experience was in the first place. And what he let go of isn't just forgotten, but it finds it's place in the heart of another and the memory of the previous "owner". I think it's the combination of these understandings that the poem ends on a joyful note which gives you the sense as a reader that the voice of this poem is alright with what happened and that this "mistake" of letting go of what he initially had no intention of letting go was not a mistake, but something that just happened... something that he had no control over, but that just happened. I'm sorry if I am rambling. I get real nerdy about analyzing poems... it's why I'm an English major, truth be told.
There's another story in this poem I feel. And I believe that the other story is in the fact that sometimes it takes losing what we value most to understand the true beauty of what we had. And that sounds like a total bummer, but I think that this other narrative is followed by the suggestion that what was lost can be regained with the purity of new eyes or new understanding, as the child who claimed the precious gift that was lost by the person who let it drop from their grasp accidentally. Once this person lost what they treasured, they realized what they missed and regained it with new appreciated understanding. The "new" being represented by the child.
I could honestly keep going, but I'll stop. I just want to finish this post by saying that I no longer feel that that things we lose sight of in life and that escape our true understanding and leave us with uncertainty and fear about what's to come... I no longer believe that these moments are meant simply to be survived. But rather that they are gifts as well. The "mistakes" and regrets of life are not a curse to the one feeling them, but they are a gift to teach us what we value as most sacred. And while we experience the difficulty of this lesson, the experience is a gift in itself because, never again, will we live each moment of our life in an experience with such obvious clarity and true understanding. And it's for that reason that we should be grateful for our hardships because they make what's important completely clear. And really, what we feel in the pressure of the difficulty... it really isn't too far away from the peace. I would go as far as to say that they are one in the same: confusion and understanding, fear and peace, hurt/anger and love, sorrow and joy, despair and hope. It is in the experience of one that we find and better understand the other. And there is balance in all of it, even when balance isn't readily found.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
No Sleep Tonight
It is nearly 3:00 in the morning and I have work tomorrow and I can't sleep. I am awake, thinking about a man that I love with all my heart and missing him so badly that... not much else fills my mind. Things are difficult between us right now and he knows who he is. I miss him. I'm listening to recordings he made me of him singing songs by Pink and it makes me smile and it makes him feel not so far away. He's got an amazing voice. He's known about Baby Boy all along and he's loved him from the moment he learned about him. His name, as you know him by, is Mango. He has been a major part of my life now for 3 years. I've never known consistency like that before in a man that I care about in the ways that I care about Mango. I hope he reads this.
If you are reading this Mango, I just wanted you to know that I'm grateful for your consistency, even though things are hard right now, you have never been anything less than consistent and more than anything, you've been a huge support to me in my life since you entered it. You have stood up for me when I've needed it the most and you've always loved me for being me in all my different ways. I just wanted you to know that the me I'm finding is becoming a more consistent version of myself. You saw me through a lot of transition and you always stood strong next to me and that means more to me than you'll ever know, and more to me than I was able to express to you when I needed to the most. I just wanted you to know all of that.
The way that you and I learned about each other, and our courtship, I would never trade it for anything; and while it may have seemed unorthodox to other's out there, it is something I value as sacred. You got to know the core of me and you loved me to my core and I know you still do, though I know you have some concerns and they are valid and understandable. No one has ever loved me as purely as you have and I thank you for teaching me the type love you've taught me. Thank you for loving me the way you loved me, it was the way I needed to be loved and still need to be loved. You came back into my life shortly after Baby Boy was born and placed for adoption and none of that scared you off, in fact you respected me from the beginning because of this fact. And in the rehabilitation after placement, you were my confidant and my strength when I was most scared and unsure. You made life seem normal at a time when it was anything but normal and you will never know how special that was to me. Thank you. And, I really miss you.
If you are reading this Mango, I just wanted you to know that I'm grateful for your consistency, even though things are hard right now, you have never been anything less than consistent and more than anything, you've been a huge support to me in my life since you entered it. You have stood up for me when I've needed it the most and you've always loved me for being me in all my different ways. I just wanted you to know that the me I'm finding is becoming a more consistent version of myself. You saw me through a lot of transition and you always stood strong next to me and that means more to me than you'll ever know, and more to me than I was able to express to you when I needed to the most. I just wanted you to know all of that.
The way that you and I learned about each other, and our courtship, I would never trade it for anything; and while it may have seemed unorthodox to other's out there, it is something I value as sacred. You got to know the core of me and you loved me to my core and I know you still do, though I know you have some concerns and they are valid and understandable. No one has ever loved me as purely as you have and I thank you for teaching me the type love you've taught me. Thank you for loving me the way you loved me, it was the way I needed to be loved and still need to be loved. You came back into my life shortly after Baby Boy was born and placed for adoption and none of that scared you off, in fact you respected me from the beginning because of this fact. And in the rehabilitation after placement, you were my confidant and my strength when I was most scared and unsure. You made life seem normal at a time when it was anything but normal and you will never know how special that was to me. Thank you. And, I really miss you.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
-Original Poem-
[Untitled]
If I could see through your fears,
There is nothing,
my dear,
That would keep me from reaching through
to your core to hold and protect
your heart.
I'm scared too,
But I trust you.
We are doors-
closed to hurt-
and locked so securely
we don't even open for security.
