No Sleep Tonight

It is nearly 3:00 in the morning and I have work tomorrow and I can't sleep.  I am awake, thinking about a man that I love with all my heart and missing him so badly that... not much else fills my mind.  Things are difficult between us right now and he knows who he is.  I miss him.  I'm listening to recordings he made me of him singing songs by Pink and it makes me smile and it makes him feel not so far away.  He's got an amazing voice. He's known about Baby Boy all along and he's loved him from the moment he learned about him.  His name, as you know him by, is Mango.  He has been a major part of my life now for 3 years.  I've never known consistency like that before in a man that I care about in the ways that I care about Mango.  I hope he reads this.

If you are reading this Mango, I just wanted you to know that I'm grateful for your consistency, even though things are hard right now, you have never been anything less than consistent and more than anything, you've been a huge support to me in my life since you entered it.  You have stood up for me when I've needed it the most and you've always loved me for being me in all my different ways.  I just wanted you to know that the me I'm finding is becoming a more consistent version of myself.  You saw me through a lot of transition and you always stood strong next to me and that means more to me than you'll ever know, and more to me than I was able to express to you when I needed to the most.  I just wanted you to know all of that.

The way that you and I learned about each other, and our courtship, I would never trade it for anything; and while it may have seemed unorthodox to other's out there, it is something I value as sacred.  You got to know the core of me and you loved me to my core and I know you still do, though I know you have some concerns and they are valid and understandable.  No one has ever loved me as purely as you have and I thank you for teaching me the type love you've taught me.  Thank you for loving me the way you loved me, it was the way I needed to be loved and still need to be loved.  You came back into my life shortly after Baby Boy was born and placed for adoption and none of that scared you off, in fact you respected me from the beginning because of this fact.  And in the rehabilitation after placement, you were my confidant and my strength when I was most scared and unsure.  You made life seem normal at a time when it was anything but normal and you will never know how special that was to me.  Thank you.  And, I really miss you.