Our windows let in the light,
And light's warmth soothes
our foundations where
Shadowed glimpses of our memories
and passions for life
Dance. Our memories dance
amongst the sunbeams of light, and
Hope waits and grows and is closed
Within us.
There is no key for these locks.
This was not meant to be easy, but nothing
Worthy of life ever is.
I'm scared too,
But I trust you.
With me, I trust you.
Hope told me that you miss me too-
I have opened the door to you-
and now is the
Time
for you.
Walk through.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Open Adoption Roundtable #38
I missed the issue of this roundtable topic, and I'm assuming it is number 38, though it wasn't labeled, so hopefully I'm not assuming incorrectly (it wouldn't be the first time *awkward eye shift*)
Roundtable prompt #38 is: Write to someone else in the adoption constellation (someone specific or a general group). What do you want to say to them on Mother’s Day?
Check out what other's have said about this prompt: http://openadoptionbloggers.com/2012/05/08/roundtable-38-mothers-day-open-adoption/
This is an interesting prompt for me. I initially thought that I would write to Baby Daddy, but he isn't worth my time, and he is probably dead, so I'm not going to write to him. And if I did, all I would say to him is that I feel sorry for him that he was so selfish to put my life in danger, that it wasn't a hard decision to make to not tell him about my son. And that I don't regret not telling him. And that I feel bad for him that he didn't make himself important enough to be worthy of the knowledge of the child that I carried for 9 months and placed lovingly in the arms of a social worker to deliver to his parents. Baby Daddy is not important enough of the sacred knowledge of Baby Boy. So, I'm not going to write to him. And, given new paternity laws in the State of Utah, as of this year, and the rights of men to know when they have procreated with a woman, and any father's advocates that are out there reading this right now... I'm sorry if my words have offended you. But, as the birth-mother of an angel, I take full responsibility in not alerting Baby Daddy. And, where he took away my rights to protection from the darkness he associated with, unbeknownst to me, and the danger he put my life in, he no longer had a right to the child that came from me. He may have flaunted my safety and didn't care, but as a birth-mother to a beautiful and innocent child, I wasn't going to let him claim the right to flaunt the safety of an infant to those he associated himself with. If you couldn't tell, I don't fully agree with the new notification laws that Utah State has passed. Moving on to the prompt, I've decided to write to the future husbands of birth-mothers, specifically the man that I will one day marry.
Dear future husband,
I have waited for you for a long time, and the wait has been hard and continues to be, but I would do it again knowing that the outcome was everything I'd ever dared to hope for my future knowing that it will lead me to you. I've lived a lot of lives and a lot of pain has been involved, but it will lead me to you. I would do it again, over and over, because it's making me the woman I wish to be and who is deserving of the quality of man that you will be. You will know of the child of my heart and you will easily love him. You will know of his birth-father and how I feared him. You will know of the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, and will ever have to do in my life and you will still chose to love me. You will love me deeply and eternally and without judgement and without condemnation. You will love me purely and I will love you the same. In your eyes, I will be everything my past lives wanted to be: strong, independent, brave, adaptable, passionate, purpose-driven, visionary, and respected. And, even in my roughest days that are to come, when I am at my weakest and I miss the child of my heart so deeply that I appear as a shell of my self, you will love me for my sacrifice and cherish me for my honesty. You will be a man unlike most men. Your ability to understand what is beyond the given will be one of your most admirable qualities. Your love of a child that was not yours, and is not ours, and your protection of this child's memory is the quality that I will admire most in you. Your recognition of the mother in me that other's don't see will build me up in ways you won't understand and I won't be able to fully express to you and I will love you because of your ability to make me feel strong when I don't feel like I am. You will be proud of me and all my pasts because you recognize that without my pasts I wouldn't be who you love. You will be everything I've ever wanted and I will recognize how blessed I am to have had my most sacred dreams come to be, in being your wife and having you for my husband. I can't wait for that our time together to begin. You will be my best friend; a person I can tell everything and anything to and I will be the same for you. And together, we will be an example to our children of love and respect and admiration, and they will learn from us what love is. I can't wait for our time together to begin. I've loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you for the rest of time.
With all my heart,
Your future wife
Roundtable prompt #38 is: Write to someone else in the adoption constellation (someone specific or a general group). What do you want to say to them on Mother’s Day?
Check out what other's have said about this prompt: http://openadoptionbloggers.com/2012/05/08/roundtable-38-mothers-day-open-adoption/
This is an interesting prompt for me. I initially thought that I would write to Baby Daddy, but he isn't worth my time, and he is probably dead, so I'm not going to write to him. And if I did, all I would say to him is that I feel sorry for him that he was so selfish to put my life in danger, that it wasn't a hard decision to make to not tell him about my son. And that I don't regret not telling him. And that I feel bad for him that he didn't make himself important enough to be worthy of the knowledge of the child that I carried for 9 months and placed lovingly in the arms of a social worker to deliver to his parents. Baby Daddy is not important enough of the sacred knowledge of Baby Boy. So, I'm not going to write to him. And, given new paternity laws in the State of Utah, as of this year, and the rights of men to know when they have procreated with a woman, and any father's advocates that are out there reading this right now... I'm sorry if my words have offended you. But, as the birth-mother of an angel, I take full responsibility in not alerting Baby Daddy. And, where he took away my rights to protection from the darkness he associated with, unbeknownst to me, and the danger he put my life in, he no longer had a right to the child that came from me. He may have flaunted my safety and didn't care, but as a birth-mother to a beautiful and innocent child, I wasn't going to let him claim the right to flaunt the safety of an infant to those he associated himself with. If you couldn't tell, I don't fully agree with the new notification laws that Utah State has passed. Moving on to the prompt, I've decided to write to the future husbands of birth-mothers, specifically the man that I will one day marry.
Dear future husband,
I have waited for you for a long time, and the wait has been hard and continues to be, but I would do it again knowing that the outcome was everything I'd ever dared to hope for my future knowing that it will lead me to you. I've lived a lot of lives and a lot of pain has been involved, but it will lead me to you. I would do it again, over and over, because it's making me the woman I wish to be and who is deserving of the quality of man that you will be. You will know of the child of my heart and you will easily love him. You will know of his birth-father and how I feared him. You will know of the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, and will ever have to do in my life and you will still chose to love me. You will love me deeply and eternally and without judgement and without condemnation. You will love me purely and I will love you the same. In your eyes, I will be everything my past lives wanted to be: strong, independent, brave, adaptable, passionate, purpose-driven, visionary, and respected. And, even in my roughest days that are to come, when I am at my weakest and I miss the child of my heart so deeply that I appear as a shell of my self, you will love me for my sacrifice and cherish me for my honesty. You will be a man unlike most men. Your ability to understand what is beyond the given will be one of your most admirable qualities. Your love of a child that was not yours, and is not ours, and your protection of this child's memory is the quality that I will admire most in you. Your recognition of the mother in me that other's don't see will build me up in ways you won't understand and I won't be able to fully express to you and I will love you because of your ability to make me feel strong when I don't feel like I am. You will be proud of me and all my pasts because you recognize that without my pasts I wouldn't be who you love. You will be everything I've ever wanted and I will recognize how blessed I am to have had my most sacred dreams come to be, in being your wife and having you for my husband. I can't wait for that our time together to begin. You will be my best friend; a person I can tell everything and anything to and I will be the same for you. And together, we will be an example to our children of love and respect and admiration, and they will learn from us what love is. I can't wait for our time together to begin. I've loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you for the rest of time.
With all my heart,
Your future wife
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Revisiting the Prowse Family
Hey all,
I am revisiting the Prowse family who is in the process of growing their family and wanting to get the word out about themselves. When I initially posted about them, they were just getting started in the process, and they have now completed the proper paperwork and completed the home visit and are now working closely with their caseworker on the road of adoption. They are hitting the world wide web hard in promoting their adoption blog and I thought it would be a great idea to revisit them and have them answer the same questions as previous spotlights. So, here they are. And they do not disappoint. Enjoy, and check out their blog either via their link in this post, or their button located on the left of your screen of this blog.
I am revisiting the Prowse family who is in the process of growing their family and wanting to get the word out about themselves. When I initially posted about them, they were just getting started in the process, and they have now completed the proper paperwork and completed the home visit and are now working closely with their caseworker on the road of adoption. They are hitting the world wide web hard in promoting their adoption blog and I thought it would be a great idea to revisit them and have them answer the same questions as previous spotlights. So, here they are. And they do not disappoint. Enjoy, and check out their blog either via their link in this post, or their button located on the left of your screen of this blog.
How did you meet your spouse? How long did you both date before you decided to get married? How long have you been married?
We met in college as we had mutual friends and had a class together. We began dating in September 2003 and knew by December that we were going to get married. We were engaged in May 2004 and married in August. This August will be year 8!
What was the first thing you really came to appreciate about your spouse and why was that quality/characteristic important to you [if the ladies of the couple are answering this, then grab your husband's and have them answer it for you as well ;) ]?
Brinn: besides his good looks, he was/is incredibly easy to talk to. This was a big deal to me as I was quite the shy introvert. The first night we "hung out" we ended up talking until 4 in the morning, which was a first for me. That is when I knew he had marriage potential.
Blandon: As kind of a funny thing that really stood out to me - Brinn and I had been on several dates and had spent a substantial amount of time together when I asked her why she never called me on the phone. Her answer: "Because nice girls don't call boys." I laughed pretty hard, but it really showed me she was pretty cool.
Do you have any current family traditions that you celebrate as a family? If so, how did these traditions begin?
we love traditions! As we are very close with both our families, it's been so fun to blend each family's traditions, as well as add some of our own. A couple favorite: 2 years ago Blandon's grandma passed away. Every year on her birthday and on the anniversary of her death his family writes notes to her and ties them to balloons. We then go to the cemetery, and let them go together. We cherish being able to participate. Our newest tradition, was started this year at Christmas. Our little guy couldn't wait for it to snow, but the weather was not cooperating. He was certain it would snow on Christmas, though. Well Christmas eve rolled around and no snow. So Blandon and I took things into our own hands and created our own winter wonderland for him to wake up to. (there is are pictures on our blog) It was such a huge hit that we decided we are going to do it every year!
If you currently have children, how many children do you currently have? Are they biological? Are they adopted?
we suffer from secondary infertility, which means we were able to get pregnant easily with our son Harper, but have not been able to have any more living children.
If not already explained, how did you come to the decision to adopt?
Blandon and I have always had a place in our hearts for adoption. We didn't know when, but we knew we would adopt at some point in our lives. We have now been struggling with our secondary infertility for 4 1/2 years, during which time we have gently been lead to the miracle of adoption. The past year we have been trying to learn everything we possibly can to help prepare us for this amazing journey.
How has your experience in the world of adoption mirrored or changed your expectation of adoption?
We have learned so much. We both had friends who had been adopted, or had adopted so we knew a little, but not nearly as much as we do now. We have fallen in love with adoption, and all members of the triad. we have fallen in love with open adoption, and the relationships it provides.
How do you define open adoption? What is open adoption to you?
I don't know if you can really define an open adoption as each one seems to be so different, which is so cool! We hope to have an adoption where we can build a relationship with our child's entire birth family which would include: pictures, emails, phone calls, visits, skype sessions, and anything else we can come up with! We want our child to know who he or she looks like, we want them to know their story. And we want his or her birth family to be the ones to tell him or her. Most of all we want our child to know how much he or she is loved by everyone!
What would your ideal relationship with "your" birth-mother be, pre-placement? (Would you like to attend Dr. Appointments with her, have her to Sunday dinners, get together on a monthly basis for a movie, &etc? How involved would you, ideally, like to be involved, &etc.)
Honestly, whatever she is comfortable with, we are so grateful to have. Because I have given birth, we understand the sacredness of such an experience and understand if she wants to keep that private. We would love to be involved with as much as we can. We would love to be able to build a relationship prior to placement, in whatever way possible, but we are completely okay with whatever she is okay with.
If you have yet to adopt, how do you anticipate building a relationship with the birth-mother? How important do you perceive the relationship between you and birth-mother to be throughout the entire process that is adoption (pre-placement, placement, post-placement)?
Through lots and lots of communication. Most likely, neither of us will have experience with this area, but like any relationship, there will have to be lots and lots of communication to figure out what works and what doesn't. This relationship is so incredibly important and will always be treated as so. We owe that to her, and to the child we share.
For any young woman considering placing her child for adoption, and who is reading this right now, what do you want to say to her?
My heart breaks for you. You have an unbearable, life changing decision to make; not only for yourself, but for your child. The fact that you are considering adoption shows just how strong you are. Part of being a mom is putting the needs of your child above your own, and doing what is best for your child, regardless of your wants or needs. If you decide to parent or to place, we are praying for you. You can do this. It is going to be hard. Both choices are going to be so hard, in different ways, but there are so many resources and people to help you. You can do this.
Do you have a blog that you would like to share with those reading this today? If so, what is the address of your blog?
Absolutely! You can follow our journey Here:
Thanks Kathryn!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Dear Sweetheart,
This Mother's Day, I think of you. I love you, child of my heart. Love, your birth-mother.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
School Adoption Presentations
I've had the wonderful opportunity to go to a local Junior High a couple times now to assist in presentations about adoption. For those of you who don't know, Utah State Legislature requires that a segment on adoption be taught alongside the human sexuality unit in Jr. High and High School health classes. This is to notify students of different options that are available to them should they, at any time in their life, find themselves or (girls, or boyfriends of girls) with an unplanned pregnancy. It also teaches students what kind of resources are out there and how they can track down the information if they need to. At the end of the unit on adoption, some schools in a certain school district invite a birth-mother and an adoptive parent to come and talk to the students about their personal experiences in the world of adoption. The students can then ask questions and engage in dialogue with someone who has actually experienced placing a child for adoption, or who has adopted a child. The first time I presented was back in January and it was such an inspiring experience for me. Yesterday I went and presented for the same teacher again and again it was such an inspiring experience.
I am inspired by the students. I don't know if you all have noticed this or not, but teenagers today are awesome. I feel really old saying that. When I was a teenager, I wasn't impressed by other teenagers around me and I'm sure the feeling was mutual in regards to their opinions of me. These kids were awesome. They are real. They are curious and asked difficult and honest questions. There is nothing like the experience of staring a teenager directly in the eyes and sharing something that you wished you would have known when you were their age and seeing understanding reflected back in their eyes. There is no such inspiration as that connected moment when you know that what you are saying is being heard and that it made an impression for the better on someone. I'm not trying to turn this moment around to myself. I'm just saying that it's a really special moment and I wish so badly that there had been presentations like this when I was a teenager. I don't know if it would have changed my future, I would never be so bold to declare one way or the other what impact a presentation like this would have had on me as an adolescent and then young adult.
My favorite question that I got asked- and it was asked in a very delicate and nervous way by a boy who had glasses, and blonde hair, and a soft voice- was "Do you ever think about [Baby Boy] anymore?" I could tell he was nervous to ask it because he wouldn't look me in the eyes and kept looking down and kind of laughed nervously and started with, "I don't know how to ask this" as he rubbed the back of his neck. I responded with a smile and told him honestly and with all the love in my heart "There is not one second of the day that passes that I don't miss him or think of him. For the 9 months that I was pregnant with him and had him all to myself, he became my best friend. I love him with every breath and heart beat. And I'm happy for him. I'm happy that he has a dad that won't endanger his life. I'm happy that he has parents who love him and adore him as much as I do. And I'm happy that he has a family with siblings who think that he is the cutest and funniest kid in the world. I'm happy that he is happy and has all that I desperately wished I could have provided him with, but was not able to. I will always love him and be curious about him and I will never forget him." The boy who asked the question and I, our eye-contact never broke and he had tears in his eyes and was nodding up and down while I finished answering his question. I smiled at him and he smiled back and looked down. I looked around the room and there were 5 more hands raised and I called on other students and answered their questions. Towards the end of the question-and-answer segment, the question was asked by the teacher if anyone in the classroom was adopted and that same boy raised his hand and looked at me and smiled.
In another class, the class was really curious about Baby Daddy and his story. For those of you who don't know, he was seriously involved with drugs, dangerous and illegal drugs, up to and including selling drugs and collecting debts for other dealers. One boy in particular asked 3-4 questions about Baby Daddy and one of them was whether or not he knew I was pregnant. That's a hard question because I feel guilty for not telling Baby Daddy I was pregnant, but then again I did what I had to do and felt was best. I answered that Baby Daddy didn't know then and he doesn't know now. Without raising his hand he looked at me and said, "Why not?" And I told him that Baby Daddy was dangerous and that when you find yourself in an unplanned pregnancy it's a huge reality check and it puts things in clear perspective where before they were foggy. I told him that I debated whether or not to tell Baby Daddy and that what it all came down to was that Baby Daddy endangered my life and I may have got myself into that situation, but the baby born to me didn't have a say in the matter as to whether or not he was conceived by the two people who conceived him. It wasn't fair to risk endangering his life just because I chose the wrong man to be reckless with. I told him that I struggle with whether or not that was the right decision but that ultimately what it all came down to was what is in the best interest of the child coming in to the world. He looked down and then looked up at me and smiled and said, "Yeah, I hear what you're saying" and nodded and smiled some more. Needless to say, he wasn't afraid to ask more questions and he had a lot of good ones to ask.
In another class, before class started I was talking to the adoptive mom who was there presenting with me and I heard behind me "Aunt Kathryn?" I turned around and my nephew, my wonderful, handsome, sweet, kind, generous, and spectacular nephew was standing behind me. I was so surprised and happy to see him. I called him by name and he held his arms open to me and I put my hand on his face and he smiled that smile that I've loved since he was a baby and he hugged me. In front of his fellow classmates he hugged me :) and it was that moment that I felt like I was the coolest aunt in the world. He said, "I thought that was you and I wanted to check." He was in the next class. I pulled him aside and I told him what I was doing there and that I was going to be talking about Baby Boy and if he was uncomfortable with me doing that, that I would sit this class out. He shook his head and said, "No, I'm fine." I asked him if there was anything he didn't want me to talk about and he said, "No, it's all fine." He's an amazing kid. He is the oldest grandchild in my family and I remember when he was born. The first time I held him I made a decision that I was going to be someone this little guy would be proud of. I think I am. It was this nephew whose dad and mom said I could stay with them for as long as I needed when I relocated after I found out I was pregnant. So, this nephew has always known about Baby Boy and he loves him very much. I can tell when he sees pictures of him.
You see what I mean? Teenagers are awesome. Are they hormonal and intense and a little frightening sometimes? Yeah. But ultimately, to their core, they are good people. And they are lively and excited about life and the future and that's SO contagious! Teenagers aren't as unaware as people claim them to be; they have their moral code and standards and they deeply consider how certain situations and people fit in to all of that. Yes, they are highly reactive and probably don't always think of the consequences of their decisions, but adults don't always do that either. And the thing about teenagers is once they get "it", they really get it. Our futures are in good hands. When my generation is retired and golfing, the next generation will be in control and I've seen so many fine examples of that generation that I'm not scared.
Both times that I've done presentations it just confirms to me more how much I want to teach high school and it pumps me up to get my degree and work harder so that I can be better for my future students. It's exciting. I'm going to do more presentations on the 21st and 22nd of this month and I can't wait.
I am inspired by the students. I don't know if you all have noticed this or not, but teenagers today are awesome. I feel really old saying that. When I was a teenager, I wasn't impressed by other teenagers around me and I'm sure the feeling was mutual in regards to their opinions of me. These kids were awesome. They are real. They are curious and asked difficult and honest questions. There is nothing like the experience of staring a teenager directly in the eyes and sharing something that you wished you would have known when you were their age and seeing understanding reflected back in their eyes. There is no such inspiration as that connected moment when you know that what you are saying is being heard and that it made an impression for the better on someone. I'm not trying to turn this moment around to myself. I'm just saying that it's a really special moment and I wish so badly that there had been presentations like this when I was a teenager. I don't know if it would have changed my future, I would never be so bold to declare one way or the other what impact a presentation like this would have had on me as an adolescent and then young adult.
My favorite question that I got asked- and it was asked in a very delicate and nervous way by a boy who had glasses, and blonde hair, and a soft voice- was "Do you ever think about [Baby Boy] anymore?" I could tell he was nervous to ask it because he wouldn't look me in the eyes and kept looking down and kind of laughed nervously and started with, "I don't know how to ask this" as he rubbed the back of his neck. I responded with a smile and told him honestly and with all the love in my heart "There is not one second of the day that passes that I don't miss him or think of him. For the 9 months that I was pregnant with him and had him all to myself, he became my best friend. I love him with every breath and heart beat. And I'm happy for him. I'm happy that he has a dad that won't endanger his life. I'm happy that he has parents who love him and adore him as much as I do. And I'm happy that he has a family with siblings who think that he is the cutest and funniest kid in the world. I'm happy that he is happy and has all that I desperately wished I could have provided him with, but was not able to. I will always love him and be curious about him and I will never forget him." The boy who asked the question and I, our eye-contact never broke and he had tears in his eyes and was nodding up and down while I finished answering his question. I smiled at him and he smiled back and looked down. I looked around the room and there were 5 more hands raised and I called on other students and answered their questions. Towards the end of the question-and-answer segment, the question was asked by the teacher if anyone in the classroom was adopted and that same boy raised his hand and looked at me and smiled.
In another class, the class was really curious about Baby Daddy and his story. For those of you who don't know, he was seriously involved with drugs, dangerous and illegal drugs, up to and including selling drugs and collecting debts for other dealers. One boy in particular asked 3-4 questions about Baby Daddy and one of them was whether or not he knew I was pregnant. That's a hard question because I feel guilty for not telling Baby Daddy I was pregnant, but then again I did what I had to do and felt was best. I answered that Baby Daddy didn't know then and he doesn't know now. Without raising his hand he looked at me and said, "Why not?" And I told him that Baby Daddy was dangerous and that when you find yourself in an unplanned pregnancy it's a huge reality check and it puts things in clear perspective where before they were foggy. I told him that I debated whether or not to tell Baby Daddy and that what it all came down to was that Baby Daddy endangered my life and I may have got myself into that situation, but the baby born to me didn't have a say in the matter as to whether or not he was conceived by the two people who conceived him. It wasn't fair to risk endangering his life just because I chose the wrong man to be reckless with. I told him that I struggle with whether or not that was the right decision but that ultimately what it all came down to was what is in the best interest of the child coming in to the world. He looked down and then looked up at me and smiled and said, "Yeah, I hear what you're saying" and nodded and smiled some more. Needless to say, he wasn't afraid to ask more questions and he had a lot of good ones to ask.
In another class, before class started I was talking to the adoptive mom who was there presenting with me and I heard behind me "Aunt Kathryn?" I turned around and my nephew, my wonderful, handsome, sweet, kind, generous, and spectacular nephew was standing behind me. I was so surprised and happy to see him. I called him by name and he held his arms open to me and I put my hand on his face and he smiled that smile that I've loved since he was a baby and he hugged me. In front of his fellow classmates he hugged me :) and it was that moment that I felt like I was the coolest aunt in the world. He said, "I thought that was you and I wanted to check." He was in the next class. I pulled him aside and I told him what I was doing there and that I was going to be talking about Baby Boy and if he was uncomfortable with me doing that, that I would sit this class out. He shook his head and said, "No, I'm fine." I asked him if there was anything he didn't want me to talk about and he said, "No, it's all fine." He's an amazing kid. He is the oldest grandchild in my family and I remember when he was born. The first time I held him I made a decision that I was going to be someone this little guy would be proud of. I think I am. It was this nephew whose dad and mom said I could stay with them for as long as I needed when I relocated after I found out I was pregnant. So, this nephew has always known about Baby Boy and he loves him very much. I can tell when he sees pictures of him.
You see what I mean? Teenagers are awesome. Are they hormonal and intense and a little frightening sometimes? Yeah. But ultimately, to their core, they are good people. And they are lively and excited about life and the future and that's SO contagious! Teenagers aren't as unaware as people claim them to be; they have their moral code and standards and they deeply consider how certain situations and people fit in to all of that. Yes, they are highly reactive and probably don't always think of the consequences of their decisions, but adults don't always do that either. And the thing about teenagers is once they get "it", they really get it. Our futures are in good hands. When my generation is retired and golfing, the next generation will be in control and I've seen so many fine examples of that generation that I'm not scared.
Both times that I've done presentations it just confirms to me more how much I want to teach high school and it pumps me up to get my degree and work harder so that I can be better for my future students. It's exciting. I'm going to do more presentations on the 21st and 22nd of this month and I can't wait.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Semester Final Grades
This semester was a difficult one. I promise you that you will hear me say that probably every semester. Besides the difficulty of upper level literature classes, I've also experienced a lot of changes in my personal life and it's just been a heck of long and difficult semester.
I think I've probably written about finals already, so I won't bore you with the details again. But, final grades were issued yesterday and I wanted to let you know how it all turned out. I ended up with a 3.60 GPA this semester, it's not a 4.0 like last semester, but I'll keep it all the same. I ended up with a final grade of an "A" for my Romantic British Literature class and my Contemporary American Literature class. And (drum roll please), I pulled off a "B" for my final grade in math! Heck yes I did!
Seriously, my literature classes this semester demanded majority of my study time and I bombed my last chapter test in math and I wasn't able to dedicate much time to studying for my math final because all my time was wrapped up in researching for my final papers for both literature classes. So, I am proud of that math grade. I left that final feeling comfortably confident but nervous because I was confident, if that makes any sense at all, haha. But it's done.
I've decided not to take any classes this summer and to focus on myself and some things I want to work on for me and a future I'm pursuing. This first year back to school after about a 6 year absence was intense but I've learned so much and I've loved it, even when I didn't love it. I'm looking forward to progressing more and more into the English major and relating to the literature that will be exposed to me. I'm proud of myself. With all the personal stuff that's gone on since I enrolled in Fall 2011, I've still managed to maintain a great GPA.
Going back to school has taught me how strong I am and how smart I am. I've always known I was a quick witted person, but I would never have ventured to call myself smart... that's horrible to say, but it's something inside of me that I need to resolve and it's the truth. I've learned this semester especially that I have a lot that needs to be said and people want to hear it and the things that I have inside me are worthwhile and relate-able and that I have a special way in which to communicate them. I learned this semester that people want to hear my input. My literature classes were discussion classes. That's all we did was discuss the texts. We would have an occasional pop-quiz, but primarily we heavily discussed the texts we read. And a lot of the British Lit. was above and beyond easy comprehension, and the American Lit. texts were all from a Latin-American perspective and so these texts required a lot of me to relate and attempt a vague understanding of them. What I'm trying to say is that they were intimidating texts to discuss and I was scared at first to offer input, but the more I did, the more people would tell me that they appreciate my perspective and the view-points I brought to class, and that my comments helped them relate to the texts in a deeper way having heard my perspective of the text. That meant a lot to me; to be heard and recognized for what I had to say and wanted to say.
This has been an insanely intense year at University, but I did it and I did it successfully. So much inner strength comes for that statement. I didn't just survive these semesters, I thrived, and I found a voice that has been quiet inside of me for my entire life and I found a way to communicate it. That is so... liberating. I am grateful for all that I learned in these last 2 semesters, specifically the one that just ended. I'm looking forward to returning to school in the Fall. I thank you all for taking interest in what I have to say and for sharing your thoughts with me. Thank you.
I think I've probably written about finals already, so I won't bore you with the details again. But, final grades were issued yesterday and I wanted to let you know how it all turned out. I ended up with a 3.60 GPA this semester, it's not a 4.0 like last semester, but I'll keep it all the same. I ended up with a final grade of an "A" for my Romantic British Literature class and my Contemporary American Literature class. And (drum roll please), I pulled off a "B" for my final grade in math! Heck yes I did!
Seriously, my literature classes this semester demanded majority of my study time and I bombed my last chapter test in math and I wasn't able to dedicate much time to studying for my math final because all my time was wrapped up in researching for my final papers for both literature classes. So, I am proud of that math grade. I left that final feeling comfortably confident but nervous because I was confident, if that makes any sense at all, haha. But it's done.
I've decided not to take any classes this summer and to focus on myself and some things I want to work on for me and a future I'm pursuing. This first year back to school after about a 6 year absence was intense but I've learned so much and I've loved it, even when I didn't love it. I'm looking forward to progressing more and more into the English major and relating to the literature that will be exposed to me. I'm proud of myself. With all the personal stuff that's gone on since I enrolled in Fall 2011, I've still managed to maintain a great GPA.
Going back to school has taught me how strong I am and how smart I am. I've always known I was a quick witted person, but I would never have ventured to call myself smart... that's horrible to say, but it's something inside of me that I need to resolve and it's the truth. I've learned this semester especially that I have a lot that needs to be said and people want to hear it and the things that I have inside me are worthwhile and relate-able and that I have a special way in which to communicate them. I learned this semester that people want to hear my input. My literature classes were discussion classes. That's all we did was discuss the texts. We would have an occasional pop-quiz, but primarily we heavily discussed the texts we read. And a lot of the British Lit. was above and beyond easy comprehension, and the American Lit. texts were all from a Latin-American perspective and so these texts required a lot of me to relate and attempt a vague understanding of them. What I'm trying to say is that they were intimidating texts to discuss and I was scared at first to offer input, but the more I did, the more people would tell me that they appreciate my perspective and the view-points I brought to class, and that my comments helped them relate to the texts in a deeper way having heard my perspective of the text. That meant a lot to me; to be heard and recognized for what I had to say and wanted to say.
This has been an insanely intense year at University, but I did it and I did it successfully. So much inner strength comes for that statement. I didn't just survive these semesters, I thrived, and I found a voice that has been quiet inside of me for my entire life and I found a way to communicate it. That is so... liberating. I am grateful for all that I learned in these last 2 semesters, specifically the one that just ended. I'm looking forward to returning to school in the Fall. I thank you all for taking interest in what I have to say and for sharing your thoughts with me. Thank you.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Open Adoption Roundtable #37
I missed the prompt for number 36, so if you are looking for it that's why you can't find it :) You all know by now how awesome I think the woman who issues these prompts is. And if you want to see other people's response to this prompt, you can find them here: http://openadoptionbloggers.com/2012/04/24/roundtable-37-after-a-visit/
The prompt this time around is:
How do you feel after a visit?
I remember the first time I saw Baby Boy after I placed him in the social worker's arms at the hospital. He was four months old the first time I saw him after placement. And he was chunky and so adorably perfect. He was so round, it looked like he was missing a neck, and wrists/ankles, and elbows... he was all squish. I was mesmerized by him. It was hard to leave after that first visit. And I remember feeling similar feelings from when I left the hospital. I felt lost and unsure, but relieved for him at the same time. But I missed him so deeply that it echoed in me. I can't describe the feeling. I missed him so deeply that I felt the hollowness in my fingertips... I felt empty, literally.
The next couple times I saw him, I was surrounded by his extended family and certain of my family members and it was in celebration for a very special religious observance for Baby Boy and his family. It was hard not to feel the joy that was so contagious. I remember feeling better when I left these events. I felt happy for him and secure in knowing I made the right decision for him and that he was where he needed to be. I felt love for his family and extended family. It felt right and I didn't feel disconnected or empty like before, but I still didn't want to leave him because I felt like I wouldn't see him again.
The next 3 times was for his first birthday, and then an adoption walk, and then his second birthday. I followed him around everywhere during those visits. I was amazed by him and his growing and development. He had my heart completely. And I think he recognized me... at least my voice. I remember when he would see me the first time he would look at me, furrow his brow like he was thinking, and cock his head to the side and just watch me. I would giggle at his cuteness and I would say "Hi there sweet boy." And it was at my voice that he would look at me straight on and hold his arms out to me so I could pick him up or he would engage in a different way, but he would always engage with me after he heard my voice. When I left from these visits I didn't feel the anxiety I felt with leaving the other visits, rather I felt like I was leaving a family reunion and feeling secure in what was going on and that I would always be a part of them.
I just recently had the opportunity to go to the park with him and his mom and brother. It was a blast. I followed him around like I was the paparazzi and he knew he had an audience and he was totally performing for me. He is absolute precious perfection. He was animated and talking and interacting and engaging with me and I am absolutely and emphatically in love with this child of my heart. It was time for all of us to go home, he had played hard and needed a nap. I gave hugs goodbye and gave him kisses and loves and he let me love him and then I helped get him in his car seat and then when they were situated, I got in my car and I drove off. I remember that drive. The park wasn't too far from my apartment and so it wasn't a long drive at all. I didn't feel anxious at all. And I reflected back on the other goodbyes and my heart was warmed because this one was fine. He is fine. I am fine. We are both fine and good and in a secure place. I know that I will see him again. If it's in a picture or in person doesn't matter, I'll see him again. This is such a different place for me to be in. I love him and I'm happy for him and for his family. They are my family. That's the big difference I believe. I am secure in my relationship with his parent's via his mother that I know that he is secure and that he will know of me and he will know how much I love him and always will. It's a good feeling.
It took time and consistency to get here. I am so blessed that his parents have allowed me to be as actively involved as they have. They handled all of this brilliantly. They have kept the door open to me and they have included me in special events and through this I have recognized their love for me and that right there makes the partings easier. I'm a blessed birth-mother to have them for my adoptive couple. I am blessed.
The prompt this time around is:
How do you feel after a visit?
I remember the first time I saw Baby Boy after I placed him in the social worker's arms at the hospital. He was four months old the first time I saw him after placement. And he was chunky and so adorably perfect. He was so round, it looked like he was missing a neck, and wrists/ankles, and elbows... he was all squish. I was mesmerized by him. It was hard to leave after that first visit. And I remember feeling similar feelings from when I left the hospital. I felt lost and unsure, but relieved for him at the same time. But I missed him so deeply that it echoed in me. I can't describe the feeling. I missed him so deeply that I felt the hollowness in my fingertips... I felt empty, literally.
The next couple times I saw him, I was surrounded by his extended family and certain of my family members and it was in celebration for a very special religious observance for Baby Boy and his family. It was hard not to feel the joy that was so contagious. I remember feeling better when I left these events. I felt happy for him and secure in knowing I made the right decision for him and that he was where he needed to be. I felt love for his family and extended family. It felt right and I didn't feel disconnected or empty like before, but I still didn't want to leave him because I felt like I wouldn't see him again.
The next 3 times was for his first birthday, and then an adoption walk, and then his second birthday. I followed him around everywhere during those visits. I was amazed by him and his growing and development. He had my heart completely. And I think he recognized me... at least my voice. I remember when he would see me the first time he would look at me, furrow his brow like he was thinking, and cock his head to the side and just watch me. I would giggle at his cuteness and I would say "Hi there sweet boy." And it was at my voice that he would look at me straight on and hold his arms out to me so I could pick him up or he would engage in a different way, but he would always engage with me after he heard my voice. When I left from these visits I didn't feel the anxiety I felt with leaving the other visits, rather I felt like I was leaving a family reunion and feeling secure in what was going on and that I would always be a part of them.
I just recently had the opportunity to go to the park with him and his mom and brother. It was a blast. I followed him around like I was the paparazzi and he knew he had an audience and he was totally performing for me. He is absolute precious perfection. He was animated and talking and interacting and engaging with me and I am absolutely and emphatically in love with this child of my heart. It was time for all of us to go home, he had played hard and needed a nap. I gave hugs goodbye and gave him kisses and loves and he let me love him and then I helped get him in his car seat and then when they were situated, I got in my car and I drove off. I remember that drive. The park wasn't too far from my apartment and so it wasn't a long drive at all. I didn't feel anxious at all. And I reflected back on the other goodbyes and my heart was warmed because this one was fine. He is fine. I am fine. We are both fine and good and in a secure place. I know that I will see him again. If it's in a picture or in person doesn't matter, I'll see him again. This is such a different place for me to be in. I love him and I'm happy for him and for his family. They are my family. That's the big difference I believe. I am secure in my relationship with his parent's via his mother that I know that he is secure and that he will know of me and he will know how much I love him and always will. It's a good feeling.
It took time and consistency to get here. I am so blessed that his parents have allowed me to be as actively involved as they have. They handled all of this brilliantly. They have kept the door open to me and they have included me in special events and through this I have recognized their love for me and that right there makes the partings easier. I'm a blessed birth-mother to have them for my adoptive couple. I am blessed.
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